can't forget to breathe
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: London, UK
Posts: 29
can't forget to breathe
I think this will be a rather long post as I've got so much to say it hurts! I haven't got any friends due to this new sober me so I am at your mercy. Actually, I've never had any real, proper friends. It was either I was drinking too much for a girl or as of now, not drinking enough for a woman.
Apologise for my English - not my first language so a bit... wobbly
(Thanks for your warm welcome, Carol!)
Up until few weeks ago I didn't quite realize that I'm susceptible of being an alcoholic. I thought that what now I know it to be my alcohol withdrawal was nothing more than a nasty hangover that unfortunately goes on for days; I was sure that my depression has everything to do with the fact that father left early, mother a bit useless (sorry mom!!) and poverty and everything that comes with it. It didn't occur to me that drinking since I was 12 (TWELVE! - bloody hell!) has anything at all to do with it.
I've lost 20 years of my life. Gone, vanished, the best years of my life are not even a memory, as I don't remember a darn thing. I mean, I have some reference moments like my sister's wedding or my step father being buried after hanging himself, but I don't remember WHOLESOME events. I don't remember anything other than MISERY and tears. I strongly believed at the time that it's all related to things that were happening then and there! (I hope I make some sense..) For example, I was very angry at being alone. I didn't think that I'm alone because I'm miserable because of the drink (present or absent, whatever the case...), I thought I was angry because I'm alone. And I thought that my loneliness it's all to do with me being... different. I was a DJ. A lady DJ in a village in a thirld world country. Now THAT was something! So I reckoned I'm special. I believed that boys/men are not so fond of special. Not in my village anyway... So I've moved to London. Where I'm anything BUT special.
I (thought at least) was smart, very smart, good in school, very determined to MAKE IT. I did make it to 12, 13 years old and then I stopped.
I use to work in a night club from the age of 13.. Clearing tables, cleaning, dj-ing, bartending, running the bloody place in the end.. Have worked there for 17 years. Day in and day out. Drinks available at all times. Drama available at all times. Misery, I won't even mention it. I still finished high school, had a couple of atempts to Uni, never finished any of the courses I've started, too bloody drunk for that!
ALL my relationships were drunk. All my dates were fuelled by alcohol, all one night stands were... well, you can imagine. I always thought that I'm being a modern woman by drinking and sleeping with whoever. I thought I have needs and nothing wrong in fulfilling them. Nevermind the next day, week, whatever when I obviously felt like s.it.
I had my last drink on new years eve. I didn't think of it as my last drink because I wasn't sure I had a problem.. So twenty days sober, I feel like crap, anxious and angry (especially angry out of the blue - drives me insane!), depression and the lot. Suicide seems like a good-ish idea sometimes, but I got myself a lovely dog so I need to be on my feet.
Sorry for rambling, pathetic as it might seem, I do need people to tell me that as soon as I finish with alcohol I shall be happier. I think.
Apologise for my English - not my first language so a bit... wobbly
(Thanks for your warm welcome, Carol!)
Up until few weeks ago I didn't quite realize that I'm susceptible of being an alcoholic. I thought that what now I know it to be my alcohol withdrawal was nothing more than a nasty hangover that unfortunately goes on for days; I was sure that my depression has everything to do with the fact that father left early, mother a bit useless (sorry mom!!) and poverty and everything that comes with it. It didn't occur to me that drinking since I was 12 (TWELVE! - bloody hell!) has anything at all to do with it.
I've lost 20 years of my life. Gone, vanished, the best years of my life are not even a memory, as I don't remember a darn thing. I mean, I have some reference moments like my sister's wedding or my step father being buried after hanging himself, but I don't remember WHOLESOME events. I don't remember anything other than MISERY and tears. I strongly believed at the time that it's all related to things that were happening then and there! (I hope I make some sense..) For example, I was very angry at being alone. I didn't think that I'm alone because I'm miserable because of the drink (present or absent, whatever the case...), I thought I was angry because I'm alone. And I thought that my loneliness it's all to do with me being... different. I was a DJ. A lady DJ in a village in a thirld world country. Now THAT was something! So I reckoned I'm special. I believed that boys/men are not so fond of special. Not in my village anyway... So I've moved to London. Where I'm anything BUT special.
I (thought at least) was smart, very smart, good in school, very determined to MAKE IT. I did make it to 12, 13 years old and then I stopped.
I use to work in a night club from the age of 13.. Clearing tables, cleaning, dj-ing, bartending, running the bloody place in the end.. Have worked there for 17 years. Day in and day out. Drinks available at all times. Drama available at all times. Misery, I won't even mention it. I still finished high school, had a couple of atempts to Uni, never finished any of the courses I've started, too bloody drunk for that!
ALL my relationships were drunk. All my dates were fuelled by alcohol, all one night stands were... well, you can imagine. I always thought that I'm being a modern woman by drinking and sleeping with whoever. I thought I have needs and nothing wrong in fulfilling them. Nevermind the next day, week, whatever when I obviously felt like s.it.
I had my last drink on new years eve. I didn't think of it as my last drink because I wasn't sure I had a problem.. So twenty days sober, I feel like crap, anxious and angry (especially angry out of the blue - drives me insane!), depression and the lot. Suicide seems like a good-ish idea sometimes, but I got myself a lovely dog so I need to be on my feet.
Sorry for rambling, pathetic as it might seem, I do need people to tell me that as soon as I finish with alcohol I shall be happier. I think.
Last edited by Karioka; 01-19-2012 at 02:14 PM. Reason: grammar
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: North FLA
Posts: 115
Welcome Karioka. I'm new here also so ill offer you my congratulations on 20 day accomplishment. I'm fighting my way through day 2 so I'm way behind you.
You're not alone in this and you can do this to rebuild your life. Good luck and try to be strong.
You're not alone in this and you can do this to rebuild your life. Good luck and try to be strong.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome Karioka!
Your English is great, really! It sounds like you've had a lot to deal with in your life and with all the alcohol, it probably would have been really hard NOT to become an alcoholic.
So you're 20 days sober? (Congratulations!) I can't speak for others, but I found it took a lot longer than a few weeks to get motivated about life again. I'm glad you're here - this place has helped me find a lot of solutions and it's so nice to have the company of others who understand.:ghug3
Your English is great, really! It sounds like you've had a lot to deal with in your life and with all the alcohol, it probably would have been really hard NOT to become an alcoholic.
So you're 20 days sober? (Congratulations!) I can't speak for others, but I found it took a lot longer than a few weeks to get motivated about life again. I'm glad you're here - this place has helped me find a lot of solutions and it's so nice to have the company of others who understand.:ghug3
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,378
Hi and welcome Karioka
yes it does absolutely get better - I doubt any of us would still be here and sober if that wasn't the case
I wasted a lot of years too - but it is what it is - we can't relive our past or change - but we can definitely make the rest of our life what we want it to be
My advice is try and make your peace with your past and look to your future instead.
You'll find a lot of support here - good to have you with us
D
yes it does absolutely get better - I doubt any of us would still be here and sober if that wasn't the case
I wasted a lot of years too - but it is what it is - we can't relive our past or change - but we can definitely make the rest of our life what we want it to be
My advice is try and make your peace with your past and look to your future instead.
You'll find a lot of support here - good to have you with us
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: London, UK
Posts: 29
thanks, guys, I've got a big smile on my face now! Feels good and it looks good also ;)
Yeah, life wasn't exactly a walk in the park for me but there was no reason for me to break it even more with my drinking! I am ashamed that I didn't say stop years ago, it literally crawls my skin the thought of all the times I've embaressed myself! I want those years back and there's nothing I can do about it!
So, I had the head ache, the shakes if it was a big night, the letargy, the thirst, and I always thought that all of it is just hangover. It probably was, I don't know!
One thing I'm really grateful for: I've always been poor. Really poor so there were days when I couldn't afford any drinks. I was really upset those days but in my ignorance (denial??) I thought that I'm upset about being poor, didn't think that the lack of alcohol plays me up.
There was no one to ask money from, there was nothing to do just suffer and promise myself that next month I'll be more careful with my wages. I didn't see the positive in being poor before now. Amazing how things work, eh?
I'm very excited to be here, I know I'll make it through. Not because I'm some kind of over ambitious person, I just know that I need a life. A proper life, with people in it, with memories and with laughter.
I have absolutely no idea what socialising means without alcohol. Have never ever been in a pub/restaurant/party/visiting/holiday without drink. Any drink did the trick. I remember how I used to schedule my comings and goings so that I get more drinks in. I have to start all over again now with my social skills. How exhausting! But yeah I've got no sober social skills whatsoever. Shame on me.
Because I don't really have people to talk to (I work with dogs) I talk to myself quite a bit. So even when I am in a imaginary dialogue I always (still!) include drinks. How screwed up is that?! :)
My dog sleeps at my feet at the moment and as I'm watching her I KNOW I'll be fine.
Thanks again for the warm welcome, it makes my heart tingle! x
Yeah, life wasn't exactly a walk in the park for me but there was no reason for me to break it even more with my drinking! I am ashamed that I didn't say stop years ago, it literally crawls my skin the thought of all the times I've embaressed myself! I want those years back and there's nothing I can do about it!
So, I had the head ache, the shakes if it was a big night, the letargy, the thirst, and I always thought that all of it is just hangover. It probably was, I don't know!
One thing I'm really grateful for: I've always been poor. Really poor so there were days when I couldn't afford any drinks. I was really upset those days but in my ignorance (denial??) I thought that I'm upset about being poor, didn't think that the lack of alcohol plays me up.
There was no one to ask money from, there was nothing to do just suffer and promise myself that next month I'll be more careful with my wages. I didn't see the positive in being poor before now. Amazing how things work, eh?
I'm very excited to be here, I know I'll make it through. Not because I'm some kind of over ambitious person, I just know that I need a life. A proper life, with people in it, with memories and with laughter.
I have absolutely no idea what socialising means without alcohol. Have never ever been in a pub/restaurant/party/visiting/holiday without drink. Any drink did the trick. I remember how I used to schedule my comings and goings so that I get more drinks in. I have to start all over again now with my social skills. How exhausting! But yeah I've got no sober social skills whatsoever. Shame on me.
Because I don't really have people to talk to (I work with dogs) I talk to myself quite a bit. So even when I am in a imaginary dialogue I always (still!) include drinks. How screwed up is that?! :)
My dog sleeps at my feet at the moment and as I'm watching her I KNOW I'll be fine.
Thanks again for the warm welcome, it makes my heart tingle! x
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Welcome Karioka!
I am sure Dee knew I would respond as I was a DJ for a number of years here in the US and in Europe on the Continent for a few years while assigned there with the US. I used to drink and DJ but that was later in my career. But I know how hard it can be to do that and abstain. Congrats on getting it together and getting sober. Think of it this way. You are boldly going forth where you have never gone before. It is a grand adventure, and you have the time to live it now. Post often, I look forward to your continued posts here.
I am sure Dee knew I would respond as I was a DJ for a number of years here in the US and in Europe on the Continent for a few years while assigned there with the US. I used to drink and DJ but that was later in my career. But I know how hard it can be to do that and abstain. Congrats on getting it together and getting sober. Think of it this way. You are boldly going forth where you have never gone before. It is a grand adventure, and you have the time to live it now. Post often, I look forward to your continued posts here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: London, UK
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by surrenderordie 
hi Karioka there are lots of great a.a meetings in london and you have SR now:c031:
Maybe one day I'll go.
In the mean time I shall read a bit and make some plans for the future, do some things like going to the beach! :)
It's still really new to me, as I said few weeks ago I still put my miserable existence on... anything BUT drink. It all started to make sense when I thought about my relationships. I was wasted all the time. Wouldn't go out in the day time, always finding excuses, always choose pubs for dates, always had a few before dates, and so on...
So I thought of psysical effects on me and there they were: my skin, my hair, my weight. All there.
I thought of depression. Started to look it up on the Internet. And then anxiety. And then paranoia. And anger. And ALL of it re-directed me here. Somehow I just woke up.
I can't stop writing :) It's like I've turned on the tap. Things I've never said out loud..
I'll stop now. :)
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: London, UK
Posts: 29
Thanks Itchy!
DJ-ing without drinking the night away never happened to me. Back in my home country the party didn't start until 11 at night and would go on until next morning, sometimes as late (or early as 9.. But because we were supposed to be working in that club we always started earlier. Much earlier. So a drinking session would start sometime around 6 pm and would finish 5-ish in the morning. Couldn't do a whole night tho. But I must admit that I was rather resiliant. Could keep up with the big boys. That was the case until few years ago when it only took me a few beers + few shots to get completely smashed. I always said "Ah, it's just because I've mixed them up!" The black outs started to happen many many years ago. I always waited to see my "mates" reaction when they saw me the next day just to realize how far I went and how much I'be embarassed myself the previous night. Sometimes there were a few "hey, how you feeling? I bet rough!"; sometimes there was no reaction and then I knew I did ok-ish. So I was happy with that. I stayed off for a few days, thought to myself that I'd better give people time to forget about my last escapade. How sad.
I see you like Leonard Cohen, Itchy! Isn't HE amazing? Saw him in concert a coupleof years ago (three years maybe?) and he was divine! Had to remember to breathe!
My last session happened sometime between Christmas and New year. Smashed and made a complete fool of myself, as I found out the next day. I had to unfriend someone on facebook - I was that bad!
DJ-ing without drinking the night away never happened to me. Back in my home country the party didn't start until 11 at night and would go on until next morning, sometimes as late (or early
as 9.. But because we were supposed to be working in that club we always started earlier. Much earlier. So a drinking session would start sometime around 6 pm and would finish 5-ish in the morning. Couldn't do a whole night tho. But I must admit that I was rather resiliant. Could keep up with the big boys. That was the case until few years ago when it only took me a few beers + few shots to get completely smashed. I always said "Ah, it's just because I've mixed them up!" The black outs started to happen many many years ago. I always waited to see my "mates" reaction when they saw me the next day just to realize how far I went and how much I'be embarassed myself the previous night. Sometimes there were a few "hey, how you feeling? I bet rough!"; sometimes there was no reaction and then I knew I did ok-ish. So I was happy with that. I stayed off for a few days, thought to myself that I'd better give people time to forget about my last escapade. How sad.I see you like Leonard Cohen, Itchy! Isn't HE amazing? Saw him in concert a coupleof years ago (three years maybe?) and he was divine! Had to remember to breathe!
My last session happened sometime between Christmas and New year. Smashed and made a complete fool of myself, as I found out the next day. I had to unfriend someone on facebook - I was that bad!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
What you're experiencing is the relief of talking with others who understand. It is pretty good.
Imagine if you can what it's like to be one among a roomful of people who understand, and hearing some laughter coming from people who weren't laughing much while drinking, some talk of small daily joys from people who didn't experience much joy drinking, and people who couldn't put two months together sober talking about being comfortably sober many years.
That's something you should see. It's happening in a ton of AA meetings all over London each day of the week. You'll find you've passed by many without knowing they were there. Let the ladies know you're new and they'll make you feel quite welcome.
Imagine if you can what it's like to be one among a roomful of people who understand, and hearing some laughter coming from people who weren't laughing much while drinking, some talk of small daily joys from people who didn't experience much joy drinking, and people who couldn't put two months together sober talking about being comfortably sober many years.
That's something you should see. It's happening in a ton of AA meetings all over London each day of the week. You'll find you've passed by many without knowing they were there. Let the ladies know you're new and they'll make you feel quite welcome.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Yes I love Cohen!
I have his albums and his books, and absolutely think he is a kindred spirit. Sounds like you are as well! Well met kiddo! I am quite bit older than you and hung it up as a DJ back in 2003 and sold my equipment just last year.
I quit last year and I was so fed up I detoxed in hospital. I also went to AA for three months along with counseling, some rehab, and using my Docs and here on SR. I am now pretty much only here with a visit to my wonderful AA home group just once in awhile to let them know how i am and still doing well in my sobriety. If I had it to do all over again I would still use AA until I was steady and secure in my sobriety. Just go to a few of their meetings. You don't have to talk at all just listen, and try a few different ones too. I hated my first meeting and it turned out to be that group. If I made it you can too. Many use just here on SR too. But try all the stuff at your disposal. You can drop what you don't need anymore later. But it would be a shame to lose the work you put in so far just because you didn't try. Don't let anybody tell you any negatives about anything you choose to try, the important thing is to stay sober. And live a life, instead of living a lie. I look forward to your posts Karioka.
I have his albums and his books, and absolutely think he is a kindred spirit. Sounds like you are as well! Well met kiddo! I am quite bit older than you and hung it up as a DJ back in 2003 and sold my equipment just last year.
I quit last year and I was so fed up I detoxed in hospital. I also went to AA for three months along with counseling, some rehab, and using my Docs and here on SR. I am now pretty much only here with a visit to my wonderful AA home group just once in awhile to let them know how i am and still doing well in my sobriety. If I had it to do all over again I would still use AA until I was steady and secure in my sobriety. Just go to a few of their meetings. You don't have to talk at all just listen, and try a few different ones too. I hated my first meeting and it turned out to be that group. If I made it you can too. Many use just here on SR too. But try all the stuff at your disposal. You can drop what you don't need anymore later. But it would be a shame to lose the work you put in so far just because you didn't try. Don't let anybody tell you any negatives about anything you choose to try, the important thing is to stay sober. And live a life, instead of living a lie. I look forward to your posts Karioka.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: London, UK
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by surrenderordie
"I can't stop writing :) It's like I've turned on the tap. Things I've never said out loud..
I'll stop now. :) " stop when your done:c031:
I'll stop now. :) " stop when your done:c031:
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,531
Welcome Karioka! You come through loud and clear, and there's nothing pathetic about anything you said.
Alcohol had overtaken me, too, when I found SR. I was living in misery. When I found this place I had no idea there were so many others just like me. It was so encouraging to see how most of them were filled with hope and enjoying life. I had imagined a life without alcohol to be boring and empty. Yet that's how my drinking life was in the end - nothing made me happy or excited me. I was living in a fog, just going through the motions. Congratulations on reaching out for a better life. We're always here, any time. Keep on talking.
Alcohol had overtaken me, too, when I found SR. I was living in misery. When I found this place I had no idea there were so many others just like me. It was so encouraging to see how most of them were filled with hope and enjoying life. I had imagined a life without alcohol to be boring and empty. Yet that's how my drinking life was in the end - nothing made me happy or excited me. I was living in a fog, just going through the motions. Congratulations on reaching out for a better life. We're always here, any time. Keep on talking.
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