DisplacedGRITS

Hi. I've been around here for a while. I post without a problem when i'm sober and doing well in recovery but, yet again, i am not well. I a g-darn friggin yoyo. I'm not drunk. I have drank. I completed rehab again a few months ago but got booted out of IOP after about 5 weeks. I am a lying sack. I guess i'm afraid of hard work or something. Heck...i suppose i'm using y'all as my therapist since y'all can't kick me out and i don't have to look anyone in the face. I want to be happy but i have no purpose in life. I don't know what i can do to be happy. I want to be a mom but i can't because i have nothing else i really want to achieve so i drink. I have no short term goals besides making dinner. I can't have kids because we own our house in Alabama but rent within a friend in Wisconsin. Now the friends is thinking of selling the house and moving to California so now i'm looking at moving somewhere else (we have 4 cats a large bird and are upside down on our Alabama house) be somewhere else near here or where ever my husband decides to work. My life is out of control in every way. Nothing is stable, not even myself. The only time i was even slightly honestly happy was when i was in Partial Hospitalization and the financial strain is too much.

i
am
exhausted

and i can't sleep.

DisplacedGRITS

My phone is being diffuclt so i am sorry.

I am scared of death because i am at a pretty good risk for seizures. I am trying to taper with the help of my husband but he's afraid that the rate of tapering and the amount of alcohol that it takes during the process is a lot. I guess he dosen't really know how much i drank. Hell, i don't really even know. I've had a seizure before, alone in my bed. I'm in a blind panic. I had horrible "dizzy dreams" last night and this morning even though i wasn't dizzy when i woke up.

I know what i'm going to hear guys but the hospital is not an option. I can call my therapist, my psych and my GP (not necessarily in that order) but hospitalization is not a financial option. Yes, i am putting a pathetically low price on my life.

I bought alcohol today because i have to make it through the night. I can be awake during the day but the night is full of terrors. I'm out of my sleep aid so insomnia is at about an 11 out of 10. This is not fun. I'm not drinking for kicks, but i can't keep going through these intense dreams with fear of seizures.

hope1969

I am soory for what you are going threw. It has been VERY hard road for me too! I have been up and down for about 6 months now. I am just now coming to terms that I am out of controle I beat my self up about it all the time!! I read this and thought you might like it too! Bless you and I wish the best to you. I have only been sober for 2 days this time.... I hope it is for good this time. Have you tried tylanol pm for sleepng?

And I dont know what the future is holding in store
I dont know where Im going, Im not sure where I've been
There's a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me
My life is worth the living, I dont need to see the end.

DisplacedGRITS

Sorry, y'all. I'm in a panic attack and i would normally drink myself blind about an hour ago. So instead, i'm here, i'm trying and i've got a lot of people to call tomorrow.

I'm scared that if i tell my psych that i relapsed he'll take my meds away and they've helped so much. I'm just so bad at keeping to my schedule. My bulimia also plays into this problem.

I'm scared of telling my therapist because she reports to my psych.

I'm scared of telling my GP because he has a limited knowledge of my history and i'll probably just blow money on a visit that won't result in anything but shame.

DisplacedGRITS

All we have is hope, hope.

I take several herbal suppliments for sleep. I need my seroquel to really sleep. I am a stubborn sleeper.

Recovery is hard. I'm posting in a panic because i'm scared and ashamed. But, i know i'm bellyflopping into a sea of love and support. Dosen't stop bellyflopping from being scary.

Lenina

DisplacedGrits,

I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. It sounds like you have a lot going on. Pleae do talk to your therapist honestly. It sounds like you might do best in a more supervised environment, perhaps your doctor/therapist might know of one?

I do hope you find some peace and can get some sleep tonight.

Love from Lenina

DisplacedGRITS

Also, hope1969, if i may make a suggestion...(as long as your not on a low potassium diet) chug some V8! A couple of servings a day. Helps replenish potassium which can get depleted with increased alcohol consumption. Balanced electrolytes and all. I've had a couple of brushes with low potassium and was told that even though i was 30 at the time, i was at high risk for a heart attack. Bloodwork is a life saver.

DisplacedGRITS

Thanks, Lenina. I am starting to talk myself down and will speak with my therapist. It's hard because we're new to each other but i do like her and she seems to like me. I think i'm just scared of opening up to people up here because my life is so up in the air. That may be why SR is my first source of comfort.

Thank you again, hon.

laurie6781

I am not sure why is a 'hospital' out of the question. You are in Southeast Wisconsin you say, ............................ that is where I am from.

No matter which county you are in, be it Milwaukee, Racine, or Kenosha, the "County" Hospital for each of those counties has to help you by federal law, whether you insurance or not, money or not.

I do understand Seizures, they killed me. IF you really want to stop drinking, walk into the ER of the County Hospital of the county you live in, tell them you are an alcoholic, you want to detox, but have a 'history of seizures' when you try to detox, will they PLEASE HELP YOU.

They will. And you will be in a safe place, and be 'monitored.' Whie in 'Detox' they will be more than willing to get you into a 'rehab program'. There are 'free' ones out there that are pretty darn good.

ALL of the above does DEPEND on YOU WANTING RECOVERY.

I reached the point that every swig I took in felt like was coming out of every pore of my body. It was then I knew that I was dying. If I kept drinking I was going to die and if I tried to sober up I was going to die. But .................................. I knew I wanted to die SOBER. That is what pushed me beyond the anxiety and fear.

Keep posting. Hopefully you are not alone, and when you start to feel 'funny' (you know what I mean) call 911 or have the person there with you call 911.

However, my first choice for you is to get to the ER now.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

DisplacedGRITS

Sent you a PM, laurie. Hope you don't mind.

DisplacedGRITS

I swear, if i get my sleep meds tomorrow i will be able to get through this. I should have kept my eye on my meds and realized i was too low. I feel like such a fool sometimes.

Dee74

Hi DG

I tell you what I was scared of - change. Yeah my life pretty much sucked, but I knew all the ins and outs of my existence...

when those fears started coming in - how will I live, will I have to go to hospital, what will my Dr say, what will people think of me...you better believe most times that sent me scurrying back to the bottle.

The bottom line is noone would stay sober if our life was worse off - my life is a million times better than it was in 2007 - yes it was hard in the beginning but it was so so worth it to persevere DG.

The alternative - to keep drinking - isn't so good.

Many of us contemplate dying - I did many times- but I'll be honest with you - actually lying on your bathroom floor feeling consciousness slipping away and terrified you're going to die is a world away from anything you can imagine beforehand. Laurie will tell the same - she went even further than I did.

check out the county option - then look around at whatever support is available for afterwards....life will be hard for a while...but isn't your drinking life hard now anyway?

Make some changes and commit to them DG - you'll look back and be glad you did - I promise

D

Lenina

DisplacedGrits,

Do you know how to breathe through panic attacks? Try this, it helps me a lot. Breathe in through your nose slowly to the slow count of four. Hold for a slow count of four, breathe out slowly through your mouth to the slow count of eight. Do this a few times. for me, I can feel my heart rate slow down and I feel calmer.

I've been knowing Laurie here on SR for a very long time. She's a good solid person and gives great advise, I think you might want to call the the ER too!

love from Lenina

laurie6781

Nope not at all

Just sent you a response, that should KEEP YOU BUSY the rest of the night, lmao

Love and hugs,

DisplacedGRITS

I am. I'm breathing. I'm slowing down. I will sleep and tomorrow. I'll be calling my therapist, my GM and my psych. I should have done it yesterday. I don't feel that i'm in danger right now. Last night was bad because i was comming down too fast. I've been careful today. I don't have work and have nothing better to do tomorrow. I'm exhausted right now but i've saved this thread to i'll be making notes for my therapist next time we meet.

DisplacedGRITS

Hahaha! Thanks Laurie! You rock! I'm sleepy but i'll power through it because i know i want your regional info.

soberlicious

The seroquel and alcohol is a very dangerous mixture. I know first hand.

DisplacedGRITS

I know soberlicious. I used to mix seroquel and ambien. I kicked the ambien when i finally put my mind to it. If i keep on all my meds and stop stuffing my feelings, i can beat this. This thread has helped me get to the (at least) the top of some issues. Picking up my journal now and making notes. Figure it's a step in the right direction. I didn't realize how good i've been at fooling my self that i'm all right.

Elisabeth888

DG, you are in my prayers.

I don't have any advice other than try to be honest with your doctor(s).

DisplacedGRITS

I am writing in my journal and my heart is so heavy. How did such a bright eyed girl become such a mess?

To be honest, to be terrible, I wish i was pregnant. I wish i wasn't a suffering alcoholic because i wish i was pregnant. My heart hurts so much because i am not worthy.