New To ACA
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 30
New To ACA
I'm no longer suffocating but I couldn't find out how to change my 2 year old screen name on here. I ended an awful marriage a year ago to a drug addict. After a year of therapy and dealing with trauma, I discovered that I stayed with him because I couldn't fix my Narcissistic drug addicted mother!
Well, and life goes on. So, now I see how my life has been extremely affected by it growing up. I was tortured as a child by my emotionally absent mother, abandoned by my real father, and severely abused by her 2nd and 3rd husbands; emotionally, verbally, physically, etc.
Okay. So, now I'm here, progressing nicely along in life. I actually have a healthy one now, worked through a lot of garbage, cleaned A LOT of house, yet I still a lot of the times see how the ACA characteristics cloud me from having a better life.
I'm afraid to go to meetings. When I have gone to some, I have to fight back tears, there are triggers for me all over in those places, and it makes me feel like I'm 3 years old. I know I need to do this for myself. I see how my entire life has been based on what they conditioned me to be, I believed who I was is who they told me I am, it completely paralyzed me emotionally from ever reaching goals for myself. Now that I've cleared a lot of clutter in therapy, I'm finally allowing my true self to come out and it's scary as ****! I feel so vulnerable. I've been wearing a mask for years because I thought that I had to be the child my mother conditioned me to be to get people to like me. All of my life, I lived trying to get everyone else's approval.
I don't want to ramble on too long. It's nice that this ACA stuff has finally clicked with me and I know I need to be in the meetings if I want to have a better life, if I want to be integrated and build real friendships. I'm just so afraid to let the little girl inside of me out there. I'm so afraid and I feel so alone.
Thanks for listening.
Well, and life goes on. So, now I see how my life has been extremely affected by it growing up. I was tortured as a child by my emotionally absent mother, abandoned by my real father, and severely abused by her 2nd and 3rd husbands; emotionally, verbally, physically, etc.
Okay. So, now I'm here, progressing nicely along in life. I actually have a healthy one now, worked through a lot of garbage, cleaned A LOT of house, yet I still a lot of the times see how the ACA characteristics cloud me from having a better life.
I'm afraid to go to meetings. When I have gone to some, I have to fight back tears, there are triggers for me all over in those places, and it makes me feel like I'm 3 years old. I know I need to do this for myself. I see how my entire life has been based on what they conditioned me to be, I believed who I was is who they told me I am, it completely paralyzed me emotionally from ever reaching goals for myself. Now that I've cleared a lot of clutter in therapy, I'm finally allowing my true self to come out and it's scary as ****! I feel so vulnerable. I've been wearing a mask for years because I thought that I had to be the child my mother conditioned me to be to get people to like me. All of my life, I lived trying to get everyone else's approval.
I don't want to ramble on too long. It's nice that this ACA stuff has finally clicked with me and I know I need to be in the meetings if I want to have a better life, if I want to be integrated and build real friendships. I'm just so afraid to let the little girl inside of me out there. I'm so afraid and I feel so alone.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Welcome, so glad you are here, you are doing great, coming in and sharing with us is a huge step, thank you for having the courage to do it.
Please read my EMDR post from earlier today, it is really on topic for how you are feeling.
If you ever need and ear or a shoulder please don't hesitate to ask.
Big hugs to you.
Bill
Please read my EMDR post from earlier today, it is really on topic for how you are feeling.
If you ever need and ear or a shoulder please don't hesitate to ask.
Big hugs to you.
Bill
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Where the buffalo roam
Posts: 370
Welcome back (and I'm glad that you're no longer suffocating, to reiterate what dbh said)!
I also used to post on here, back in 2005 and then again in 2008. My first username was forgotten, and I no longer use the same email address, and my second username from 2008...oh, how I thought that Sylvia Plath was some sort of distorted heroine, so now I'm stuck with my old username as well, hahah.
But, like you, life has changed, and I no longer look up to distraught literary figures like Sylvia Plath (thank goodness).
Many warm wishes to you, and glad you're taking the steps to take care of YOU!
I also used to post on here, back in 2005 and then again in 2008. My first username was forgotten, and I no longer use the same email address, and my second username from 2008...oh, how I thought that Sylvia Plath was some sort of distorted heroine, so now I'm stuck with my old username as well, hahah.
But, like you, life has changed, and I no longer look up to distraught literary figures like Sylvia Plath (thank goodness).
Many warm wishes to you, and glad you're taking the steps to take care of YOU!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Originally Posted by Suffocating 
I'm afraid to go to meetings. When I have gone to some, I have to fight back tears, there are triggers for me all over in those places, and it makes me feel like I'm 3 years old. I know I need to do this for myself. I see how my entire life has been based on what they conditioned me to be, I believed who I was is who they told me I am, it completely paralyzed me emotionally from ever reaching goals for myself. Now that I've cleared a lot of clutter in therapy, I'm finally allowing my true self to come out and it's scary as ****! I feel so vulnerable. I've been wearing a mask for years because I thought that I had to be the child my mother conditioned me to be to get people to like me. All of my life, I lived trying to get everyone else's approval.
I too feel like my life is SO MUCH better, but there are still some things standing in the way of me being truly happy. So, I'm back concentrating on my recovery more and I even started going to meetings again (most of my 12-step work has been on-line).
Anyway, last night I attended a meeting that's about 20 minutes away from my house. I've known about this meeting for a long time but never got up enough strength/motivation to attend.
It was a GREAT meeting. There were 12 women there ranging in age from 30-50+. I was able to relate to every share. I did tear up while I was sharing, but it felt healthy.
I'm definitely going back next week.
Trying not to kick myself for putting it off for so long. Guess the time is right for me now.
Just wanted to share my experience.
Thanks,
db
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Coventry, RI
Posts: 61
I just want to make a comment about EMDR. I see a lot of talk about it on this website. I have no experience with it, but read today that it takes memories from the front of the brain and buries them in the back of the brain?
I do recovery to come OUT of denial, not stay IN denial. To deal with stuff at long last. It's going to keep manifesting anyway, so why bury it?
No offense intended, and I may have this all wrong, i don't know. Any feedback?
I do recovery to come OUT of denial, not stay IN denial. To deal with stuff at long last. It's going to keep manifesting anyway, so why bury it?
No offense intended, and I may have this all wrong, i don't know. Any feedback?
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