Need advice on setting up supervised visits with inlaws
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 159
Need advice on setting up supervised visits with inlaws
Hi everyone,
I believe quite a few of you know my story...I need some advice. My ex currently has supervised visits 2x/week with my daughter. Right now I am the supervisor of both visits. (Ex has been living in sober housing since October after about a 8 month relapse of cocaine use).
I talked to my daughter's child psych (daughter is 3) and rather than moving to 3 days/week (as stated in divorce decree now that we have done 2x/week for 3 months) she thinks making the 2 visits longer will be easier on our daughter. With my work schedule, best way to do is to have ex's parents as supervisors for the mid-week visit.
I am going to meet with the child psych about it too, but wanted to get advice on how to set up. Ex agreed to have a "meeting" with his parents and me (all four of us without our child/grandchild) to discuss logistics for the supervised visits. We are thinking of having it at grandparents' house (they would pick her up from daycare and ex would go there).
My worries are that my ex isn't taking his bi-polar meds, and has kind of been all over the board with mapping out the schedule for the next couple of months. He also has been emailing me random things about wanting to discuss our taxes (we are divorced- shouldn't matter, but he wants to discuss writing off the payment of his re-hab last year when I paid for it). He also wants to re-discuss household items that I have in the house that I now own as part of the divorce. I only give these as examples as I have told him the only thing I want to discuss in person with him is our daughter.
I told his mom that he seems "all over the board" lately, but she says he seems fine. I am a little worried that they may take his "side" and not see what I am seeing. Yes, I do admit I am losing "control" by not being there, and recognize that it will be good to have some "me" time, but am feeling somewhat nervous about how this will work for my daughter.
In the long run, I know she will be safe since her grandparents will be there, but just wondered if anyone has advice to share so I can set up the appropriate boundaries and framework in the best interest of my daughter. Ex didn't speak to his mom for about 6 months and just started getting "back in their life" around the holidays. He is a master manipulator and he and his parents can all be somewhat argumentative if there is stress...I assume if they have bad interactions my daughter will tell me and I can end the new arrangement?? I also want to make sure that no one talks negatively about me (or my ex) in front of her.
Thoughts/experiences to share?
I believe quite a few of you know my story...I need some advice. My ex currently has supervised visits 2x/week with my daughter. Right now I am the supervisor of both visits. (Ex has been living in sober housing since October after about a 8 month relapse of cocaine use).
I talked to my daughter's child psych (daughter is 3) and rather than moving to 3 days/week (as stated in divorce decree now that we have done 2x/week for 3 months) she thinks making the 2 visits longer will be easier on our daughter. With my work schedule, best way to do is to have ex's parents as supervisors for the mid-week visit.
I am going to meet with the child psych about it too, but wanted to get advice on how to set up. Ex agreed to have a "meeting" with his parents and me (all four of us without our child/grandchild) to discuss logistics for the supervised visits. We are thinking of having it at grandparents' house (they would pick her up from daycare and ex would go there).
My worries are that my ex isn't taking his bi-polar meds, and has kind of been all over the board with mapping out the schedule for the next couple of months. He also has been emailing me random things about wanting to discuss our taxes (we are divorced- shouldn't matter, but he wants to discuss writing off the payment of his re-hab last year when I paid for it). He also wants to re-discuss household items that I have in the house that I now own as part of the divorce. I only give these as examples as I have told him the only thing I want to discuss in person with him is our daughter.
I told his mom that he seems "all over the board" lately, but she says he seems fine. I am a little worried that they may take his "side" and not see what I am seeing. Yes, I do admit I am losing "control" by not being there, and recognize that it will be good to have some "me" time, but am feeling somewhat nervous about how this will work for my daughter.
In the long run, I know she will be safe since her grandparents will be there, but just wondered if anyone has advice to share so I can set up the appropriate boundaries and framework in the best interest of my daughter. Ex didn't speak to his mom for about 6 months and just started getting "back in their life" around the holidays. He is a master manipulator and he and his parents can all be somewhat argumentative if there is stress...I assume if they have bad interactions my daughter will tell me and I can end the new arrangement?? I also want to make sure that no one talks negatively about me (or my ex) in front of her.
Thoughts/experiences to share?
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I personally think you are asking for trouble.
It would be better to go through the court system and have 'an impartial supervisor' not related to either of you and recognized by the court as a 'visitation supervisor'. Yep it is going to cost him some money ........................... oh well .............................. a consequence of his ACTIONS.
Since he has only had communications again for a short time with his folks, and his mother is already ignoring what you see are red flags, I would NOT suggest that they be the 'supervisor' for any visits.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
It would be better to go through the court system and have 'an impartial supervisor' not related to either of you and recognized by the court as a 'visitation supervisor'. Yep it is going to cost him some money ........................... oh well .............................. a consequence of his ACTIONS.
Since he has only had communications again for a short time with his folks, and his mother is already ignoring what you see are red flags, I would NOT suggest that they be the 'supervisor' for any visits.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
I tried to do this with my ex and his parents when my daughter was young.....
It was a total and complete disaster.
You need a professional that documents everything. Did he show up on time? How did he interact with his daughter? Did he seem impaired in any way? etc. etc.
Supervised visits means he cannot be trusted to be alone with your daughter. Either to be sober....to interact, to care for properly etc.
I don't think HIS biological parents can properly execute this situation.
Just some thoughts based on my experience.
It was a total and complete disaster.
You need a professional that documents everything. Did he show up on time? How did he interact with his daughter? Did he seem impaired in any way? etc. etc.
Supervised visits means he cannot be trusted to be alone with your daughter. Either to be sober....to interact, to care for properly etc.
I don't think HIS biological parents can properly execute this situation.
Just some thoughts based on my experience.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: St. Louis, Mo. USA
Posts: 265
I have a Nar-anon member that has just went through this similar situation.
On the first visit and the EXA took the 18 month old and left the state with the grandparents permission. They are now fighting jurisdiction issues and having a lot of legal fees to try and get the child back on going now since a week before christmas.
I would not give anyone else permission to pick a child up from daycare. I would not trust an A with the care of a child. I think you are best keeping things as they are for a year or two. If he don't like it he can take you to court and see if a judge sees an A deserving more visitation.
You need to think of the safety of the child FIRST.
On the first visit and the EXA took the 18 month old and left the state with the grandparents permission. They are now fighting jurisdiction issues and having a lot of legal fees to try and get the child back on going now since a week before christmas.
I would not give anyone else permission to pick a child up from daycare. I would not trust an A with the care of a child. I think you are best keeping things as they are for a year or two. If he don't like it he can take you to court and see if a judge sees an A deserving more visitation.
You need to think of the safety of the child FIRST.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 7
I'm in a similar situation. I also have a young child (age 2), and I have full custody and he gets supervised visits, which I supervise.
I have chosen not to let his parents have any responsibility for her. I think they are major enablers, and I don't want them allowing her in the vehicle with him "because he doesn't have a problem." Often, parents of a drug abuser are in denial.
If you're hesitant, there is a reason.
I have chosen not to let his parents have any responsibility for her. I think they are major enablers, and I don't want them allowing her in the vehicle with him "because he doesn't have a problem." Often, parents of a drug abuser are in denial.
If you're hesitant, there is a reason.
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