Starting the Steps
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Starting the Steps
Today is my 72nd day sober, and tonight I will have my first "step" meeting with my sponsor. I must say I've been really afraid to take the plunge into step-work for a lot of reasons. Part of me thinks that the AA thing is a cult and I don't want to be brainwashed. :-p (Although I selfishly use it for fellowship and support, to meet new people who don't drink and who understand where I'm at and what I'm feeling!) Part of me knows that doing the steps is an extra responsibility that will keep me extra accountable, and it'll be a lot harder to "back out" of those whole sobriety thing! And part of me is just plain scared... I guess I'm afraid to face myself and afraid to admit certain things about myself to anyone, including my sponsor, who has become a friend of mine and who I don't want to disappoint! (I know that is silly thinking, but, I think it.)
Even though I'm afraid, I'm strangely excited, and, I feel happier and more positive about things now that I'm taking this plunge. My sponsor wants me to call her most days, and so I do, and I feel really grateful that someone is always there for me. I feel grateful for AA in general, and for SR. Right now the biggest thing I'm getting out of AA is a feeling that human beings can be there for each other and help each other... that is my higher power at the moment, along with my own conscience/the better version of me that I know is in there and wants to totally come out! One of the reasons I was afraid of AA is that I don't believe in God/organized religion, and sometimes when I hear people talk about God or even their Higher Power, I kind of shudder and feel pushed away. But really I'm learning that I don't need to believe in a supernatural being in order for AA to work for me. It's a great feeling, and I just wanted to share. Thanks everyone!
Even though I'm afraid, I'm strangely excited, and, I feel happier and more positive about things now that I'm taking this plunge. My sponsor wants me to call her most days, and so I do, and I feel really grateful that someone is always there for me. I feel grateful for AA in general, and for SR. Right now the biggest thing I'm getting out of AA is a feeling that human beings can be there for each other and help each other... that is my higher power at the moment, along with my own conscience/the better version of me that I know is in there and wants to totally come out! One of the reasons I was afraid of AA is that I don't believe in God/organized religion, and sometimes when I hear people talk about God or even their Higher Power, I kind of shudder and feel pushed away. But really I'm learning that I don't need to believe in a supernatural being in order for AA to work for me. It's a great feeling, and I just wanted to share. Thanks everyone!
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
the word "cult" originally referred to a denomination.
no matter your higher power beliefs, maybe just believe that working the steps will help and replace the word "God" with "stepwork" or "conscience" or your choice....the steps changed me.
best wishes!
no matter your higher power beliefs, maybe just believe that working the steps will help and replace the word "God" with "stepwork" or "conscience" or your choice....the steps changed me.
best wishes!
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Queens, NY
Posts: 267
The only sadness i have in the huge grin on my face from your post is that you will forever be 21 days ahead of me! I guess if i flew as far east as possible, and you west, i could catch 2 days in theory (or maybe it'd be one day).....
Higher Power = Whatever Keeps Your Course Right. For me it's one thing, for you it's another. In totality, both still SOBER
Higher Power = Whatever Keeps Your Course Right. For me it's one thing, for you it's another. In totality, both still SOBER
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,934
Well, I go to AA and it's not a cult and I haven't been brainwashed.
But, just for the sake of arguement, if I had been brainwashed into being sober, is that such a bad thing?
I know that before I went to AA the daily drinking was bad (and darn expensive).
But, just for the sake of arguement, if I had been brainwashed into being sober, is that such a bad thing?
I know that before I went to AA the daily drinking was bad (and darn expensive).
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
PigTails,
I was afraid to dive into the step work too. I had a lot of fears. I was afraid the process wouldn't work. I was afraid it would work. I was afraid of being changed. I was afraid of going deeper into the program. I was afraid of looking at myself. I was afraid of sharing my inventory with another human being. I was afraid of making amends. I was afraid of what my life would look like after I did this thing. Fear. Fear. Fear. (Did I mention fear?)
I swallowed hard and launched in. What I found was relief and release and freedom. I could look in the mirror and like the person who was looking back at me. I felt as if I were a part of the human race -- no better than, and no less than anyone else. The things I was so very ashamed of were exactly the things I needed to speak about and let go of. And my sponsor had done many of these exact same things.
Yes, some of the work was uncomfortable. But it was a lot less uncomfortable than drinking. The amends I made were gifts -- gifts of healing and restoration. If I had not done the work, none of these experiences would have happened. I would have sold myself short and I would not have received the many benefits and blessings I received. Take it one step at a time; don't worry about steps that lay ahead. Focus on the work you are doing in the moment.
I so like the person I have become and who I am continuing to become as a result of the steps. I have changed for the better. A traditional God or religious belief is not necessary. It is your own conception of spiritual terms. If you can answer "yes" to the question, "Do I now believe or am I even willing to believe in a Power greater than myself?" ... that is enough to get started. You can even use the AA group as your HP.
I am excited for you. I am proud of you for making the commitment. For myself: I have absolutely no regrets for having done this work. Wait, I take that back. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.
Susan
I was afraid to dive into the step work too. I had a lot of fears. I was afraid the process wouldn't work. I was afraid it would work. I was afraid of being changed. I was afraid of going deeper into the program. I was afraid of looking at myself. I was afraid of sharing my inventory with another human being. I was afraid of making amends. I was afraid of what my life would look like after I did this thing. Fear. Fear. Fear. (Did I mention fear?)
I swallowed hard and launched in. What I found was relief and release and freedom. I could look in the mirror and like the person who was looking back at me. I felt as if I were a part of the human race -- no better than, and no less than anyone else. The things I was so very ashamed of were exactly the things I needed to speak about and let go of. And my sponsor had done many of these exact same things.
Yes, some of the work was uncomfortable. But it was a lot less uncomfortable than drinking. The amends I made were gifts -- gifts of healing and restoration. If I had not done the work, none of these experiences would have happened. I would have sold myself short and I would not have received the many benefits and blessings I received. Take it one step at a time; don't worry about steps that lay ahead. Focus on the work you are doing in the moment.
I so like the person I have become and who I am continuing to become as a result of the steps. I have changed for the better. A traditional God or religious belief is not necessary. It is your own conception of spiritual terms. If you can answer "yes" to the question, "Do I now believe or am I even willing to believe in a Power greater than myself?" ... that is enough to get started. You can even use the AA group as your HP.
I am excited for you. I am proud of you for making the commitment. For myself: I have absolutely no regrets for having done this work. Wait, I take that back. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.
Susan
I'm here to learn!
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: I'm on it!
Posts: 2,038
Well done, PT. It's been really cool to see you grow into your sobriety.
As I like to say, if it works for you then it'll work if you work it. If you find that working the steps is helpful in keeping you sober then I wouldn't overanalyze what AA is or isn't. I think most folks kind of take what they want and leave the rest and others jump in as a whole way of life. True, the purposes of the steps is to "practice these principles in all our affairs", but I don't think you have to be a total AA fanboy to reap the benefits.
Best wishes!
As I like to say, if it works for you then it'll work if you work it. If you find that working the steps is helpful in keeping you sober then I wouldn't overanalyze what AA is or isn't. I think most folks kind of take what they want and leave the rest and others jump in as a whole way of life. True, the purposes of the steps is to "practice these principles in all our affairs", but I don't think you have to be a total AA fanboy to reap the benefits.
Best wishes!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
"Part of me thinks that the AA thing is a cult and I don't want to be brainwashed"
When I hit the Recovery Home in '89 a couple of my buddies said that they were going to brainwash me in there.
I said "I hope so !! My brain desperately needs washing".
WTG, Pigtails, I know your anxiety. Go with your sponsor.. you will be fine.
All the best !!
Bob R.
When I hit the Recovery Home in '89 a couple of my buddies said that they were going to brainwash me in there.
I said "I hope so !! My brain desperately needs washing".
WTG, Pigtails, I know your anxiety. Go with your sponsor.. you will be fine.
All the best !!
Bob R.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Thanks everyone. The meeting with my sponsor went really well. She gave me a copy of the 12X12 and some homework to do on the first step, which I started this morning. I think I really needed it because I often compare myself with others in AA and think I'm not as "bad off" as they are. But I do know I reached my personal bottom and that I was miserable and depressed, and don't want to go back there.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: california
Posts: 323
Pigtails, I am grateful for your post. It's exactly what I needed to hear. I am meeting with MY sponsor (NA, though I could also be AA) tonight for MY first step! I know exactly what you mean about the "brainwashing" -sometimes I wonder if I can take it any more and other times I think, well- my brain could sure use a refresher! I am trying to follow my sponsor's orders, even though I HATE calling every day. I'm not a phone talker. Like you, I went to NA voluntarily w/o suffering any huge "rock bottom" experience. I actually "outed" myself to my doc and husband. Congrats on your 2+ months!!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Originally Posted by keltie 
Pigtails, I am grateful for your post. It's exactly what I needed to hear. I am meeting with MY sponsor (NA, though I could also be AA) tonight for MY first step! I know exactly what you mean about the "brainwashing" -sometimes I wonder if I can take it any more and other times I think, well- my brain could sure use a refresher! I am trying to follow my sponsor's orders, even though I HATE calling every day. I'm not a phone talker. Like you, I went to NA voluntarily w/o suffering any huge "rock bottom" experience. I actually "outed" myself to my doc and husband. Congrats on your 2+ months!!
Congrats and good luck on starting your step work.
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