tyabner

I'm 28 years old and have been married to an alcoholic wife for 5 years with no kids. I've posted a couple times here so some of you know the history. I moved out of the house 3 months ago and into my own apartment. Things have been going well. I went no contact with AW for a while and have started counseling with her. I've been in counseling for the past 6 months and have gone to Al-Anon. AW claims that she hasn't had a drink of alcohol since the day that I moved out. She is doing the Rational Recovery. I have all the feelings of guilt for leaving and things of that sort. We have recently been "dating" which would include going out to eat or watching a ball game. Some of those go good, some don't. The talk from AW has turned to when I'm moving back home. Seems like every conversation begins and ends with that. I don't feel ready to move back to the house. I don't know if I ever will. I don't trust her at all and have been hurt so many times by her. I guess what I'm asking is, is it crazy to be even entertaining the idea of moving back in with her? Have I not broken away from her good enough? I feel like she has a hold on me and I don't know how to break it. Is she just trying to reel me back in so she can begin to manipulate me again? (or has she already done this) Has anybody moved back in with an alcoholic spouse and it gotten better? Please help.....I'm so confused.

lillamy

Even IF she is truthful about not drinking -- all that means is that, best case scenario, she's been sober for three months.

My AXH was sober for a bit shy of four. He did rehab, AA, had a sponsor that he talked to every day, a church family that supported him and a pastor who was available to him 24/7.

Even so, he chose to start drinking again.

If I could go back and do it again, I would have had a condition in the divorce agreement that our custody arrangement was dependent on him being sober, and that it would not become permanent until he had been sober for at least 18 months.

For me, three months of sobriety is NOTHING. But we're not talking about me, we're talking about you. And I think you have your answer already, you just don't like it:

Then why would you?

Thumper

This is good news then. What you are doing right now is good for you.

your feelings surrounding this are very legitimate and also a good thing to explore within the counseling sessions I think. Is your counselor familiar with addiction? I think that is a must personally.

My opinion is that if she is pressuring you, she doesn't get it. I let my xah talk me into moving back home and it was a big mistake. I wish I'd have stuck to my guns about waiting at least 6 months before even discussing it.

You are hearing your internal voice. Listen closely. Don't do anything until you are ready and you are getting the support you need to know when that is (al-anon and a counselor).

You don't have to know the future and you don't have to make promises to her. You just do the next right thing.

All I can say is I deeply regret allowing my husband to move back in when I knew it was not the right move. It made things worse, not better.

skippernlilg

Thank you so much for posting this, Tyabner.

I have been separated from my RABF for 8 months. We have recently begun talking about moving back in together too.

I miss the Real Him very much.

I don't feel pressured by him about this; however, there are things he says that make me think it's a bad idea. Right now, anyway.

I'm doing what the previous posters have said: I'm giving it more time and consideration and not rushing to any decision. The whole point of our recovery is to learn to relax, and if it doesn't *feel* relaxed, then it isn't right. Being realistic and knowing there are challenges in any relationship, and additional challenges in a recovering relationship, is one thing, but to have that little feeling in the back of your mind, or in your gut, that it isn't quite right, is something real to listen to.

Trust yourself. It's ok to do that. You're doing great so far!

Cyranoak

The very fact that she is pressuring you on this reveals that A, she's not in true recovery, and B that it is way too early to move back in if at all. The very fact that you are considering it at this juncture reveals that, while you may have been to an Alanon meeting or two, you are not working the Alanon program-- in other words you aren't yet in enough pain to become serious about improving your life regardless of your wife and her drinking.

I moved back in with my wife. IT WAS A HUGE MISTAKE.

Cyranoak

MyBetterWorld

If it doesn't feel right for you, then it isn't right for you.

In the initial period after my separation I felt that a year of complete sobriety from my X would be a good start.

I don't think he ever even had a day.

I'm glad I got out. Only time will tell, but I personally think, my opinion only, it's way to early in her recovery/sobriety to consider going back.

MyBetterWorld

For me, three months of sobriety is NOTHING.


EXACTLY. In the big picture it's only a little better than nothing. Barely even a start.

dollydo

I wouldn't move back in with an alcoholic or drug addicts, until they were sober and in recovery for a year or more...then I would only consider it.

PaperDolls

I think you have answered your own question.