Confused.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 5
Confused.
The nights have been slow and I haven't been to sleep before 5 a.m. once since I lost my job in December. Some of that was the partying and the alcoholism. And the other part might be my insomnia and anxiety. But what these long nights have given to me is a time for me to read and find inspiration in the journey and recovery of other people. Yet the inspiration is waning and I am becoming a bit lost.
As I read through the things posted here and on some other recovery blogs. I find myself thinking about my own addiction. I'm comparing myself. And my mind is screaming at me, its telling me I have no problem at all. Is this my addiction talking? Is this the voice of alcoholism? I know that comparing myself is wrong, but the idea remains. Do I really have a problem or am I giving myself just another excuse. Another lie in a long list of lies. Is this another way to be broken?
At this moment I know that I don't want to drink and I want to avoid those fuzzy afternoons and dreadful nights. I don't want to wake up with that regret of destroying a friendship or making a fool of myself in front of others.
I know this probably goes into the mental health area and that I'm probably just crazy. Do I need others to tell me I have problem? Or have I not fully accepted that I have one? Are they one in the same? I'm confused.
As I read through the things posted here and on some other recovery blogs. I find myself thinking about my own addiction. I'm comparing myself. And my mind is screaming at me, its telling me I have no problem at all. Is this my addiction talking? Is this the voice of alcoholism? I know that comparing myself is wrong, but the idea remains. Do I really have a problem or am I giving myself just another excuse. Another lie in a long list of lies. Is this another way to be broken?
At this moment I know that I don't want to drink and I want to avoid those fuzzy afternoons and dreadful nights. I don't want to wake up with that regret of destroying a friendship or making a fool of myself in front of others.
I know this probably goes into the mental health area and that I'm probably just crazy. Do I need others to tell me I have problem? Or have I not fully accepted that I have one? Are they one in the same? I'm confused.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Dublin
Posts: 90
hi nick m ,
firstly welcome and you're not alone .. secondly YES this is ur problem speaking to you .. Im still telling myself I don't have a problem 2 weeks into my recovery but deep down I know that I do .. I don't drink "normally" I drink to get drunk and YES it may be percieved as you are the belle of the ball / the party animal .. bit by bit you're taking away from your life and ur ability to live a good life. You're not crazy ... it's a disease that we're battling with and when I went to AA at the weekend they spoke of how my mind will try to trick me time and time again and that sounds like its what your mind is at right now.
You need to make the best decision for you and I know from the short time I have been a member of this site - whatever your decision you will not be judged - only supported here .. stay strong and I'll be thinking of you xxx
firstly welcome and you're not alone .. secondly YES this is ur problem speaking to you .. Im still telling myself I don't have a problem 2 weeks into my recovery but deep down I know that I do .. I don't drink "normally" I drink to get drunk and YES it may be percieved as you are the belle of the ball / the party animal .. bit by bit you're taking away from your life and ur ability to live a good life. You're not crazy ... it's a disease that we're battling with and when I went to AA at the weekend they spoke of how my mind will try to trick me time and time again and that sounds like its what your mind is at right now.
You need to make the best decision for you and I know from the short time I have been a member of this site - whatever your decision you will not be judged - only supported here .. stay strong and I'll be thinking of you xxx
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
Nick, when it comes down to the nitty-gritty, YOU are the only one who truly knows whether or not you have a problem. People could have told me over and over again that I had a problem with alcohol, but if I didn't believe it and accept it for myself, it wouldn't have mattered what anyone else thought. Even though you say you are confused, it sounds to me like you do believe on some level that you have a problem and that you don't want to drink anymore because of it. It is interfering with your life ... your job, your relationships, your health ... and you aren't confused about that.
Your addiction will do all it can to hold onto you and tell you that you are fine and it's okay to keep drinking. You know in your heart that it isn't. When your addiction argues with your heart, it is easy to feel confused and wonder if you're going insane. That's the cunning thing about this disease.
It seems you already know what you need to do for yourself. Know that we are behind you and support you. You didn't say whether you were attending AA or another program, but it really does help. This is hard to do on your own (although some have). Keep coming to SR and if you think you need the extra help of a program and face-to-face support, please do check one out. It helps me to know that others have experienced the same confusion and self-questioning that I did when I first got sober.
Best wishes to you.
Your addiction will do all it can to hold onto you and tell you that you are fine and it's okay to keep drinking. You know in your heart that it isn't. When your addiction argues with your heart, it is easy to feel confused and wonder if you're going insane. That's the cunning thing about this disease.
It seems you already know what you need to do for yourself. Know that we are behind you and support you. You didn't say whether you were attending AA or another program, but it really does help. This is hard to do on your own (although some have). Keep coming to SR and if you think you need the extra help of a program and face-to-face support, please do check one out. It helps me to know that others have experienced the same confusion and self-questioning that I did when I first got sober.
Best wishes to you.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
This is something you have to accept for yourself. If you believe you are an alcoholic then you can begin to recover. If you don't believe it, others are not going to be able to convince you, and it will darn hard to recover.
The addict-voice is very powerful. I found that recognizing the addict-voice for what it is and then dismissing it, was very helpful in my recovery.
The addict-voice is very powerful. I found that recognizing the addict-voice for what it is and then dismissing it, was very helpful in my recovery.
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