Lovesome

Hi Everyone,

I'm new to the forum, signed up because I could really do with advice and be able to speak to other adult children who grew up around alcoholics, just some general support of like minded people! I have no idea where to start but in a nutshell here it goes!

I'm 23 years old now and I grew up with an alcoholic mother, it was probably one of the hardest times of my life. From about 12 years old onwards I constantly handled everyday life with a big fake smile on my face. I was made to feel unwanted, suffered so much emotional abuse and felt pretty hopeless given the constant drinking. There is a lot more to it then that, but these days I have managed to forgive her for what she put me and my younger sibling through because she sought help and has been in recovery for 4-years. I am so proud of her being able to stop and make amends, she even sent me her 4-year medallion for my birthday - was the best present I have ever had. I have forgave her but can't seem to forget and probably never will, I guess that's understandable.

About 8 month ago I moved to my dads after living with friends for years as a student. He is now back together with his ex wife - which I have no problem with at all. Though I have noticed the same patterns emerging as with my mother. Ok, so he doesn't wake up in the morning and drink (though if he didn't have to pick his partner up from work, I'm more than sure that he would), but he drinks every day, says its just a few beers here and there when actually it's a few beers, topped up with wine, then vodka or whatever is in the house. If there is none in the house he has to go out and buy it, there HAS to be alcohol in the house. I only drink now and again socially so I got some alcohol for Christmas and he went out of his way to go through my room and drank that too. He isn't working at the moment but even when he was he liked to drink. He turns into the most horrible person I've ever met and I can't bare living here any more so hoping to move out soon. I studied all my life, went to university, have worked on top of it with jobs also to fend for myself, yet constantly put down with his drunk attitude when I get told things like I've wasted my time and it's not going to get me anywhere! Nothing is ever good enough even though I try so hard to better myself. Thanks dad, great parenting. Given what we went through with my mother I would have hoped he would know better.

I honestly think he is an alcoholic, which isn't a great thing. I really don't have the time or the energy to live through it again.

I've been going to counselling for the past year, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety and Depression, battling these things every day is hard enough without another parent making me feel like crap. I have been referred for psychotherapy but there is a long waiting list so in the mean time I figured it might help me a lot being able to talk to people here.

Thanks for listening, there is a lot more to it than that but I'll save it for a rainy day haha and feel free to offer advice on my current situation and share your stories too

xxx

Willybluedog

Welcome Lovesome, so glad you have chosen to join the SR family.

This is a great place to share or just vent, so many of us have walked this road.

I am 49, my mom has been an alcoholic almost all my life, my parents elevated verbal and physical abuse to an art form.


I will be glad to listen, if you need to vent, want to talk, need an ear, or a shoulder to cry on, I will be here. this is also a great place to get a ((hug)) when you are down, or get some propping up.

You sound like you are going through a ton of stuff with no support, I will be there for you if you need me.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

Chimmy

Hi,

I have similar story, Mum has been drinking since 1992/3ish I am the younger sister, so it was a little easier for me.

I joined this website as my Mum now binge drinks for a few weeks rather than it being a contant thing and I find it really helpful to get advise and help from other people who have gone though it. My Sister doesn't like to talk about it, my Dad isn't around anymore (he isn't dead he is just gone and not a very nice person) and I can't get to Al Anon, so this is the next best thing.

It makes you feel so much better to vent etc. I hope you find this forum as useful as I do.

You aren't alone

Take care x x

Willybluedog

I have also signed up at the ACOA website and purchased their "Big Red Book" which is their handbook for all things ACOA, I have found it very helpful.

Lovesome

Hi guys,

Thanks for your replies. It's nice to know that there are others going through similar things - well it's not nice because none of us should have to suffer, but because we are it's good to have that support around you.

I mean, I have good friends around me who I can vent some things too, but I'm quite a secretive person about my emotions, half the time I don't feel like anyone will listen or that it's no-one else's concern, I hate playing the victim card and with having BPD due to my childhood I tend to bottle a lot of things. I am obviously seeking help for this - my counsellor was amazing and said I have every right to feel the way I do and its something that won't be cured over night, needless to say I need a lot of therapy haha. But my emotions and mood swings are pretty bad, especially when I have to be at home and bottle my anger up because I need a roof over my head (just finished uni and saving for my own place - recently got a full time admin job so I'm pleased - it's not my dream career but at least it will get me away from this environment). I don't take things out on other people but I do destroy my relationships because of promiscuity (puts me into a numbness where I don't care about anything and makes me forget) and feeling trapped, I could be as loved as a teddy bear to a child and I still find a way to wreck it - it's the way I've always dealt with things because of having been brought up around alcoholics. It's not ideal, but I'm getting help with it.

I can't actually wait to move out and actually get to maybe shout my anger or something. I feel angry a lot. It's like this energy inside me and I can feel that it's there but I don't know what to do with it, so it's just lying dormant like a bomb waiting to go off! I tend to be the most caring person and so loyal to people, I'm the furthest thing from violent so my anger doesn't come out like that either. In the past I've self harmed because of it, had a borderline eating disorder, which creeps back up now and again, though it's in no way extreme.

I just wish I hadn't been brought up through all this, I hate myself a lot of the time. Yes, my parents had problems with alcohol, that doesn't mean I wanted to be born to witness it first hand!

xxx

Kialua

Yes we do understand. You have have been dealt a bad hand in life with your parents as have we all here. Don't give up hope. You sound like you are working on it and are very smart. Don't listen to the voices from your parents your life is yours and you can overcome this. Moving out will be huge, you sound somewhat responsible but it can be overwhelming to be on your own and master of your own domain. I hope that works out soon for you. Working the program with the book bill mentioned, "Big Red Book" might be a good thing to do while waiting for the treatment you want. I found reading the "stickies" and posts here very helpful. It is a great place to get validation for all the various thoughts roaming around in your head from a lifetime of abuse and/or neglect.

Keep us posted and share anything you like. Welcome.

Lovesome

Thanks hun. I'm gonna have a read around. I've already read a few stories and will definitely seek out that book!

Will post again soon, I've pretty much forgotten about my upsets from today, just seem to block things out after a while! Thanks for listening to my rant, was about time I just vented and if anyone wants to chat feel free, couldn't bare the idea of someone feeling alone like I have been.

xxx

Plath

Welcome!



I personally never noticed my step-dad's alcoholism (and I think my mom must have either been in denial, or at times he was what AA members refer to as a "dry drunk", although I don't really care for that term).

At any rate, both of my biological parents had alcoholic and/or mentally ill parents, so the dysfunction has been passed from generation to generation like a gene--but, thankfully, it's not a gene, it's just learned behaviors that we get to un-learn if we want to!

I'm fairly new here too; I have really been enjoying and appreciating all of the supportive, inspirational people who come to this forum, and I think you'll find what you need here.

Lovesome

I understand what you mean Plath, when I was a bit younger in the midst of all this I went through what I now refer to as 'the crazy' - a sort of alter ego. But you're absolutely right, it's what my counsellor said also, it's behavioural and can be controlled. I hate living like I'm walking on egg shells not knowing what my next move will be and when I'm next gonna have an 'episode'. I was just so glad that someone eventually took me seriously in how I felt about it all. I pretty much get on with my day-to-day life, I'm very focussed on trying to get my dream career and make something of myself. A lot of the time its when I'm by myself, especially nights. Can never sleep properly and wake up flipping from all sorts of emotions and night terrors usually relating to neglect, abandonment and generally being unwanted, wakes me up with panic attacks and it's quite stressful.

I'll feel a lot better when I'm out of this house, means I can actually see my friends a bit more and do as I please, have a life again where I don't feel like my family are putting me down constantly. Living with my dad is a nightmare, they are so anti-social, no-one is allowed at the house, he has already fell out with his side of the family, everything I do is wrong, if I go and see friends (even just for a walk) it gets blown up into some financial debate and that IM going out drinking?? Oh and that he can't wait until I'm gone! It's beyond me where he gets it from. His partner doesn't help the situation either, she defends him all the time, I wouldn't say she is an alcoholic, there are plenty of occasions when she doesn't drink, but I'd say she is a heavy drinker.

Yet I learnt from my mother that I can not change the situation, it is up to him. With her I left with my brother because she had moved a very bad man into our home (a man she met at AA who preyed on vulnerable women). I was only 16 and my brother 13. It was my dad then who picked us up to me throwing bin bags of our clothes in the back of his car, my brother stayed with him and I went to my grans for a few months before getting my own place. You would think after this ordeal he would have learnt what happens to the children of alcoholics and the pain that was caused. But at the end of the day if he wants to ruin his life and lose his family then so be it.

xxx

dbh

Dear Lovesome,

Welcome to SoberRecovery and thank you for sharing your story.

I'm sorry about all that you have gone through. I have to say that I am impressed that you are taking action now to improve your life.

I also grew up with an alcoholic. However, I didn't realize/acknowledge how much it affected me until I started going to therapy when I was in my 30s. I didn't start my "recovery work" (meetings, 12-steps, literature) when I was in my 40s. It has really helped a lot though and my biggest hope is that I can stop the cycle of dysfunction that has existed in my family for many generations. My children are currently 9 and 11.

Can't tell you how many times I got angry and sad about my past. There have also been many, many times I just wished for a "normal" family.

With my recovery work has also come a lot of acceptance and peace though.

Just wanted to wish you well as you start off your own recovery journey :-)

Warm Regards,

db

Willybluedog

Lovesome,

I know what you mean about anger, I was always angry, I fought at the drop of a hat, yelled at anyone who annoyed me, walked around just aggravated all the time, looking for things to be mad about.

My mom and dad both beat the crap out of me, dad told me my first whipping was at 8 months, 8 freaking months old, he laughed about how I never had another temper tantrum so he figured he fixed me with that whipping.

My wife said all the beatings just made me mean, because they broke something inside me, maybe she's right, I spent so many years thinking I deserved them that I just don't know.

Are family has a history on both sides of being angry and hot-tempered so maybe I inherited it.

The only things that have really helped are therapy, journaling, meditation, yoga, and to a limited degree reading the poet Rumi.

I am so glad you are getting started working on this at a fairly young age, I was 34 before I ever sought help and by that time I was such a wreck that I was on the verge of losing everything.

I really hope that when you get out of that toxic environment that things will get better.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

Lovesome

Hi dbh,

Thanks for sharing your story. It must have been hard for you also but at least you're getting there and are thinking about yourself and your own family now, it must be an amazing feeling to have some peace about your own childhood and do the best that you can for your own children .

I was very unstable for years, I mean I still am to some extent ha ha but only because I thought that's just how I was and I couldn't change it. I just got to the point where I realised this isn't me or the life I want, to be miserable thinking about things all the time and punishing myself for things beyond my control.

I can honestly say joining this forum has helped me so much and I only joined yesterday. It great to be able to hear other success stories. I don't think I could have it any other way then trying to sort my life out and better myself, I would hate to end up the same way my parents are.

xxx

Lovesome

Hi Bill,

No-one deserves to go through any kind of physical or mental abuse. Its appalling and really isn't our fault. I sought out a bit of meditation when I was younger and when I lived with friends with my own space.

That word TOXIC is the best word to use, its like poison, couldn't dare to that here. I found some great music to put on by an artist called Medwyn Goodall, very chilled out music, can sit with candles and incense and it is the best relaxation ever. And a bubble bath to top it off is a bonus haha!

I flip from so many different emotions it, sometimes I get angry and just forget seconds later why. It's very strange and not particularly pleasant being all over the place. But I will get there

xxx

bluebelle

Welcome, This is a good site. My mom is an addict and my father is an alcoholic.

It wouldn't be surprising if your father ended up with a woman who had similar problems to your mom. It is easy for people to repeat patterns. My mom generally ended up with the same sort of guy, which is not a good thing.

It is extra challenging to live in a chaotic household. I remember the last time I lived with my addict mom. I was in school and working, and it made financial sense. However, it was very hard to live in the chaotic household.

Are you working, volunteering, or doing something else that will get you out of the house? It's really hard to live with people, anyway. It is extra hard if their moods are constantly changing due to substances.

Good for you for getting counseling help. I regularly see a psychiatrist for depression and anxiety. My mom has serious mental illness, so I knew at a young age that I wanted to get help for myself. I realized that early intervention is best.

Lovesome

Hi Bluebelle,

I'm sorry to hear you have also had to live through it. And doubled with drug use and alcohol, must have been horrible. My mother started with alcohol and then when she invited that *majorcurseword* into our home the drugs started too and it got progressively worse from there.

I start my new full time admin job next week, super excited to be doing something again, because since graduating last July I've just been doing odd temp work! Also have more interviews coming in for the career I want in Public/Media Relations and Marketing, it's really exciting for me at the moment because I'm desperate to move to London and be in the big city with my dream job (also because I'd be miles away from home and never have to look back and to know I did it all myself with no financial or emotional support from my family is something I take great pride in!) But apart from that I manage to see friends now and again - but like I said in one of my posts it causes arguments - even though I'm not wanted here, I think its a jealousy thing because like I said they're anti-social and don't talk to anyone. I worked on top of university to save up for a holiday and that got bashed into the ground as well and I just thought just because you would rather spend your money on drink don't blame me, was you're choice! Irritating as hell!

xxx

Kialua

LOL What a catch-22 you are in, stay home and be miserable or go out and be yelled at. Sorry don't mean to make light of it, but what else can you do sometimes. Well it sounds very exciting moving to London, my best to you and hope it works out soon. Don't give up, you are on a good path and I know you can do it. We all have.

Growing up I decided very early on, 4 years old or so, that I would never care if my parents loved me or not. I didn't even want them to because they were awful people. I took no blame and constantly told myself, When I grow up... I won't be like them, I won't hurt children, I will move away, etc. I did end up drinking a lot just like my Dad but got over that as I have shared before. But by and large I fulfilled my desires. It can be done, don't give up hope.

Lovesome

Hi Kialua,

Aw don't worry hun I try and make light of it everyday. Sometimes its just easier that way and like we both know it beats being miserable!


Sorry to hear that, its hard when things like that are drilled into your head from a young age. But I'm glad your on the right track now, I very much understand what you mean, but going off the rails like them doesn't help at all does it, I also know about that and it just made me feel worse. Keep at it hun, a saying from my mothers recovery should offer some kindness - stay bright and beautiful.

Also any thoughts on this topic? Hangovers - how on earth do they do it!? I honestly don't understand drinking everyday and waking up fresh as daisies!

xxx

Kialua

Sounds like your parents were functional drunks? My Dad was too. Never missed a day of work and everyone loved him, but was blotto raging pass out drunk every night. Yeah no idea how they do it except that they build up their tolerance and learn to function despite their hangovers. I've heard that my Dad had a charming personality, which I never saw so I wouldn't know that. But that must be part of it. I was so stunned at his funeral with all the extended relatives and people crying over him and telling their wonderful stories. Felt like I was in a parallel universe.

Lovesome

Yes definitely functional! Just turn into complete morons when drunk. My mother was more a self-destructive drunk really, she was quite happy on it and because she was happy and I was young I felt there wasn't an issue. Then it got to the overplaying one song constantly on a night and horrendous crying. I remember her passing out on the toilet and having to help her to bed whilst she flared her arms about saying she didn't need help. My dad on the other is just a moron and a nasty one. If anyone said my dad was charming I'd also think I was in a parallel universe! I don't understand the tolerance, it doesn't surprise me how many deaths it cause's, I drink socially amongst friends and a hangover for me can last daaaaays if not weeks where I wouldn't wanna touch any form of alcohol because your body is clearly saying it can't handle it!

xxx

siblingofaddict

Hi Lovesome,

Just wanted to say, I'm 23 and was in a similar situation to you, though I dealt with it differently in the beginning, by the end I was a crazy person. Growing up with an ACA/dry drunk mother and an addict brother since I was 12, I pretty much shut down until I was an adult, wondering why intimacy and emotion were so difficult for me - and then I was thrust into a parent role for my brother, and I spiraled into crazytown, with wild mood swings I didn't understand.

Personally, moving out was the best thing I could have done - a toxic environment doesn't allow you the time and space you need to "re-parent" yourself. I am currently working on the defense mechanisms that I developed to survive in my household, which I no longer need and are not healthy patterns in the outside world. Also, identifying emotions and coping with them, since from a young age I only knew how to shut them down not deal with them. Learning that these are things I can control and they aren't me - just coping mechanisms - has really helped me in my recovery. Also, therapy and Naranon (like alanon for addicts) have helped. Lovesome, I'm sorry to hear about what you have had to deal with, but glad you have found this resource - and know that you have many others as well! The hardest thing for me about moving out was realizing that I had an option...I hope that you can find the best option for you

Best