Someone HELP me to not feel guilty about leaving :( ....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 39
Someone HELP me to not feel guilty about leaving :( ....
I just need some reassurance- someone to remind me I am doing the right thing!
As you may or may not know I have had a plan in place for leaving since Jan 2nd. I am leaving my VA/EA alcoholic husband the week of 1/23 when he will be gone for five days. When he returns home on the 27th he will be coming home to an empty house as my son (9) and I will be gone and living with my parents. I am only taking what I need to start a new life from the inside of the home – he can have the rest. I am told this is the best way to leave. Each day and week that goes by I don’t know, but I am feeling more and more guilty about doing it this way. Even though I know in my heart of hearts, it’s the right way to do it, I am feeling this is really mean to do it this way. I know it’s stupid considering everything he’s said to me over the years and done to me and son over the years, GOD why am I doing this to myself. I feel sick to my stomach when I think of it (the day when I leave). I have everything in place, geese how can I STAY MAD????!!!!!!!
Everythime I get this way I think of the recording on my phone when I recorded him in October calling me a failure, a bi***, dumb*** and every other word in the book and then I DO get mad again! I want to stay mad, but now I’m starting to feel sorry for the way “he’s going to feel” even though I know I want to leave him, I should leave him and I WILL leave him, I’m feeling this way because I know I am going to hurt him and how do I deal with our son who will be hurting because he will be missing daddy? I have a house rented, have everything set up for moving out that week, I’m ALL SET, I’m just scared! I’ve seen attorney, papers are ready to go all I have to do is give the word and he will be served. Someone help me to NOT feel guilty anymore!
As you may or may not know I have had a plan in place for leaving since Jan 2nd. I am leaving my VA/EA alcoholic husband the week of 1/23 when he will be gone for five days. When he returns home on the 27th he will be coming home to an empty house as my son (9) and I will be gone and living with my parents. I am only taking what I need to start a new life from the inside of the home – he can have the rest. I am told this is the best way to leave. Each day and week that goes by I don’t know, but I am feeling more and more guilty about doing it this way. Even though I know in my heart of hearts, it’s the right way to do it, I am feeling this is really mean to do it this way. I know it’s stupid considering everything he’s said to me over the years and done to me and son over the years, GOD why am I doing this to myself. I feel sick to my stomach when I think of it (the day when I leave). I have everything in place, geese how can I STAY MAD????!!!!!!!
Everythime I get this way I think of the recording on my phone when I recorded him in October calling me a failure, a bi***, dumb*** and every other word in the book and then I DO get mad again! I want to stay mad, but now I’m starting to feel sorry for the way “he’s going to feel” even though I know I want to leave him, I should leave him and I WILL leave him, I’m feeling this way because I know I am going to hurt him and how do I deal with our son who will be hurting because he will be missing daddy? I have a house rented, have everything set up for moving out that week, I’m ALL SET, I’m just scared! I’ve seen attorney, papers are ready to go all I have to do is give the word and he will be served. Someone help me to NOT feel guilty anymore!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Repeat this over and over: You are not responsible for his feelings.
You are only responsible for your actions. If you believe this is the best way to move on with your life as you need it to be, then do it.
Dr. Laura has a saying "Guilt is what we feel when we do something wrong." Are you feeling guilt? Or sadness that is has actually come to this?
You are only responsible for your actions. If you believe this is the best way to move on with your life as you need it to be, then do it.
Dr. Laura has a saying "Guilt is what we feel when we do something wrong." Are you feeling guilt? Or sadness that is has actually come to this?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 39
Sadness, not guilt. Sadness......that he has done this to our family. Sadness he has done this to my family (parents and sister/niece/nephew), sadness for me and our son, sadness as I spent probably one last evening last night with his side of the family. Sadness. 
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Sadness is ok and entirely normal...try to balance it out with this: HE may have tried to sink the family, but by leaving you are giving your family a chance to thrive, and teaching your son what is not acceptable behaviour between partners. Those are PRECIOUS gifts *you* are giving yourself and your son.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Reading my old posts always helps me find perspective.
I used to translate every emotion I had into two things. Resentment and guilt. Lots of guilt. For me - a lot of that guilt was fear. I know what it is like to feel that way about hurting someone else. I was so wrapped up in crying for him it didn't even occur to me to wonder how I felt much less express it. In looking back I think most of that guilt was fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of hurting someone else. Fear that I was not good enough to make this OK and that the entire world would just fall apart if I could not save him. In looking further back that was a fear I was carrying with me from my childhood. It wasn't so much about him specifically but about focusing a fear that was already inside me onto him. That realization helped me see that a decision didn't always feel right to be right. I had to accept that my feelings were not what I should base my actions on. I needed to *think*. Courage isn't about feeling good or brave, it is about feeling the fear - and walking through it. To me courage is doing the next right thing - even when I'm afraid or anxious. I'm smart. I can figure out the next right thing and I can trust that if I just listen to my voice instead of getting sucked up into a whirlwind of emotion.
I used to translate every emotion I had into two things. Resentment and guilt. Lots of guilt. For me - a lot of that guilt was fear. I know what it is like to feel that way about hurting someone else. I was so wrapped up in crying for him it didn't even occur to me to wonder how I felt much less express it. In looking back I think most of that guilt was fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of hurting someone else. Fear that I was not good enough to make this OK and that the entire world would just fall apart if I could not save him. In looking further back that was a fear I was carrying with me from my childhood. It wasn't so much about him specifically but about focusing a fear that was already inside me onto him. That realization helped me see that a decision didn't always feel right to be right. I had to accept that my feelings were not what I should base my actions on. I needed to *think*. Courage isn't about feeling good or brave, it is about feeling the fear - and walking through it. To me courage is doing the next right thing - even when I'm afraid or anxious. I'm smart. I can figure out the next right thing and I can trust that if I just listen to my voice instead of getting sucked up into a whirlwind of emotion.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Tucson
Posts: 71
Hugs qbert.
I remember reading your post about making a plan to leave and thinking wow, what a smart woman....thinking and planning and not leaving in a huff after a big blowout.
Maybe you could take a recording of him going off on you, put it on an ipod and re-listen to it every time you feel sorry for him.
I remember reading your post about making a plan to leave and thinking wow, what a smart woman....thinking and planning and not leaving in a huff after a big blowout.
Maybe you could take a recording of him going off on you, put it on an ipod and re-listen to it every time you feel sorry for him.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 139
I had 3 panic attacks the day we moved my son and I out of the house. I was a wreck.
I haven't shed a tear since. It was the right thing.
You will get through it, and you will be great.
I cannot describe to you, the freedom and peace you feel when you are away, and you get that first really good night sleep. It's amazing.
You can do it!
I haven't shed a tear since. It was the right thing.
You will get through it, and you will be great.
I cannot describe to you, the freedom and peace you feel when you are away, and you get that first really good night sleep. It's amazing.
You can do it!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I’m feeling this way because I know I am going to hurt him and how do I deal with our son who will be hurting because he will be missing daddy?
I know as a mother it's a natural instinct to try and protect our kids from pain. However, what your son is going to learn from this is that it's NOT okay treat a woman the way your AH treats you. He's also going to learn that sometimes pain is a part of life, and that you and he will get through this.
Our kids need coping skills when they go out in life. I was extremely sheltered and protected as I was growing up, much to my detriment. I was totally unprepared for what the world was like out there.
You will be okay, and your son will be okay!
Sending you hugs of support!
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
...and besides...this IS the best thing for him as well. It may not feel like it for him, but it IS the best thing. He's one step closer to taking personal responsibility!...which may never actually happen, but at least you are giving him the opportunity to grow.
You are doing the right thing....for everyone concerned.
You are doing the right thing....for everyone concerned.
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
I read an article recently which was life reports from people that are 70 and older. One really stuck with me: " Don't stay with people who, over time, grow apart from you. Move on. This means do that you think will make you feel okay -- even if that makes others feel temporarily not okay."
I was married to an alcoholic for 25 years, two years ago we divorced. It's been the best 2 years of my life, really. I wish I had left sooner, but I am making the best of every moment of joy now.
Hang in there, follow your plan. Good luck.
I was married to an alcoholic for 25 years, two years ago we divorced. It's been the best 2 years of my life, really. I wish I had left sooner, but I am making the best of every moment of joy now.
Hang in there, follow your plan. Good luck.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl 
Repeat this over and over: You are not responsible for his feelings.
You are only responsible for your actions. If you believe this is the best way to move on with your life as you need it to be, then do it.
Dr. Laura has a saying "Guilt is what we feel when we do something wrong." Are you feeling guilt? Or sadness that is has actually come to this?
You are only responsible for your actions. If you believe this is the best way to move on with your life as you need it to be, then do it.
Dr. Laura has a saying "Guilt is what we feel when we do something wrong." Are you feeling guilt? Or sadness that is has actually come to this?
I just love the wisdom on this site.
Priceless!
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I am in awe at your presence of mind and your ability to plan and do things the smart way.
See, I didn't do that. I wanted to, for a long time. I had a long-range plan. But things blew up in my face and I left with the kids and the clothes on my back on a day when I the same morning had no idea I was going to leave that night.
Planning is smarter. And, probably, harder, because it gives you the time to agonize over your decision.
Let me just tell you that I have never heard the spouse of an alcoholic say "I wish I had stayed longer. I wish I hadn't left."
I have never for even a split second regretted leaving. It was hard, it was painful, but it was not nearly as hard or painful as staying would have been.
See, I didn't do that. I wanted to, for a long time. I had a long-range plan. But things blew up in my face and I left with the kids and the clothes on my back on a day when I the same morning had no idea I was going to leave that night.
Planning is smarter. And, probably, harder, because it gives you the time to agonize over your decision.
Let me just tell you that I have never heard the spouse of an alcoholic say "I wish I had stayed longer. I wish I hadn't left."
I have never for even a split second regretted leaving. It was hard, it was painful, but it was not nearly as hard or painful as staying would have been.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: WI
Posts: 195
Like you, I planned my move and was in the midst of finding employment (had just finished school). I know you have a lot of good advice above but I just want to add, don't do anything that may tip him off.
I planned to move on a Friday (while he was at work) and the day before I packed a bunch of shampoo into a box (I always kept a good supply of just about anything as it went on sale). Anyway, he *noticed* that there was a lot of shampoo missing and must have had other clues that I was getting ready to move because he angrily confronted me at 0430 that morning.
Long and short is after he went to work, I called my two brothers and asked if they could move me one day early (that day), called my *new* job and asked if I could switch my day off, and moved one day earlier because I was sure I was going to have hell to pay if I was still there by that evening.
It all worked out, "phew"; AND no regrets
Trust yourself. You didn't go this far without good reason.
I planned to move on a Friday (while he was at work) and the day before I packed a bunch of shampoo into a box (I always kept a good supply of just about anything as it went on sale). Anyway, he *noticed* that there was a lot of shampoo missing and must have had other clues that I was getting ready to move because he angrily confronted me at 0430 that morning.
Long and short is after he went to work, I called my two brothers and asked if they could move me one day early (that day), called my *new* job and asked if I could switch my day off, and moved one day earlier because I was sure I was going to have hell to pay if I was still there by that evening.
It all worked out, "phew"; AND no regrets
Trust yourself. You didn't go this far without good reason.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I left my alcoholic exbf over a year ago. Do I miss him? Sure. Do I miss what the alcohol does to him? H*LL NOOOOOO And guess what? I know he's STILL drinking. So..I did what I had to do.
Like another person said, I only wish I'd left sooner. My life is so much better now, and yours will be too. It may be rough going for a while, but in the end, you will find peace. There is NO peace in a household suffering from addictive disease.
Like another person said, I only wish I'd left sooner. My life is so much better now, and yours will be too. It may be rough going for a while, but in the end, you will find peace. There is NO peace in a household suffering from addictive disease.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
You aren't depriving your son of his father. Your AH is doing that by continuing on the path he's on. You are protecting your son from seeing you be emotionally abused and eventually thinking that is the way you treat the people you supposedly love...according to your AH anyway.
Do what you need to ....read more stories here about people who have gotten out. I have yet to read that someone regreted their decision.
Do what you need to ....read more stories here about people who have gotten out. I have yet to read that someone regreted their decision.
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