dbh

Hello Everyone,

I've been struggling with something and I decided to reach out to see if someone has any ESH related to this.

I've been working on my recovery for about 4 years. I have made great strides, but still have a way to go. After a long hiatus, I'm starting to go to face to face meetings again and I plan to look for a sponsor so that I can continue with my steps.

The thing that I'm struggling with now is that I'm still "using" food as a means to comfort myself. I've been doing this since childhood - food, TV, books, and magazines were my favorite ways of zoning out and escaping the dramas of my childhood.

I have also always had issues with my weight. I eat pretty healthy now, but my weight is starting to climb into the obese range because I simply can't get a handle on my stress eating.

It's definitely ACA related. It happens mostly in the afternoon/early evening. The kids come home and I start feeling anxious about what I need to do and what I didn't accomplish that day. The way I choose to suppress these uncomfortable feelings is to sit at the computer and eat. I feel powerless over this behavior. It reminds me of how I used to obsess about people, places, and things.

Guess the solution would be to force myself to NOT "soothe" myself and actually experience whatever emotions are coming up during that time. Maybe journal instead of eat? To be quite honest, I don't really understand why I get so anxious during that time of day.

I'm finding that as I'm letting go of many of my "ACA behaviors", I'm clinging to the last of my unhealthy traits like a lifeline.

I'm almost scared to give up EVERYTHING.

I need to find healthy ways to comfort myself, but it's so hard to give up habits that have worked for almost 50 years.

If I continue down this road, I will not be able to enjoy the rest of my life to it's fullest. If don't stop this, there will be health problems and restricted activity in my future.

So many people in my life have let me down. I can't let myself down too!

Thanks for letting me share.

db

Willybluedog

I have done the same thing for many years, carbs are the succubus of my existance...

I finally joined weight watchers a few months ago and have lost 25 pounds. The nice thing about the points plus plan is that you can eat whatever you want, whenever you want as long as you stay under your points total.

I save most of my points for the evening hours so I can eat when I am really nervous and my hunger spikes.

I may not have eliminated my stress eating by just "not doing it" but I am much more aware of my eating habits and control my overall intake as well as the quality of food I eat.

I hope this helps,

Best of luck,

Bill

Kialua

I too, have done the same thing for many years. I know mine stems from my AD who did grope me when drunk and showed me off to his drunken friends to admire. ick. But I have recently found success with the (often unpopular) Atkins diet. I was really hooked on carbs and once I got rid of them the cravings and nervous shaky desire for them has disappeared. It wasn't easy to get rid of them but after about a month I can't even believe it when others bring out all the goodies I actually have no interest in them.

At first the eating seems so innocent, it's not drinking, drugs or smoking...come on it's only food, we need food to eat. Can't cut it out like other things. It's one of the hardest things to control, to have to be ever vigilant.

Whatever plan you try I wish you luck, and yes it is tied into our ACA past isn't it?

@Bill, good for you! I wish you much success too!

Willybluedog

Kialua,

Thanks for the support, I am so sorry about your dad and his friends, that makes me so sad, I will say a prayer for you.

I loved atkins, I lost a bunch of weight but then I fell off the wagon and started bad habits again, I gained 40 pounds in what seemed like 3 months and I was so sick from the carb shock that I thought I had Krohns.

Thanks again,

Bill

LotusBlossom

A lot of my cravings for carbs and sugar in the past year I know I could directly attribute to coming off alcohol and were around known PAWS times (Post Alcohol Withdrawel Syndrome I think it is) and sugar cravings are common. I am not averse to asking for medical help for a while myself while kicking cravings and what not and there are a lot of medications that curb appetite that a dr can help you with. That is something that has a lot of controversy associated with it, however and a lot of people will not do it. "Fortunately" (however you want to look at it) a lot of the meds I am on for my head problems (migraines and trigeminal neuralgia) a side effect of every single one is a decrease in appetite so pretty much right now I have to FORCE myself to eat as it is every day. Great for weight loss (which I was very much overweight from 10 years of eating junk and drinking beer every day) but ya...In the mean time, however I'll ride the coaster of weight loss and my doctor doesn't seem too concerned since I am forcing myself to eat and supplementing with vitamins and stuff. Nearly 75 lbs down since February 2011!

I do appreciate you bringing this up though, because maybe down the road when they switch meds on me when these lose efficacy (they already are *sigh*) and don't have the same side effects it is something I can watch for.

Plath

I'm not very far along with my ACA recovery, but I do have experience with substituting one unhealthy coping mechanism for another, for sure.

It sounds like, from what I read of your post, that maybe you are having the guilty feelings of "I've not done enough today, and the kids will be/are home, and they will see that I'm not good enough"...? I could be wrong, of course, or pointing out the obvious (I'm never sure anymore, hahah). Just a thought. That's certainly how my brain still operates.

I think that writing instead of eating is a great idea, or if you feel like you haven't done enough throughout the day, do something small, or a couple of small things (for me, I take care of my 8 month-old son all day, but I don't get much accomplished other than his feeding, changing, laundry, playing, etc., and then I just want to relax and not worry about cleaning anything else!).

I also spend most of my day on the computer, off and on. Instead of eating, I drink coffee all day long and step outside for cigarettes (a habit that I had kicked, but have been struggling with again for the past few months...definitely part of my unhealthy coping mechanisms), and I'm sure that this is a part of "zoning out" that I used to get from using drugs back when that was my primary form of "coping".

But, when my husband comes home, or the baby is napping and I'm still awake, I will sometimes do something simple like give the bathroom a quick, 5-10 minute cleaning, wipe the counters down, and throw some laundry in. I suppose it's a way of making myself feel as though I've accomplished something throughout the day, especially as my parental figures would berate me regularly for being "lazy" and "just like your dad", etc.

On the evenings that I work, I try to just take it easy on myself, although I still feel guilty for that (and I work late nights at a women's shelter, so you would think I would feel okay about what I accomplish on those days, but I never seem to).

I may or may not be understanding the origins of the pattern you're describing, but those are some things that help me when I'm feeling anxious when my husband comes home and I feel like I haven't done enough, or I have too much that I "should" have got done.

Because, in all honesty (I don't know about you), I had parental figures who were obsessive-compulsive about cleaning and the like, and it's something that I've had to really work on to overcome my need to just not do anything other than what is absolutely required of me in my home.

I've made a lot of improvement (my apartments in my twenties and early thirties looked like a homeless person lived there) over the years, and now things are basically in order, but I still feel a lot of guilt if I don't "get enough accomplished" during the day.

Eating, for me, is an issue in the other direction. It requires effort that is geared towards my self-care, so I neglect my own eating habits pretty badly.

I hope I haven't projected my own issues too much into what you're describing, but you certainly seem to be on the right track as far as your awareness, allowing yourself to feel your feelings, and finding healthier alternatives.

Best wishes for you, and of course I'm sure that people have suggested that, if you just feel the compulsion to eat, choose fresh fruits and vegetables to snack on...but of course, that's so much easier said than done.

LifeRecovery

I hope I am not intruding on this post as I have been fortunate to not call myself an ACA though I believe both my parents are.

I am in recovery from an eating disorder and continue to struggle off and on with the behavior you describe (I have come a long way though and am at piece with this part of it).

I have found that mindfull eating classes have offered me a lot. Much of the work is based off of Meditation work by Jon Kabbat Zinn. I don't struggle with food when I am more mindfull because I am not trying to mask the uncomfortable feelings.

I also learned a lot from a book called Eating by the Light of the Moon by Anita Johnson. It is geared toward woman with eating disorders, but there is an analogy in there that stays with me all the time. To paraphrase the story:

You live in a village that gets flooded. You get wrapped up in the flood waters and you are afraid you will drown. A huge log comes along and you grab onto it....it saves you life.

Down river the water evens out. It is smooth and all of a sudden you see you family and loved ones by the river bank. They encourage you to swim over to them, but to do so you will have to let go of the log as it is weighing you down. You want to get to dry land and be okay, but the log saved your life.

You have to practice letting go of the log slowly, practice strokes first maybe. Finally you are able to let go and make it to shore.

When I remember that my eating disorder is the log that save me at one point in my life....I start to get why letting go is so hard.

I do know this beating myself up about it never makes me feel better, and often makes me want to engage even more.

Willybluedog

Plath,

Have you ever tried the electric cigarette, I got one for my dad because he loved to smoke but it bothered his lungs so much he just had to quit. He loves it, I bought the whole kit 2 cigarettes, charger, nicotine drops, shipping, etc. for 40.00, he has been using it for months and has hardly dented the 2 ounce bottle of nicotine drops, no smell, no coughing, and no cravings, it has been wonderful for him. If you are interested send me a message and I will get you all the info.

Bill

Plath

Thanks, Bill!

Electronic cigarettes and nicotine lozenges were how I was able to quit last time (I didn't smoke for almost two years, which is pretty good for a chain smoker of 17 years), but the electronic cigarette I bought back then seems to have run its course. Now it just spits nicotine liquid into my mouth, yuck!


I have seen single e-cigarettes sold in stores, and I'm considering buying one to see if it works as well, but maybe I should try the kind you got for your dad.

Thanks again!

Plath

It just dawned on me that many people grew up in environments where they felt like if they just "did enough" that their parents would love them.

I also grew up feeling that way, to a degree, but chose to rebel against it eventually, because nothing I ever did was good enough, so why bother? So instead, I always had the nagging feeling that I wasn't doing enough, but in reality, I honestly wasn't doing anything productive during the day unless it was an absolute necessity.

I still struggle with this to a degree. I care very diligently for my son and keep things clean, but I'm pretty lackadaisical about getting a lot done during the day. That is definitely ACA related, and I'm usually tardy for appointments for the same reasons.

Anyway, it just occurred to me that a lot of people probably stress out about "what didn't get accomplished" for different reasons than I do.

But it sounds like you have the right idea, dbh, and I wish you the best of luck.

Plath

It just dawned on me that many people grew up in environments where they felt like if they just "did enough" that their parents would love them.

I also grew up feeling that way, to a degree, but chose to rebel against it eventually, because nothing I ever did was good enough, so why bother? So instead, I always had the nagging feeling that I wasn't doing enough, but in reality, I honestly wasn't doing anything productive during the day unless it was an absolute necessity.

I still struggle with this to a degree. I care very diligently for my son and keep things clean, but I'm pretty lackadaisical about getting a lot done during the day. That is definitely ACA related, and I'm usually tardy for appointments for the same reasons.

Anyway, it just occurred to me that a lot of people probably stress out about "what didn't get accomplished" for different reasons than I do.

But it sounds like you have the right idea, dbh, and I wish you the best of luck.

Kialua

Growing up with my alcoholic Dad and five siblings dinnertime was remarkably calm. We had discussions and plenty of laughs. It was a very pleasant time. I was a beautiful child and teenager with no weight problems. My mother was a very good cook as was her mother, my grandmother. I learned to bake wonderful pastries and every kind of desserts from them, and watched her cooking. At my grandparents farm, I wandered outside all day long with no toys, snacking on fresh purple beans, all the berries, apples, endless fruits and veggies, then bring back fresh milk from the cows across the road, separate the cream to make the butter, baked fresh bread and sweet rolls, made ice cream and pie.

Food was the sane island in the eye of the storm. At the same time it was very controlled as well. No eating between meals. Never got a voice in what was made or bought. With five siblings not much time to load the plate before it was all gone and if you missed out too bad. Must finish everything on the plate, no dislikes allowed. One time I decided to stop eating potatoes, this at my confirmation dinner. All hell breaks loose and I am confined to my room while my party continued without me.

Leaving home for the first time I had to go to a grocery store it was heaven on earth. Here was everything laid out just waiting for me. We never had convenience food or junk food and there it all was. I would walk the aisles for hours reading everything to see what it was. My husband suffered waiting to get out of there and almost dreaded going. Add to that our first apartment was above the ice cream restaurant, Bridgemans, that we visited through our own stairwell daily. I was in art school and my husband worked nights. No drinking meant no partying and no friends so weight became the issue as I had all the time in the world to put in to practice the skills learned from my Mom and grandma. From Pate a Choux, pies, donuts, cakes, cookies, custards, to roasts, salmon teriyake, tempura and everything in between I made it all, very good too thank you. And that was a problem, good food waiting at my fingertips any time I deigned to make it. It was all encompassing, it was entertainment, it was challenging, it was needed and it was a nightmare.

It has taken me decades to unravel this nightmare. Many diets have come and gone with the weight coming and going. It's no wonder, food filled so many masked desires when it was the only sanity in my childhood.

dbh

Thank you so much for your replies.

Billy, congratulations on your weight loss! I have had some success with WW in the past. I lose weight as long as I stay focused. Unfortunately, all I need is one emotional blip to derail me completely. Once I'm derailed, it's so hard to get my momentum back again.

Kialua, when I read about your dad and his drunk friends my reaction was also "Ick!". I've been in similar situations. My dad started bringing me into bars with him when I was about 10. Nothing like having drunk old men flirt with you! Again, ick. Sorry for your experience.

I should probably look into a possible carb/sugar connection.

Lotusblossom, 75 pounds down is amazing! You know, I haven't really talked with my doctor about helping me with my weight issue. At my check-up I'm usually apologetic. Tell them I know that I need to lose 30-40 pounds and promise to work "harder". I took small amounts of Xanax for a couple years to manage the anxiety I was experiencing over my father's illness and ultimate death. I mostly took it to help me sleep. Didn't want to use that long term though. Guess Xanax was just another way to avoid uncomfortable feelings.

Plath, I was able to relate to so much of your post! I do still tend to validate myself by how much I accomplish in a day. I make HUGE "To Do" lists and then am disappointed when I don't get everything done. Before having children, I would do other things to help with my anxiety. I'd used to love taking long walks or going to the movies. Still escaping a bit, but at least not endangering my health. Food/weight became more of an issue after my children were born because there weren't many other options and it was a quick fix. I also now have a cabinet filled with snacks for my children! BTW, I was a big time smoker too. I quit in 1996 after smoking for about 18 years. One of the most difficult things I have done in my life.

Lastly, thank you so much LifeRecovery for posting the information about Jon Kabbat Zinn and Anita Johnson. I found both of their websites and plan to look into it more. I was really able to relate to the log analogy. While I always knew that I was a stress/binge eater I haven't really looked into any of the eating disorder literature. I think in the back of my mind I always felt that I'd get my eating under control when I worked through all my adult child issues.

Food really was a savior for me when growing up. I have such clear memories of sitting in front of the TV with my siblings watching shows like the Brady Bunch and Partridge Family. Guess it kept us quiet, out of trouble, and under the radar. Which is exactly what you need to do when living with an alcoholic.

One interesting thing is that I DON'T encourage my children to comfort themselves with food. If they are upset or angry about something we talk about it and try to come up with solutions. I'll tell them to go outside and ride their bike or to do something to take their mind off it for awhile.

I actually think I'm a pretty good mom to my children. Now I just need to figure out how to be a good "parent" to myself.

Sorry for the long post! Thank you again for your support.

Fondly,

db

Plath

Good for you, that you encourage your kids to do constructive things to help them sort out their feelings! (I think that deserves a couple of extra exclamation points, so...!!!!!).



It can be SO hard to offer the same care and patience that we are able to offer those we care for.

I make sure that my son has plenty of healthy, organic foods to eat, but I sit and drink coffee for most of the day, rather than eating anything myself. And I went from being a non-smoking vegetarian to someone who has totally relapsed with my chain smoking and eating whatever is quickest and easiest (convenience store "food", anyone?).



Good on you, dbh, for doing the things that you know will put you in a better space--sharing what you're going through, attending meetings, and being aware of your patterns.

You're all very inspiring for me, and it's so relieving to see that other people have triggers and unhealthy coping mechanisms, but are able to slowly but surely work through them to get to the other side.

LifeRecovery

In my humble opinion I think that Eating Disorders come in many shapes and sizes.

Hurricanes like Anorexia and often bulimia with active purging.

In the last 10 years though (very different from when I started recovery) there is compulsive overeating, binge eating without compensation (not throwing up or using laxatives), and a whole gradient in between. This group I often consider the tropical storms of eating disorders (those that can really still do a lot of damage), but are more likely to fly under the radar.

Like Kialua I grew up in a great home about food. A lot of other chaos but the food part was fantastic. Dinner meant family time and support. Sometimes still I have a hard time seperating out that it is not the food alone that gives me that.

Other authors that offer great support in your journey (when ready). Workbooks by Koening (I forget her first name). Anything by Jenni Schaefer (hers is more geared toward the later parts of recovery). Also Intuitive Eating by Tribole and Resch is good, but comes from a less pyschological standpoint and more food based.

I have a great counselor who works with addictions and with eating disorders. I live in a remote part of the world so I know they exist other places.

Willybluedog

One thing I alwys found odd, and it took me many years to figure it out, my mom would never sit down and eat with us, she would always make the excuse that she was getting everything together and to go ahead and start, etc. well what she was doing was drinking dinner in the kitchen while we were eating.

Even now you have to watch her, if you don't go get her and sit her down she will serve all the food, (huge dinners/fantastic cook) and then retreat and gulp wine.

It was one more signpost that alcohol was more important than her family.

So sad,

Plath

Hugs to all of you (if you want 'em) for sharing so openly, being honest with yourselves and others in a safe place, and for the things that you've gone through.