positivechange

I had made such good progress when I decided 2 months ago to quit drinking for good after a decade of heavy drinking and negative consequences... I was able to stay sober for a month, and then as the holidays approached, I kept being tempted time and time again to cheer up with my friends... i was able to keep myself sober for Christmas, but when New Year's Eve came around, I did it... I had a glass of champagne.. i thought no big deal, its not hard liquor, and then i had one more glass, and another one after that... i got tipsy alright, but didn't black out that night like i usually do, so i thought it safe for me to just stick to bubbly and/or wine on special outings and weekends.. bad choice.

Turns out, drinking wine does the same thing to me: i cant just have one glass, so id wake up with terrible headaches and heartburns given the acidity of wine. Anyway, to make a long story short, I went back to hard liquor last week.. It seems like I can't go out on the weekends without drinking...if i dont drink it all seems too boring to me, i end up just observing my surroundings, nothing seems funny or exciting, i'll just be like BLAH while everybody laughs and embraces a good night out..

Unfortunately I gave up and decided to have me a good rum and coke last weekend, and of course I knew what was coming...I had a blast for the first couple of hours, then blacked out after I drank myself to oblivion, woke up with the most terrible, painful hangover ever, and couldn't get out of bed for another day and a half...I felt so remorseful and promised myself to try harder, I cant do this to myself anymore, I hate it, I got so dissappointed in myself... To make up for it i exercised and ate super healthy and became productive during the week, but then as soon as Friday arrived, I got swamped with special events to attend and birthday parties to go to, and so I did... only to fall back into my temptation as everybody held their glasses up to cheer...to not feel left out, I went for it, got caught up in the moment, and this time I did it with tequila...

I feel so bad, I dont want this, I dont want this! Its so bad for me, its so harmful, its so painful, and im so helpless...i read recently that a chemical imbalance in the brain has much to do with addictive personalities, but knowing this helps me very little... so what am i supposed to do with myself? i feel fatigued all week even though i have no reason to feel fatigued, i have severe insomnia every night, i lack enthusiasm most of the time, yet its not like im depressed... on the contrary, everything is so good and beautiful in my life, thank God, yet i still feel like this... and dont know what to do..

People tell me to exercise, take supplements, quit drinking, bla bla bla, its so much easier said than done.. i just dont know why i keep relapsing when ive made it so clear in my brain and heart that this poison is so bad for me and i dont want to choose that life for myself.... i feel so helpless... so helpless.

instant

The journey to sobriety is one of acceptance. This can take time. I found the daily practice of gratitude invaluable to counteract " the life is dull" story. I also read the big book, I don,t go to AA, but my " obsession" has been lifted.

Keep trying and learning and you will progress.

Goog luck

NewBeginning010

Hi Positivechange, I feel where you are coming from. I had quite a few false starts myself in the past. It was when I finally reached a point of being completely & utterly sick & tired of being sick & tired that I decided this was it... I'm done!

Living the life of an alcoholic and the pain & torture that goes along with it isn't worth it. I had to change where I went, what I did & who I was with as well as many other things in my life to finally get it right (including finally accepting that I can never drink again).

In regards to the boredom, it gets better if you make it get better. I have been climbing freaking mountains since being sober... literally ;-) Life can be amazing sober you just have to make a lot of changes in what you do & what you think.

I am so thankful every morning that I wake up sober & especially on the weekends when I am out & being active. I used to spend my weekends in the state of being hungover or drinking & then felt like crap because of it during the week. Thank god that is over with ;-)

Get back at it & stay close to SR, you are going to have to make some changes in that schedule of yours in what you do in the evening but man is it worth it.

All of the best to you

Dee74

Hi positivechange

I think a lot of us have found it harder than we anticipated - I certainly did.

Support was the key for me- finding support, plugging myself into it, reaching out when I felt complacent or scared or angry or any of the hundred other things that made a drink sound ok.

I had to commit to not drinking again - and I had to accept that, for me, that really was all or nothing.

Support helped me with that acceptance journey too.

I don't know what kind of support you've been using, but can you think of things to add so that next time you face the choice you'll have people to call on to help you through?

I hope this doesn't sound like blah blah blah too - the bottom line is if you never want to drink again, you don't have to - it just depends how much work you want to put into it.

I did it so I know you can do it too
welcome back!

Peter G

Exercise and supplements won't help an alcoholic quit drinking any more than rubbing a cow's belly will make me rich.

Let me just ask, since I don't know your story entirely... What program have you utilized to help you stay stopped? AA? Rational Recovery? Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? Weekly appointments with an addiction specialist? SMART? Lifering? Anything besides sheer willpower and a decision 2 months ago to "put your foot down" and stop drinking?

I'm not trying to be facetious at all, really. I only ask because if you've read through this site, you might have heard a few of us mention this: quitting on your own is usually not enough, certainly not for an alcoholic. If it was enough, there wouldn't be any need for all the techniques and programs I've mentioned, and this site wouldn't need to exist.

I have watched about a dozen alcoholics fall from the wagon in my life time, (not including myself) all sobering up temporarily long enough to say "I just don't know why I do this over and over again". They usually go on to say "I won't do AA because of the God thing", "I'm too busy to find a therapist", or any of a number of other excuses for why they feel like it can be done alone, on their own. The tricky part of alcoholism is that it will eternally try and convince you it can be done sans any meaningful support, on your own. That internal trickery keeps people drinking years longer than they have to.

So if you're really asking why you keep relapsing, if you've not sought help from people and institutions who have proven methods of helping you achieve sobriety... well... therein lies your answer.

Again, don't get me wrong. I'm not coming down on you. The clarity that comes from a decision to quit fades in all of us. Happened to me many, many times. Life can and will turn the most staunch resolve into a fleeting, distant afterthought if given enough time. Our initial resolve to quit gets us to the starting gate only. Without a program and techniques to show us how to move forward we always get to the starting gate but very rarely enter the race.

Eventually, once far enough removed from whatever brought us to NEED to quit, we so often forget the intensity of our bad booze experiences. At some point, some new and tricky environmental situation comes up like they always do, and a true booze-hound always ends up reaching for the one thing they've always known will provide relief.

Sounds to me like you need to humble yourself and find a program. Go to an AA meeting. Make an appointment with an addiction therapist and go to one appointment. Even if you're completely sure it will be the stupidest and most ridiculous thing you've ever done, what have you got to lose? A few hours?

Dee said it... you don't have to drink again, ever. Really. Seek out whatever you need to help you and work it.