being put under a microscope
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
being put under a microscope
How do you handle having everything you do being put under a microscope to be picked apart and being told you are "unbelievable" and not in a positive way? My AH(not drinking for about 1 week now) is either ignoring me or finding fault in things i do mostly parenting. In his eyes I am an terrible parent and makes sure I know what he thinks of me. 
OH and I handled it badly.
OH and I handled it badly.
Last edited by cricket123; 01-15-2012 at 08:06 PM. Reason: title
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Cricket, welcome, so glad you are here, and also really glad you are sharing.
I guess everyone handles this differently, I used to get angry when confronted because my self-esteem has been crap for so many years, now I try to turn it around, I ask how would you handle it.
Another thing that I did, especially with my ex, I wrote down all the nit-picky sh#t she said and went over it with her at the end of the day, when I had a list of all her little zingers dropped throughout the day it tended to show her how large the impact was.
The other thing I did was stop right then and call her out, now this was a not always a good strategy, sometimes she would throw things, break things, hit me, scream, etc.
Other times I would just leave and go for a walk, you want to criticize, you can do it better, you just bought the job, it's yours, you own it, screw you.
Now that I am married to a "rational person" we can discuss things like this in a civil manner as they happen.
Counseling has been a huge help for me, my first wife did not need counseling because she was "sane" unlike me. Some will also suggest al-anon as a way to understand your A and deal with your own recovery.
Anyway, best of luck to you, I will be glad to listen if you want to talk, or just need to vent, or give a ((hug)) if you need one.
Bill
I guess everyone handles this differently, I used to get angry when confronted because my self-esteem has been crap for so many years, now I try to turn it around, I ask how would you handle it.
Another thing that I did, especially with my ex, I wrote down all the nit-picky sh#t she said and went over it with her at the end of the day, when I had a list of all her little zingers dropped throughout the day it tended to show her how large the impact was.
The other thing I did was stop right then and call her out, now this was a not always a good strategy, sometimes she would throw things, break things, hit me, scream, etc.
Other times I would just leave and go for a walk, you want to criticize, you can do it better, you just bought the job, it's yours, you own it, screw you.
Now that I am married to a "rational person" we can discuss things like this in a civil manner as they happen.
Counseling has been a huge help for me, my first wife did not need counseling because she was "sane" unlike me. Some will also suggest al-anon as a way to understand your A and deal with your own recovery.
Anyway, best of luck to you, I will be glad to listen if you want to talk, or just need to vent, or give a ((hug)) if you need one.
Bill
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Tucson
Posts: 71
Is this an alcoholic trait? I've never met anyone in my whole life that acts like hubby and here there are so many.
I really haven't found anything that helps except public opinion. Its one of the the things I got from the one al-anon meeting I went to long long ago. They probably said alot more, but what I took away from there was be a friend not a parent and don't hide his behaviors, especially from his friends and family.
Or leave him.
I wouldn't call my marriage a success, but the only things I found that did help came from al-anon. So maybe give them several tries if you haven't already.
I really haven't found anything that helps except public opinion. Its one of the the things I got from the one al-anon meeting I went to long long ago. They probably said alot more, but what I took away from there was be a friend not a parent and don't hide his behaviors, especially from his friends and family.
Or leave him.
I wouldn't call my marriage a success, but the only things I found that did help came from al-anon. So maybe give them several tries if you haven't already.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
my reaction to it was not good and I know better. I am tired of this and not sure what I should do. This is about the 4th time I have been through this with him and I am about done. I guess right now I am here for my kids. I guess that is Detachment. lol
I was reading a self help book this eveing and they were saying that your spouse does not wake up in the morning thinking what can I do to make my spouses life Miserable today and my thought was yes he does. lol
I was reading a self help book this eveing and they were saying that your spouse does not wake up in the morning thinking what can I do to make my spouses life Miserable today and my thought was yes he does. lol
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Hello cricket123, Welcome to SR!
Well, I guess I would handle being put under a microscope by insisting that I not be put there. It sounds as though your husband is not handling early sobriety all that well. Perhaps when he begins one of his lectures, you and the children can take a walk around the block?
Even if he is not getting any support or using any program for his own recovery, perhaps you could use some face-to-face support through counseling or Al-Anon meetings. I hope you will consider this for the sake of your children (who are being affected by all this regardless of whether or not you and your husband believe you are shielding them from it all).
I hope today is a better day for you! Hugs, HG
Well, I guess I would handle being put under a microscope by insisting that I not be put there. It sounds as though your husband is not handling early sobriety all that well. Perhaps when he begins one of his lectures, you and the children can take a walk around the block?
Even if he is not getting any support or using any program for his own recovery, perhaps you could use some face-to-face support through counseling or Al-Anon meetings. I hope you will consider this for the sake of your children (who are being affected by all this regardless of whether or not you and your husband believe you are shielding them from it all).
I hope today is a better day for you! Hugs, HG
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
This is still one of my challenges. I live apart from my RABF, who has been not drinking for 6 months, but who is not active in a recovery program.
He said something to me the other day, and it still stings. I know it's not true, and I'm fine with him saying whatever he wants, but I don't know how long I'll leave myself open to hearing such crap.
I know if I've tried discussing my feelings with him, it is like talking to a wall and all he does is accuse me of having no empathy for him.
He said something to me the other day, and it still stings. I know it's not true, and I'm fine with him saying whatever he wants, but I don't know how long I'll leave myself open to hearing such crap.
I know if I've tried discussing my feelings with him, it is like talking to a wall and all he does is accuse me of having no empathy for him.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
Oh this is my favorite part of living with a RAH!
Let's play 20 questions....the point isn't to get an answer it is to try to make you feel out of control, stupid and completely unorganized.
I won't play anymore.
When I hear...why are these here?? because I've set something on the fireplace (a pet peeve of his) I say because they are. Leave it alone.
"but...do they NEED to be here?"
"yes, leave them alone."
"well I am going to put them back....." starts picking said item up to move it elsewhere.
"NO. I said I needed it there so leave it there." usually yelling
"well you don't have to yell!" as he stomps off.
Geezz......leave me the 'f' alone already!!!!
Let's play 20 questions....the point isn't to get an answer it is to try to make you feel out of control, stupid and completely unorganized.
I won't play anymore.
When I hear...why are these here?? because I've set something on the fireplace (a pet peeve of his) I say because they are. Leave it alone.
"but...do they NEED to be here?"
"yes, leave them alone."
"well I am going to put them back....." starts picking said item up to move it elsewhere.
"NO. I said I needed it there so leave it there." usually yelling
"well you don't have to yell!" as he stomps off.
Geezz......leave me the 'f' alone already!!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
So is this what you want for your life? Do you think he will change or that there's something you can say or do to alter the situation.
This is very good place to start getting your life back. You do not deserve this behavior and you don't have to accept.
This is very good place to start getting your life back. You do not deserve this behavior and you don't have to accept.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr 
So is this what you want for your life? Do you think he will change or that there's something you can say or do to alter the situation.
This is very good place to start getting your life back. You do not deserve this behavior and you don't have to accept.
This is very good place to start getting your life back. You do not deserve this behavior and you don't have to accept.
Recovery is a process not an EVENT...and sometimes it DOES get better and they are able to find their way.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
There is a huge difference in not drinking and recovery. Just not drinking can be very difficult, which can cause a person to be irritable about every little thing. They need to be involved in some sort of recovery group where they can learn a new way to approach life sober.
If this behavior just started in the last week since he's not been drinking, maybe it can be chalked up to anxiety. If he's been this way for a long time, then maybe he's just a jerk normally. If a jerk just quits drinking, he's just a sober jerk to the tenth degree.
If this behavior just started in the last week since he's not been drinking, maybe it can be chalked up to anxiety. If he's been this way for a long time, then maybe he's just a jerk normally. If a jerk just quits drinking, he's just a sober jerk to the tenth degree.
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