lost78

Hello Everyone,

This is my first post on these forums and I am posting because I am totally at the end of the line and don't know what to do any-more.

I have been with my girlfriend for 9 years and in this time I have witnessed her destroying her life bit by bit.

When we first started our relationship I knew she was drinking but I didnt realise the scale of the problem until I had become attached to her. She had an abusive partner and children from a previous relationship and had lots of issues which I thought I could help her with.

I have tried to support her throughout the time I have been with her. Her family live 400miles away and so it was kind of left to me to deal with everything on a daily basis. I felt I had to help for her and her kids and so tried everything I could.

She used to always ask me to live with her but I explained I could not because of the drinking and hoped she would stop and we could build a life together.

She used to be a nurse but wasn't working when I met her and has never returned to work throughout our relationship. Things came to a head 5 years ago when she was drinking so heavily that her parents came and took away her children they now have parental responsibility for them. I thought that this would be the day when she woke up as she loves them very much but that still didn't stop her.

After that she lost her house as it was reposed and ended up in rented accommodation. She caused a house fire and I ended up driving around looking for her the police dr's no one could seem to help. When I found her I begged with her and her parents to get her into rehab and she spent what money she did have left getting into a rehab clinic. I drove her there and she was in there for a month. She had nowhere to stay when she came out and no money so I said she could live with me while she got back on her feet.

About a week after she came out of rehab she was arrested for drink driving but I still let her come back and stay with me. She stayed with me for a year and it was horrible I would come home from work to find her drunk having messed herself on sofas, beds anywhere around the house. I even ended up in a jail cell as she called the police and accused me of abusing her, but still I felt sorry for her and took her back.

She then got offered a place of her own to live in and moved out but since then it has been drinking followed by promises ever since.

I have tried everything I can to help her. I have got to the stage where I have stopped talking to other people about it because they must think im crazy.

Its even making me ill. I now suffer lots of stress and have anxiety attacks all the time and I just feel like I have lost myself totally.

I am now at a stage in my life where my friends are all settled down and happy and starting families and this is what I want but it could never happen with her.

I feel that I need to leave for my own well being and my own life but at the same time I am so worried for her if I do go. Sometimes it feels like I am the only person keeping her alive. Her family have turned their backs on her and she has no friends.

She is the nicest person in the world when she is sober and when she says she is going to change and she is sorry I always believe her and take her back.

I thought to myself 2012 will be a new year and a new start. I had her children stay with me over christmas so she could see them but as soon as they went back home she got drunk. Then was drunk again this week.

She has lost her kids, her career, her home, her health everything and still doesn't stop.

I have no trust and don't feel like I am in love. I care for her a great deal but I feel more like a carer than a partner.

I just don't know how to escape this nightmare.

LucyA

You talk a lot about your girlfriend and I'm sure you love her very much, but during this time what have you done for you?

bluoval

As much as you care for someone else, you can't change them. The worst thing you could do is be an enabler that allows someone to keep doing what they're doing and take you (and everyone in their life) down in the process. Pray for her and protect yourself at the same time.

lost78

Hi Lucy,

I don't know how to answer that its just like the last few years has been a blur and gone from one disaster to the other.

I have struggled financially emotionally and feel like I have been lying to myself and everyone around me about the situation I am in.

I am approaching my mid 30's now and I think its now hitting home that I am throwing my life away being with someone who is never going to change. But I feel so guilty about leaving them to be alone and look after themselves I am so worried for them but at the same time I feel like I have to get away.

button21

I would suggest that you attend some al-anon meetings and focus on yourself. The answers will likely come afterwards.

bluoval

GoatGirl

First hugs (((((((( hugs ))))))))

Second pay attention to the wise words of the other posters. I'm new here too and have already benefitted greatly from their experience.

I'd also recommend al-anon, there are people who have gone through, who are going through, what you have and just hearing their experiences can help.With their support, I'm learning about setting boundaries and having more regard for myself.

I'm in a similar situation to you, my boyfriend is in a recovery/relapse cycle and has lived with me since his first stint in rehab. I've picked him his bills and supported him while he's been out of work. I'm working on stopping that.

Fortunately he's not too messy, though he has trashed my flat a few times in my absence and as he's in relapse right now, I know the dread of what I'll find when I get home. He's about to go into rehab again and I'm going to use the time to really work out what I want and if that's to end the relationship, how that can be achieved.

My heart goes out to you and I hope you find some peace.

Seren

Hello lost, Welcome to SR!

I'm so glad you found us! This is a great place filled with people who really do understand what you are going through.

Please make yourself comfortable and read and read and read! Alcoholism is progressive and usually gets worse before it gets better.

The bottom line for those of us who care for someone who struggles with addiction is....
We can't save them.

The only thing we can do is take care of ourselves. Many of us have been so trained to take care of others, that we feel guilty when we put our own needs first for once, but it is not a selfish thing to do.

Post here anytime with questions or just to vent. Welcome, again!!

lost78

Hi Everyone,

and thank you for your words and advice I will be sure to read all I can and try and take the time to think of what I can do maybe for myself for a change.

This evening is a typical example of how she is when she is drinking. She has gone off the radar for a couple of days and now called. She has no gas or electricity or food (spent all her money on booze) and its freezing cold outside.

I picked her up and she stinks she has wet herself and god knows how long she has been in these clothes for.

I now got her clothes in the wash and got her in the bath and im just thinking this cant be it this cant be my life.

I just wish someone would come and take her away and look after her so I could know she was safe.

Is this enabling? Should I just leave her to it and let her freeze?

Isollae

I don't know anything about this side of alcoholism, so I apologize if my words are ignorant.
I was just wondering if there's a church or homeless shelter or some place like that that you could take her to so that you can leave her knowing that she won't freeze or starve? I know some churches offer both food and overnight shelter, especially during the winter months. I know you can't make her get help, but maybe you can take her to some place that provides the basic necessities for people who won't or can't help themselves and then you could leave her knowing that she has easy access to shelter etc?

MyBetterWorld

My XAH lost his job, home, kids/family. He is currently homeless ( in winter in wisconsin...brrrrrrr) and facing a jail sentence.

He continues to drink.

I guess what I am saying is no matter what YOU do, she isn't going to change until SHE wants to. Move the energy and focus back to YOU.

You said "this can't be my life"
Well guess what? It is, and you have chosen it. YOu can chose to leave.

Hugs. It's hard, I know. I can tell you that once you leave and focus on you, it DOES get easier.

lost78

Thanks Mybetterworld,

It has all come to a head this week and I have decided to end it. It just has suddenly hit me that I have spent 9 nearly 10 years of my life with her because I love her but all my hopes and dreams have gone.

We could of had a family I could of had children with her but we haven't had any of that.

This week its like I have had a breakdown we said we would try for a child when she sobered up in a few months because she is older than me and time is against us. But then I just started sobbing as I knew I was kidding myself its all I have wanted for years to have a family with her and a life with her.

She then started saying that this time she would stop now she knows I am serious about the relationship because I said I want a family but I just thought I couldn't bring a child into this and just broke down. I have been begging her to stop for years so I could have a child with her. Why didn't she sober up when she met me why couldn't she stop drinking for me instead of drinking to block her life out.

I haven't been able to eat or sleep for the past few days I have just been crying my heart out at the life that I have lost, decisions I have made and guilt I feel. I just want her to be ok I still love her and no one can understand that.

I told my family as I have been covering for her and they all think I am mad what do I love about this woman, this woman that has done this why have I allowed her to do this?

I have arranged for a meeting with a group that helps families and friends of people with addiction so I am hoping they can help me get over this, leave my feelings of guilt behind and move on with my life.

Now having been through this I would only say to people who have maybe only been with someone a short time to get away from them as quickly as possible. Your saving yourself a lot of pain and hurt in the long run and if they love you they will stop to get you back.

Sorry I am rambling and sorry if this is not making a lot of sense to anyone else but me but I just have to vent and get this out to try and get rid of some of the hurt and pain. I cant imagine living my life without her now, it feels like I am losing part of myself but I know I have to do it.

tjp613

Hi Lost -- Welcome to SR. Please stay close and post as often as you need to as you move through this phase of transition and healing. We are here for you.

My son is an addict and he is 21 years old. I, too, have had to face facts and let him go to experience the full impact of his choices. This is the hardest thing I have ever done but I tell you this: I experience a level of serenity now that was never possible while I was enmeshed in his life and his problems. Yes, this is extremely hard, but I have my sanity and I have a real life. I realized that nothing was to be gained by us both going down with that sinking ship. I also realized that I have NO power to make him stop using . Over the years we have supported and enabled him in the name of love. He is my son! And with all the "help" we have provided he is now deeper into addiction than he has ever been.

My son will not seek recovery until HE wants it. So when will he want it? When the pain of using becomes greater than the pain of quitting. It may take years. It may never happen. He might very well die instead of choosing recovery. These are facts I have to accept.

Serenity lies in acceptance.

It sounds to me like you should seriously consider going "no contact" because you are so heavily enmeshed. And you definitely could benefit from counseling with a therapist specialized in these issues -- you will need that support. And by all means, seek an alanon meeting if you can. Go often.

You will get better and brighter days are ahead. It is time to Let Go and leave her in the arms of God.

fedup3

lost78, we understand what you are going through, ugh. I'm so sorry I know that feeling of spinning around and around looking but not finding an answer to fix all this for your loved one. I had to let go of my XAH of 39 yrs of marriage because my mental and physical health were being destroyed by the stress. Please don't let that happen to you. There is life for you and a good one but you need to step aside and let her have the dignity of choosing her own life, maybe not the one you would chose for her but only she can deside to continue or stop on the road she is on.

We're here for you, keep posting and reading around this site and please find an Al-Anon near you, it will help greatly.

Isollae

Huge huge hugs lost78. You make sense just fine. Don't worry if others think you're mad for loving her. You do and thats just how it is. Shes not in a place where she can love anyone though, and thats also just how it is. Please take care of yourself. Its a bit like having gangrene. Its better to lose a part of you from loving her then to lose all of you. And you can't heal her or you by keeping her part of you.

All my hopes and good wishes are with you.

Cyranoak

...but finally did, here is the advice I wished I had followed sooner. As always, it's fine to take it or leave it:

"You Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free."

What I did was make the plan first, then I left. What I learned was that for me it was the first step that was hard-- deciding to do it. Actually doing it was easy-- painful, very, very painful, but easy.

Good luck my friend.

Cyranoak

dollydo

It is one thing for her to destroy herself, it's another for you to allow her to destroy you.
She can only do this with your premission.

Addicts do not have relationships, they take hostages.

Please get to some meetings, read all the stickies at the top of this forum and those on the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers.

There is a big wonderful world out there, might be time to let go, get healthy and explore the opportunities that await you.

Sending support and understanding your way.

lost78

Thank you for your words. I have to say I am finding this very very very difficult I have never felt emotional pain like this before. I am just trying to be strong and trying to make me change.

I have to change and take control of my life. I have a job, a home friends family who love me I need to stop feeling so alone and out of control. For years I have been trying to make my dream come through trying to change the person I loved and still do thinking what could I do to make her realise, what could I do to make her stop.

All that goes through my head is the decisions I have made which have been so bad for myself getting me to this point in my life, yet I still feel responsible for her thinking that by me leaving her I am abandoning her. I also think maybe if I had done this sooner it would have saved her.

I don't know I have a lot of guilt and everything flying around at the moment.

Its funny I thought I was coping with this and dealing with it. I thought it wasn't affecting me like this, all the misery of being with an alcoholic just became the norm. When I looked at others on tv chat shows or in life I would think oh its crazy why do you stay, why do you stay with that alcoholic or drug user, or person that beats you but this is exactly like what I have been doing. One day I was fine the next day I woke up sick to my stomach knowing that I cant go on this cant go on.

Now that I told my family she hadn't stopped drinking (they think she has been sober for the last couple of years) and I was lying for her they are all giving me their views and its kind of made me realise that this is what I was doing to her, telling her how I felt about it, how I wanted her to stop how I thought we could have this wonderful life if only she did it.

Now I have people telling me these things to why do I love her, why have I stuck it, how can you put up with it and I realise that other people can talk all they want but in the end its you that has to change, its you that has to want it.

I wanted a life with a woman and I thought I could get it by helping her be the person I wanted her to be, the nurse, the mum, the friend, the lover but in the end I have had to accept that the person who I didn't want her to be the thing that I loath and am disgusted at the addict and the drunk is what she is until she decides to stop and nothing I have said or ever will say will change that.

So now I have to close a chapter of my life saying goodbye to it forever. I have lost my best friend and need to learn how to live my life without her and accept that if she falls completely ends up homeless or dies there is nothing that I can do or could have done about it.

Its easy to see now 9 years ago I was coming in trying to help this person thinking I could save them and in the end it has just destroyed me.

I just hope I have the strength to leave, the strength to lose the guilt, the strength to move on.

And I just hope that she somehow gets the strength to beat her addiction and win her own life back.

gemmarae

Hi Lost

Your post has really touched me as I was in a smiliar situation to you a few months ago. I went a step further married my alcoholic and also had a baby, convinced this would make him stop drinking and put us first (needless to say this did not happen!! and the combination of a newborn baby and an alcoholic is not a good one). My AH was still functioning but it was amazing in the last six months of his drinking how quickly the disease progressed. I like you, looked at my life and could not belive I was living it. I felt sick with fear every holiday/event as my husband would get drunk and I would feel responsible, I was cleaning up after him in every undignified way you can imagine and just carrying on doing it because I could not face the reality of the situation,

I also used to look at other peoples relationship and have opinions on them!! This is common (I now belive since being in alanon, as it helped me stay in denial convincing myself my problems weren't as bad !)

I finally broke down completely one day, came home and left my husband taking our baby daughter with me. I had to turn up at my mums and tell her the truth (noone knew anything as I was a very good enabler!) and everyone thought we were the perfect couple. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. That weekend I stayed with my mum, my heart broken- I had to put my daughter to bed in a travel cot, instead of her in her own bed in her own house, but I could not continue. That weekend my husband went on the biggest binge of his life, he then picked up the phone to AA and has been sober for 4 months .
I would not have got through this without the support of alanon and reading and learning about the disease of alcoholism. i have gone back to my husband (which even though is now sober- is no picnic as this disease has effected both of us in lots of ways), but I am learning day by day to look at my own attitudes and behaviours, to realise I have choices now and to start to build a life for myself, whether or not we stay together, and whether or not he is drinking. Don't get me wrong it is still very very hard, but since getting out of denial and the craziness of active drinking I am slowly starting to come to terms with my own recovery and finding some sort of serenity.

I hope this has helped in some way, if nothing more to show you are not alone. If you have an alanon meeting near to where you live, it may be worth checking it out. I really hope you put the focus on you.

hmbld

Boy, isn't that the truth?

It is incredibly hard to leave, but trust me when I tell you that it is the best thing you can do for yourself.

I spent over 10 years with an alcoholic and subjected my/our kids to his insanity. When you are in it, it is so incredibly hard to see any other life and it seems so impossible to live any other way. Once you finally get out, you look back and wonder why in the world you did not get out sooner.

Save yourself and get back into life.