jsa88

Hi, for the past couple of years I bet there's hardly a weekend gone by where I haven't taken *some* kind of drug - usually uppers like cocaine, speed or mdma. I have dabbled with recreational drug use since I was about 17 (now 23) but this was always very occaisional use reserved for concerts,festivals etc and never extremely heavy use.

I then started going out with a guy who used uppers pretty much every weekend ..When I first met him I didn't really see that it was more than recreational use for him because he wasn't using daily..I just thought he was a fun guy who liked to go a bit crazy on the weekends. As the relationship progressed I started using more and more often and having much heavier nights..I used to be a one or two lines with a few drinks kind of person and was horrified the first time I saw him doing a line of coke...in the morning!!! Now having a morning line to perk myself up after a heavy night seems like nothing which is scary how much my outlook has changed in just a couple of. Years. I started having heavy nights pretty much every weekendwith no preference just whatever I could get my hands on and once I start I find it very hard to stop and will keep going to avoid the inevitable crash for as long as I can.

At the time I didn't think this was a big deal as I was a young student and still achieved a 1st at University and a lot of my friends were doing the same...I always seemed to be the one that struggled most to 'call it a night' though and began having horrific comedowns. The problem was me and my boyfriend both had that natural adddiction potential and had so much fun doing what we were doing it became 'normal' very quickly. However the drugs made everything very 'up' or 'down' and the relationship really volatile. I got to the point where I had finished uni and wanted to stop the drug/party lifestyle and start to build my career. I foolishly thought the only reason I couldn't stop binging on the weekends was because my boyfriend had no self control so I decided I needed to get away from all that.

I ended the relationship but the urge to get trashed every weekend didn't escape me. Because I missed him and felt utterley lost and like I didn't recongise the person I'd become I ended up having even heavier weekends/ 2-3 day sessions with friends (all whilst still holding down a full time job in sales..I have no idea how I do it!!). I became really reckless and seeked escapism whenever I could...I felt like I'd lost all direction in life and things that used to be important no longer interested me. I didn't feel depressed I just didn't feel anything. I'm actually amazed I didn't make myself ill during this time. It got to the point where I was taking speed every day for about a month...at work.

Eventually me and my boyfriend got back together. I felt lost without having someone that understood me and loved me despite knowing the worst things aboout me. I also accepted that its my issue not his..he just introduced me. We were broken up about 8months and just recently got back together. We both want to stop 100% including alcohol as its always the precurser and want to help each other be better people. I appreciate this isn't addiction on the same level as those with serious opiate addictions but its seriously affecting my life and I feel as though I've lost my personality, values and ambitions.

The problem is we've both tried to stay sober and sort our lives out when we were together in the past and intentions are always good on a comedown but after a couple of weeks all the headfuck and misery is literally forgotton and we always fall back to old habits...Usually thinking we can just get a gram and have a few lines but it always results in a full on binge. I think we're both a lot more ready to stop now but some advice on how to avoid temptation would be much appreciated. We have already cut ties with drug friends, deleted dealers nums, planned plenty of gigs and days out to keep busy...we found in the past endless dvd nights in end up feeling like a punishment and we would end up getting drugs out of sheer boredom.

The problem is we both have quite a few work collegues that do uppers on social events so there's always going to be that temptation and when you've been reliant on drugs for confidence, energy, amazing sex etc life can seem a bit dull sober..but I know this will pass as with plenty of exercise we'll hopefully feel better than ever.

I don't even logically understand why I could never just use in moderation...I have no reason to seek escapism. I have an amazing family, never really gone without anything and good education but I've always even from a young age been curious about drugs.

Sorry for the big rant. Any advice or tips on things that have helped you would be much appreciated.

Thanks

keltie

Welcome to SR- you are in the right place. I am like you- no "reason" for my using/drinking to escape, but I believe some of us are just hard-wired that way. I believe it's a disease. Have you tried NA? It's been wonderful for me- lots of great new (non-addicted) friends, great source of support, feeling of community...

There are plenty of people at my NA meetings with spouses/significant others.

HenryKrinkle

Hi jsa. Welcome to the site. I don't have a ton of profound advice for you, but based on the quote above I will say this: If you can't use in moderation now, you probably won't be able to do so in the future. That's the way it is with me, and many other people I know. I'd stop now and save your self the headaches (literally and figuratively) that alcohol and drugs will cause you in the future. I wish I had done that when I was your age.

Just my $0.02.

artsoul

Welcome jsa!

Good for you for deciding to get clean/sober..... One thing is true about those of us who are prone to addiction - we always want more, more, more, so things only get worse unless we stop the cycle.

The support here helped me turn my life around. I went through the boredom phase, too, but now you couldn't pay me to go back there. Life is good....!

jocata

Hi jsa and welcome. This is a great place for support and recovery.

I was one of those that tried just about everything as well and no matter what drug it was, I couldn't do any of it in moderation. That's just the way I was. So I have to stay away completely.

It's hard to do it without support though.

AA is my main support program. There are others as well. You can research them on this website.

You will find that a sober and clean life can be fulfilling and anything but dull. It may not seem like that at first. It does take time, but if you stick with it, you'll see that it's worth it. It's so much easier than chasing that high.

I wish you the best.

God bless.