Can you help me to understand please?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: sheffield, yorkshire
Posts: 4
Can you help me to understand please?
Hi I am new to this forum. My mum is an alcoholic and has been for about 14 years straight. My family and I have tried everything and things came to a head before Christmas when you deviated from her usual bottles of wine to a different drink, upset her system that much that she didn't drink for a couple of days and got admitted to hospital with dt's.
Many of you will have seen people you love with dt's and it is not pleasant.
She has been home and detoxed for 4 weeks and has started drinking again even though she attends some kind of hospital group for alcoholism, she says that they say she is doing well! What is this softly, softly approach? Why do they refer to alcoholism as a disease? I stopped smoking after a 25 year habit by not putting the cigarettes in my mouth, why can she not do the same?
Plus, do alcoholics actually no or care what they are doing to the rest of the family? She laughs about being in hospital and has shown no embarrassment, remorse, nothing. I said to her after a drinking binge new years day, it is me or the booze, your choice and last night I found out that I am not worth more than £3.50 as she went and got her wine. I have had enough. I get panic attacks, and this causes them. I have never had a proper life without her being a black cloud over my head but I am not sure if I have the strength to walk away but she is so emotionless. I am 40 and need a life, I have a right to have one.
Any help and advice appreciated.
Many of you will have seen people you love with dt's and it is not pleasant.
She has been home and detoxed for 4 weeks and has started drinking again even though she attends some kind of hospital group for alcoholism, she says that they say she is doing well! What is this softly, softly approach? Why do they refer to alcoholism as a disease? I stopped smoking after a 25 year habit by not putting the cigarettes in my mouth, why can she not do the same?
Plus, do alcoholics actually no or care what they are doing to the rest of the family? She laughs about being in hospital and has shown no embarrassment, remorse, nothing. I said to her after a drinking binge new years day, it is me or the booze, your choice and last night I found out that I am not worth more than £3.50 as she went and got her wine. I have had enough. I get panic attacks, and this causes them. I have never had a proper life without her being a black cloud over my head but I am not sure if I have the strength to walk away but she is so emotionless. I am 40 and need a life, I have a right to have one.
Any help and advice appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
I'm so sorry you are suffering with this. Many of us have felt that absolute sadness and frustration. I read all the "stickies" at the top of this site...especially the "classic reading"....I read every word there...(and re-visit it frequently) there is a thousand years of insight and understanding there...and I found it extraordinarily helpful. I also started going to Al Anon right away...it is so very helpful to have help, support and understanding with a group of people who understand how you feel. I found the bottom line for me is that I have to be mentally, emotionally and spiritually healed from this damage, in order for me to see my way clear to what to do.
Big hug to you...you are not alone
Big hug to you...you are not alone
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Angelica, Welcome to SR!
Oh boy, do I know how hard it is to realize that for an active alcoholic....nothing and no one is more important than the drink. Someone active in addiction will lie to themselves, and therefore others, about the condition they are in. It is hard not to take their drinking personally.
But it's not personal.
Your mother is not drinking "at" you. She's drinking because she is an alcoholic.
One of the first things I learned here and in the face-to-face meetings of Al-Anon is something called the 3C's:
I did not cause the drinking.
I cannot control the alcoholic.
I cannot cure the alcoholic.
What I can control is me.....I can remove myself from the daily drama and doublespeak of the alcoholic when they are drinking. I can live a happy and peaceful life once more.
Make yourself comfortable here and read all you can. Welcome, again!
HG
Oh boy, do I know how hard it is to realize that for an active alcoholic....nothing and no one is more important than the drink. Someone active in addiction will lie to themselves, and therefore others, about the condition they are in. It is hard not to take their drinking personally.
But it's not personal.
Your mother is not drinking "at" you. She's drinking because she is an alcoholic.
One of the first things I learned here and in the face-to-face meetings of Al-Anon is something called the 3C's:
I did not cause the drinking.
I cannot control the alcoholic.
I cannot cure the alcoholic.
What I can control is me.....I can remove myself from the daily drama and doublespeak of the alcoholic when they are drinking. I can live a happy and peaceful life once more.
Make yourself comfortable here and read all you can. Welcome, again!
HG
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Angelica, welcome to you, glad you are here, please check out the ACOA forum, and the stickies there, I believe that forum will be very beneficial to you, I jump back and forth between both forums.
Also, there are al-anon meetings for ACOA's but they are few and far between, and there is a separate ACOA group that grew out of ala-teen many years ago, you can check out their website. I recently purchased "The Big Red Book" which is the handbook for ACOA, what little I have read has blown me away, how I deal with things today have are directly related to growing up with an alcoholic mother.
In addition I see a counselor, she is helping me implemement boundaries with my mother (the alcoholic) and my father (the enabler) as well as working with me on my lack of self-esteem from physical, verbal, and sexual abuse.
I hope this helps you, if you would like to vent or talk, need a hug or some propping up please let me know.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
Also, there are al-anon meetings for ACOA's but they are few and far between, and there is a separate ACOA group that grew out of ala-teen many years ago, you can check out their website. I recently purchased "The Big Red Book" which is the handbook for ACOA, what little I have read has blown me away, how I deal with things today have are directly related to growing up with an alcoholic mother.
In addition I see a counselor, she is helping me implemement boundaries with my mother (the alcoholic) and my father (the enabler) as well as working with me on my lack of self-esteem from physical, verbal, and sexual abuse.
I hope this helps you, if you would like to vent or talk, need a hug or some propping up please let me know.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: sheffield, yorkshire
Posts: 4
Thankyou all so much for the replies. It is so sad that we have all/are all suffering this. Breaks your heart doesn't it? I shall read more of the stickies to try to figure out if I should wash my hands of this. Enough is enough. Thanks again.
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