Step 1....how do I know how well I have worked a step, and ready to move on?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Twentynine Palms Ca
Posts: 44
Step 1....how do I know how well I have worked a step, and ready to move on?
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
Yes, I accept that no matter what I do or say I cannot control another persons drinking or behavior.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
At this point I have never given this much thought. I would have to say that I recognize this because it is basics of being your own individual person. Just like I make my own decisions, so will other people.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
I fully accept that alcoholism is a disease. However, most days this has no change with how I deal with a drinker. Even though in my rational mind I accept the disease I do not show the compassion or understanding toward the alcoholic like I would to a cancer patient or diabetic.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
I have tried to change others in many ways. From trying to make someone into a more productive person, to trying to control my spouses drinking, to trying to change peoples views to meet my own. I can say that 99% of the time I was meat with someone who just got angry and pushed back. More times than not this led to arguments.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I try to convince another of my views or reasons. Many times I rely on other people to help me get what I want and need. What I believe would work better is to only count on myself to get my needs and wants met.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I feel angry, hurt, unloved, resentful. Most times I respond through anger and irritation toward the alcoholic. Other times I plead and cry, desperately trying to get them to realize how much I am hurting inside.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
I think if I learn to shift my focus away from the alcoholic or anyone else, to myself I would feel more at peace. Maybe it would give me more opportunity to look at myself so I can become a better person.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
Not completely sure how to do that. The only thought I have at the moment would be to accept that others need to solve their own problems. Most times I don't want any one else to solve my problems so why should I expect others to want me to solve theirs?
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
Yes and no. I want to be rid of this pain quickly. However, I don't believe there are many quick fixes in life, especially in this situation.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
I do not feel responsible for anyone but my children and myself. I don't take responsibility for other peoples actions.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
An example is when my husband gets drunk and does stupid things. Another time was when he got in trouble in the Marine Corps and lost rank and pay for our family. I felt so ashamed, it took me a long time to tell my family what was going on.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
The fact that I do not want to live in pain because of the alcoholic. I hope to gain better acceptance of this disease and tools to be able to react or not react to every day situations with my AH.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
Our marriage counselor in the fact that he wants to help me accept that I cannot make my husband or anyone for that matter stop drinking.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
Because I live in chaos every day. I allow the alcoholic to affect my feelings and behaviors and in negative ways.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
Yes. When I do this I get very overwhelmed.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
Yes, I feel that I constantly give to my family and do not take time out to give to myself. I feel good when my life is going smoothly. I anticipate problems every day. No I do not feel more alive at all. I feel such a lack of life when I am in crisis.
How well do I take care of myself?
Not as well as I should at all.
How do I feel when I am alone?
I cherish my alone time.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
I have been in the past.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Yes I trust my own feelings. I know what they are and how I feel. I am very good with managing my feelings except for my anger. This is something that I continue to work on.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
Yes, I accept that no matter what I do or say I cannot control another persons drinking or behavior.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
At this point I have never given this much thought. I would have to say that I recognize this because it is basics of being your own individual person. Just like I make my own decisions, so will other people.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
I fully accept that alcoholism is a disease. However, most days this has no change with how I deal with a drinker. Even though in my rational mind I accept the disease I do not show the compassion or understanding toward the alcoholic like I would to a cancer patient or diabetic.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
I have tried to change others in many ways. From trying to make someone into a more productive person, to trying to control my spouses drinking, to trying to change peoples views to meet my own. I can say that 99% of the time I was meat with someone who just got angry and pushed back. More times than not this led to arguments.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I try to convince another of my views or reasons. Many times I rely on other people to help me get what I want and need. What I believe would work better is to only count on myself to get my needs and wants met.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I feel angry, hurt, unloved, resentful. Most times I respond through anger and irritation toward the alcoholic. Other times I plead and cry, desperately trying to get them to realize how much I am hurting inside.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
I think if I learn to shift my focus away from the alcoholic or anyone else, to myself I would feel more at peace. Maybe it would give me more opportunity to look at myself so I can become a better person.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
Not completely sure how to do that. The only thought I have at the moment would be to accept that others need to solve their own problems. Most times I don't want any one else to solve my problems so why should I expect others to want me to solve theirs?
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
Yes and no. I want to be rid of this pain quickly. However, I don't believe there are many quick fixes in life, especially in this situation.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
I do not feel responsible for anyone but my children and myself. I don't take responsibility for other peoples actions.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
An example is when my husband gets drunk and does stupid things. Another time was when he got in trouble in the Marine Corps and lost rank and pay for our family. I felt so ashamed, it took me a long time to tell my family what was going on.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
The fact that I do not want to live in pain because of the alcoholic. I hope to gain better acceptance of this disease and tools to be able to react or not react to every day situations with my AH.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
Our marriage counselor in the fact that he wants to help me accept that I cannot make my husband or anyone for that matter stop drinking.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
Because I live in chaos every day. I allow the alcoholic to affect my feelings and behaviors and in negative ways.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
Yes. When I do this I get very overwhelmed.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
Yes, I feel that I constantly give to my family and do not take time out to give to myself. I feel good when my life is going smoothly. I anticipate problems every day. No I do not feel more alive at all. I feel such a lack of life when I am in crisis.
How well do I take care of myself?
Not as well as I should at all.
How do I feel when I am alone?
I cherish my alone time.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
I have been in the past.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Yes I trust my own feelings. I know what they are and how I feel. I am very good with managing my feelings except for my anger. This is something that I continue to work on.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
Did you write these questions?
Back when I was in 12-step programs I often had trouble deciding if I had really done a step or not. (For a while I thought I had done steps and then later realized that I was fooling myself.)
Not sure a questionnaire would have completely helped me figure it out....but anything would have helped!
Back when I was in 12-step programs I often had trouble deciding if I had really done a step or not. (For a while I thought I had done steps and then later realized that I was fooling myself.)
Not sure a questionnaire would have completely helped me figure it out....but anything would have helped!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
I have said it before, but I think people need MORE help early on not less. In my experience, sponsors did a lot of tests of willingness early on. I think fewer tests and more talk--maybe even some advice, would be more helpful than waiting for newbies to prove themselves.
I hope you find some one who will get involved in your journey right away.
Good luck.
I hope you find some one who will get involved in your journey right away.
Good luck.
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