Storm before the calm (I hope)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: London, UK
Posts: 24
Storm before the calm (I hope)
New here, though been reading for a while and thought I'd share, a bit.
My ABF has been on a relapse/recovery cycle for the past couple of years. For the last 14 months he's lived with me, ever since he got out of his first rehab stint.
Since then he's been mainly sober, weeks/months go by without incident and then, usually only when I've got to go on a trip, he relapses and I return to chaos and apologies. He always wants to stop but the issue, well one of them, is that he suffers from severe withdrawal and will have seizures if not medically detoxed.
After a good two months, where he was working the steps for the first time, had a strong sponsor and was attending meetings daily, he relapsed hard on Monday, the first time when I've been around. He's been drinking every day since, partly because he knows he can't just stop but I think mainly because he can.
We've just been to see his therapist and hopefully he'll be going into treatment for 8 weeks at some point this week but I left him to go home ahead without me as I had some errands to run. When I got back 2 hours later he was passed out on the sofa. He's denied that he's drank anything other than some lager to take the edge off but he's acting like he's downed a fifth.
I went to my first al-anon meeting this week, wish I'd gone sooner, and will go again but right now I feel pretty alone. I've not yet called his mum to tell her the situation, or his EXW so that the kids know why he's not around for the next two months.
I also feel a bit relieved because the 8 week period will mean I get some space, peace and stability. It also covers the 4 day trip I have in february. I feel guilty because when I worked out the dates, my first reaction was to ask if he could do longer so that I know he'll still be in when I do a week long trip at the end of March.
Just venting, thanks to anyone who reads.
My ABF has been on a relapse/recovery cycle for the past couple of years. For the last 14 months he's lived with me, ever since he got out of his first rehab stint.
Since then he's been mainly sober, weeks/months go by without incident and then, usually only when I've got to go on a trip, he relapses and I return to chaos and apologies. He always wants to stop but the issue, well one of them, is that he suffers from severe withdrawal and will have seizures if not medically detoxed.
After a good two months, where he was working the steps for the first time, had a strong sponsor and was attending meetings daily, he relapsed hard on Monday, the first time when I've been around. He's been drinking every day since, partly because he knows he can't just stop but I think mainly because he can.
We've just been to see his therapist and hopefully he'll be going into treatment for 8 weeks at some point this week but I left him to go home ahead without me as I had some errands to run. When I got back 2 hours later he was passed out on the sofa. He's denied that he's drank anything other than some lager to take the edge off but he's acting like he's downed a fifth.
I went to my first al-anon meeting this week, wish I'd gone sooner, and will go again but right now I feel pretty alone. I've not yet called his mum to tell her the situation, or his EXW so that the kids know why he's not around for the next two months.
I also feel a bit relieved because the 8 week period will mean I get some space, peace and stability. It also covers the 4 day trip I have in february. I feel guilty because when I worked out the dates, my first reaction was to ask if he could do longer so that I know he'll still be in when I do a week long trip at the end of March.
Just venting, thanks to anyone who reads.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the family GoatGirl!
I saw your first post, and am thankful you took the time to start a new thread to introduce yourself to the rest of the family! Please continue to read and post as much as needed. We are here to support you.
And: Good on you for starting Alanon meetings! I needed that hour of serenity to get me through the day/week.
You mentioned that you have not yet informed his family about his upcoming rehab. May I ask why would you feel obligated to share this information? He is an adult and is capable of dialing a phone, right?
By detaching from his addiction, you give him the dignity to handle his own affairs. Sometimes that means allowing him to make mistakes and pay the consequences.
I know it took me by surprise when I realized how much I was enabling my husband's addiction through behaviors like paying his bills for him, calling and making appointments for him, telling his family how we were doing, cleaning up his messes and general mothering of a grown man.
I will share a link that contains steps that really helped me regain control of my own precious life:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I saw your first post, and am thankful you took the time to start a new thread to introduce yourself to the rest of the family! Please continue to read and post as much as needed. We are here to support you.
And: Good on you for starting Alanon meetings! I needed that hour of serenity to get me through the day/week.
You mentioned that you have not yet informed his family about his upcoming rehab. May I ask why would you feel obligated to share this information? He is an adult and is capable of dialing a phone, right?
By detaching from his addiction, you give him the dignity to handle his own affairs. Sometimes that means allowing him to make mistakes and pay the consequences.
I know it took me by surprise when I realized how much I was enabling my husband's addiction through behaviors like paying his bills for him, calling and making appointments for him, telling his family how we were doing, cleaning up his messes and general mothering of a grown man.
I will share a link that contains steps that really helped me regain control of my own precious life:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: London, UK
Posts: 24
Thank you! I know I've enabled him, picking up bills, running to rescue him from his home town when he relapsed. I'm only just starting to realise how I've helped.
But it didn't even cross my mind until I read your words that I shouldn't call his mum, or ex. He said today he was going to call his oldest son who is in college, and I was surprised, pleased but surprised. I need to keep working on my detachment and I won't be calling his mum or anyone else.
thanks for the link too - I'd actually just read it, am scouring the board for helpful texts just like that.
But it didn't even cross my mind until I read your words that I shouldn't call his mum, or ex. He said today he was going to call his oldest son who is in college, and I was surprised, pleased but surprised. I need to keep working on my detachment and I won't be calling his mum or anyone else.
thanks for the link too - I'd actually just read it, am scouring the board for helpful texts just like that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Welcome Goatgirl and Protocol53, so glad you have both chosen to join us.
As we are not supposed to give advice here, only tell you what worked for us, I just wanted to say that counseling was a huge help for me, it helps me with my anger and resentment issues and now I am working on self-esteem and boundaries.
My therapist is working with me on taking responsibility for only my own issues, and not letting my alcoholic mother and enabling father suck me into their drama.
Hope you find this site beneficial, it has really helped me.
Anytime you need to vent or talk, need a hug or a propping up let us know, and come back often, we want to know how you are doing, that you are safe, that you are taking care of yourself, etc.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
As we are not supposed to give advice here, only tell you what worked for us, I just wanted to say that counseling was a huge help for me, it helps me with my anger and resentment issues and now I am working on self-esteem and boundaries.
My therapist is working with me on taking responsibility for only my own issues, and not letting my alcoholic mother and enabling father suck me into their drama.
Hope you find this site beneficial, it has really helped me.
Anytime you need to vent or talk, need a hug or a propping up let us know, and come back often, we want to know how you are doing, that you are safe, that you are taking care of yourself, etc.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
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