Do you tell your friends?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Red Bank
Posts: 78
Do you tell your friends?
Do you tell your friends your situation and troubles with your addicted child?
I live in an over-55 community and everybody knows everybody else's business. I have one friend here that I would like to tell my troubles to but I am afraid that if I do(even tho she swears she wouldn't repeat it) that it would be all over the place.
Have you discussed your problems with friends?
I live in an over-55 community and everybody knows everybody else's business. I have one friend here that I would like to tell my troubles to but I am afraid that if I do(even tho she swears she wouldn't repeat it) that it would be all over the place.
Have you discussed your problems with friends?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
There was a time that I thought my daughter and her drug addition were my problems. Her life was not turning out like I imagined it should. Looking back, I now realize that my reaction to what I did not control was my real problem. The more emphasis I put on her and her addiction, the less attention I paid to those things within my control. Rather convenient, eh.
This transition in my thinking was not achieved overnight and eventually compelled me to seek professional help. I found this forum to be of tremendeous value in understanding my own issues.
This transition in my thinking was not achieved overnight and eventually compelled me to seek professional help. I found this forum to be of tremendeous value in understanding my own issues.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 151
No I have not told anyone outside of the online forums or the family meetings we attend at my son's half way house.
Though this journey for my son and his addiction took along time to get to this recovery stage, the process leading to now has been since October. I felt/feel so alone
I carry my weight of not sharing any info with friends and family. I now sadly feel "what friends, what family??" since everything feels fake when I speak to them. My Mom will call and say How is your day going? I respond Oh great, I did this that and whatever. Inside I feel shallow and empty as it is not great. Friends, I feel I have no friends, friends share stuff. Then I tell myself when my son becomes the man he was meant to be whatever that is but without drugs, I will be the proudest Mom in the world. Prouder then if he had spent the last few years working and attaining his degree.....Yet I will not be able to tell anyone even then.
Ok yes I know these are my issues to deal with.
Though this journey for my son and his addiction took along time to get to this recovery stage, the process leading to now has been since October. I felt/feel so alone
I carry my weight of not sharing any info with friends and family. I now sadly feel "what friends, what family??" since everything feels fake when I speak to them. My Mom will call and say How is your day going? I respond Oh great, I did this that and whatever. Inside I feel shallow and empty as it is not great. Friends, I feel I have no friends, friends share stuff. Then I tell myself when my son becomes the man he was meant to be whatever that is but without drugs, I will be the proudest Mom in the world. Prouder then if he had spent the last few years working and attaining his degree.....Yet I will not be able to tell anyone even then.Ok yes I know these are my issues to deal with.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: St. Louis, Mo. USA
Posts: 265
I share my stories with everyone ! All my friends, and all my co workers, even to the stranger that asks hows life treating me. You would be suppressed at how manny will come back to you and seek advice to there Addict. Addiction has touched every family in one way or another and we will never stop it by keeping it a family secrete. We have to share our stories in order to help one another.
We must talk openly about this disease in order to fight the war on drugs !!!
We must talk openly about this disease in order to fight the war on drugs !!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 151
TMZ I feel kinda like what you said. Yet everything I have read says my Son's addiciton is his, not mine. It is not my place to tell anyone, it is his if someday he wishes to share. This caused me many hours of thought since I felt I should share to help give a reason a to WHY he was not at Grandma's for Xmas eve, WHY he has not called anyone in ages. I did not, I carried it inside me
I don't know, I am learning each day as this goes on. I have come to a bit of a place that each case is different for each family and what works for each is the best for them.
I don't know, I am learning each day as this goes on. I have come to a bit of a place that each case is different for each family and what works for each is the best for them.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: St. Louis, Mo. USA
Posts: 265
ctg492,
yes your son's addiction is his own problem, that is for him to deal with.
But the addiction has touched and affected my life thus I must deal with it now also.
I choose to share to help those that are hiding and seeking answers. I don't have all the answers, no one does. But we all must put it out there for everyone to find the help and answers we all need. We keep it quiet and privet out of embarrassment. It is a disease like any other disease ( high blood pressure, diabetes, cancer, etc..) and needs to be discussed in order to find some answers.
My AS knows I talk about it openly and this Christmas he even stepped in and offered his story to my brother-inlaw witch is now dealing with a new addict himself. We need to share to also protect the rest of them from the affects of the addict.
In my open sharing I have also helped a few Addicts see what harm it causes to the family and family members, They have since gone to NA and have began recovery.
yes your son's addiction is his own problem, that is for him to deal with.
But the addiction has touched and affected my life thus I must deal with it now also.
I choose to share to help those that are hiding and seeking answers. I don't have all the answers, no one does. But we all must put it out there for everyone to find the help and answers we all need. We keep it quiet and privet out of embarrassment. It is a disease like any other disease ( high blood pressure, diabetes, cancer, etc..) and needs to be discussed in order to find some answers.
My AS knows I talk about it openly and this Christmas he even stepped in and offered his story to my brother-inlaw witch is now dealing with a new addict himself. We need to share to also protect the rest of them from the affects of the addict.
In my open sharing I have also helped a few Addicts see what harm it causes to the family and family members, They have since gone to NA and have began recovery.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
I have opened up to some of my coworkers and close friends. It makes a ton of difference when we have a "rough day" and can get some support and understanding from those we see every day of our life. Before I told them I used to feel so exhausted trying to "fake" a good mood.
People don't judge us , we do that enough for everyone right? The guilt is a lie, but as a parent I know I believed this was all my fault until I found this site and learned that I am not unique nor is my son. This is the pattern of living/dealing with an addict. Many people are just like me, and no shame in sharing. Strength is in numbers and agreement.
People don't judge us , we do that enough for everyone right? The guilt is a lie, but as a parent I know I believed this was all my fault until I found this site and learned that I am not unique nor is my son. This is the pattern of living/dealing with an addict. Many people are just like me, and no shame in sharing. Strength is in numbers and agreement.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I share my story, not my daughters, with others when I'm asked specifically and respectfully. I wait for the question.
I still have not shared my story with my mom, though RAD informed her a little over a year ago (she didn't share her story, either). My mom is a drug and alcohol abuse counselor, so you'd think we could talk to her about all of it, right? Well, she's a classic control freak codie with family, and we had a toxic relationship for years. She's recently begun to address changing her codie behaviors and now I'm able share a few things I've learned on this journey. So far, so good, and it helps us all that we live hundred of miles apart.
One of my SIL's has a masters degree and this is her specialty; none of us have shared anything with her. While she's a good woman, we're too close and know too much about each other.
They are both professionals, but neither have demonstrated the recovery that I want and need.
I don't see it as secrecy, I see it as self care
I still have not shared my story with my mom, though RAD informed her a little over a year ago (she didn't share her story, either). My mom is a drug and alcohol abuse counselor, so you'd think we could talk to her about all of it, right? Well, she's a classic control freak codie with family, and we had a toxic relationship for years. She's recently begun to address changing her codie behaviors and now I'm able share a few things I've learned on this journey. So far, so good, and it helps us all that we live hundred of miles apart.
One of my SIL's has a masters degree and this is her specialty; none of us have shared anything with her. While she's a good woman, we're too close and know too much about each other.
They are both professionals, but neither have demonstrated the recovery that I want and need.
I don't see it as secrecy, I see it as self care
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 115
I posted the below here in the past when this came up . . . copied and pasted because it is a topic I feel compelled to share about because I did a full 180!:
I went for several of painful years being very embarassed of my sister's addiction and I didn't tell anyone about it. Other than family, I pretty much discussed it with no one. Not even my boyfriend. The reasons were those I am sure many of us have felt -- embarassed, not sure how people will react, not wanting me, my sister, or my family to be judged, etc.
One day 7ish years ago a coworker who I barely knew at all mentioned that her brother was an addict. It was a revelation -- this educated, competant, professional woman very comfortably talking about addiction in her family. I felt so relieved to be able to share my own experience with her knowing that she would understand and would not judge. She was much further along in her own recovery than I could ever imagine being -- she introduced me to the idea of meetings, codependency, etc.
I share now because to this day I am so grateful that she shared with me and for the first time gave me the opportunity to open up and introduced me to the idea that there was support out there, and hope for me I also share because I know that addiction happens to amazing people, from amazing families, and it touches hundreds of thousands of people. I am not doing service to anyone by treating it like a dirty secret. I am shocked by how many people, when they learn about my sister, then feel comfortable sharing with me about addicts in their own lives, or their own hx of addiction.
Does everyone relate? No, of course not! Is everyone supportive? No, but my experience is the vast majority of people are. And those in my life who aren't, who judge or just generally suck about it, well that gives me more understanding of them and I let it go. So many people will encounter addiction in someone they care about at some point in their lives, and even those people who judge now may someday also feel a little less alone remembering that they once knew a regular-old-person who had a regular-old-sister who was an addict.
My sister knew/knows I am honest about it, and she is too. My mom, less so but she is coming around. It is what it is -- shame and silence never got me anywhere, whereas I found and gave support in places I never thought I would once I started being honest. Just my experience; I will say I have a thicker skin and bigger mouth than some, so that has probably helped me when there have been people that were crappy about it
I went for several of painful years being very embarassed of my sister's addiction and I didn't tell anyone about it. Other than family, I pretty much discussed it with no one. Not even my boyfriend. The reasons were those I am sure many of us have felt -- embarassed, not sure how people will react, not wanting me, my sister, or my family to be judged, etc.
One day 7ish years ago a coworker who I barely knew at all mentioned that her brother was an addict. It was a revelation -- this educated, competant, professional woman very comfortably talking about addiction in her family. I felt so relieved to be able to share my own experience with her knowing that she would understand and would not judge. She was much further along in her own recovery than I could ever imagine being -- she introduced me to the idea of meetings, codependency, etc.
I share now because to this day I am so grateful that she shared with me and for the first time gave me the opportunity to open up and introduced me to the idea that there was support out there, and hope for me I also share because I know that addiction happens to amazing people, from amazing families, and it touches hundreds of thousands of people. I am not doing service to anyone by treating it like a dirty secret. I am shocked by how many people, when they learn about my sister, then feel comfortable sharing with me about addicts in their own lives, or their own hx of addiction.
Does everyone relate? No, of course not! Is everyone supportive? No, but my experience is the vast majority of people are. And those in my life who aren't, who judge or just generally suck about it, well that gives me more understanding of them and I let it go. So many people will encounter addiction in someone they care about at some point in their lives, and even those people who judge now may someday also feel a little less alone remembering that they once knew a regular-old-person who had a regular-old-sister who was an addict.
My sister knew/knows I am honest about it, and she is too. My mom, less so but she is coming around. It is what it is -- shame and silence never got me anywhere, whereas I found and gave support in places I never thought I would once I started being honest. Just my experience; I will say I have a thicker skin and bigger mouth than some, so that has probably helped me when there have been people that were crappy about it
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 213
I have only told one family memeber that i trust and thats just so i can get some things out in terms of the stress that i am going through , other than that no, sometimes i feel so weighted down but what holds me back is the fact that although my sons addiction is affecting all of the family I dont think telling people about HIS problem is my place to do, if thats understandable, i find these forums a great place to let my troubles
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: fl
Posts: 37
TMZ I like you tell my story.. I feel if me telling people and it can help 1 person then its worth it to me. I am not ashamed that my daughter is an addict. maybe not the right word to use but you know what I mean. That is her addiction not mine but how it effects me and my life is mine.. I choose to share, not for sympathy or wanting people to feel sorry for me it just helps me to deal with it.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I too try to stick to "my" story and leave my son's alone...and I am selective with whom I share.
I share in meetings and here, openly and honestly, and with a few select friends who truly do understand.
For others, at work or neighbours for example, I keep it tight. When asked "Do you have children?" or "Where is your son?", I answer simply yes, and that he struggles with addiction and we haven't seen him in some time". I won't go past that. If they ask for details I simply state that I don't like to talk about it or that it's too painful to discuss.
I don't lie, but I don't always tell as much as they might want to hear.
Earlier in my recovery I made some bad choices about the people I would share with, I learned better and today I do better.
I am not ashamed of my life, I am just private about it.
Hugs
I share in meetings and here, openly and honestly, and with a few select friends who truly do understand.
For others, at work or neighbours for example, I keep it tight. When asked "Do you have children?" or "Where is your son?", I answer simply yes, and that he struggles with addiction and we haven't seen him in some time". I won't go past that. If they ask for details I simply state that I don't like to talk about it or that it's too painful to discuss.
I don't lie, but I don't always tell as much as they might want to hear.
Earlier in my recovery I made some bad choices about the people I would share with, I learned better and today I do better.
I am not ashamed of my life, I am just private about it.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 151
SO this has been on my mind and I remembered this post. I see it had been since mid January when I guess I was then thinking of it also. Knowing I have not been in this situation as long as many here, it somehow feels that October when my son OD was a life time ago. Is that good or bad I wonder? He has come so far and I have come so very far in my life and great deal to thank for this board along with the family classes and way to much reading.
Anyhow I never told anyone, husband and other son are the only ones. The questions of 'where is he' , 'what is he doing' by the grandparents have stopped. I must be a good at bending the truth saying he is living with some fellows out of the area, doing temp work. Then I got an email from a dear friend, the only one who knew about an incident with drugs/son a few years ago. Only because she saw the police and the incident happen. She then confided in me what happened to her and her sons in the 70's (she is much older then I and her kids are grown wonderful men). She told me how to get through the situation and was so wonderful. There was very little talk about it and never again was it brought up. The email asked about my holiday and family. For some reason at that given second I was tired of saying everything was just perfect and I explained the situation. I wrote and told her how everything was. I felt better at that second. Now I feel even more isolated from friends and family when it comes to personal things. SHe never responded not a "sorry" or "my thoughts are with you"...nothing. I understand after all it is heavy. No harm done as she lives far away and we have no mutual friends and she is very private and does not gossip. But I now feel she is just a distant acquaintance alas like everyone and family I know now. Life is just perfect, no problems and everyone is fine is my standard answer to everyone.
So lesson learned that I already really knew.
Anyhow I never told anyone, husband and other son are the only ones. The questions of 'where is he' , 'what is he doing' by the grandparents have stopped. I must be a good at bending the truth saying he is living with some fellows out of the area, doing temp work. Then I got an email from a dear friend, the only one who knew about an incident with drugs/son a few years ago. Only because she saw the police and the incident happen. She then confided in me what happened to her and her sons in the 70's (she is much older then I and her kids are grown wonderful men). She told me how to get through the situation and was so wonderful. There was very little talk about it and never again was it brought up. The email asked about my holiday and family. For some reason at that given second I was tired of saying everything was just perfect and I explained the situation. I wrote and told her how everything was. I felt better at that second. Now I feel even more isolated from friends and family when it comes to personal things. SHe never responded
not a "sorry" or "my thoughts are with you"...nothing. I understand after all it is heavy. No harm done as she lives far away and we have no mutual friends and she is very private and does not gossip. But I now feel she is just a distant acquaintance alas like everyone and family I know now. Life is just perfect, no problems and everyone is fine is my standard answer to everyone.So lesson learned that I already really knew.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 18
For years I hid my husbands addictions from friends and family. But of course close ones knew something was wrong. I was embarrassed and felt like I needed to put on a show of norlmacy. Turns out that was even lonelier than living with the addict, even more isolating. I decided I needed support from
Everywhere I could get it and he was the addict, not me, I shouldn't have to hide. So I started telling people when I felt like it. It's helped me a lot.
However all that said, this time when he relapsed I waited (for some reason) tO tell everyone because he had been on the wagon for so long I was afraid to face them. But I did.
Everywhere I could get it and he was the addict, not me, I shouldn't have to hide. So I started telling people when I felt like it. It's helped me a lot.
However all that said, this time when he relapsed I waited (for some reason) tO tell everyone because he had been on the wagon for so long I was afraid to face them. But I did.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 119
My friends and family are frankly tired of hearing about AH, addiction, health problems and all. I tell no one except my therapist, here and in my nar-anon meetings what is really going on.
When people ask me how he's doing, I say he has his ups and downs and that's about it. I don't need pity from anyone about this situation.
When people ask me how he's doing, I say he has his ups and downs and that's about it. I don't need pity from anyone about this situation.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
I never ever used to tell a soul anything.
And then I read that we are only as sick as our secrets. And that really made an impact on my thinking.
Now I am open if the topic comes up....and I am amazed at how far reaching the tentacles of addiction really are. I honestly cannot think of one person where somewhere.....addiction isn't present in their family. Might not be their immediate family...but when it is...I can see relief in their eyes when they have someone to open up to.
And you can see exactly where they are in the process. Denial, making excuses...etc. etc. I always adjust my input to where they are in the process.
And I always say a little prayer for them...and a thankful prayer for my own progress.
Anyone who judges...I just figure they are doing it out of narrow minded ignorance.
And then I read that we are only as sick as our secrets. And that really made an impact on my thinking.
Now I am open if the topic comes up....and I am amazed at how far reaching the tentacles of addiction really are. I honestly cannot think of one person where somewhere.....addiction isn't present in their family. Might not be their immediate family...but when it is...I can see relief in their eyes when they have someone to open up to.
And you can see exactly where they are in the process. Denial, making excuses...etc. etc. I always adjust my input to where they are in the process.
And I always say a little prayer for them...and a thankful prayer for my own progress.
Anyone who judges...I just figure they are doing it out of narrow minded ignorance.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
Be careful about sharing. My son has been addict so long. I know that everyone knows, but i talk about it with my sister and one friend. Everyone has to know since there have been so many arrests in a small town - one which involved more than a dozen police cars and the blast of tear gas. I still don't like to talk about it.
When this happened, two neighbors actually sent a gift to me - flowers and some bath goodies. Another just e-mailed "love you guys". They didn't prod. Some of the neighbors I felt closest to didn't respond at all. Guess it's awkward for them, too.
If other family or friends ask how "B" is doing, I just say, "Oh, he's just being himself".
I have been tempted to write one of those "braggy" Christmas letters about how proud I was when son made trustee, passed a drug test, got his license back only to lose them again, survived the motorcycle wreck and the MRSA, not really any symptoms of the Hep C, finally got on food stamps, approved for disability and on and on. But then, I don't like to brag, so I've resisted the temptation.
Just do what you're comfortable doing and don't worry about the other folks. I still somewhat a sense of loyalty to AS and don't feel right bad-mouthing him to anyone.
Just guard your words and your heart.
When this happened, two neighbors actually sent a gift to me - flowers and some bath goodies. Another just e-mailed "love you guys". They didn't prod. Some of the neighbors I felt closest to didn't respond at all. Guess it's awkward for them, too.
If other family or friends ask how "B" is doing, I just say, "Oh, he's just being himself".
I have been tempted to write one of those "braggy" Christmas letters about how proud I was when son made trustee, passed a drug test, got his license back only to lose them again, survived the motorcycle wreck and the MRSA, not really any symptoms of the Hep C, finally got on food stamps, approved for disability and on and on. But then, I don't like to brag, so I've resisted the temptation.
Just do what you're comfortable doing and don't worry about the other folks. I still somewhat a sense of loyalty to AS and don't feel right bad-mouthing him to anyone.
Just guard your words and your heart.
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
I am like you TMZ. I discuss my son like I would discuss any other problem. I don't badmouth my AS. In the beginning I was embarrased about it, but as I got better, my shame went away.
I agree that there are so many people who have family members who struggle with addictions and they are only too happy to have someone to talk to. I have also had friends who later on had children with drug problems who phones me and know they can discuss it with me.
I have found that some people are judgmental, but I see that as their problem and not mine.
Lately I have become a bit more quiet as I have an almost 16-year old son and I don't want him to have to explain anything to his friends or teachers.
I don't see it as a stigma. Addiction can happen to anyone and at any level of society. I think our silence make the addiction problem in society seem much smaller than it is. It is a huge problem and I feel the size of the problem needs to be out in the open.
I agree that there are so many people who have family members who struggle with addictions and they are only too happy to have someone to talk to. I have also had friends who later on had children with drug problems who phones me and know they can discuss it with me.
I have found that some people are judgmental, but I see that as their problem and not mine.
Lately I have become a bit more quiet as I have an almost 16-year old son and I don't want him to have to explain anything to his friends or teachers.
I don't see it as a stigma. Addiction can happen to anyone and at any level of society. I think our silence make the addiction problem in society seem much smaller than it is. It is a huge problem and I feel the size of the problem needs to be out in the open.
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