Plath

As someone who is still new to ACA, the idea of actually being able to know, in greater depth, what my triggers are and how to cope with them, is still fairly new to me.

I have noticed, now that I am married and have an 8 month old son (who I do not want to grow up being at the mercy of my trigger issues) that there are certain triggers that really set me off on the defense, and I have absolutely no idea how to cope with them.

I haven't read the big red book from cover to cover or anything, I'm kind of perusing it right now, and looking for the things that I feel are immediately relevant to me...the steps, PTSD, etc., but I couldn't find anything in the index for "triggers".

One major trigger that has been running my life lately is that I NEED to feel listened to and heard, and that my feelings are acknowledged. In the absence of that acknowledgment, I become immediately defensive, insistent, childish, and absolutely relentless.
In my marriage, this is very destructive, as my husband (who is also an ACoA, but is mostly in denial) also has triggers that match up with mine like a stupid, infuriating dance.

When I have something I want to talk about that he doesn't want to hear or talk about, he tunes me out...and I become more insistent, and then I turn into my mother.
I become a verbal bully, relentless, nasty, and just full of hate. This further spurs my husband to either want to tune me out more, or we get into a blow-out argument.

If I feel these feelings in a work environment, I become defensive, resentful, and usually end up quitting or getting fired.
Even since I started attending other 12 step meetings years ago, I still have a horrible work history. I have been a hard and dedicated worker for a few places, but I have nothing to show for it as far as professional references go, because I have always left on bad terms.

Needless to say, I was not allowed to have a voice as a child, or to speak my feelings. If I did, I was punished, usually involving some sort of vicious ridicule in addition to the punishment.

This is only one of my triggers, of course. Others include feeling pressured to do things I don't want to do, which immediately puts me on the defense, and I become angry. Likewise, if I feel or sense any perceived rejection or lack of approval. Immediate defensiveness, anger, and often outright hostility, even though at least some of the time I'm totally imagining the whole scenario.

How do you all cope with your triggers, and try to keep them from running your lives?

I'm sorry for the long post, but I'm feeling the trigger tonight, as it's been really tense in our household for the past few months, and I would like to be more constructive about how I handle the issues that I face.

Much thanks.

DesertEyes

Ah yes, triggers. Nasty little things, aren't they?

What I have learned is that "triggers" are the most valuable, most useful, and most powerful "tool" I have with which to build a happy, healthy life for myself.

Have you ever seen one of those action movies where the hero is flying a super-duper airplane that catches fire? (or the bad guy is shooting a missile, or a giant moster is going to crunch it, etc) And there is this big red light flashing in the hero's face saying "Eject, Eject, Eject". There is also this huge button that says "Eject" in great big letters, but the hero is too stupid to punch the button and get the heck out of there.

If the hero would just punch the button these super-powerful rockets would shoot him out of the super-duper airplane and into the arms of the grateful heroine.

Totally foolish hollywood drivel, but the concept is what helped me understand triggers. What happens to me is that my life as a child was like that super-duper airplane. It was _always_ in danger of physical or emotional violence from the adults in my world. The difference is that in _my_ life the "Eject" light does _not_ flash a warning to the pilot (who is _me_ in my version of the movie ). The light is wired directly to the button.

Which results in me getting ejected out of the airplane without ever knowing that the "Eject" light was going to start flashing.

And so I find myself hanging from this pretty parachute out in the middle of the sky with a look of confusion on my face wondering "What happened?"

My problem is that the "triggers" in my mind are wired directly to my "defenses" without giving me the opportunity to evaluate the situation and make a decision.



I have found that a "trigger" is really a form of "radar" that warns me of danger before it arrives. There have been many times when I have been talking to co-worker, or a boss, or a doctor, when I have felt that "unease". That "funny feeling" way back in the corners of my mind. Something is just not right. I cannot tell you _what_ is not right. Cannot tell you if it's the words, or the body language, or what. I just have this "feeling".

That is my "trigger". Having been a child in an extremely dangerous environment I have developed the most exquisitley tuned reflexes that are for more sensitive to danger than even that super-duper airplane. I _know_ when an adult is lying. Even before that adult has even _thought_ of lying.

What I had to do was _keep_ the triggers, as they are the best radar in the world, but simply disconnect that obnoxious wire from the trigger to the "attack missiles". My problem is having the "attack" happening without my consciously choosing to attack.

Separating the trigger from the attack is no different than any other "healing" in my recovery. I do it little by little, one step at a time. I start by writing down the specific occasions when the trigger happens ( kind of like a 4th step, but focused on just the one trigger ). I write down what memories the trigger brings up, how I felt, and how I reacted. I write down how my reaction would protect me, and how that reaction _fails_ to protect me when used in the wrong situations.

Then I make it a point to be aware of that one particular trigger. Not all of them. Just one. And when it happens then notice what I am doint. _not_ try to stop it. Just notice. Then go home and write about that one situation.

I did that many times, and what happened is that I was able to notice the trigger _sooner_. The more I wrote the sooner I would spot the trigger.

And one fine day I noticed the trigger right _before_ it happened. And I was able to keep my mouth shut and just observe, without actually going into attack mode.

Ok, so the trigger did not disapear with just that one time I was able to keep my mouth shut. It took a lot more practice than that, but little by little I was able to stop myself _before_ the trigger fired the defenses. Which allowed me to _decide_ if I want to fire, or just walk away.

Today those triggers have not changed at all. I still feel them exactly as I always have. The difference is that _I_ am in control of the triggers, instead of the other way around. They have been a huge help in managing my way thru life, dealing with bosses, co-workers, and all the people I come across in the business of daily life. Today I can _avoid_ situations thanx to that "radar", and very, very rarely need to fire the defenses.

Mike

ACOAHappyNow

I think it's a normal human need to be heard and acknowledged and to have your feelings acknowledged!

It's normal to need emotional support and to seek it.

Sometimes, though, we have to remember that we won't get a gourmet meal from a can of dog food. That's what I tell myself anyway.

Some people are just so closed off, due to their own issues, or other stresses in their lives, that they can not or will not give us the emotional support we truly do need. We humans are social animals, we really do need that emotional support!

So that's a bad situation, seeking support from people who can't give it to us.

On the other hand, places like this and face-to-face groups, provide (I think) a marvelous support system and a great way to be heard and have our feelings validated and help with working through our feelings!

I'm so glad you are here because I think this place and these wonderful people will help supply the support you deserve and need, and I think your life will become better and more happy as a result!

I hope for good things for you!

m1k3

My issue with needing validation was due to very low self esteem. I did not trust myself to do it right, to have the correct answer or the skills to handle the situation. Even when I did it right I needed someone to validate it or it wasn't real.

It came down to the fact that I had a huge hole in myself that I was trying to get other people to fill for me. It was never enough. No matter what anyone said that was good I knew I didn't really deserve it.

Finally through working my program in Al-Anon and now in ACA I am finally filling that hole with my self. I am learning to trust my higher power or my inner wisdom or what ever you want to call it. When I do that I do the next right thing and I don't need anyone's validation.

There are lots of tools out there to help you with this. I recommend either ACA or Al-anon. I use both because I am dealing with issues from being married to an alcoholic and being raised by one. They look at the issues differently but I have found for me using both is the best answer.

Your friend,

Kialua

I didn't catch your age, but I've been at this a long time and I have learned a few helps for avoiding my triggers. Mostly I avoided the situation, like the small groups. When I am in small groups I tend to work to the top and be in the administration. Control issues, haha.

Working was the same as you, I was defensive and couldn't "play well" with others, so I ended up in management and then started my own business with a partner. That was the best for me. I finally had to grow and learn to deal with my clients or else.

Another trigger is my family of origin, I can't be around most of them and don't socialize with them, only see them at very limited funerals, etc.

The PTSD I've shared before was and is the hardest to control. When I hear a noise or yell from another room and my husband is angry for some reason my body goes into overdrive and I start to panic with my heart racing. I self talk telling me that he is NOT my AD and nothing is going to happen, everything is fine. It still takes me quite a few minutes and I hate it. But it works out. My husband knows to leave me alone and let me calm down. I used to shout back and get into fights but that was so unfair to him. So I try to treat him as I want to be treated myself.

The other biggest help for me was my HP, Jesus. I learned a lot from reading Joyce Meyer's books. Basically I had to learn to take people at their word whether I believed them or not. And whether they meant it or not. It wasn't my problem if they were lying or trying to manipulate me. I took them at their word and proceeded from there.

This is a life long journey, take your time and be kind to yourself and others.

bluebelle

Plath, Your trigger of arguing with your husband sounds like me last night with my RABF. I felt like he wasn't listening to me, so I kept on repeating myself and talking louder. I think it is really hard for me if I feel like I am not being heard. I spent my childhood trying to stay out of the way. I was quiet and didn't speak up for myself. That changed in early adulthood. I have gotten more outspoken as I've gotten older. It is sometimes hard for me to balance standing up for myself without being obnoxious. Actually, I'm not sure I know how to do it.

I also avoid many of the people in my family of origin because that is a trigger.

When I'm around somebody who triggers me a lot, I try to pray for them. You can laugh if you want. I will go home and repeat, "God bless ......." It is often a boss or supervisor who triggers me.

I agree with Desert Eyes. My triggers are because I had to keep such careful watch all the time as a kid. I can be rather jumpy and sensitive--especially if someone is angry.

Maybe some inner child work would help you? I have found that my inner child is very lonely and scared. Sometimes, it helps when I remind myself that I am an adult and things are not like they were when I was a child. I can stand up for myself, and get out of bad situations. I am not trapped.

It helps me to meditate. I use meditationoasis, and listen to podcasts. They can help me center myself so that I am not overwhelmed by feelings.

Plath

Wow, that really made a lot of sense, Mike. Thank you. As I am in a space right now of being open to looking at my triggers, more and more are becoming apparent to me (almost at an alarming rate, as it does seem overwhelming to look at my behavior and think "oh, @!#?, I have ALL that to work on???!")

The analogy took me a few times to read, haha, but when I understood what you were saying, it made perfect sense. I think I've known this on some level, but one thing that I've noticed about myself is that self-awareness tends to come in stages. First I understand something on a surface, intellectual level, and then it dawns on me a little bit deeper, and then the awareness really starts to sink in, and I'm able to make changes. I think I'm in the middle stage with my ACA triggers.

Kialua, I know what you mean about needing to be in an administrative position. The longest lasting jobs I've had were jobs where I had a lot of responsibility, and was directing others more than being directed, hahah. And even when I do have a supervisor to answer to, I'm constantly seeking their approval, telling them more than I need to about whatever project I'm working on so that I can receive validation and feel "good enough"...and when they are the type of supervisors who don't want to be bothered with details, I feel so outraged and ignored. *sigh*

Bluebelle, I agree that mediation work is really key. Personally, I listen to a lot of mantras and meditative music, as it's very hard for me to turn off the "chatter" in my brain, but easier to do so when it's a mantra or chant, or anything spiritual and musical.

Thank you all so very much for your input.
Like I said, the more I look at my behavior, the more I am seeing clearly how I react and why...and I'm sure that this is just the tip of the iceberg for the work I will be doing, and the feelings that are stirred up.

I've been considering ACA for a while, as I've done some sporadic reading and message board stuff, but last night my husband said something to me that just really stuck, and I knew that I really needed help.

He told me that he's practically paralyzed with fear and apprehension when it comes to talking to me or having a conversation, because it seems like no matter what he says, I have something critical to say, or a point to argue, or a judgment to make.
That is my mother, as well as my step-father, and I have had a lot of white hot hatred for both of them, especially throughout my teenage years and early twenties, for evoking the same feelings in me that my husband described. It was like someone had rang a very large, loud bell over my head, it reverberated so much within me.

And, as my thoughts last night and today have progressed, I've noticed that there is so much of my regular behavior that revolves around my triggers, the ingrained belief that at any moment, anything can be used as a means to attack me, insult me, berate me, etc., that I have tried to control *every* aspect of all activity in my household.

If someone close to me even so much as has different taste in music, style, books, or anything, really, I take it as an offense.

I realized that, growing up, a difference in taste or preference, or opinion, meant a fight or argument to defend what I liked, and that it was always a no-win situation. Even if I pretended to agree eventually, it was still a reason that my mom used to make me feel stupid and embarrassed, and to humiliate me.
So now, I go around trying to make people feel bad for liking different things than the things I like, before they have a chance to make me feel bad first.

Now, at this point, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with all of these realizations, and although more behaviors are becoming noticeable throughout the day (evidently, my life totally and literally revolves around these triggers and issues), I think my brain has had about as much as I can digest for a while.

Thank you all so much again for your helpful and thoughtful responses, and for being here for me to talk openly about my personal triggers and behaviors, and how I would like to change (or at least cope with) them.

Plath

*BUT* In spite of feeling a bit overwhelmed tonight, I am still reaching out to this group for help, and to share any experiences or thoughts that any of you have about coping with triggers and ACA issues.

Thanks again!

micealc

Thanks Everyone for you input about Triggers.

There is so much Stuff I have worked on over the years,
I find too much Information can really set me off as well.

Interacting with others has always been difficult for me.

I say a few Prayers in the Mourning and away I go.

As each day goes by I try to be Reasonable with everyone.

That word "Reasonable" is so Good.

If my wife,co worker,Son,Daughter etc makes depands on me
the first thing I say to myself is ,is this reasonable.

This week end my Son and his Dog are Moving to our house
for awhile.....mabie a long while.
Things needed Doing around the House,so I informed him ....in a Calm Assertive Manner
that .....HE,needed to come to our house prepair a room for himself and Garden for the dog so that Myself or my wife would not be Put out in any way.....He is doing that today.
It will bring changes in our house again.........but I have to be Reasonable...as well as been wellcoming ....so as to avoid conflict,or missunderstanding.

DesertEyes

Yeah, I do that too. I look at the _whole_ mountain of tasks before me and get overwhelmed. Then it was pointed out to me that the program of recovery comes in steps for a reason. I am supposed to start with the first one, finish it properly, and only then start with the next one.

When I started my "ACoA" work I found that overcoming that first "issue" was very difficult, and it seemed to take forever. The next one, however, was much easier. And the next was downright simple. It's like the analogy of the dominos. Nothing moves until I make the _first_ change, and then it all just flows with ease.

Exactly right. There's a "slogan" in recovery to that effect that says "The longest journey is from the mind to the heart".

That is the way I used to be. I thought that when I left my alcoholic parents home I was free of their influence. What I found in ACoA is that I was still _reacting_ to them long after they were gone. I was not free at all. What helped me in that regard is another nugget of ACoA wisdom. We are all born the same, naked and stupid. Everything else we learned along the road of life.

Therefore, if it is a learned behavior, it can be un-learned.

Today, I have learned how to be the person _I_ want to be. Not some reflex to what my parents were. It is a freedom that I never imagined. In fact, I was not _able_ to imagine.

Ok, so I'm not perfect But I am perfectly comfortable with who I am. The minor stuff that still has to be cleaned up in the way of the wreckage of my parent's past is just a bit of dust in the corner that I will get to little by little

Mike

Kialua

My husband went through the very same thing for the very same reason. Now that you are aware of it you can work on it.

It's very much control, we want people to agree with us because if they don't that means they don't like us or we are stupid. But that is the black and white thinking we have to get rid of.

My best friend had a habit of trying to explain things over and over and then trying to come at it from another angel. She would put people in total exhaustion and they still wouldn't agree with her or obey her. We had a talk and I told her that sometimes no matter how right you are someone may still disagree with you and no matter how good or how much you explain they are still going to disagree with you. It's not your job to change their mind and you just might be wrong anyway. They get to think what they want whether you like it or not. Even if they are wrong! If you feel compelled to tell them some "truth" then do it in a polite manner. Then they are responsible for what they do with that truth, not you. She actually took it to heart and changed her behavior and marvels at what freedom it gave her.

Another thing I came along to understand was because of my daughter in her teen years. When I would tell her no, she would go into long diatribes about why she wanted a yes. But the bottom line is sometimes the answer is just NO and you aren't going to like it. That hit ME where I lived and the above mentioned friend as well.

I think it really boils down to needing to be in control because we lived such a chaos childhood, for me anyway.

But don't get overwhelmed, one step at a time. You'll get there.

Plath

Thanks, Kialua.

I can totally identify with explaining the same thing over and over, trying to either get people to change their minds, or something I've noticed a lot--people tend to drift off when I'm talking sometimes (I expect people to just kind of jump in, and for a conversation to go like a game of badminton, but some people sort of "take turns", and if they don't jump in, I just keep talking), and I will keep repeating what I'm saying, even though they've clearly lost interest.

I was talking to my husband about this the other day, and I told him that he should let me know when he's starting to zone out if I'm going on for too long.
He then told me that it's up to me to figure out that someone isn't interested in what I'm saying, and to move on to something else.

I started to debate that idea, and then I was like "oh, yeah...maybe he has a point there". My first thought was that it's not my job to read minds, and that if I'm boring someone or going on for too long, they should say something (if they're close enough to me to do that)...
But then I realized, non ACoA people probably naturally pick up on these signs and move on to something else, rather than repeating themselves over and over again, hahah.

Today, my husband is insistent that he drive 30 miles in a snowstorm (in the Pacific Northwest, snow is kind of insane because it doesn't happen very often and no one knows how to drive in the stuff) to visit family from out of town, and I am feeling fearful. Bad road conditions, or being a passenger in a car are also triggers for me (control again, eh?).
I started out trying to be subtle about not wanting him to go, and as the day has progressed, I am feeling more and more powerless and becoming more insistent.
It seems like such a reasonable fear, but then...I don't really know what reasonable fear is, right?

Kialua

Oh my gosh I can totally relate. I drove cross country with a friend with bad weather all the way! And when I. Say I drove I mean me, the whole way! Control or I was in a complete panic. That was many years ago, and I have to still work at it.

Plath

Thankfully, when he got outside to help his mother (who manages our apartment building) salt the road outside the building, he realized that it wasn't a good idea, so the situation resolved itself.
Hooray! No more anxiety or panic for the day, just a nice snow day with our son, some nachos, and my husband thankful that I'm finally beginning to address some of my behaviors.

Now to settle in and watch The Dark Crystal.

Kialua

I think a game of badminton is a good analogy for having conversations but you can't expect people to just jump in, they do wait for an invitation: I hit the birdie (tell them some info –and always ask their input on what I just said) and then wait for the other person to hit it back. If they don't hit it back, then I tell them it was nice to visit and excuse myself to find someone else to talk to, get something to eat, or go listen to someone else do the talking. If I keep throwing the birdies at them forever without them ever returning one they will end up buried underneath a mountain of all the birdies. It might take some practice to reel it in but you can do it.

Plath

It's funny, some people totally "get" my way of having a conversation, and then others don't...

I find that I'm more inclined to keep repeating myself when it comes to people who have a different way of communicating AND that I'm seeking approval from--like my husband, or my mother in-law, etc. And wow, do I ever sense the subtle disapproval from my mother in-law. It's not overt, or overwhelming, but I'm so tuned in to sensing disapproval that I *notice* it. She had a mother similar to mine, and although she's been through quite a bit of therapy, it can still be a bit competitive.
:/

Normal social interaction on a somewhat superficial level (or even with friends) isn't too difficult for me to manage; I suppose it's the people who are really close in my life that I feel comfortable enough with (or insecure enough around) to just keep going on and on and....

And I see what I'm doing here...I've opened myself up on this thread, allowed people to see my "weaknesses", and feel compelled to say "oh, but wait, I can have normal interactions, too! See, I'm good enough!"

*Sigh...*
I do like the fact that I don't have to be perfect on these forums, and that I have the space to "call myself out" on what I'm doing.

I think it's a wonderful way for me, right now, to kind of monitor my triggers and subsequent behavior patterns, so thanks again!

Kialua

That is interesting that it's only those closest to you. I suppose it might be approval based so working on not needing approval would be key to not needing to carry on so. Seems like you've done a lot or work already to get this far in this post alone. But they say identifying it is half the battle so yay! Good for you!

bluebelle

I think I got my habit of repeating myself from growing up with my addict mom. She was often really zoned out mentally, so she only remembered about 10% of what I said (if that). I'd have conversations with her that she didn't remember at all. I'd tell her something important, and she wouldn't know what I said 15 minutes later. So, I have this tendency to repeat myself. I'm sure it gets annoying for some of the people around me. It's something I'd like to work on.

Plath

Yeah, I am sure that I got my habit of repeating myself from my mom.
Not only does she do it herself (still), but I was just simply not allowed to have a voice growing up, period. So now, I feel that desperate need to be heard, and understood.



My husband zones out on me a lot, as that's unfortunately where our trigger issues really tend to click. His mom and I are a lot alike, and he really learned how to tune her out.

So I find myself in the position you're describing (with my husband, anyway), where I will tell him something either very basic, or important, and he will forget all about it because, I assume, he's not really listening.

Unfortunately, it's so difficult to decipher where my behavior has contributed to that particular scenario, and where it has just become a learned behavior for him.

I think that Kialua has the right idea, that working on the need for approval is key.
But at the same time, this particular scenario between my husband and I can be very detrimental when the "conversation" has to do with our son and his care, as he is just a very young, innocent little bystander who deserves to have parents who can communicate in a healthy manner about his needs and how to address them.



I can change my own behaviors and how I deal with my own triggers, and I can only hope that it will help my husband to change his.

bluebelle

I understand all that you are saying, but am not really sure about a solution. My RABF also knows how to tune me out. It is hard for me to know if he has tuned me out, or if he is actually listening. So, sometimes I ask him if he is listening. If he says, "Yes," I say, "What did I just say."

Maybe, if we made sure they were listening before we said something important? Have them look us in the eye and stop what they are doing. I end up having to remind RABF a lot, but then I look like I'm nagging.