HHTexas

SAH is back on the wagon and appears to be working a program ( meetings, calling sponsor, steps, etc). Tonight when talking about installing new floors, he admitted he sold our miter saw and work table a few months ago when drinking (presumably for beer money). He didn't appear remorseful at all. Just said he figured he should tell me before I found out.

It was a Christmas gift from my parents. What made me especially angry was that he mentioned wanting to sell it a few months ago and I begged him not too.... I guess I'm sentimental. He, on the other hand, isn't. He's pawned a necklace of mine and a guitar I'd given to him in the past, all in the name of booze. I mentioned replacing the saw set and he said"we'll see."

As I type this, it sounds so minor. Just soooooooo angry right now.

Hanna

I'd be angry, too. It's not minor as far as I am concerned, it's a violation and complete lack of respect.

But...lately I'm taking the course of doing nothing when I am not sure if I should do/say something. I'd wait until the anger subsides a bit and then decide if you want to bring it up again or not. If he's really working a program maybe he'll figure it out himself and apologize.

laurie6781

Are you attending Alanon and/or seeing a counselor? They would be very beneficial in helping you face to face. I only ask because many of us here have availed ourselves of this type of help in addition SR and it does help.

As to your situation you are free at anytime at anytime to set your own personal boundaries such as:

1. I will not be around nor live with anyone who is NOT sober and living a program of sobriety.

2. I will not live with anyone who STEALS my property.

etc

Don't get it wrong, what he is doing is STEALING.

etc etc etc

What he is doing is typical ALCOHOLIC LYING, typical ALCOHOLIC AVOIDING, typical ALCOHOLIC EVADING.

It will only get worse. How long has SAH been 'on the wagon' this time? Is SLife AH doing anything other than NOT DRINKING, such as AA, Outpatient, SMART, AVRT, Life Ring, Inpatient, etc Without that type of help to work on the 'ism' of the Alcoholism, I am afraid nothing will turn and his alcoholism will get worse as it is a 'progressive disease'. Check out the 'stickys' at the top of this forum, and read some of the other threads, they can be very helpful.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

This has been going on a long time, and I am going to suggest that it might be time to leave for a your own sanity, serenity and peace of mind.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Seren

It still amazes me how we women just do not like to "rock the boat". We tell ourselves it can't be that bad. Perhaps this does not seem like a big deal to you.....

To me, if someone stole something my parents had given me, even if it was as unromantic as power tools.....

I would call the police! No one, not even my husband, has the right to take any of my belongings and sell them.

I'm sorry that you are going through this, and hope that, through recovery, he finds his way to making amends to you for what he has taken.

Hugs, HG

choublak

Minor according to who? Him?

Taking things, without your knowledge, and pawning them, when they aren't really his belongings to pawn in the first place... Not minor, nor something that should just be brushed aside.

Justfor1

I agree with anvil. People pawning tools for booze doesn't happen all too often. Usually it's for the more expensive illegal drugs. Most alcoholics can come up with the money legally for a cheap 12pack of beer or pint of cheap "rot gut" vodka. Perhaps he thought he was getting a good deal for the tool when he sold it. My family member use to sell rare coins & baseball cards online for hardly nothing when he was on a bender.

nicam

I think the key is to NOT react to this. Now, I am certainly guilty of reacting in situations like these (been in a few of them with XABF), but that doesn't mean it's the healthy thing to do.

Cheoblak or someone started a post not to long ago regarding expectations in these relationships. I know with XABF I expected things to change, for him to stop stealing from me, lying, and everything else. I believed in the fantasy and let things roll off my shoulders because he was "in recovery", had such potential, [insert delusion here]. Surely, things would normalize because he said all the right things. He wanted recovery and change! When his actions were still selfish and cruel despite his words, sobriety, etc., it would cause me to "react" in a certain way that I still haven't gotten control of.

You have to expect the worst in these relationships and accept that this is who you are with, and it's probable he will be like this for the rest of his life to some degree despite recovery (and the odds are slim he will even remain sober). This is what you are signed up for, can you accept and live with that because he may never change? He may not be selling valuable household items to get a booze fix anymore, but chances are the selfishness, lack of empathy, remorse, etc., will remain long after the alcohol is out of the picture.

Willybluedog

Nicam I know you are right, but the urge to take his favorite (fill in the blank) and donate it to goodwill would be very hard for me to resist. I am just kind of a jerk that way when someone takes my stuff.

HH I am sorry for the situation you are in, please come back often and let us know how you are doing.

Best of luck,

Bill

nicam

LMAO! I'd struggle not to take all his crap and burn it in a huge pile on the front lawn.

blwninthewind

my question is ...

why are you allowing an A to make these decisions

if you need the saw set...go replace it.

he is not capable of making good sound decisions right now. Looking to him for guidance is not a sound choice for YOU.

Many of us were raised to let our husbands lead our family. We aren't subserviant but do believe as the head or the family they should make the final decisions...however a recent sermon at church spoke to my heart. The point was made that a good husband adn father always looks out for the good of his family, if that is not being done then he should not hold the power of decision making. It really struck me.
Allowing your AH or even newly RAH decision making power is like handing your debit card to a 5 yr old in a candy store.

I have s-l-o-w-l-y allowed my RAH to participate in decisions...he doesn't like it but until he can exercise good judgement regarding the welfare of his family, making our children a priority...their needs come first...well i don't really care how he feels about it. Someone needs to be in control of what goes on and he is in no position to argue when his choices have been nothing but bad, dangerous and harmful.

missg

I agree with Laurie re: how to describe these behaviors.

He may (or may not) be not drinking but 'working a program' and behaving this way? I think not!!! As for a sponsor, I can't think of one decent one who would recommend this course of behavior so he either a) isn't really using his sponsor for the purpose a sponsor is there for or b) has a lousy one.

Recovery shows up not in the lack of getting drunk but in changed behaviors. "Honesty" is not the act of 'fessing up' but in personal ownership of your behaviors. ie: making it right.

IMHO a drunk who isn't drinking who continues to treat me disrespectfully isn't any an improvement over a drinking one. In fact, I personally find it worse.

missg

I was just thinking as I responded to another post that one of the most valuable lessons I have learned along this journey has been the difference between reacting and responding. There was a time when I simply had no clue that there was a difference,let alone what that difference is.

For me,the legacy of growing up in the unpredictability and chaos of an alcoholic
family was that I became an extremely reactive person. I kind of visualize myself walking through the world like a giant old telephone with really big buttons on it that anyone could push with very little trouble. Not too surprizingly I attracted people who enjoyed this very negative form of 'relating'.

Today I know that when I am reacting I am out of control/trying to control something over which I have no control. I typically react when I am still very emotional about something and the reaction itself is emotionally charged. When I react I am in the dance with the alcoholic and it is a dance that he/she very much enjoys. There is nothing that someone who is out of control enjoys quite so much as people around them being that way too.

Responding is something that comes from stepping back, emotionally detaching and thinking through my choices in a situation. Often it means getting input and ideas from trusted others,as you have done by posting this.
The end result is the increasing ability to say, calmly and simply, what is acceptable to you and what is not and then walk away and let go of the result.

When I react I am giving my power away. When I respond I am centered in my own power. Big difference. During the period when I was learning the difference between the 2,along with getting the set of 'tools' and skills I needed to put it into practice, I found it sometimes better for me to do nothing in situation with A's that were really getting to me. When one is used to reacting, doing nothing is about the toughest thing one can do!!! Choosing not to react, is not automatically implying that a behavior is OK nor is it sticking your head (back?) in the sand. Consciously choosing not to react is a choice.....it is a response.

Anywho.....this can all be a bit confusing at first but once I got it boy oh boy did it ever make all the difference in ALL of my relationships.