nightmares and uncontrollable grief and crying
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 29
nightmares and uncontrollable grief and crying
I've been having nightmares and continuous thoughts about my daughter's impending death. Between escorting, dealing with drug dealers and using needles, one of the aformentioned will kill her. I think it's a matter of months, not yrs. She over does everything. If one person shoots one bag, she shoots four. She's only 18. I can't function, I cry for ten hrs every day, my hair is falling out, I've lost my job. I'm thousands in debt and am nearing homelessness. I have no family or friends to help me emotionally or financially. If she dies, it will kill me, literally. I could surrvive the death of anyone, but not my daughter. This is taking me to a dark place. A place filled with suicidal thoughts.
Been attending Al Anon and they're not what I need. Listening to people read steps from a book provides me absolutely no comfort. How's that going to help me survive her death?
Boyfriends come and go, my parents are worthless and friends can be replaced. My daughter CANNOT be replaced ever! There's no relationship like that between a mother and daughter. I love her more than anything.
Been attending Al Anon and they're not what I need. Listening to people read steps from a book provides me absolutely no comfort. How's that going to help me survive her death?
Boyfriends come and go, my parents are worthless and friends can be replaced. My daughter CANNOT be replaced ever! There's no relationship like that between a mother and daughter. I love her more than anything.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Hey Kitten,
I am so sorry you are going through this, and that your daughter is going through this, too.
I hope you will take a moment to breathe, then make a list of what you need to do to get yourself together and functioning.
Try to not focus on imaginings - we don't know what the outcome will be for our loved ones and there's no good in trying to figure that out (beyond steadying ourselves to deal with the worst thing possible.)
Indeed, it is painful and not what anyone wants for their child, but this information you have is not what defines her as a person. It is the addiction and many many people have been where she is and survived to come out later shining and healthy. The best thing you can do for her now is focus on you and getting yourself back in order.
This is an unusual and very personal thing for me to suggest, but....If you pray, that is what I suggest for those moments when you feel you cannot go on.
My own way of praying is to express my thanks for those things that I have to appreciate and ask for help for those things that I don't understand. It's all that's gotten me through some days. It might sound hard right now to be grateful for anything, but perhaps start with those things you love about your daughter, those moments that have been wonderful with her. I promise it will bring you some peace. I'll be praying for you all, too.
I am so sorry you are going through this, and that your daughter is going through this, too.
I hope you will take a moment to breathe, then make a list of what you need to do to get yourself together and functioning.
Try to not focus on imaginings - we don't know what the outcome will be for our loved ones and there's no good in trying to figure that out (beyond steadying ourselves to deal with the worst thing possible.)
Indeed, it is painful and not what anyone wants for their child, but this information you have is not what defines her as a person. It is the addiction and many many people have been where she is and survived to come out later shining and healthy. The best thing you can do for her now is focus on you and getting yourself back in order.
This is an unusual and very personal thing for me to suggest, but....If you pray, that is what I suggest for those moments when you feel you cannot go on.
My own way of praying is to express my thanks for those things that I have to appreciate and ask for help for those things that I don't understand. It's all that's gotten me through some days. It might sound hard right now to be grateful for anything, but perhaps start with those things you love about your daughter, those moments that have been wonderful with her. I promise it will bring you some peace. I'll be praying for you all, too.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Sounds like you need someone to talk to face to face ASAP - especially if you feel you might harm yourself.
Many counties have a mental health department that can connect you with free or greatly reduced counseling services. I don't know how you are situated geograpically so I don't know if this would be feasible for you. I too have little family or friends to help me. Don't forget about pastors, priests, etc - my first contact when my XAH first went off the deep end was a priest and I am in no way Catholic! But people in those professions know about loss and grief and worry. Even if they can't help you, they may know someone who can.
I will be thinking of you today.
Many counties have a mental health department that can connect you with free or greatly reduced counseling services. I don't know how you are situated geograpically so I don't know if this would be feasible for you. I too have little family or friends to help me. Don't forget about pastors, priests, etc - my first contact when my XAH first went off the deep end was a priest and I am in no way Catholic! But people in those professions know about loss and grief and worry. Even if they can't help you, they may know someone who can.
I will be thinking of you today.
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
(((Kitten)))
I can only imagine how desperate you must feel at the moment. It isl ike mourning the loss of our children over and over while they are still alive. When I found out my beautiful, clever son was manufacturing drugs, I cried for a very long time. I would keep everything together whilst there were people around, only to cry unconsolably again when they leave.
It is saying goodbye to the child you once knew and saying goodbye to all the dreams you had for your child's life. I don't have a daughter, but can only imagine your despair.
What I can say, is that going through that was needed for me to arrive at a place of great clarity afterwards. We have done the best we knew how for our children. We cannot undo the path they chose. If we could, none of us would have addict children.
Just hang in there and know that it will get better. At some stage, acceptance will set in. It may be a really good idea to go and see a counsellor to help you through this.
You are not alone. Thousands and thousands of parents unfortunately have to go through this. You will get through and you will find one day that the sun still shines.
I can only imagine how desperate you must feel at the moment. It isl ike mourning the loss of our children over and over while they are still alive. When I found out my beautiful, clever son was manufacturing drugs, I cried for a very long time. I would keep everything together whilst there were people around, only to cry unconsolably again when they leave.
It is saying goodbye to the child you once knew and saying goodbye to all the dreams you had for your child's life. I don't have a daughter, but can only imagine your despair.
What I can say, is that going through that was needed for me to arrive at a place of great clarity afterwards. We have done the best we knew how for our children. We cannot undo the path they chose. If we could, none of us would have addict children.
Just hang in there and know that it will get better. At some stage, acceptance will set in. It may be a really good idea to go and see a counsellor to help you through this.
You are not alone. Thousands and thousands of parents unfortunately have to go through this. You will get through and you will find one day that the sun still shines.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
i had nightmares for years, and lived in fear every day. Meetings helped me enormously, but they're not for everyone.
Maybe check out some counseling. Fear will eat you alive if you don't find some way to cope with it.
We can't change our addicted children, as sad as it is to watch them destroy themselves. But we can find help for ourselves, so that addiction doesn't kill us too.
Keeping you and your daughter in my prayers.
Hugs
Maybe check out some counseling. Fear will eat you alive if you don't find some way to cope with it.
We can't change our addicted children, as sad as it is to watch them destroy themselves. But we can find help for ourselves, so that addiction doesn't kill us too.
Keeping you and your daughter in my prayers.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 29
I should have never had children. After years of neglect and physical, emotional and sexual abuse, I was not even close to being prepared to parent effectively. I couldn't even take care of myself. I brought abusive men into my life because of my shortcomings and my innocnet daughters had to watch my insanity over and over. I was a mess. After 10 yrs of custody battles in three different states with my ex a-hole, my kids and I were broken people. My baby had to witness my ex and I tear each other apart. She had to be interviewed by Court psycologists, Judges, Guardian Ad Litems and expert witnesses for 8-9 years of her life starting at age four. She had to listen to daddy and his new wife tell her how evil and slutty that I was. She had to hear and see me cry for yrs and tell her that bio dad was a bad person who didn't care about her. She had to watch her much older sister (from another father) fall apart because nobody was fussing over her. She just got lost in the whole mess. Now my baby listens to her older sister, who hates me, tell her that I'm a piece of crap who doesn't care about her. I moved from house to house, from man to man and never with normal, steady employment. I ruined her! While I don't believe that I can cure her and believe with 100% certainty that I caused this. Mos addicts come from screwed up homes. It is my fault as a parent. Screwed up parents make screwed up kids. Everybody knows that. Unfortuantely, I didn't become a more stable parent until after her addiction was in full force.
Neither of my kids want to have kids now because of their experiences. If I didn't grow up in my house of horrs, I would have parented better. Abuse.. the gift that keeps on giving.
This past yr, I've barely left my home, even my bed. I don't talk with anyone anymore nor do I desire that. I haven't dated in forever as I don't respect men.
I don't love her just because she's my daughter. I lover her for her. She's the greatest person in know. She's brilliant, sensitive, empathetc, HILARIOUS, compassionate towards others and animals. She's beautiful on the inside and out. The first thing that stragers say to her in public is how her eyes are beautiful.
She hates herself because of the a hole adults on her life. That's not her fault. She didn't choose us nut bags to raise her.
When I do leave the house, I spontaneously cry at stop lights, stores or when talking to people. People think that I'm nuts. I feel nuts. I hate when I meet a guy and he asks me about my parents. "Ya, I don't talk to my parents. They're nuts!" Do you have kids and where do they live? "Ya, my 24 yr old hates me and refuses to talk with me and my 18 yr old is a drug addict and escort. Tell me about your family." I have to lie to people or they'd think that I'm a nutso.. I abhor lying.
I keep telling myself that she's going to come out of this a powerhouse. Her story wil change people's lives. But, my gut tells me that I'm lying to myself; hence, the pain and crying. I've told my daughter that she's. Survided two near fatal overdoses for a reason. She has a greater purpose. Her years of pain happened so she could be a public speaker and help those who've been lost and/or forgotten. Her story can move people. Just like my childhood led me to 23 yrs of volunteering with the homeless.. My past gave me insight and empathy that I may not otherwise possess.
Sorry for the rambling. This site is my only comfort now. I'm grateful for that.
Neither of my kids want to have kids now because of their experiences. If I didn't grow up in my house of horrs, I would have parented better. Abuse.. the gift that keeps on giving.
This past yr, I've barely left my home, even my bed. I don't talk with anyone anymore nor do I desire that. I haven't dated in forever as I don't respect men.
I don't love her just because she's my daughter. I lover her for her. She's the greatest person in know. She's brilliant, sensitive, empathetc, HILARIOUS, compassionate towards others and animals. She's beautiful on the inside and out. The first thing that stragers say to her in public is how her eyes are beautiful.
She hates herself because of the a hole adults on her life. That's not her fault. She didn't choose us nut bags to raise her.
When I do leave the house, I spontaneously cry at stop lights, stores or when talking to people. People think that I'm nuts. I feel nuts. I hate when I meet a guy and he asks me about my parents. "Ya, I don't talk to my parents. They're nuts!" Do you have kids and where do they live? "Ya, my 24 yr old hates me and refuses to talk with me and my 18 yr old is a drug addict and escort. Tell me about your family." I have to lie to people or they'd think that I'm a nutso.. I abhor lying.
I keep telling myself that she's going to come out of this a powerhouse. Her story wil change people's lives. But, my gut tells me that I'm lying to myself; hence, the pain and crying. I've told my daughter that she's. Survided two near fatal overdoses for a reason. She has a greater purpose. Her years of pain happened so she could be a public speaker and help those who've been lost and/or forgotten. Her story can move people. Just like my childhood led me to 23 yrs of volunteering with the homeless.. My past gave me insight and empathy that I may not otherwise possess.
Sorry for the rambling. This site is my only comfort now. I'm grateful for that.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by kittenkaboodle 
Been attending Al Anon and they're not what I need. Listening to people read steps from a book provides me absolutely no comfort. How's that going to help me survive her death?
If you are able to share with the group your pain, then they will be able to share back how applying those steps worked for them. It's a process, and at first most folks aren't very "porous" to soak it up - it takes time to slow and quiet oneself, before we can "hear" what is said, and begin to internalize it.
They, of all people, know your pain, I can guarantee this. You can discover in them people who directly know what you are going through. They might not wear it on their sleeve, but it's in their hearts, I assure you.
The dark times CAN get better, if you put in the work, and get the support network to work for you. I remember well that paralyzing black hole, thinking there was NO way out. Alanon drew me out of it, one TINY step at a time. I just kept going back, after I found a group I felt safe in. I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't feel that much different each meeting, but slowly things began to transform, so I kept going back.
In my experience, getting out of the hole wasn't like falling in - it was almost un-noticeable, the improvements over the weeks, until I had some months and could look back, and see that indeed, I was in a better place, than before. And I was also more connected with other people, too.
So I kept going.
Today, I feel good, stable, serene. I made it through my grieving process, learned to accept my losses and powerlessness over other folks' choices, and now I can focus on today, and on me.
Sending encouragement, we know that dark place.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I keep telling myself that she's going to come out of this a powerhouse. Her story wil change people's lives. But, my gut tells me that I'm lying to myself; hence, the pain and crying. I've told my daughter that she's. Survided two near fatal overdoses for a reason. She has a greater purpose. Her years of pain happened so she could be a public speaker and help those who've been lost and/or forgotten. Her story can move people. Just like my childhood led me to 23 yrs of volunteering with the homeless.. My past gave me insight and empathy that I may not otherwise possess.
((((hugs))))
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
We do better when we know better. I too struggled with guilt over my parenting for many years. I didn't start my recovery from codependency, and taking an honest look at all the sick relationships with men over the years till my oldest daughter was already out of the home, had had a baby, and was married.
She lived with the insanity of my addictions/alcoholism for the first 8 years of her life, 5 of those years with an insane stepfather too.
That guilt was slowly killing me. My reality was based on what she was/wasn't doing (she started smoking pot at 15, and now at age 33 has run the gamut with meth, cocaine, and prescription narcotics and benzodiazapines).
As someone who has suffered with clinical depression since adolescence, and having reached the point of suicidal thoughts several times over the years, I urge you to contact your nearest mental health center and reach out for help. That has saved my life more than once, in addition to both AA and Alanon meetings.
I know too well that jumping off place where fear ran rampant, and I was obsessed with my daughter's addictions.
Sending you many hugs of support.
She lived with the insanity of my addictions/alcoholism for the first 8 years of her life, 5 of those years with an insane stepfather too.
That guilt was slowly killing me. My reality was based on what she was/wasn't doing (she started smoking pot at 15, and now at age 33 has run the gamut with meth, cocaine, and prescription narcotics and benzodiazapines).
As someone who has suffered with clinical depression since adolescence, and having reached the point of suicidal thoughts several times over the years, I urge you to contact your nearest mental health center and reach out for help. That has saved my life more than once, in addition to both AA and Alanon meetings.
I know too well that jumping off place where fear ran rampant, and I was obsessed with my daughter's addictions.
Sending you many hugs of support.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 213
I can understand the nightmares, i have them all the time , i want to share the last one because as sick as it was i woke up laughing, so there i was in my dream i was sitting in a room and inhaling from some kind of can or something and thinking ohhhh my this feels nice, is this what my son is feeling?? hmm its good, so i kept at then i stopped and thought well now i understand him , my god!!!, i woke up in a sweat and laughed till cried , im so sorry for what you are going through , dont beat yourself up about the past we all make mistakes , I think every family has problems and are dysfunctional to there own degree from the sound of it your daughter is taking you down with her into the abyss how is that going to help her when she needs you???, yes death is a scary scenario we play out , but guess what, people do survive after loved ones have gone away if that be the case , i know i did when my mother died . Id agree with the others seek out help in any form you feel comfortable . Sending you and your family prayers
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I am so sorry for your pain. I agree with Freedom, it sounds as though you are very ill with major clinical depression. There are inexpensive generic forms of antidepressants available, and I hope you can make your way to a public health center to ask for help saving your life.
People with major depression usually do not think they are worth saving. That is the insidious destruction of that disease.
You were not crazy all those years. You were wounded. When we are wounded we do not make healthy decisions. We are unable to do so. So we marry the wrong people, our lives become a series of crises, we become lost in a maze of pain and confusion because we are wounded. Our children then become a part of the woundedness, but the reasons the family is suffering goes back generations. It is not your burden to carry, this self-blame.
My mother needed me too much. When I was growing up I was afraid I would die not because I was afraid of death but because I believed she could not live without me. This was a terrible responsibility I thought I carried. And it was unfair. Children should never be their parents' sole reason for living. Parents hurt their children if they make them so.
The best gift you can give your daughter is to put on some clothes and make-up today, get yourself to a public clinic for some medical care for your severe depression (even if you don't want to or think you are not worth it--that will be your disease talking), sit in a 12 step meeting of any kind on a weekly basis, connect with a religious counselor of some kind, and make yourself ready to be there for your daughter should she one day decide she want to get healthy. Believe me, if she gets healthy and you are falling apart, her recovery will be much harder. She needs not to be responsible for you in any way.
God created your child...you did not....and her destiny is in God's hands.
If you get treatment for severe depression, within a few weeks you will be clearer and stronger and you will begin to ascend from the depths you are now in.
Free your daughter from any responsibility for the state you are in now. Accept the responsibility for your own life and allow her to live her own. One day with God's grace the two of you may meet as equals in recovery, supporting the beautiful vital individual souls you each are in this world, with individual paths and individual lessons.
You are worthy of a healthy life and loving relationships. God made you to know and love the beautiful world this is, to shine in spirit, to do good works as you have done with the homeless, and help others who once were as lost as you are now.
Please get some medical attention. You are worth it. You are very very important and God needs your light on this earth.
Sending love and prayers for your healing.
People with major depression usually do not think they are worth saving. That is the insidious destruction of that disease.
You were not crazy all those years. You were wounded. When we are wounded we do not make healthy decisions. We are unable to do so. So we marry the wrong people, our lives become a series of crises, we become lost in a maze of pain and confusion because we are wounded. Our children then become a part of the woundedness, but the reasons the family is suffering goes back generations. It is not your burden to carry, this self-blame.
My mother needed me too much. When I was growing up I was afraid I would die not because I was afraid of death but because I believed she could not live without me. This was a terrible responsibility I thought I carried. And it was unfair. Children should never be their parents' sole reason for living. Parents hurt their children if they make them so.
The best gift you can give your daughter is to put on some clothes and make-up today, get yourself to a public clinic for some medical care for your severe depression (even if you don't want to or think you are not worth it--that will be your disease talking), sit in a 12 step meeting of any kind on a weekly basis, connect with a religious counselor of some kind, and make yourself ready to be there for your daughter should she one day decide she want to get healthy. Believe me, if she gets healthy and you are falling apart, her recovery will be much harder. She needs not to be responsible for you in any way.
God created your child...you did not....and her destiny is in God's hands.
If you get treatment for severe depression, within a few weeks you will be clearer and stronger and you will begin to ascend from the depths you are now in.
Free your daughter from any responsibility for the state you are in now. Accept the responsibility for your own life and allow her to live her own. One day with God's grace the two of you may meet as equals in recovery, supporting the beautiful vital individual souls you each are in this world, with individual paths and individual lessons.
You are worthy of a healthy life and loving relationships. God made you to know and love the beautiful world this is, to shine in spirit, to do good works as you have done with the homeless, and help others who once were as lost as you are now.
Please get some medical attention. You are worth it. You are very very important and God needs your light on this earth.
Sending love and prayers for your healing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 29
I don't take meds of any kind. I don't believe in anti depressants. I have situational pain. When my situation changes, so will my pain. I'm also a humanist, not a Christian. I'm not going to kill myself. I'm expressing my pain which includes fleeting death thoughts which aren't unusual for people in my position. If I was going to kill myself, I wouldn't tell anyone. If she dies, that's a different story, but as far as I know, she's still alive.
While I do appreciate the kind, empathetic words, I don't appreciate the diagnosis. ..and I will not get over it if my daughter dies. I never understood how parents went on after ther kids were murdered or kidnapped (and those are parents who didn't cause the death). Raising my kids was my one responsibility in life and I should have never carried on like a fool in front of them. Yes I'm racked with guilt as I should be. She needed me and I brought insanity into her life. I would give up my life for her. I weeped for two years over my damn cat when he died at age five. I can count on half of half of one hand how many people that I love. I'm loyal and committed to my love for them which includes my new cat. I don't take my important relationships lightly.
I have a huge box of her Brownie sashes, soccer awards, report cards, recital dresses, deflated bday balloons, academic awards, things that she made me. I can't even look at it. I think, "wtf happened? Why her?" I've removed some of her photos from the house because it pains me to look at them. I've been telling myself that she's already dead.
What kind of parent would I be if this didn't hurt me profoundly? One who doesn't care. When my bf broke my nose and beat my *ss in FRONT of my parents at age 19, they yelled at me for embarrassing them in front of the neighbors. They didn't beat him down for punching me and dragging me down our driveway. They told us both to leave before somebody saw us. Ya, those are parents who love their daugher. I can't be like my ex parents and pretend that she's not killing herself. I find the days difficult because I fear the police at my door.
She has no idea of how I'm feeling as I stopped communicating with her. I know it would hurt her to see me and guilting her into sobriety won't work long term. There's no relationship like that with your child. I dated someone who had substance abuse issues and I left him. It was easy for me to do. I would have been sad if he died, but it wouldn't have paralyzed me emotionally. (Btw he's been sober for over ten yrs and he's still the same selfish a hole.)He wasn't my child. I didn't give birth to him. I didn't have undying love for him. I don't have undying love for anyone other than my girls.
While I do appreciate the kind, empathetic words, I don't appreciate the diagnosis. ..and I will not get over it if my daughter dies. I never understood how parents went on after ther kids were murdered or kidnapped (and those are parents who didn't cause the death). Raising my kids was my one responsibility in life and I should have never carried on like a fool in front of them. Yes I'm racked with guilt as I should be. She needed me and I brought insanity into her life. I would give up my life for her. I weeped for two years over my damn cat when he died at age five. I can count on half of half of one hand how many people that I love. I'm loyal and committed to my love for them which includes my new cat. I don't take my important relationships lightly.
I have a huge box of her Brownie sashes, soccer awards, report cards, recital dresses, deflated bday balloons, academic awards, things that she made me. I can't even look at it. I think, "wtf happened? Why her?" I've removed some of her photos from the house because it pains me to look at them. I've been telling myself that she's already dead.
What kind of parent would I be if this didn't hurt me profoundly? One who doesn't care. When my bf broke my nose and beat my *ss in FRONT of my parents at age 19, they yelled at me for embarrassing them in front of the neighbors. They didn't beat him down for punching me and dragging me down our driveway. They told us both to leave before somebody saw us. Ya, those are parents who love their daugher. I can't be like my ex parents and pretend that she's not killing herself. I find the days difficult because I fear the police at my door.
She has no idea of how I'm feeling as I stopped communicating with her. I know it would hurt her to see me and guilting her into sobriety won't work long term. There's no relationship like that with your child. I dated someone who had substance abuse issues and I left him. It was easy for me to do. I would have been sad if he died, but it wouldn't have paralyzed me emotionally. (Btw he's been sober for over ten yrs and he's still the same selfish a hole.)He wasn't my child. I didn't give birth to him. I didn't have undying love for him. I don't have undying love for anyone other than my girls.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
The best thing you could do is show her, by example, how to heal.
By your logic the missing element has been a healthy role model, for her.
By giving yourself healing, you give her the greatest gift -- seeing how to do it -- how to break the cycle of dysfunction.
CLMI
By your logic the missing element has been a healthy role model, for her.
By giving yourself healing, you give her the greatest gift -- seeing how to do it -- how to break the cycle of dysfunction.
CLMI
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
You certainly do have every right and every reason to be grieving, to be sad. No one will deny that.
As a human being with free will, you have every right to continue to beat yourself up for everything in your life that you may have done wrong, to try to punish yourself continually as some sort of payback for having been human.....for having made mistakes and poor choices.
or
As catlovermi and Anvilhead have said, you can learn to live your life to the fullest, to be that shining example of change and growth for your two precious daughters.
I hope that you realize you deserve to live a full and happy life for yourself and for your children.
As a human being with free will, you have every right to continue to beat yourself up for everything in your life that you may have done wrong, to try to punish yourself continually as some sort of payback for having been human.....for having made mistakes and poor choices.
or
As catlovermi and Anvilhead have said, you can learn to live your life to the fullest, to be that shining example of change and growth for your two precious daughters.
I hope that you realize you deserve to live a full and happy life for yourself and for your children.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 29
If my daughter came home with six months of sobriety, I'd have no reason to feel pain, so I'd be ready for her.. My daughter's addiction is the only thing that causes me extreme pain. Anything else that may come my way is beyond manageable. I started exercising and volunteering again this week. This extreme emotional state has ONLY been for FIVE weeks, not two yrs! I don't appreciate some of the comments. It's like going to a funeral and telling the surviving family to get over it, it's been a week. ..and I couldn't care less that my older hates me. She's a sociopath who uses and abuses people and cares about nobody. She hates everyone. I don't take it personally that she hates me. She never experienced what her sister experienced with my ex as they have different fathers. I came to term with my parents yrs ago. I don't subject myself to their insanity. I just talk about them as it applies to some of my past parenting issues with my kids when they were growing up and in comparision to how I feel about my daughter. I haven't shed a tear over them in yrs, but thanks for telling me that I haven't processed it. I feel like there have been some passive aggressive jabs and I'm not posting on this site anymore. I thought that this was a safe place without judgement. I needed to feel safe to be 100% candid about my feelings without feeling attacked by a few of you. Not cool guys. Since some of you know my medical diagnosis, how I feel, how I should feel, how my kids feel and why I do what I do, can you tell me how I will handle this upcoming weekend? I don't like surprises. Thx good bye..
Btw.. I can't show my daughter by example since I don't have contact with her. So now you're suggesting that I do have power over her addiction by providing her an example which will show her how to live correcty?. Wait, thought I was to have no contact with an active addcit. Don't talk outta both sides of your mouth.
Btw.. I can't show my daughter by example since I don't have contact with her. So now you're suggesting that I do have power over her addiction by providing her an example which will show her how to live correcty?. Wait, thought I was to have no contact with an active addcit. Don't talk outta both sides of your mouth.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
Originally Posted by kittenkaboodle
Yes I'm racked with guilt as I should be.
Why should you be racked with guilt? What good is it doing you or her?
I don't take my important relationships lightly.
Then for her sake, show her what recovery, resurrection and responsible adulthood looks like. Sounds like she's never had an adult in her life show her what responsible happy adulthood looks like. Show her now. It's not too late. Your past may be dark and spotted but your future is chrystal clean. Show her by performance how a person rebuilds a life by crawling out of the bottom of the pit. If you don't do it, nobody else in the world will. If you died, who on earth would SHE have? If you wallow in guilt and self hatred, how can she do anything else but that?
I've been telling myself that she's already dead.
What good does that do?
I can't be like my ex parents and pretend that she's not killing herself.
So you pretend she's dead already. Why pretend at all?
I can see how pretending she's dead will help you, but how will it help her?
I would have been sad if he died, but it wouldn't have paralyzed me emotionally.
She's not even dead and you've paralyzed yourself emotionally.
My heart bleeds for you. You are in such pain. But as long as there's life, there's hope. No amount of self flagellation will change that fact. As long as there is life, there's hope.
Why should you be racked with guilt? What good is it doing you or her?
I don't take my important relationships lightly.
Then for her sake, show her what recovery, resurrection and responsible adulthood looks like. Sounds like she's never had an adult in her life show her what responsible happy adulthood looks like. Show her now. It's not too late. Your past may be dark and spotted but your future is chrystal clean. Show her by performance how a person rebuilds a life by crawling out of the bottom of the pit. If you don't do it, nobody else in the world will. If you died, who on earth would SHE have? If you wallow in guilt and self hatred, how can she do anything else but that?
I've been telling myself that she's already dead.
What good does that do?
I can't be like my ex parents and pretend that she's not killing herself.
So you pretend she's dead already. Why pretend at all?
I can see how pretending she's dead will help you, but how will it help her?
I would have been sad if he died, but it wouldn't have paralyzed me emotionally.
She's not even dead and you've paralyzed yourself emotionally.
My heart bleeds for you. You are in such pain. But as long as there's life, there's hope. No amount of self flagellation will change that fact. As long as there is life, there's hope.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I feel excruciating pain underneath your anger in your last response.
All we can do here is share our experience, strength, and hope.
Perhaps there is a forum out there on the internet better suited to your needs.
I wish you the best, and a peaceful heart.
All we can do here is share our experience, strength, and hope.
Perhaps there is a forum out there on the internet better suited to your needs.
I wish you the best, and a peaceful heart.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
"I can't function."
"Suicidal thoughts."
Please go to an emergency room for psychiatric help if things become unbearable and the thoughts turn into a plan.
Again, I'm very sorry for your despair and feelings of hopelessness.
Wishing you the support and help you need, in whatever form is best for you.
"Suicidal thoughts."
Please go to an emergency room for psychiatric help if things become unbearable and the thoughts turn into a plan.
Again, I'm very sorry for your despair and feelings of hopelessness.
Wishing you the support and help you need, in whatever form is best for you.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Well, I always believe that where there is life, there is hope.
As far as you know, your younger daughter is still alive, so that means she may yet choose to live a healthier, happier, more peaceful life without drugs.
There is also hope that she will, once again, be part of your life.
My stepson is an alcoholic and polysubstance abuser. He is still out there making poor choices. Three summers ago, he was given a 50/50 shot of living through alcohol withdrawals, hepatitis, and jaundice. Somehow, he survived only to go out again and start smoking crack. His father ultimately kicked him out as he was bringing other addicts and dealers into his house.
There are periods of 6 to 7 months when we do not hear from him at all. There is another moderator whose son has not been seen or heard from in many years.
What I hope that you come to understand that when you are on this forum, you are among people who do understand exactly what you are going through. If it brings you any relief from your pain, I hope you will come here and vent away!!
May tonight bring you some much-deserved rest and a bit of peace.
As far as you know, your younger daughter is still alive, so that means she may yet choose to live a healthier, happier, more peaceful life without drugs.
There is also hope that she will, once again, be part of your life.
My stepson is an alcoholic and polysubstance abuser. He is still out there making poor choices. Three summers ago, he was given a 50/50 shot of living through alcohol withdrawals, hepatitis, and jaundice. Somehow, he survived only to go out again and start smoking crack. His father ultimately kicked him out as he was bringing other addicts and dealers into his house.
There are periods of 6 to 7 months when we do not hear from him at all. There is another moderator whose son has not been seen or heard from in many years.
What I hope that you come to understand that when you are on this forum, you are among people who do understand exactly what you are going through. If it brings you any relief from your pain, I hope you will come here and vent away!!
May tonight bring you some much-deserved rest and a bit of peace.
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Kitten, I hope you will hang around here for a while. I am a very private person and didn't share that much, but just reading what others went through helped a lot. Also knowing that I am not alone in the world with my pain helped.
I hear what you say about being a bad mother. I think it is natural and maybe even healthy to take a good look at yourself and what you think you contributed. I know I certainly felt guilty about my imperfections for a long time. The thing is this, though, nothing can ever change the past. I did what I did from my own place of hurt. Thanks to my AS I grew in leaps and bounds in strength and as a person.
I also don't believe in taking anti-depressants and I do think this is situational depression. Talking to someone to cope with the situation may be of some help? I had to work through it to make sure I could become present for my other son.
Mourning is a very private thing. It takes as long as it takes.
You have expressed the pain so many of us felt along the way. We just want to give you hope that you can get through this, whatever the outcome with your daughter. I do hope that you will stay with us a while.
I hear what you say about being a bad mother. I think it is natural and maybe even healthy to take a good look at yourself and what you think you contributed. I know I certainly felt guilty about my imperfections for a long time. The thing is this, though, nothing can ever change the past. I did what I did from my own place of hurt. Thanks to my AS I grew in leaps and bounds in strength and as a person.
I also don't believe in taking anti-depressants and I do think this is situational depression. Talking to someone to cope with the situation may be of some help? I had to work through it to make sure I could become present for my other son.
Mourning is a very private thing. It takes as long as it takes.
You have expressed the pain so many of us felt along the way. We just want to give you hope that you can get through this, whatever the outcome with your daughter. I do hope that you will stay with us a while.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
