PixieGirl

I have left AH and am living with my mom. I still have to see him because we have a kid together, but I wish I didn't have to see him or talk to him. He seems like such a sad little puppy dog right now and I find it difficult to be around him because then I start to feel guilty that I left. And when he's playing with our son and telling him how much he misses him it really hurts me - I feel like the most evil person ever!

AH doesn't seem to get that when I said "I'm done, I want to separate" that I really meant I'm done and want to separate! Trying to talk to him is like banging my head against the wall. Is that just typical A behaviour?

He hasn't drank in a few weeks, went to some AA meetings so it's like he doesn't understand why I don't just come back. He seems so certain that he's never going to drink again blah blah blah, and actually expects me to believe this! When I look into alcoholism rehab, it seems that it generally is a very very long process, and I think he's still in denial.

How do I get him to understand why I had to leave and am not coming back? Or maybe he will never understand? I don't know why I feel the need for him to understand my side. I don't even think I love him anymore - it's like I just still feel I have this 'duty' to him and I feel bad for him.

Sorry, I don't know what I'm even asking. I just wonder if anyone can share what is was like when they first left their A? Especially if you still had to see them because of kids. How did you get through the transition? When did it start to get easier?

autumn1554

It seems like you feel very sure that you are over the relationship. No sense in giving false hope of rekindling something that you don't have any intentions of restarting. Did you leave solely because of the drinking and problems caused by it, or was it the combination of many things. I know this can be a hard question to answer, but this might be a better question asked after some more time of sobriety and with more time for you to really think about it. Regardless, I do think if you've already removed yourself from the situation, it's best to not teeter totter back and forth. Set clear boundaries and stick to them, they are for the sake of your own self and child after all. If you need to justify it to yourself, just remember, you are doing what you think is best for your own health and that of your child's. That makes you a very good, caring mother in my book.

worried72

Pixiegirl,
I have not left, and my DH is in VERY early recovery. However, the guilt feeling is pervasive. And sucky.

I have always felt like, if my daughter and I left, he would hurt himself or something else really bad would happen. Although, he was obviously slowly killing himself anyway.

Other people contributed to that feeling as well.... not sure if it is true for you or not. I heard lots of time from my MIL that she didn't know what he would do without us. No pressure, though... cripes.

Guilt and pity are horrible feelings, and hopefully if you LIVE each moment as if you are not feeling wound up about his sadness, eventually you will FEEL that way, too.

Peace.
L.