lhenderson

Well here it goes. I had posted back a couple of weeks ago about being co-dependent. You see I was in a very unhealthy relationship and ended it about a year ago. But my ex still called once in a while. He moved up to New York with another girl. He left with this girl because she supported his addiction and I wouldn't.This is a man who robbed me, lied and cheated on me. I got a call from him on Christmas Day telling me that he has been clean and sober for 6 months now and had made a bad decision by letting me go. I was with him for 3 years and God how I wanted to beleive him. Yesterday I got a call from some girl in New York telling me that he is in jail with a no bond hold for possession and credit card theft asking me to send him some money in jail. The problem that I am having with all this is he didn't care enough to be honest with me about his drug use or his relationship with the girl he left with. By the way she was harvested with him. A part of me wants to help and another part of me says run for cover I really really could use some advise.

doggonecarl

Listen to that part of yourself.

You are trying to get recovered yourself. Don't get dragged into what looks, to an objective outsider, a big mess.

Good luck.

Anna

Definitely, run for cover.

Block his calls.

You deserve better.

look4billw

he is in jail with a no bond
This may be the bottom that he needs to reach, no guarantees.
Whatever changes he may have made in his life, apparently they're not working.
If he's going to be sick and tired of being sick and tired, I would not make his landing at the bottom any softer by sending him money.
Desperation is actually working in his favor at this point.
Whenever anyone approaches the doorway to recovery, they must find a honest willingness within themselves to cross over the threshold.
It is never worked for me when I was pushed, or dragged through to comply with someone else's wishes.
I would consider asking my higher power repeatedly to help him find himself, and then take no further actions until I saw solid sustained change.

dawnrunner

Well I believe you have your answer from the unanimous responses so far, but I'll just add my agreement.

Send no money, offer no place to crash, offer no emotional entanglement, and especially: how did this woman get your phone number??! He should not be putting his new 'friends' into your life to potentially bother you in perpetuity.

He sounds deep in addiction and trouble, and only he can dig himself out.

Best wishes to you in your own recovery and in getting away from the past, starting fresh in freedom and strength.

jocata

Let him sit and think about what he has done and where it has gotten him. Could be the best thing that could happen to him.

Stay strong and take care of yourself. You have all of us here to lean on.

God bless.

1undone

As I've said before, what man calls his ex-gf for money? An addict.

ulverston

i think a gut reaction is usually the correct decision

lookinforward

I agree with all of the above. He knows that part of you wants him back in your life...wants to help. Sometimes we just have to help ourselves.
Dave

SASA

I would say run. I was in a similar situation a while back and made the mistake to pay. Needless to say, yes he returned and it caused me so much heartbrake. Now I would just say run for the hills and never ever look back///// You need to go forward and forward means not to connect with addicts, exes from the past. They should stay there.

PaleMale

Certainly, move on. Enough is enough. His new GF has family and an exBF she can call to buy him smokes in prison...

They have astonishing gall. Hear that click? That was the door closing behind you. On you go, greater and brighter things ahead.

CaiHong

Ihenderson,

For most of us this is a no brainer. Forget him. This is about you and your sobriety, he has his own path. You can't help him, giving him money will just keep enabling to live the lifestyle he is caught up in.

Please trake cere of yourself you deserve it.

CaiHong

Impurrfect

(((IHenderson))) - I went through this with my XABF#3 (slow learner). I did put money on his books, but only once. He continued to get locked up, had his MOM 3-way call me (he was almost 50) to bail him out and I said "NO". FWIW, his mom totally understood and was one of my biggest supporters.

Every single time he got out, he went right back to the drugs. Meanwhile, I was working on my OWN recovery. He had to go for me to keep my sanity and serenity. He'd always tell me how much he looooooved me, how he had a job when he got out (hadn't worked in over 20 years), yada yada. His ACTIONS showed me that his WORDS were totally BS.

It's hard to realize that the person you want him to be is nothing like the person he is, but it's really important.

You deserve way better than being tied to someone who is intent on using and all the stuff that goes with it.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy