He's out at a party
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: South
Posts: 7
He's out at a party
I need to vent a little and find out if I'm nuts or not.
This afternoon hubby asked me for the umpteenth time why I was distant with him. I told him he knew and I didn't want to get into it at that time (because every time we talk about his drinking he always tries to turn it around and tell me how great he is for working when he drinks and how *I* have shortcomings, too, and he puts up with those). Anyway after about the third time he asked I said "Well, I suppose we'll have to get into it anyway because I need you to babysit Monday while I go to a support meeting for people who have to deal with problem drinkers." His response was patronizing. He kept telling me I was making too much of it, and hadn't he cut back, since the baby was born, yadda yadda yadda. I said "Yes you have cut back, but you still don't get it, and I still live with a sword hanging over my head that I'll come home and find you out of it, like I did a few weeks ago (true), and you still spend most of many Sundays in bed and on the toilet." (Beer does certain things to his digestion.) "And", I said, "I still don't feel like we will ever be able to have an enjoyable vacation or camping trip because you always ruin them with your drinking." So anyway he kept trying to say I was oversensitive --- and maybe I am, a little. Maybe the years of stone-drunk 3- day weekends kind of oversensitized me. Maybe if at the start of our relationship, he drank like he does now, I would have been able to tolerate it. He says I should forget the past. Well, the present isn't as bad as the past but it still isn't "NORMAL" by any means. And those who forget history are destined to repeat it, it is said.
Anyway I started thinking that maybe at least if I was being hypersensitive because of past injuries, Al-Anon might be able to help me with that. And if I wasn't, I could learn what to do. I was actually feeling a little nicer towards him, and thinking maybe we could have a semi-nice evening after the kid went to bed. THen he springs on me that his department at work is having a Christmas party tonight and he wants to go. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. Then he says "I really want to go, and I should show up because it is a work thing." So I said, "What if you could only have six beers? Would it be worth it to you to go?" He thought a second and said "Well I guess I could make it an early night." I told him "Will you be able to look me in the eye tomorrow and swear you had no more than six beers?" He said
he would. He is not a good liar so I think I would know. Anyway I am quite upset about it. If it hadn't have been a work-related thing I would have ripped him a new one for even *asking* me after our conversation earlier. (And I know he isn't lying about the party because there was a message on the phone to me earlier in the day about "when I come to pick up (hubby's) car tomorrow...", which made no sense to me until I learned there was a party and the person leaving the message was the host. (He drives to parties and takes cabs home.)
What do you folks think of all this???
This afternoon hubby asked me for the umpteenth time why I was distant with him. I told him he knew and I didn't want to get into it at that time (because every time we talk about his drinking he always tries to turn it around and tell me how great he is for working when he drinks and how *I* have shortcomings, too, and he puts up with those). Anyway after about the third time he asked I said "Well, I suppose we'll have to get into it anyway because I need you to babysit Monday while I go to a support meeting for people who have to deal with problem drinkers." His response was patronizing. He kept telling me I was making too much of it, and hadn't he cut back, since the baby was born, yadda yadda yadda. I said "Yes you have cut back, but you still don't get it, and I still live with a sword hanging over my head that I'll come home and find you out of it, like I did a few weeks ago (true), and you still spend most of many Sundays in bed and on the toilet." (Beer does certain things to his digestion.) "And", I said, "I still don't feel like we will ever be able to have an enjoyable vacation or camping trip because you always ruin them with your drinking." So anyway he kept trying to say I was oversensitive --- and maybe I am, a little. Maybe the years of stone-drunk 3- day weekends kind of oversensitized me. Maybe if at the start of our relationship, he drank like he does now, I would have been able to tolerate it. He says I should forget the past. Well, the present isn't as bad as the past but it still isn't "NORMAL" by any means. And those who forget history are destined to repeat it, it is said.
Anyway I started thinking that maybe at least if I was being hypersensitive because of past injuries, Al-Anon might be able to help me with that. And if I wasn't, I could learn what to do. I was actually feeling a little nicer towards him, and thinking maybe we could have a semi-nice evening after the kid went to bed. THen he springs on me that his department at work is having a Christmas party tonight and he wants to go. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. Then he says "I really want to go, and I should show up because it is a work thing." So I said, "What if you could only have six beers? Would it be worth it to you to go?" He thought a second and said "Well I guess I could make it an early night." I told him "Will you be able to look me in the eye tomorrow and swear you had no more than six beers?" He said
he would. He is not a good liar so I think I would know. Anyway I am quite upset about it. If it hadn't have been a work-related thing I would have ripped him a new one for even *asking* me after our conversation earlier. (And I know he isn't lying about the party because there was a message on the phone to me earlier in the day about "when I come to pick up (hubby's) car tomorrow...", which made no sense to me until I learned there was a party and the person leaving the message was the host. (He drives to parties and takes cabs home.)
What do you folks think of all this???
Paused
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Yorkshire UK
Posts: 103
Stone, speaking for myself as a drinker, I could make promises "I will ony have a couple, I promise I won't come home drunk" And believe me, you could have put me on a lie detector, and I would have passed!!! I MEANT every word of it. Could I DO it???
NO WAY. Thats why, when I got into AA, and heard it was 'that FIRST drink which does the damage, once the first drink is in, we have already lost control' I couldn't argue with it.
Maybe your husband DOES believe he CAN stop at six, so he may not be lying to you about that. Whether he can achieve it or not is another question.
It's good that you have your Alanon support group, it will help you a lot. Sorry I can't be more helpful or supportive, but I think I understand where your husband is coming from. I let my husband down every time I went out with broken promises.
NO WAY. Thats why, when I got into AA, and heard it was 'that FIRST drink which does the damage, once the first drink is in, we have already lost control' I couldn't argue with it.
Maybe your husband DOES believe he CAN stop at six, so he may not be lying to you about that. Whether he can achieve it or not is another question.
It's good that you have your Alanon support group, it will help you a lot. Sorry I can't be more helpful or supportive, but I think I understand where your husband is coming from. I let my husband down every time I went out with broken promises.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
I think he's making excuses and
bargaining and doing all the typical alcoholic things. You've made it clear that his drinking is a problem for you. Now go get some help for yourself. Nothing that you say to him is going to make any difference. He is convinced he has it all under control. His only problem is the truth you keep throwing at him. And I say, if he can't hear it, quit wasting your breath.
Your life and your happiness do not depend on whether or not he drinks. Go on out there and have a ball. Life is too short to waste it dealing with people in denial.
Peace,
Gabe
Your life and your happiness do not depend on whether or not he drinks. Go on out there and have a ball. Life is too short to waste it dealing with people in denial.
Peace,
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
((( Stoneweaver ))),
I'm going to sound like Gabe's echo. Did you ever watch Star Trek? Y'know how the alein enemy would fire their phasers at the ship, but even though the lights flickered and the camera shook the crew all around, there was never any real damage to the Enterprise. That's because the sheilds were up. His denial is like those sheilds. You might rattle him around a little, but you're not really going to be able to penetrate. Hold your fire. You're just draining the generator. I'm glad you've found yourself a group to attend. It might make you feel a little better for us to say "yes it's crappy, yes he's a self deceiving drunk", but it won't change anything.
Hugs,
Smoke
I'm going to sound like Gabe's echo. Did you ever watch Star Trek? Y'know how the alein enemy would fire their phasers at the ship, but even though the lights flickered and the camera shook the crew all around, there was never any real damage to the Enterprise. That's because the sheilds were up. His denial is like those sheilds. You might rattle him around a little, but you're not really going to be able to penetrate. Hold your fire. You're just draining the generator. I'm glad you've found yourself a group to attend. It might make you feel a little better for us to say "yes it's crappy, yes he's a self deceiving drunk", but it won't change anything.
Hugs,
Smoke
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 146
Hey Stoneweaver
Look, just go to the meeting. Don't worry about him - worry about you. I'm going to my first meeting on Monday too. I'll be thinking of you, even if it is on the other side of the planet and there's 12 or something hours time difference between us!
You're not nuts, you're normal.
BIG hugs from me to you
Sandra xxx
Look, just go to the meeting. Don't worry about him - worry about you. I'm going to my first meeting on Monday too. I'll be thinking of you, even if it is on the other side of the planet and there's 12 or something hours time difference between us!
You're not nuts, you're normal.
BIG hugs from me to you
Sandra xxx
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