deltaxv

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months now. He is a sweet, kind, and loving man. I couldn't have asked for a better emotional match for me. He is very sensitive to my needs and seems to understand where I am coming from most of the time.

Two months into our relationship, he was hospitalized for he called a "gastrointestinal problem". Little did I know, it was actually for alcohol withdrawal symptoms. I didn't even know that he drank at all! I showed up to the hospital and just happened to catch the doctor lecturing him about laying off the alcohol.

I have become very close with his family and they felt the need to fill me in on his past. Apparently he has not been dry since he was 18 years old. That means that he has been addicted to alcohol for 15 years- since he is now 33 years old.

More recently, he was hospitalized AGAIN this week for alcohol withdrawal. I searched his apartment while he was in the hospital and found 10 empty liter vodka bottles that I know had not been there 2 weeks previous.

I feel like such a fool. He hasn't told me the truth from day one and I fell for it.

Now I am conflicted as to where to turn and what to do now. I have given the ultimatum for him to attend an inpatient rehabilitation treatment facility or I will be out the door, but what if he won't go?
What if he begins this treatment and doesn't complete or follow through with it?

Surely someone out there can identify with my situation!

laurie6781

Ultimatums do NOT work.

Check out Alanon for you. There you will learn how to set YOUR boundaries, ie "I will not be involved with anyone who is actively practicing their addiction and not in recovery."

Keep posting here to let us know how you are doing as we do care very much, ask questions, vent, cry, rant, rave, scream and yes even laugh.

We have been there.

Welcome to Sober Recovery.


Love and hugs,





I would suggest at this point in time, that you step back, WATCH his ACTIONS and do NOT listen to his WORDS.

MsPINKAcres

((deltaxv))

I hate so much to hear of this heartbreaking situation - but so glad you have found out SR family to reach out too for help.

your statement "He hasn't told me the truth from day one"

is very typical of people that suffer from this disease and usually it only gets worse as time goes by. . .

My suggestion to you would be to attend some Al-Anon meetings, read as much as you can about the disease of alcoholism especially from the family & friend prospective; read the threads on this site . . .

See what so many of us have been thru in our many many years in dealing with our loved ones who suffer from this disease. . . then maybe take some time to decide if you are sure you want to continue this relationship -

Maybe take a realistic look at your possible future with this man just as it is today - there is a very good chance that NOTHING will change - the way it is today is the way it MAY stay forever ~ yes it could get better, but it also could get worse

The relationship is young, yes it will hurt, you will have a time of grief and pain ~ but as you read the threads - you can see what damage has been done to our members who have been in long term relationships with A's.

Sweetie - the choice is yours ~ but for your best interest - please make it an INFORMED choice - please KNOW what you are facing before you decide if you really want to continue this . . .

Also one of the first guidelines as a healthy person in a relationship with an active alcoholic - don't make an ultimatum if you aren't willing to follow thru ~ they learn to pick up on that pretty fast.

Wishing you the best in which ever path you choose!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

serenity001

deltaxv,

I am so sorry and know your pain, I just started here about a week ago, having ended and engagement to an A, and have been on a rollercoaster ride of emotions since!!! My Ex A Fiance, was the same loving, sweet, showed emotion, affectionate, all I ever wanted I in a man, and more. With him being a A come the Lies, even lying and telling me he hasnt been drinking when it is totally obvious... The only thing you can do it take care of you, keep coming here to VENT, Alanon, therapy, you have to put your concentration back on you and I know that is so very difficult, as I am trying to do the same, he has to need and want to get help and it ultimatley has to be his decision to stop, no ultimatum will make him stop. Reading and learning about DETACHMENT will help. I'm sitting here thinking about how you are feeling and I really empathize!!! I wish you peace and hope you will get the support that YOU need, I still Love my Ex A fiance, and it hurts everyday. I am back in alanon, Im here, and know that if I didnt have a support system, it would be even harder, The people here have been of amazing support to me.

Sending you Lots of healing wishes and love,

Serenity001

suki44883

Giving an ultimatum without being willing to back it up is useless. You cannot control him and if he wants to drink, he is going to drink. Empty threats mean nothing. Instead of trying to control what he does, learn to set boundaries for yourself.

Boundaries are like rules you make for yourself, not them. A boundary would be something like...I will not be in a relationship with an active alcoholic. I will not be in a relationship with someone who lies to me. Boundaries don't require the other person to do anything other than what they normally would, so you aren't attempting to control them. They are still free to do whatever they want.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. If you choose to stay in this relationship, I strongly suggest that you attend al-anon meetings where you can get face-to-face support from other people who share their lives with an alcoholic. You can learn to detach from whatever he does or says, and live a peaceful life regardless.

qbert

I am sorry you are going through this. I think at this point though what is happening is a clear sign you should move on without him one way or another. I wish I had realized what I was getting into 19 years ago before I married him. I was so young, I didn't know what was happening were "red flags" until 9 years ago when someone told me he's an A and he's VA/EA me. I didn't know. I thought there was something wrong with me - just like he told me there was many times. Anyway getting off subject here LOL - sorry.

Speaking of Ultimatums. I have NEVER given my AH an ultimatum in our 19 year marriage because I was not ready to back it up just like she says above. You need to be ready to either work through the change to better yourself without him, or work to get him better so you can try to have a life together if that is what you want.

As Pink says if you read the threads from others here who have been in LT relationships, it's true, there is a lot A LOT of damage done. Some unrepairable. I am 42 years old and have a 9yo son. I will probably never be able to trust anyone again with my heart. I will probably be a nervous wreck for the rest of my life when Son is with AH, even when he's sober because of his VA/EA. There are so many things though that YOU can do for yourself right now when you are young. Please do A LOT of research online and find out if this is a relationship you want to pursue. I wish you the best of luck.

PS, to sum it up. If I had KNOWN what "Red Flags" were years ago....or KNOWN was Verbal and Emotional abuse was years ago, I would have never married this man. NEVER. He was doing ALL of it before we even got married. It became VERY close to physical, but never has. Doesn't mean it never will. Hugs.

m1k3

My experience from being married to an alcoholic for 36 years is that I will never have a relationship with an alcoholic again. We are currently separated and have been for the last 9 months.

From what you described his alcoholism is pretty bad already. At least I had 15 relatively normal years before the bottom dropped out and I found myself in the middle of hell. It was a long hard journey to find my way out.



Your friend,

bless5

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them... the first time.

quetzal

Oh man, I'm glad you found this site this soon.. I wish I had. I was in your place a year ago. You really don't know how bad it can get... Go to AL-ANON and if you are serious stick to what you have told him. I didn't take it seriously and he said he would get help. He stayed sober for about 8 months but never went to AA or counseling for his problems. I still stuck around thinking it wasn't that big of a deal. He is functioning so most people don't even know he has problems. He is successful in work and is very good looking so I think I just thought it was minor. Last month he completely blacked out and punched holes in my walls and said the meanest things. This coming from a man that I thought I could marry. As sweet and nice as he is sober he had another side that I didn't know about for almost a year... There were red flags from the start that I chose not to see. Love yourself first and always listen to your gut, it will never let you down... sending you positive vibes!!!

artygirl

I was involved with my EXABF for 5 yrs. before I came to the conclusion that he was an alcoholic. We had a lot of history and we had planned our future together. I asked him to get help and that I didn't think he could moderate when he said that he would switch to beer and wine only. I didn't actually deliver an ultimatum per se. He said he would seek help. 6 weeks later he broke up with me saying he didn't want to stop drinking. I am in Al ANON and working on my own recovery. He has already moved on to someone else who doesn't "know". I am sure he isn't being truthful to his new GF. I have been through a lot of pain. I can't go back in time.

I am not offering advice but if I had known early on what I know now about alcoholism I would have not gotten so involved. He did anything and everything for me but slowly his personality began to change. I honestly believe I got the best of him for quite a long period of time. The first 2 yrs. were magic before things slowly changed.

I'm sorry you are faced with this but be grateful you know now.

button21

I'm sorry you're going through this. Alcoholism is a terrible disease, and unfortunately all the love in the world won't make it go away. Nothing is going to change until HE is ready to change it. As stated before, ultimatums don't work. The best thing you can do is to focus on yourself. Do what you need to do for YOU at this point in time.

I know how you are feeling. My bf is currently a recovering alcoholic and we had dated for nearly 2 years before the extent of his addiction became clear. I had to make a hard decision as to whether to go or leave. I left, went back after he had been sober for 3 weeks but he had a week long relapse that made me leave again. Leaving was the hardest thing I had ever done, but I knew that it was what I needed at that time. For 1 year we had very, very minimal contact. I felt guilty, I worried, I missed him, but I still focused on me. About a year from when we split, we reconnected and started to catch up. He is now in recovery and is in a completely different place in his life, as am I. we have recently started dating again. Relapse could happen at any moment (nothing is guaranteed day by day), but I continue to work on MY recovery and I'm just enjoying things as they happen.

So, bottom line is that you need to do what is best for you. Your relationship is young, but that doesn't negate your feelings. Sometimes the best way that you can show how much you love someone is by leaving. I encourage you to try Al-Anon meetings (go to a handful before you decide whether or not you like them), read about co-dependence and detachment. Good luck! We are all here for you.

tabatha

I would be really cautious to even continue with this relationship as he has lied about his alcoholism from the start and doesn't sound like he has any intentions of working a recovery program. How long did he think he could hide it from you? I'm sorry for your situation but after that many years of drinking and still no active recovery I would not trust anything he said at this point. I've been there with the lies and cover ups and believe me I would not go there again for anything. Unless he gets sober, finds recovery, and starts telling the truth you're in for a life of hell.

Isollae

I think that when we 'forgive' our alcoholic significant others for their behavior and continue to love them in spite of it, two things happen.

One is we've given them permission to do it again. We don't mean it that way, we don't state it that way. But I think that's how its processed by them. They can get away with it with US.

Secondly we lose status in their eyes and in time, even in our own eyes. I think that all of us who have stayed with our loved one for whatever reason in SPITE of the severe problems would never have imagined that we could ever be one of those people in one of those kinds of life. Most people feel that way. So when we stay for love or whatever reason, we've lost some of our respect and dignity.

Hugs and I hope the best for both of you.

deltaxv

Thank you all for the uplifting words of encouragement!
Today is a much better day than yesterday. He is out of the hospital and has been calling rehabilitation places all on his own. He has even scheduled to go see one today.

I am praying that this will all work out. I have made it very well known that there is not enough room for me and alcohol in his life and I am sticking to it.

Keep us in your prayers!

sesh

Please, read these lines again and think about them very carefully. Trust it to be the truth even though it doesn't make sense to you right now.

IMHO, the best thing you can do for right now is to step out from the picture and let him deal with his own problems. That is the most helpful, loving thing you can do for your BF. He has to figure it out on his own, and in my experience you sticking around is not helping.

His addiction is not to be taken lightly, having health problems, such serious withdrawals symptoms, it shows it is very advanced.

Even if he seeks recovery now, it will be a long difficult process, during which you're bound to experience more hurt. In the same time you know very little about alcoholism, so you're exposed to being easily manipulated. I'm sorry but that is the way it works.
Stick around here, this place has been a life saver to many of us.

I wish both you and your ABF well.