His parents are killing me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 25
His parents are killing me.
Hi there,
As I have posted before, by AH is about to return home from 57 days inpatient. He's been home on weekend passes recently, but his actual move home it Friday.
We have been married for 13 years, and I have been in and out of Alanon, read every book under the sun on codependency and detaching... I feel good right now. I spent 4 intense days in family week at the "institute" as we call it. I feel good. I am really looking forward to getting back into alanon when he gets home and we are back in a routine.... it's been at least 5 years since I've been.
Anyway, his parents have finally started going to Alanon, which is great, though I was worried about his mom at first b/c she was hoping to go there and "get advice" on how to keep him sober - ugh. They seem to enjoy it, but OMG!!!! His mom will NOT stop asking me if I'm going, questioning me about my plans... I keep putting her off. She started talking to my other family members about how I need to go. She started asking my husband if I'm going. Tonight she called and informed my that she is worried he won't be able to stay sober if I don't change my "reactions" to him. GAAAAAH. I have lived in the face of this disease that his family has, frankly, skirted around FOREVER. He was drunk at our wedding, for crying out loud. I GET IT.
When I go to Alanon, it will be 100% about my own recovery, not to keep her son sober. She has no idea what living in my house is like. She wants me to change my reactions to him b/c she is so worried about her 40 year old baby boy. WHO CARES ABOUT ME? Oh yeah, me.
Anyway, a vent.... looking for similar family hijinks, I guess.
Love to all,
L,
As I have posted before, by AH is about to return home from 57 days inpatient. He's been home on weekend passes recently, but his actual move home it Friday.
We have been married for 13 years, and I have been in and out of Alanon, read every book under the sun on codependency and detaching... I feel good right now. I spent 4 intense days in family week at the "institute" as we call it. I feel good. I am really looking forward to getting back into alanon when he gets home and we are back in a routine.... it's been at least 5 years since I've been.
Anyway, his parents have finally started going to Alanon, which is great, though I was worried about his mom at first b/c she was hoping to go there and "get advice" on how to keep him sober - ugh. They seem to enjoy it, but OMG!!!! His mom will NOT stop asking me if I'm going, questioning me about my plans... I keep putting her off. She started talking to my other family members about how I need to go. She started asking my husband if I'm going. Tonight she called and informed my that she is worried he won't be able to stay sober if I don't change my "reactions" to him. GAAAAAH. I have lived in the face of this disease that his family has, frankly, skirted around FOREVER. He was drunk at our wedding, for crying out loud. I GET IT.
When I go to Alanon, it will be 100% about my own recovery, not to keep her son sober. She has no idea what living in my house is like. She wants me to change my reactions to him b/c she is so worried about her 40 year old baby boy. WHO CARES ABOUT ME? Oh yeah, me.
Anyway, a vent.... looking for similar family hijinks, I guess.
Love to all,
L,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by worried72 
Tonight she called and informed my that she is worried he won't be able to stay sober if I don't change my "reactions" to him.
When I go to Alanon, it will be 100% about my own recovery, not to keep her son sober.
L,
Step 1 basics in my opinion...she might just have not admitted to herself that everyone is powerless to his alcholism.
Good luck!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Hate so much that everyone is at odds and tense during this time ~ it seems that when our alcoholic/addict loved ones are at their worse is when we should really be at our recovery best so that we can take care of ourselves -
I just wanted to share something with you that is in the "How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends" book. . . thought this might help you . . .
It's from Chapter 8 The Twelve Steps, Step One page 45 . . .
Whether or not we live with active drinking, life is unmanageable whenever we lose perpsective about what is and is not our responsibility. We take offense at actions that have nothing to do with us. Or we intervene where it is inappropriate and neglect our legitimate obligations to ourselves and others. Our misplaced concern for others becomes intrusive, meddling, and resented, and doomed to failure. Instead of helping those we care about, we demonstrate a lack of respect for them and create discord in our relationships.
Your mother-in-law is doing what us untreated Al-Anon's do . . .just like your husband has done what alcoholics do. . .
Believe me I AM NOT TAKING UP FOR HER . . . just trying to help you get an insight to her behavior - she has not reached a place of healing in her recovery yet ~
so just as you had to allow your AH to walk his own path of recovery, set boundaries and take care of YOU; may I suggest you do the same with her ~
You are well within your rights to let her know you are working on your own recovery at your own pace but thanks for her concern ~ as for what she says to others, remember what other people think of us is NONE of our business.
My now ex in-laws were convinced I refused to give my ex any money because I was hateful and stingy - ha ha ha - we all know my an A doesn't have any money - they spent it all on alcohol & drugs - has nothing to do with us!! I barely had enough money to feed the kids!
Anyway - just wanted to give you some support and let you know that it's ok to take care of you; try not to allow her to affect your recovery and prayerfully as she continues to grow in her own recovery ~ the principles of the program will help her to see how she can truly have peace in her own life and allow others to walk their own paths.
PINK HUGS,
Rita
I just wanted to share something with you that is in the "How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends" book. . . thought this might help you . . .
It's from Chapter 8 The Twelve Steps, Step One page 45 . . .
Whether or not we live with active drinking, life is unmanageable whenever we lose perpsective about what is and is not our responsibility. We take offense at actions that have nothing to do with us. Or we intervene where it is inappropriate and neglect our legitimate obligations to ourselves and others. Our misplaced concern for others becomes intrusive, meddling, and resented, and doomed to failure. Instead of helping those we care about, we demonstrate a lack of respect for them and create discord in our relationships.
Your mother-in-law is doing what us untreated Al-Anon's do . . .just like your husband has done what alcoholics do. . .
Believe me I AM NOT TAKING UP FOR HER . . . just trying to help you get an insight to her behavior - she has not reached a place of healing in her recovery yet ~
so just as you had to allow your AH to walk his own path of recovery, set boundaries and take care of YOU; may I suggest you do the same with her ~
You are well within your rights to let her know you are working on your own recovery at your own pace but thanks for her concern ~ as for what she says to others, remember what other people think of us is NONE of our business.
My now ex in-laws were convinced I refused to give my ex any money because I was hateful and stingy - ha ha ha - we all know my an A doesn't have any money - they spent it all on alcohol & drugs - has nothing to do with us!! I barely had enough money to feed the kids!
Anyway - just wanted to give you some support and let you know that it's ok to take care of you; try not to allow her to affect your recovery and prayerfully as she continues to grow in her own recovery ~ the principles of the program will help her to see how she can truly have peace in her own life and allow others to walk their own paths.
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 25
Thanks for all the replies so far. They are much appreciated 
I feel better today, but need to work on how mad I feel lately when I see her name on the caller I.D.
There is love there, they even paid a large chunk of his treatment cost. My DH and I need to work on letting go of the "obligated" feelings that come with the financial support, though. Ugh.
Have a great day, y'all!!
Peace.
L.
I feel better today, but need to work on how mad I feel lately when I see her name on the caller I.D.
There is love there, they even paid a large chunk of his treatment cost. My DH and I need to work on letting go of the "obligated" feelings that come with the financial support, though. Ugh.
Have a great day, y'all!!
Peace.
L.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 25
I ended up calling the family therapist from the inpatient program. I love her. Anyway, I was still feeling lousy about my conversation with MIL... she reassured me (which is what I wanted) that I am not crazy, and really reiterated what you all have said. She (my MIL) just touched on my own fears. You know, that little voice that says "if only you were a better.... then we would not be in this place. UGH. Guess I am more scared than I thought.
So, ALANON, here I come. For me, though....
Peace,
L.
So, ALANON, here I come. For me, though....
Peace,
L.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I have to hijack for a moment with an an interesting situation I found myself in last night. The girls' Dad (not my RAH) called when he got D14's report card in the mail and let me tell you - he went through the roof. It wasn't great, but she did pass the first semester of 9th grade. Barely. But I digress...
He went off on ME...telling me what I should and shouldn't do about this. AT first I slipped into super-rational-justification mode, my old familiar MO. Then it hit me. This is his emotions, his anxiety, not mine. I had already come to terms with my daughter not being the academic one. She likes school but hates studying. I can't control her in that regard, so I am satisfied she passed. So then I switched tactics and began the "okay's" and "uhh-hhh's" and "mmm-hmmm's". It was awesome! Took 15 minutes for him to get his say done, but when he did, he was much more calm and reasonable. And all the while, I was flipping through a magazine.
Worked like a charm. Try it next time. Don't take it personally, just agree with it all vaguely and let your MIL spew. Then wish her a great day and hang up. And then go focus on yourself! ; )
Wish I had known how to detach like this long ago....
He went off on ME...telling me what I should and shouldn't do about this. AT first I slipped into super-rational-justification mode, my old familiar MO. Then it hit me. This is his emotions, his anxiety, not mine. I had already come to terms with my daughter not being the academic one. She likes school but hates studying. I can't control her in that regard, so I am satisfied she passed. So then I switched tactics and began the "okay's" and "uhh-hhh's" and "mmm-hmmm's". It was awesome! Took 15 minutes for him to get his say done, but when he did, he was much more calm and reasonable. And all the while, I was flipping through a magazine.
Worked like a charm. Try it next time. Don't take it personally, just agree with it all vaguely and let your MIL spew. Then wish her a great day and hang up. And then go focus on yourself! ; )
Wish I had known how to detach like this long ago....
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
we are NOT allowed to take others inventory...and this is one idea where you are...stop focusing on her and her recovery and how she is doing....everyone takes time in their own recovery...
focus on yours...look in the Melody Beattie book and find that topic of detaching...this is one area to detach from....
focus on yours...look in the Melody Beattie book and find that topic of detaching...this is one area to detach from....
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