Acceptance of Self
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Acceptance of Self
With the dawning of another new year, darkness and cold weather sapping my motivation to get outside, I've dug out my books about discovering the shadow once again. This "shadow work" had been an ongoing process for me over the last couple of years. It's difficult stuff, and I find myself working on it for a few weeks at a time, then putting it away for a few months before I can face returning to it again.
We talk a lot about acceptance on this forum, but generally when we do, we are concerned with accepting others (specifically, the alcoholics in our lives). While acceptance of others is extremely important if we want to find peace in our lives, I would like to discuss acceptance of self.
In my own life, I have found acceptance of self to be a very difficult thing to achieve. I believe part of the reason is, being an ACOA, I developed the trait of perfectionism. I really cannot stand those parts of me that aren't perfect. Okay, that's actually all of me, right? Yikes! The voices in my head tell me to do things that might not be in my best interests because it's what I "should" do. They also stop me from doing some things I want because those are things I "shouldn't" do. Now, I'm not talking about conscience here. The part of us that knows right from wrong and keeps us from becoming theives or murderers. I'm talking about the voices that dismiss what our gut is telling us because it might "look bad" or because it seems "crazy."
So, this morning, when I got up to shower, I looked out the bathroom window and saw the beautiful, bright, almost-full moon peeking through the bare tree branches in my back yard. I so wanted to photograph it. But, the voices in my head started in. "It's freezing cold out there." "You should be getting ready for work." "You're not dressed yet, what if someone sees you?" But I ignored the voices and went out in the back yard in my bathrobe with my camera and shot the moon! Crazy? Maybe, but I'm so glad I did it! My mood today is better for it, and I know I would have regretted it if I hadn't.
This is a very small example of what I'm talking about, but it's still significant. If I can ignore those nasty, petulant voices in my head regarding little things, I can learn to ignore them when the stakes are higher. And, eventually, I hope to bring all those bits of shadow out into the light and examine them. Then they will lose their power over me. I really want to be able to accept myself, wholly and completely. Even the parts I don't particularly like or fear others won't like.
Anybody else have any examples of self-acceptance or ways to work toward it?
L
We talk a lot about acceptance on this forum, but generally when we do, we are concerned with accepting others (specifically, the alcoholics in our lives). While acceptance of others is extremely important if we want to find peace in our lives, I would like to discuss acceptance of self.
In my own life, I have found acceptance of self to be a very difficult thing to achieve. I believe part of the reason is, being an ACOA, I developed the trait of perfectionism. I really cannot stand those parts of me that aren't perfect. Okay, that's actually all of me, right? Yikes! The voices in my head tell me to do things that might not be in my best interests because it's what I "should" do. They also stop me from doing some things I want because those are things I "shouldn't" do. Now, I'm not talking about conscience here. The part of us that knows right from wrong and keeps us from becoming theives or murderers. I'm talking about the voices that dismiss what our gut is telling us because it might "look bad" or because it seems "crazy."
So, this morning, when I got up to shower, I looked out the bathroom window and saw the beautiful, bright, almost-full moon peeking through the bare tree branches in my back yard. I so wanted to photograph it. But, the voices in my head started in. "It's freezing cold out there." "You should be getting ready for work." "You're not dressed yet, what if someone sees you?" But I ignored the voices and went out in the back yard in my bathrobe with my camera and shot the moon! Crazy? Maybe, but I'm so glad I did it! My mood today is better for it, and I know I would have regretted it if I hadn't.
This is a very small example of what I'm talking about, but it's still significant. If I can ignore those nasty, petulant voices in my head regarding little things, I can learn to ignore them when the stakes are higher. And, eventually, I hope to bring all those bits of shadow out into the light and examine them. Then they will lose their power over me. I really want to be able to accept myself, wholly and completely. Even the parts I don't particularly like or fear others won't like.
Anybody else have any examples of self-acceptance or ways to work toward it?
L
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Thanks, LTD. SO beautifully said. And wasn't the full moon pretty this month? I only got to see it twice because of clouds, but it was amazingly clear and gorgeous on the two nights it was clear up here.
I have worked for over a year accepting myself and my choices. I can't tell you how many times I went round and round, beating myself up over "ending up marrying an alcoholic" after being so careful and choosy the second time around. People would say I needed to find forgiveness and I always assumed it meant toward my RAH and then one day, in a therapy session, it was pointed out to me that the forgiveness I needed was for myself.
I am not an ACoA, but I do lean toward perfectionism. I think for me it was atonement for being a wild teenager. And then mental illness changed the dynamics of my family, so I felt even more pressure to be the perfect one. My situation felt like a huge failure to my kids, and my family of origin.
And then I realized there is worth here - value in my journey. By turning it around and finding the positive in it all, I was able to forgive myself and my choices and feel good about it all. That is taught me something, not that it was all a waste of time. And when I found that, I was able to find forgiveness for my husband too and begin to see things from a different perspective...not just my own narrow minded views.
It opened my mind to accept myself in all my imperfections. To stop caring so much about things I couldn't control. Doing the best I can and feeling good about it. By embracing that, I was then able to see others doing the same thing, and accept them for it.
I am a much happier and content person today because of my journey through loving an alcoholic. For that, I am no longer ashamed, but very, very grateful.
P.S. So are you going to post your moon picture?! ; )
P.P.S. your avatar...I get lost in my picture of it! It is so nice to gaze into and dream.
I have worked for over a year accepting myself and my choices. I can't tell you how many times I went round and round, beating myself up over "ending up marrying an alcoholic" after being so careful and choosy the second time around. People would say I needed to find forgiveness and I always assumed it meant toward my RAH and then one day, in a therapy session, it was pointed out to me that the forgiveness I needed was for myself.
I am not an ACoA, but I do lean toward perfectionism. I think for me it was atonement for being a wild teenager. And then mental illness changed the dynamics of my family, so I felt even more pressure to be the perfect one. My situation felt like a huge failure to my kids, and my family of origin.
And then I realized there is worth here - value in my journey. By turning it around and finding the positive in it all, I was able to forgive myself and my choices and feel good about it all. That is taught me something, not that it was all a waste of time. And when I found that, I was able to find forgiveness for my husband too and begin to see things from a different perspective...not just my own narrow minded views.
It opened my mind to accept myself in all my imperfections. To stop caring so much about things I couldn't control. Doing the best I can and feeling good about it. By embracing that, I was then able to see others doing the same thing, and accept them for it.
I am a much happier and content person today because of my journey through loving an alcoholic. For that, I am no longer ashamed, but very, very grateful.
P.S. So are you going to post your moon picture?! ; )
P.P.S. your avatar...I get lost in my picture of it! It is so nice to gaze into and dream.
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I've been dealing with acceptance and self love for a long time. Here are a few things that help me.
1. Compare yourself to yourself. It's one way of seeing how much you've grown.
2. Write about all the things that are good about you.
3. Compile a gratitude list (I start: thank you for my life, my health, my mind....). You don't have to FEEL grateful, but you will after doing the list.
1. Compare yourself to yourself. It's one way of seeing how much you've grown.
2. Write about all the things that are good about you.
3. Compile a gratitude list (I start: thank you for my life, my health, my mind....). You don't have to FEEL grateful, but you will after doing the list.
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My biggest monkey right now is that I have always been in shape, coached track, led nature hikes, worked out 6-7 days a week, eaten über-healthy...
...but since I left AXH, I've chosen to focus most of my free time on my children's and my mental health. It's been a conscious (and, I believe wise) choice - but I have that voice telling me I SHOULD be going to the gym, going for a run, rein in my diet, lose the weight I've put on.
Working on it. Still fighting the feeling that It's a moral failure to not be able to do everything at once...
...but since I left AXH, I've chosen to focus most of my free time on my children's and my mental health. It's been a conscious (and, I believe wise) choice - but I have that voice telling me I SHOULD be going to the gym, going for a run, rein in my diet, lose the weight I've put on.
Working on it. Still fighting the feeling that It's a moral failure to not be able to do everything at once...
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Originally Posted by lillamy 
Still fighting the feeling that It's a moral failure to not be able to do everything at once...
See, I've worked on recovery for over six years now. I have no problem with gratitude. I make time for it every morning before I get up and every night before I go to bed. I've learned how to appreciate what's good in my life, and that includes the things that are good in me. (Or at least perceived as "good" by me.)
The difficulty is in accepting the stuff that's not so good (or perceived as not so "good"). It seems that I have forgiven myself for mistakes I've made in the past, but still have a problem with allowing that I may continue to make new mistakes. I should have it figured out by now, yada yada yada. It's not that hard to accept that I am a flawed human being, it's just hard to accept that I always will be.
L
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L, good post. I am working the same issues. I too am an ACOA. My recovery is strong and I feel really good when it comes to dealing with the crap around my AW. But lately I've had things from my childhood popping up and I have realized I have a whole different set of issues to deal with there. Things like guilt and safety and lack of trust. Things that don't have anything to do with my AW other than why I got involved with her.
So, last night I went to my first ACA meeting. I really liked it. We are looking at the same things but looking at them from the perspective of how alcoholism affected our childhood and the defense mechanisms we built to cope with the dysfunctional family.
I've only been to one meeting so far but I know I will keep coming back. The book we are working from is "12 Steps to Self-Parenting" which can be purchased on line.
I found some really good info in the ACOA forum here which I just started reading this week.
Your friend,
So, last night I went to my first ACA meeting. I really liked it. We are looking at the same things but looking at them from the perspective of how alcoholism affected our childhood and the defense mechanisms we built to cope with the dysfunctional family.
I've only been to one meeting so far but I know I will keep coming back. The book we are working from is "12 Steps to Self-Parenting" which can be purchased on line.
I found some really good info in the ACOA forum here which I just started reading this week.
Your friend,
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Thanks LTD for this thread, I continue to make the SAME mistakes and playing out self boycott (I should have it figured out by now, yadda yadda!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!)
In the art course I take we watch short documentaries about artists... one of them was saying "I am contrast, I am struggle, I am all kinds of perversions" and it was very honest and refreshing to see him turning that into artistic form instead of trying to change it or hide or worry and obsess with somehow becoming "clean"... I was thinking yesterday "perhaps X and Y trait are mine and will continue to be and I can accept them and continue living my day regardless"
Please share the titles of the books you are reading...
I bought a used copy of "Loving relationships" by Sandra Ray and am liking its simplicity so far... will share some excerpts in another thread...
Thanks for sharing LTD! looking forward to see the Moon pic!
In the art course I take we watch short documentaries about artists... one of them was saying "I am contrast, I am struggle, I am all kinds of perversions" and it was very honest and refreshing to see him turning that into artistic form instead of trying to change it or hide or worry and obsess with somehow becoming "clean"... I was thinking yesterday "perhaps X and Y trait are mine and will continue to be and I can accept them and continue living my day regardless"
Please share the titles of the books you are reading...
I bought a used copy of "Loving relationships" by Sandra Ray and am liking its simplicity so far... will share some excerpts in another thread...
Thanks for sharing LTD! looking forward to see the Moon pic!
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Hiya TC. I was hoping you would add your insight to this thread. The art connection is one that resonates with me. Thank you.
Here is the book I started with a couple years ago. (I'm a little over half through it, lol.)
http://www.amazon.com/Meeting-Shadow.../dp/087477618X
And this is the one I got in my stocking for Christmas, after mentioning it to "Santa" many months ago.
Amazon.com: The Shadow Effect: Illuminating the Hidden Power of Your True Self (9780061962653): Deepak Chopra, Marianne Williamson, Debbie Ford: Books
The second one is a much easier read, and I've already finished it. The first is more difficult and complex and makes me think a lot. That's why I'm still struggling my way through it.
L
Here is the book I started with a couple years ago. (I'm a little over half through it, lol.)
http://www.amazon.com/Meeting-Shadow.../dp/087477618X
And this is the one I got in my stocking for Christmas, after mentioning it to "Santa" many months ago.
Amazon.com: The Shadow Effect: Illuminating the Hidden Power of Your True Self (9780061962653): Deepak Chopra, Marianne Williamson, Debbie Ford: Books
The second one is a much easier read, and I've already finished it. The first is more difficult and complex and makes me think a lot. That's why I'm still struggling my way through it.
L
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This is a great post.
I am working on acceptance in my daily life and continue to struggle with that. I especially seem to struggle about the "small" things like doing the dishes or reading, etc. I get a lot of shoulds about those types of things, and as a result struggle to have fun and just kind of set myself free.
What has really helped me with this has been the type of therapy that I do. It is called Hakomi and it is a Hopi word that means "In touch with all the realms." It has been amazingly powerful for me, and it has helped me to see that many of my "beliefs" established in childhood have little basis in my reality (now or then), but more importantly have done me harm. Often the therapy brings me out of my head, and into my body which is always helpful for me. It is kind of like opening the wound, cleaning it out, so then it can heal.
At times it can be intense, and honestly at times I don't always like it. It has always helped move stuff though....stuff that can be down right frigtening until brought into the light of day.
Al-anon has helped with the gratitude side of things, and just not feeling so alone.
Meditation and mindfullness has helped too.
I feel like I am a big scale, more happy, fullfilled and balanced. I continue to struggle with that small, mundane stuff that is in our life which continues to have a lot of shoulds.
I am working on acceptance in my daily life and continue to struggle with that. I especially seem to struggle about the "small" things like doing the dishes or reading, etc. I get a lot of shoulds about those types of things, and as a result struggle to have fun and just kind of set myself free.
What has really helped me with this has been the type of therapy that I do. It is called Hakomi and it is a Hopi word that means "In touch with all the realms." It has been amazingly powerful for me, and it has helped me to see that many of my "beliefs" established in childhood have little basis in my reality (now or then), but more importantly have done me harm. Often the therapy brings me out of my head, and into my body which is always helpful for me. It is kind of like opening the wound, cleaning it out, so then it can heal.
At times it can be intense, and honestly at times I don't always like it. It has always helped move stuff though....stuff that can be down right frigtening until brought into the light of day.
Al-anon has helped with the gratitude side of things, and just not feeling so alone.
Meditation and mindfullness has helped too.
I feel like I am a big scale, more happy, fullfilled and balanced. I continue to struggle with that small, mundane stuff that is in our life which continues to have a lot of shoulds.
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
It's not that hard to accept that I am a flawed human being, it's just hard to accept that I always will be.
L
L
My therapist thinks I am ADHD-PI (its like ADD without the hyperactive part. The PI stands for predominantly inattentive). I might be.
What stands out to me is that I AM that way. I can be stressed or down on myself or struggling to change or overcome or something, but the truth is, that is one of my flaws.
My work is to accept and create work arounds to function in the world. Not to magically stop being that way.
I've done better lately.
And you know what? The more I accept it, the less I am that way! My stress uber-exaserbates the issues!
I get to <3 the flaws, too.
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I know its true for me, and I'm pretty sure I've seen the same thing in others: Usually we worry about people having too much ego. In Al-Anon, I think many of us suffer from low self esteem. It's a form of fear really. I think we feel that if we stand up we'll get knocked down again and our standuppityness is stunted.
(I'm maybe stretching here): I recently read the book "Everyday Zen," and the author talked about our spiritual practice being a process of "polishing the mirror." We look at ourselves in the mirror and all we really see are all the "defects of character." But as we continue to "polish the mirror," (prayer, introspection, Step-work?) we begin to see our "real" selves.
I have to work on accepting my "real" self, the one that is under all my character defects.
I remember the poem that the dying samurai in "The Last Samurai" wrote. Early in the movie (speaking of cherry blossoms) he says:
"The perfect blossom is a rare thing. You could spend your life looking for one, and it would not be a wasted life."
But as he is dying (and the Japanese believe that you may achieve enlightenment at the moment of death) he says: "Perfect. They are...all...perfect!"
I think that's how we are. We are all flawed, deeply flawed, but underneath our flaws...we are all perfect.
(I'm maybe stretching here): I recently read the book "Everyday Zen," and the author talked about our spiritual practice being a process of "polishing the mirror." We look at ourselves in the mirror and all we really see are all the "defects of character." But as we continue to "polish the mirror," (prayer, introspection, Step-work?) we begin to see our "real" selves.
I have to work on accepting my "real" self, the one that is under all my character defects.
I remember the poem that the dying samurai in "The Last Samurai" wrote. Early in the movie (speaking of cherry blossoms) he says:
"The perfect blossom is a rare thing. You could spend your life looking for one, and it would not be a wasted life."
But as he is dying (and the Japanese believe that you may achieve enlightenment at the moment of death) he says: "Perfect. They are...all...perfect!"
I think that's how we are. We are all flawed, deeply flawed, but underneath our flaws...we are all perfect.
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Matt that's so true, my cat Gabanna taught me that today, very fearful and nervous when nothing wrong is going on.. reminded me of my own attitude towards life... just afraid of the next huge catastrophe, that is a psychological trap- nothing every could possibly be OK, and success in anything at all is an impossibility. Very very sad attitude and very deep rooted belief I have.
The other day I was among some female coworkers and they were not the smartest or prettiest or whatever (although it was obvious they have money) and the self assured way they conducted themselves was surprising to me, I wonder if someone with NO self esteem can behave like anyone else who grew up with a notion of self worth. I don't seem to know any examples IRL.
Anyway what I wanted to mention was that the "real self" idea reminded me of the Buddhist's term "Original face". "What is your original face, before you were born?" or something like that -sorry am half asleep- ... a favorite mantra when I am again feeling "less-than"...
"what is your original face?"
The other day I was among some female coworkers and they were not the smartest or prettiest or whatever (although it was obvious they have money) and the self assured way they conducted themselves was surprising to me, I wonder if someone with NO self esteem can behave like anyone else who grew up with a notion of self worth. I don't seem to know any examples IRL.
Anyway what I wanted to mention was that the "real self" idea reminded me of the Buddhist's term "Original face". "What is your original face, before you were born?" or something like that -sorry am half asleep- ... a favorite mantra when I am again feeling "less-than"...
"what is your original face?"
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Thank you so much for this thread. I really needed it today.
And thank God for kindle I bought few months ago, so The Shadow effect is downloading to it, as I'm writing. Can't wait so start reading.
Since you said this one is much easier to read, I thought I'll start with this one.
Few things said in this thread really resonate with me
-"Still fighting the feeling that It's a moral failure to not be able to do everything at once..." thanks lilamy, that really nails it with me
and also what LTD said:
- "It seems that I have forgiven myself for mistakes I've made in the past, but still have a problem with allowing that I may continue to make new mistakes." - I guess it shows another of my missconceptions of recovery, I slipped into thinking that now I should be perfect. Keep forgetting: work in progress for ever.
You're given me so much to think about, as reading this I realized this is something I've been struggling with lately, without even realizing the nature of my problem, I was feeling bad about myself, but felt stuck to do anything about it. You have added a new perspective and thank you so much for it.
Acctually I was feeling so bad yesterday, worn out with thoughts that no matter how much I keep trying I'm never good enough... so much it gave the headache and I couldn't get up from the bed all day long. And this morning I made myself a coffee and came to SR, and this is the first thread I opened to read. Well, thank you HP.
And thank God for kindle I bought few months ago, so The Shadow effect is downloading to it, as I'm writing. Can't wait so start reading.
Since you said this one is much easier to read, I thought I'll start with this one.
Few things said in this thread really resonate with me
-"Still fighting the feeling that It's a moral failure to not be able to do everything at once..." thanks lilamy, that really nails it with me
and also what LTD said:
- "It seems that I have forgiven myself for mistakes I've made in the past, but still have a problem with allowing that I may continue to make new mistakes." - I guess it shows another of my missconceptions of recovery, I slipped into thinking that now I should be perfect. Keep forgetting: work in progress for ever.
You're given me so much to think about, as reading this I realized this is something I've been struggling with lately, without even realizing the nature of my problem, I was feeling bad about myself, but felt stuck to do anything about it. You have added a new perspective and thank you so much for it.
Acctually I was feeling so bad yesterday, worn out with thoughts that no matter how much I keep trying I'm never good enough... so much it gave the headache and I couldn't get up from the bed all day long. And this morning I made myself a coffee and came to SR, and this is the first thread I opened to read.
Well, thank you HP. Member
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Another perfectionalism here with the same ideas. I have frustration over not getting it and making the same mystakes. I feel like I should just able to do things right this time, and that i've have plenty of time to learn . I find myself planner everying, and figure that is my codie self trying to fix the world. I think that I'm going to attempt to cut down abit on the planning and that I can practice letting. go.
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Originally Posted by mattmathews
I remember the poem that the dying samurai in "The Last Samurai" wrote. Early in the movie (speaking of cherry blossoms) he says:
"The perfect blossom is a rare thing. You could spend your life looking for one, and it would not be a wasted life."
But as he is dying (and the Japanese believe that you may achieve enlightenment at the moment of death) he says: "Perfect. They are...all...perfect!"
I think that's how we are. We are all flawed, deeply flawed, but underneath our flaws...we are all perfect.
"The perfect blossom is a rare thing. You could spend your life looking for one, and it would not be a wasted life."
But as he is dying (and the Japanese believe that you may achieve enlightenment at the moment of death) he says: "Perfect. They are...all...perfect!"
I think that's how we are. We are all flawed, deeply flawed, but underneath our flaws...we are all perfect.
The other day I was looking through some old high school pictures. The first thing I thought was how extremely beautiful we all were. But than I remembered how I never used to think that back than. Instead I thought someone has a big nose or whatever, I just saw flaws in myself and others. I am amazed with the difference of what I'm seeing now and back than in the same images.
While nothing really changed but perspective.
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Thank you so much for your responses everyone. It is really encouraging and gratifying to know that so many of you share with me the desire for personal growth, even after the storm of alcoholism has begun to clear from our lives.
LifeRecovery--I googled Hakomi and alas, there is nobody near me who offers it. Can you recommend any reading materials or websites? Or is it something you must do in person? (I note the word "experiential" in much of the material, so maybe there is only so much you can learn by reading about it.)
Thanks again. I believe this is an important and helpful topic. I hope everyone will keep sharing about it.
L
LifeRecovery--I googled Hakomi and alas, there is nobody near me who offers it. Can you recommend any reading materials or websites? Or is it something you must do in person? (I note the word "experiential" in much of the material, so maybe there is only so much you can learn by reading about it.)
Thanks again. I believe this is an important and helpful topic. I hope everyone will keep sharing about it.
L
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LaTeeDa-
I don't know if it is something you can do not in person. I do it over the phone on occasion with my therapist....but we are established and she knows me well.
The main center is in Boulder, CO and I have learned a lot from their website over the years. There are other similar type therapies I think...or that least incorportate a componant to it...somatic pyschology I believe does, and I am sure there are others. They might be able to help you more.
I have to be honest I have learned so much from it that I am taking a two year training in it for myself to get certified (I am not a therapist for work). I feel like I need to say that because I need to be upfront because if not it might be a conflict of interest. Like how Al-anon has helped me with more than just my recovery from life living with someone who is an alcoholic, Hakomi has expanded my horizons in all my life. I have my training this weekend and I can ask my trainers and fellow students for you and get back to you. I will also ask what the names are of other similar methods.
I have a lot of reading for the training, but I am not sure it would help you as an individual, let me look through them and get back to you.
I don't know if it is something you can do not in person. I do it over the phone on occasion with my therapist....but we are established and she knows me well.
The main center is in Boulder, CO and I have learned a lot from their website over the years. There are other similar type therapies I think...or that least incorportate a componant to it...somatic pyschology I believe does, and I am sure there are others. They might be able to help you more.
I have to be honest I have learned so much from it that I am taking a two year training in it for myself to get certified (I am not a therapist for work). I feel like I need to say that because I need to be upfront because if not it might be a conflict of interest. Like how Al-anon has helped me with more than just my recovery from life living with someone who is an alcoholic, Hakomi has expanded my horizons in all my life. I have my training this weekend and I can ask my trainers and fellow students for you and get back to you. I will also ask what the names are of other similar methods.
I have a lot of reading for the training, but I am not sure it would help you as an individual, let me look through them and get back to you.
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