Justconfused

My husband is stealing my adderall and this isn't the first problem we have a problem like this. Every since we have been married, he has had to have something. At first, it was alcohol. If it was in the house, he had to have it. We fought about it, and that was it. I didn't connect it to the fact that he was taking my pain medicine. I didn't ever take them, so to me, they were just in the cabinet for when I did need them. Then I did need them, and they were gone. I also know of times where he had bought them from his friends. Each time he gave me some excuse and I've never really thought about it. I am now, because he has been taking my adderall for months now. Each time, he has owned up to it when I asked, but not before. Recently, some went missing, and when I asked, he said he didn't do it. But I know for a fact he did. I feel like it's my fault (with the adderall) because I allowed him to have them before. I honestly didn't think it was a good idea, but I didn't know how to tell my husband no. I also at that time didn't think he had a problem either. I have asked his best friend to talk to him, and he got mad. Basically told his friend that I over exaggerate. I have talked to some of his family, and they suggest couseling. I think counseling won't do any good if he doesn't think he has a problem. When I talk to him about it, he says he feels sorry for me in the fact that I believe everyone is out to get me. (he is basically using things I talk to my psych-therapist about) I don't know what to do. He is obviously going through some with draws now because he is moody. One minute he is ok, and the next, he is mad about something from work. I even think it's affecting his work. His boss recently said something to him, because he was a complete jerk for the whole weekend, but he didn't go into detail about it with me. He seems closed up, and he wants to sleep, a lot!! Like I said, I need advice on what I can do to help him. I love him dearly, but his judgement is becoming poor. He is our way of income, but it's as if he doesn't think of that when he taking medication to work and were to get fired. Recently, while I was away taking care of his grandmother, he was with our kids for the weekend and when I came home, I found the new bottle of Theraflu nighttime (which I bought for his sick brother) and it had more than one dose taken out of it. I also found a liter of vodka, with 2/3 gone. I was only gone one night, and he wasn't sick so there was no reason for him to be taking it. I don't understand why anyone would drink or take cough syrup while your the only one to care for your children. I feel like I'm basically ranting here...But I need advice. It's affecting our marriage greatly, and I just want to help him, and get out marriage on track.

Tuffgirl

Well said, aboveit. Addictions are powerful. More powerful than logic and reason...like maybe you actually need your Adderall and if he takes it all you won't be able to function well yourself. My husband often said addictions defy all else and protect their perimeter to the bitter end.

First of all, I suppose I would hide it or keep it on me if my husband was taking my meds without my knowledge or permission. But the real question is probably "what is the next step for you?" in dealing with this situation. DO you have support available to you face-to-face? Al-Anon/Nar-Anon groups nearby?

And welcome to SR. Keep reading here; there is a ton of resources, wisdom, and knowledge here as well.

laurie6781

Put your adderall and any pain meds in a 'hidden safe place' preferrably one that you can wipe your finger prints off of.

Use some throw a way gloves if need be. Then the next time you go to check again very gingerly use the gloves (so as not to smear any fingerprints there). When you go to get your medication, and some is missing, CALL THE POLICE, tell them your legal prescriptions are being stolen, you believe it to be AH and could they please come and take a report and test for the fingerprints.

No getting him arrested cannot cause you any guilt as this would just be a consequence of HIS ACTIONS.

If he stole from anyone else, they would report it.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Justconfused

Thanks everyone for your advice.

tuffgirl-I'm sure there are some help groups around, we do live just outside of a large city. But the problem with that is, he doesn't think he has a problem. He tells me there isn't a problem, besides the ones I make up in my head...it's a tough situation. I've let him munipulate me and make me feel certain ways for so long, it's hard to keep telling myself that I am right. That's why I've turned to here.

laurie6781-I have definitely thought of something like this. I thought about tipping off his job that he was taking amphetamines not prescribed to him, but that would just be hurting my family too. He works and I stay home with the kids. But honestly, what is the difference? At any moment his job could find out without me saying anything at all and we would still be in the same situation...

I was raised in a way that going through tough situations, was what made you into a good person, makes you a stronger person and you were supposed to take the tough stuff with everything you had, and not back down. As for him, he was raised with his mom doing everything for him. He didn't have to lift a finger if he didn't feel like it. There weren't any tough things for him to go through, his mom didn't allow for there to be. So therefor, he doesn't see a problem, so it doesn't exist.

The more I talk about it to other people, whom don't know me personally, and get it out in the open, I tend to catch myself laughing because I feel like I married a child. A child that is hard headed and doesn't want to admit/apologize and give back the toy he stole. I know that sounds rediculous. Maybe I should just treat him like a child, and punish him? Tell me if that is stupid. It sounds pretty stupid to me....

I would love to hear more! This is all helping, for me just to get it out there, and see other's opinions.

EnglishGarden

Hello justconfused,

The definition of addiction is "loss of control"

This means your husband will not be able to control how much he drinks or drugs, when he drinks or drugs, or even where he drinks or drugs. When addiction controls him, it controls him.

So he won't be able to keep any promises he makes to you or any commitments about staying sober while he's at work or taking care of the kids.

The best thing you can do right now is begin your recovery from the family disease of addiction by going to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, educating yourself like an expert on addiction, and getting counseling for you and your children if they are willing.

He will keep betraying you, until he is ready to stop using. He might stop using one day, and if you can step aside and let him fall flat on his face again and again when he uses, the chances of recovery are improved.

Have you read all the sticky's at the top of the page? They will start you on the right track to changing your life.

Wishing for you a healthy life.

outtolunch

Think you are onto something, here. Difference is that one can usually protect and control a young child. Not so with an adult child.

Take some time and consider what's acceptable to you and create some boundaries. Are you OK being in a relationship with someone in active and progressive addiction? Boundaries begin with " I will/ will not...." not to be confused with attempts to control someone else which usually begin with " you will/ will not....or else". Attempts to control other people do not work.

darthritis

oh man This makes me feel guilty. for years i'd steal my brothers dexies (used to treat add, similar to adderall) when i'd run out of my own. I think the moment you start realising you have a problem is sneaking into your parents room to get drugs that they've hidden from you. Unfortunately when you're ashamed of your behaviour and dont want to face the reality that you might have a problem its very hard to own up.

Mustad

I am in the process of dealing with the possibility that I am addicted to adderall. This is my first time here. God bless you gal, he is blessed to have someone who loves him enough to help him hopefully beat it.

becky1982

I know just how you feel. My husband would always make me feel crazy when I would confront him about him having a problem. Everything I was seeing made it obvious, but his words glossed me over, until sh** hit the fan one day, and he finally broke down. His use was far worse than i imagined or suspected. Full fledged opiate addiction. And he was always drinking cough syrup.

Punishing him will not work. Boundaries might. Protect yourself and your children first.

Justconfused

Again thanks everyone for all of your responses. I finally broke down to him one night after I was away caring for his grandmother. He was upset with me, because before I left, I casually arranged for my mom to babysit our kids because I couldn't trust him alone with our children. While I was gone, I called him to talk to him, because I knew if I did it in face to face, things would just lead to an arguement, and nothing would get accomplished. When I called him, I just told him that I was on the edge of having a mental/physical/emotional breakdown. I told him that I was dealing with the conflict of taking my own medication or not. I wanted to take it because I knew it was making me better, and that was best for my family and myself. At the same time, I wanted to quit it because if it wasn't in the house, he couldn't steal it from me. But I felt that he would just turn to something else. I told him that I honestly believed he had an addictive personality and he needed some help, but I would never make him go through it alone. He sounded really sincere, like he hadn't heard anything I had said to him before this. Probably because he wasn't sober before this, and I hadn't done anything to show him I was through with ignoring his problem. After I came home, we researched marriage counseling and are planning to attend after this month. (this month he is completely tied up with his job, due to tax season) Along with marriage counseling, he is going to attend personal counseling for himself to talk about his addictive personality. He has researched ways to help him outside of counseling. So I honestly believe that he is awake to what he has done. Every since that night, he is the person I fell in love with. He is kinder towards me. Family can even tell he is different, the ones who didn't even know what was going on have come to me and said, he seems happier. I'm not sure why everything clicked now, but I really don't care, just glad that it did. Trust me, I'm on him about keeping his promises too.

Justconfused

Well, I spoke too soon. I went to stay with his grandmother again this weekend, and while I was gone, I found out that he had his brother and friend (which I knew was coming) over and was drinking while he was supposed to be caring for our son. He didn't do anything to neglect him, it was the point that I told him that was irresponsible and he promised me last weekend he would seek help for his problem(s) and wouldn't drink, steal my meds, or lie anymore. I should have known it was too good to be true. I picked up our son at 2 a.m., and he didn't get out of bed at all while I was there, and he knew I was coming. I told him I was coming to get our son because he wasn't allowed to be alone with him anymore because he didn't respect our family enough to keep his promises. He told me he enjoyed drinking with his brother and friend and didn't see anything wrong with what he did. I'm just peeved at the fact that he chose to drink despite the fact I told him it would lead to our relationship ending. Just really seems like he doesn't care. I really think I'm done for good now...

Impurrfect

(((JustConfused))) - Sorry for all that you are going through, but really glad to hear you're not going to let him take care of the kids any more.

A's (addicts) will SAY a lot of things. I know, I'm an RA (recovering addict) and have loved ones who are A's. I learned, thanks to the people here, that it's the ACTIONS we can count on...good or bad. It also works on both sides of the addiction "fence" - the A learns by OUR actions.

I used to make threats, boundaries, etc. but never followed through. In essence, I taught my A's that they could do what they wanted to and I wouldn't follow through. Now, I try really hard not to say what I don't have every intention of backing up with action.

My stepmom stole my prescription medicines for sleep. Though I didn't call the cops, I did buy a lockbox and have since told her "you get in there? I will report you to the police". My niece has anger issues, wants to fight when she gets angry, but I've told her "lay one hand on me, I will call the cops" and she knows I will. It took TIME for them to realize I mean what I say, and they didn't like it.

Oh well, I've had to deal with my consequences, so can they. I know it's frustrating that he is the sole income for your family, but there are a lot of people here who are, or have been in similar situations. Taking care of you and the kids is priority #1.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Justconfused

It took a lot for me to tell him that he wasn't allowed to take care of the kids anymore, but I told him, I would do the same to any other person whom I found out were doing the things he was, and I had no reason to treat him any different. There isn't a thing he can do any different than any other person caring for our kids and drinking too. I went to his family this past weekend and told them what had been going on, and that I needed their help. Basically just to help me, help him. I don't know what to do anymore. I know that I can't make him do anything, he doesn't want to, and since he doesn't want to help himself, there is no way to get through to him. But I have openly prepared my myself for his downfall. I say openly because I told him my plans of where the kids and myself will be staying, and babysitter options, and job options because I had to plan for when he stops caring for us, and cares for his addiction problems more. I told him that if he didn't get help, that day would come, and sooner than he would ever think. Not sure if it he thinks I'm serious or not, but he will find out soon enough.

LadySilver

I can relate, I was missing some medication and it could only be one person. So I have learned to hide it well. I also keep his meds, because he has a medical reason for needing them. He gets his daily quota and if he runs out, his problem. I have some flexibility in some situations, and we have never made it an issue once we got over the hurdle of it being an issue It takes respect . In your situation, I would make my plans as if he is not ever going to change. Threats don't work.Try Al-Anon, you'll have support from people whohave been there. It's tough, but you have to love yourself, your husband's love affair is his addiction Good luck

octoberrain

There is a new med for ADD that is a non-stimulant. It is call Strattera. I do not know if that is why you are taking Adderal you did not say but it is addictive. I know you will say why should I have to change my meds, but if he can not get anything out of it he will not take it and you will have your meds.
Just a thought...

mereak

I just wanted to say thank you for sharing, Justconfused, and thank you others for replying. I found this thread doing an internet search for "my husband stole my adderall," because well, I find myself in a very similar situation. Does anybody have any new tips or updates? I've started going to a local Al-Anon meeting. This is just SO hard...