kdavis

I am new to this forum. My husband is an alcoholic. He went to inpatient rehab back in April. He has had outpatient rehab and has been going to AA meetings. He relapsed & went to a local detox for 2 days in November, and is there again now since relapsing last night. I am totally at my wits end! He lost his job a couple of years ago due to a back injury and hasn't been able to work since. We have a 4 year old. So, I am working full time, taking care of our daughter, as well as taking care of him. I just don't know what to do anymore! Any advice?

marie1960

Welcome kdavis, Nice to meet you. Sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. You will find amazing support here.

You say " You don't know what to do anymore." Well,....... what would you like to do?


You are definitely taking care of business, you have an awful lot on your plate. Remember to just breathe,................ it really is ok to take the time and do something nice for yourself, even if it's curling up with a magazine, taking a bath, or anything that helps you to relax.



Keep posting you are not alone........

kdavis

Thanks Marie1960. I guess you hit the nail on the head. This whole situation just makes you feel so alone!

Freedom1990

You are not alone. I was with an alcoholic/addict for 5 miserable years, and I now have a 33-year-daughter who's an alcoholic addict.

I understand you must be very busy with a 4-year-old and working full-time, but I'd like to make some suggestions that helped me tremendously (and I was a single parent of 2 daughters when I started my own recovery from codependency).

Alanon was/is my primary source of support. There I found face-to-face support among friends who understood, and who had been where I was.

I have been in counseling/therapy off and on for several years ago.

I was given the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and it changed my life. You can buy a cheap used copy through Amazon. Please get your hands on this book.

I can also tell you as a long-term recovering alcoholic/addict myself, that your AH will not stop relapsing until he gets dead serious about recovery. Attending meetings is a start, but not the end-all answer. It takes working the steps with a sponsor who has quality sobriety, participating in meetings, reading the Big Book, doing whatever it takes to stay sober.

I also attended inpatient rehab in 1986, and it gave me the headstart I needed on living a sober life. When I relapsed after 4 years/clean sober, there was no opportunity for rehab or IOP. I knew what I had to do, drug myself back up that long flight of steps to AA, and started over with a resolve to do whatever it took to maintain sobriety.

I have been clean/sober for 21+ years now.

Welcome to SR, and know you are among friends!

FaithfulHusband

kdavis,
Welcome to SR. This place is truly amazing. I would advise you to read some threads and even go into the chat room like I did about a month ago. I am very new here as well. This site and the tools on it provided me with the knowledge to steer my decisions with my Alcoholic Wife.

You have to ask yourself what you want. I do know that when I was right were you are now, I was so done with all of it. I know the feeling. I have a 5 year old daughter and a 2 year old son and I am active duty military. My wife was in an inpatient facility for over 30 days..... Relapsed 2 times (in and out twice). The second time out, she received a DUI on base the day I picked her up. If you would like to read my posts they may or may not be helpful.

I know that I have always loved my wife even when she didn't love herself (I still do love her more than anything). She's getting better now and the future looks very good. Have you tried Al-Anon? I found a meeting in my area WITH childcare. Churches are good because a lot of them provide childcare. This website as well as Al-Anon have been a blessing for me. It's almost like other people helping you validate that you are not insane, nor alone in your situation. As I started here, I started to learn about the addiction / alcoholism side of everything. You also learn that is some of the things you do are good or bad. I know what it’s like to be a certified detective when it comes to alcohol. I’m sure you are also familiar.

I do know that even when it seems impossible and that all hope is lost that your husband is still in there. Alcoholism is a horrible disease. It can make people so low that they stop caring about ANYHITNG or ANYONE (Even family). I am quoting a post below that helped me. As hard as it was to read, it is in fact completely and utterly true and well articulated.

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I've been seeing a lot of love stuff lately...
________________________________________
...but rather than post in an existing thread and hurt people's feelings directly, I'll risk it indirectly by just saying this:

Love doesn't matter to alcoholism and addiction. It can't cure it, it can't control it, and it sure as hell doesn't stop it. Not love for children, not love for husbands and wives, and not love for mothers and fathers.

It is the single worst enemy of the victims of alcoholism and addiction because it is so useless in the face of this disease, and delays for so long the decisions and actions that can and should be made to help those suffering from it. "I love them so much," "I'll love them until the day I die," "they're my soul mate," "I'll never find anybody else like them," "nobody will ever love me like they love me," "I'll never love anybody like I love them."

Please. It's all so melodramatic, poetic, and Shakespearean. It's also not true.

I love the drama of love, and I struggle with my addiction to it (and perhaps my alcoholic wife), but make no mistake that it has been absolutely my worst enemy in my battle with the disease of alcoholism. "Love" is a barrier to recovery-- for some it is the barrier to recovery.

Let go of the drama, let go of the Hallmark fantasy, and start making your decisions based on reality. What people do (NOT what they say), how you want to live, and when it applies what is truly best for your children and you-- not your addict or alcoholic.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak
__________________
Aspiring realist


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I would start by setting boundaries. Ask yourself what these would be. Set them for 2 reasons: One, so you can begin to focus on yourself, your little girl and learn to love yourself. Two, so you can stick to them and stand your ground to show him how serious you are. Regardless if he is ready or not. This was the hardest thing for me to do and it is definitely easier said that done. Mine was “If this continues, I am taking all your cards / cash / means of paying for things and you can stay with your family back home until you figure this out. I will not let this destroy myself or our children.” Sounds harsh but it really worked. It got to the point that this was my best option. You may be far from this at this point. She HATED me until she was sober for a long period of time. Then she totally understood why I did what I did and THANKED me. There is still a lot of work ahead, but it’s on the up and up.

You may or may not be at that point. But I would advise you to take on Al-Anon and continue to use this site. I realized that instead of acting like I didn’t have a problem and it was my wife’s, that her problem became so powerless over alcohol that it then became MINE. My “addiction” was to her safety and wellbeing. This site and Al-Anon helped me tremendously.

I wish you the best and will keep your family in my prayers. Please stay strong for you little girl as well as yourself. Since your little girl is only four, remember that you are her voice in this situation as well. Take care.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR Family!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand, and we are here to support you.

At the top of the forum pages are permanent posts, called stickies. They contain some of our stories and loads of wisdom.

This is a link to one of my favorite stickies. It contains steps that helped me while living with an active alcoholic. Here is the link:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

wpasierb

Brace yourself and start to pray. My husband was an alcoholic and had cirrhosis of the liver. He quit drinking for 2 months after he was diagnosed. He started drinking again on Sept 11, 2010. He got jaundiced and sick over the summer and I took him to the ER on Nov 1st because was having back pain. They told him his kidneys had failed completely, his liver was COMPLETELY failed and his best option was to sign a DNR oder and they could make him as comfortable as possible for the next few hours or maybe days because there was nothing else they could do. He died on November 4th. My 13 yr old daughter and I were both in the room with him and now we are here everyday without him and completely lost and devestated. Neither one of us will ever be the sam again. I finally slept last night more than 2 hours. He was the funniest, nicest guy I know and I will miss him forever. I know my daughter will miss her dad always. She tells me she talks to him every night. He was the one home every day after school, and he was the fun parent. Even though he drank, he was her buddy. I don't know how to make her feel better, because I can't make myself feel better. I hope you have a better outcome than we did. My husband was only 44.

kdavis

Thank you all for the encouraging words. It feels good to know that there are other people who are going through or have gone through the same things that I am. I am so glad that I joined this supportive community.