just tired of it all
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Tucson
Posts: 71
just tired of it all
I'm not sure my husband is an alcoholic. I think he probably is although I don't believe it really matters. What does really matter is that 'little god syndrome' in relationship to alcoholism is the only thing I've ever read that describes his personality.
He does drink daily. He does go on binges. He has his morning sober personality and his drinking evening personality. His first thing in the morning personality is often similar to his evening...but once hes had his coffee and fully woken up, hes a pretty decent guy. Too bad those are the hours hes usually at work.
He also is financially responsible, managed to get his phd and manages to hold down a good job.
We'll celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary next month. We have 2 daughters, ages 16 and 6. Our youngest was born autistic but is one of the lucky ones. Shes learned to speak and is a quirky version of normal already. They're both terrific kids. The oldest has my personality to a T and the youngest has her dads personality to a T; although her dad doesn't seem quirky at first and never had the lack of communication issues etc that go along with autism.
What makes them the same is their base personality; the difficulty really focusing on what others say; the preference for monologues rather then dialog; the desire to control everything around them to the minutest detail; the belief that what goes on in their heads is always superior to anything anyone else could possibly have in theirs; fast, active brains that zoom everywhere combined with an intense focus that doesn't shift easily; both praise themselves highly and see fault in others easily; both tend to be willing to do anything to get their way whether that means threats, violence or whining...although my husband restrains himself when sober; both have high demands of others and in my husbands case, high demands of himself as well.
I tried to leave him long ago, when our oldest was 3-4. He struck me because I poured his alcohol down the drain for the third time. First time he threatened to divorce me unless I replaced all of it. I didn't replace it and he didn't leave. Second time he called the police on me and asked them to arrest me...they wanted to arrest him but as no one had exchanged 'physical force' they did not. Third time he gave me a black eye. Our sweet, beautiful little girl cried when she realized what my packing meant and I felt like a selfish mother. Not because of anything he said, but because of the sadness and pain I saw in her eyes. All she understood was that her world was being shattered and when I looked in her eyes I felt that I was the one shattering it. After all, I was the one that wasn't willing to try any more.
So I stayed.
I felt trapped. Sad, depressed.
I tried to find ways within our marriage to be proactive. I wrote out a contract that detailed limits on how he was allowed to treat his family and putting mild restraints on his behavior. The restraints on his behavior were simple things like after consuming 2 drinks in one hour he agrees not to drive but to allow me to; or if I'm not there, to take a taxi. No picking up his child if hes had too much to drink and that's to be determined by others (if he can't stand steady and is prone to tripping over things like coffee tables then he should not be trying to hold a child). No striking his wife etc. He signed the contract and I tucked it away in case things got out of hand and I had to leave. I also tucked away $5,000 dollars in a private account that he didn't know about for the same reason.
I learned about alcoholism. I changed some of my behaviors. I never poured his alcohol down the drain again and I stopped trying to ask him to stop drinking or reduce it. I tried hard to find safe and sane responses to the late night verbal attacks. I tried to reason with him during the day over his control issues. I tried hard to set firm rules about how he treated me.
He treated our daughter well. He tends to leave all the parenting to me with an occasional random outburst over stuff like how long the fridge door is open or how high the water volume. He tried to take the kids side when ever he can and tries to make out that I'm an unreasonable mother if I get angry with our oldest. Luckily shes always seen right through that without me ever having to say a word.
So the years passed and we got through them one day at a time. No more kids; I wanted them but didn't think it was wise. We didn't have a good marriage, but we did keep trying. His drinking reduced some not because I tried to get him to, but because of little things like having to listen to me and his oldest tease him about passing out and stuff like that.
Then our youngest came along. Our 'happy' accident when I was 36. Those first couple of years were hard, scary and heartbreaking. She was diagnosed at 18 months and the therapies began. Right after her diagnoses, he went on a bender one night. He wanted to wrap xmas presents (with the company of a bottle of scotch) and he insisted all of us go hide in a bedroom while he had the rest of the house to himself for his wrapping. I tried to convince him to trade places and wrap in our bedroom but no dice. To make a long story short...our littlest one was not going to stay in the bedroom and was at a point where there was no eye contact, no language, and lots of Helen Keller type behavior. She got out of the bedroom one time too many and he blew up. I was frazzled and blew up back at him after the kids were asleep. He punched me repeatedly in the head and I passed out. I woke up on the bathroom floor. Apparently I threw up and passed out there and when he couldn't get a reaction out of me any more, he left me there and went to bed. I couldn't think straight but when I fell asleep a day or two later and woke up with my eye and the skin around my eye full of blood (he had punched me in the side of my head, the blood pooling inside my skull had leaked out my eye while I slept), I went to the hospital, told them what happened and he was arrested. I also went to our church (amazingly, he's very religious) and spoke to the priest there as well. He did his counseling, anger management etc. He apologized (what a rare treat) but of course he clarified that he did what he had to do because of my worthless behavior...however, he did think he use too much force.
Child first though right. So I tried to make sure he knew where I stood. I had nothing left to give him but our littlest one needed all of me right then and I felt a mental mess. The concussion was pretty bad and left me feeling like it was hard to think, hard to reason and hard to remember. On top of that my emotions were suddenly over the top and anger became an issue for me for the first time in my life. So I played turtle and just gave myself over completely to my childs therapies. That paid off by the way. I broke through her 'shell'. I learned sign language from her therapists, books and the internet and taught it to her. When she made her first sign, it was to me. I put her on a leash and followed her around parks like her puppy dog just trying to get her to let me interact with her. Finally she did. I even hid in bushes with her a few times...lol. When she spoke her first verbal word, it was to me. Shes an amazing little girl. So at least that part, I did right.
Now the pressure to help our child is passed. Our oldest had to deal with some anger issues in regards to her dad. She has done so, and I think is doing well. She has her first boyfriend and I was relieved to see shes chosen someone with a calm, sweet personality like herself. Both kids seem to be growing up wonderfully so far. Our house is calm. I no longer share a bed with him. Hes tried a few times to get me to return to 'our' bed but I have no interest in opening myself up emotionally to him again. Hubby drinks nightly still but hasn't been drunk since 'that' night. Hes still the same old person. Little flashes of the old him still show through. However, hes kinder, less pushy and hasn't been verbally abusive in years.
Until last week. Just out of the blue. One minute hes happy watching the news, then he heads for bed and sees that our littlest one left her coat on the living room floor and I failed to have her pick it up. He gets furious and starts yelling at me that I'm a parasite etc etc. I can't even describe the violence of his tone, let alone the words he said. And I amazed myself by crying the next day after he was gone to work. I stood up well for myself when it happened. Stayed firm; got him to stop, leave me alone and go to bed. But since then I've been fighting the blues.
He actually apologized the next day which is unlike him. But what does that matter?
I feel like I just found a calm space of respite and its gone. This is the first year that my youngest seems to be past the worst; her rocking has almost completely disappeared. Sure, she has years more of learning and growing to do....but this year its positive that she'll really be ok. Our oldest is settled back into her normal behaviors. And I'm starting to feel like myself again. Like my brain is returning to what it once was.
Anyway. I just needed to get it out of me. I haven't cried over anything hes done in years. I actually came online to do some reading about alcoholism again and rethink where I'm at now today and where I should go from here.
Writing it all out here has helped.
He does drink daily. He does go on binges. He has his morning sober personality and his drinking evening personality. His first thing in the morning personality is often similar to his evening...but once hes had his coffee and fully woken up, hes a pretty decent guy. Too bad those are the hours hes usually at work.
He also is financially responsible, managed to get his phd and manages to hold down a good job.
We'll celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary next month. We have 2 daughters, ages 16 and 6. Our youngest was born autistic but is one of the lucky ones. Shes learned to speak and is a quirky version of normal already. They're both terrific kids. The oldest has my personality to a T and the youngest has her dads personality to a T; although her dad doesn't seem quirky at first and never had the lack of communication issues etc that go along with autism.
What makes them the same is their base personality; the difficulty really focusing on what others say; the preference for monologues rather then dialog; the desire to control everything around them to the minutest detail; the belief that what goes on in their heads is always superior to anything anyone else could possibly have in theirs; fast, active brains that zoom everywhere combined with an intense focus that doesn't shift easily; both praise themselves highly and see fault in others easily; both tend to be willing to do anything to get their way whether that means threats, violence or whining...although my husband restrains himself when sober; both have high demands of others and in my husbands case, high demands of himself as well.
I tried to leave him long ago, when our oldest was 3-4. He struck me because I poured his alcohol down the drain for the third time. First time he threatened to divorce me unless I replaced all of it. I didn't replace it and he didn't leave. Second time he called the police on me and asked them to arrest me...they wanted to arrest him but as no one had exchanged 'physical force' they did not. Third time he gave me a black eye. Our sweet, beautiful little girl cried when she realized what my packing meant and I felt like a selfish mother. Not because of anything he said, but because of the sadness and pain I saw in her eyes. All she understood was that her world was being shattered and when I looked in her eyes I felt that I was the one shattering it. After all, I was the one that wasn't willing to try any more.
So I stayed.
I felt trapped. Sad, depressed.
I tried to find ways within our marriage to be proactive. I wrote out a contract that detailed limits on how he was allowed to treat his family and putting mild restraints on his behavior. The restraints on his behavior were simple things like after consuming 2 drinks in one hour he agrees not to drive but to allow me to; or if I'm not there, to take a taxi. No picking up his child if hes had too much to drink and that's to be determined by others (if he can't stand steady and is prone to tripping over things like coffee tables then he should not be trying to hold a child). No striking his wife etc. He signed the contract and I tucked it away in case things got out of hand and I had to leave. I also tucked away $5,000 dollars in a private account that he didn't know about for the same reason.
I learned about alcoholism. I changed some of my behaviors. I never poured his alcohol down the drain again and I stopped trying to ask him to stop drinking or reduce it. I tried hard to find safe and sane responses to the late night verbal attacks. I tried to reason with him during the day over his control issues. I tried hard to set firm rules about how he treated me.
He treated our daughter well. He tends to leave all the parenting to me with an occasional random outburst over stuff like how long the fridge door is open or how high the water volume. He tried to take the kids side when ever he can and tries to make out that I'm an unreasonable mother if I get angry with our oldest. Luckily shes always seen right through that without me ever having to say a word.
So the years passed and we got through them one day at a time. No more kids; I wanted them but didn't think it was wise. We didn't have a good marriage, but we did keep trying. His drinking reduced some not because I tried to get him to, but because of little things like having to listen to me and his oldest tease him about passing out and stuff like that.
Then our youngest came along. Our 'happy' accident when I was 36. Those first couple of years were hard, scary and heartbreaking. She was diagnosed at 18 months and the therapies began. Right after her diagnoses, he went on a bender one night. He wanted to wrap xmas presents (with the company of a bottle of scotch) and he insisted all of us go hide in a bedroom while he had the rest of the house to himself for his wrapping. I tried to convince him to trade places and wrap in our bedroom but no dice. To make a long story short...our littlest one was not going to stay in the bedroom and was at a point where there was no eye contact, no language, and lots of Helen Keller type behavior. She got out of the bedroom one time too many and he blew up. I was frazzled and blew up back at him after the kids were asleep. He punched me repeatedly in the head and I passed out. I woke up on the bathroom floor. Apparently I threw up and passed out there and when he couldn't get a reaction out of me any more, he left me there and went to bed. I couldn't think straight but when I fell asleep a day or two later and woke up with my eye and the skin around my eye full of blood (he had punched me in the side of my head, the blood pooling inside my skull had leaked out my eye while I slept), I went to the hospital, told them what happened and he was arrested. I also went to our church (amazingly, he's very religious) and spoke to the priest there as well. He did his counseling, anger management etc. He apologized (what a rare treat) but of course he clarified that he did what he had to do because of my worthless behavior...however, he did think he use too much force.
Child first though right. So I tried to make sure he knew where I stood. I had nothing left to give him but our littlest one needed all of me right then and I felt a mental mess. The concussion was pretty bad and left me feeling like it was hard to think, hard to reason and hard to remember. On top of that my emotions were suddenly over the top and anger became an issue for me for the first time in my life. So I played turtle and just gave myself over completely to my childs therapies. That paid off by the way. I broke through her 'shell'. I learned sign language from her therapists, books and the internet and taught it to her. When she made her first sign, it was to me. I put her on a leash and followed her around parks like her puppy dog just trying to get her to let me interact with her. Finally she did. I even hid in bushes with her a few times...lol. When she spoke her first verbal word, it was to me. Shes an amazing little girl. So at least that part, I did right.
Now the pressure to help our child is passed. Our oldest had to deal with some anger issues in regards to her dad. She has done so, and I think is doing well. She has her first boyfriend and I was relieved to see shes chosen someone with a calm, sweet personality like herself. Both kids seem to be growing up wonderfully so far. Our house is calm. I no longer share a bed with him. Hes tried a few times to get me to return to 'our' bed but I have no interest in opening myself up emotionally to him again. Hubby drinks nightly still but hasn't been drunk since 'that' night. Hes still the same old person. Little flashes of the old him still show through. However, hes kinder, less pushy and hasn't been verbally abusive in years.
Until last week. Just out of the blue. One minute hes happy watching the news, then he heads for bed and sees that our littlest one left her coat on the living room floor and I failed to have her pick it up. He gets furious and starts yelling at me that I'm a parasite etc etc. I can't even describe the violence of his tone, let alone the words he said. And I amazed myself by crying the next day after he was gone to work. I stood up well for myself when it happened. Stayed firm; got him to stop, leave me alone and go to bed. But since then I've been fighting the blues.
He actually apologized the next day which is unlike him. But what does that matter?
I feel like I just found a calm space of respite and its gone. This is the first year that my youngest seems to be past the worst; her rocking has almost completely disappeared. Sure, she has years more of learning and growing to do....but this year its positive that she'll really be ok. Our oldest is settled back into her normal behaviors. And I'm starting to feel like myself again. Like my brain is returning to what it once was.
Anyway. I just needed to get it out of me. I haven't cried over anything hes done in years. I actually came online to do some reading about alcoholism again and rethink where I'm at now today and where I should go from here.
Writing it all out here has helped.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I'm glad you came here and shared your story. There are no words to make the sad go away, but hugs, just the same.
Read here, post, ask questions, become part of, and in time I believe some things will begin to make more sense for you.
Read here, post, ask questions, become part of, and in time I believe some things will begin to make more sense for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Hi Isollae and welcome to SR,
Just reading your thread, you sound like a great mum doing a wonderful job under difficult circumstance.
Your right, it doesnt really matter if your husband is an alcoholic, its living with the behaviours and their personality that matter. You sound like you have been aware of the alcohol causing problems for a long time. You have made changes to you and the way you react to his behaviours but its not making any difference.
To me, you also sound like a typical couple who are only together for the kids, with not a lot of warmth, affection, love etc between you. Some couples seem happy with that type of relationship but I suppose it depends on what you want at the end of the day.
My AH was verbaly abusive for our entire marriage (23yrs) when drinking or more so when I discussed his drinking. I can tell you that this caused me to slowly shut down and not expect too much for myself. I took to the roll of mother and wife and really did not put my own life/wants/needs very highly at all.
A couple of years ago now, I found my way to Al-anon, SR and into personal therapy and during this time, a switch went off inside me, and I came to realise that I was important, my life was important and even though my AH wanted to drink for the rest of his life and appeared happy to do so, that didnt mean that I had to live that way too.
I moved out about 8 months ago. I still loved him but his drinking was making me too ill and unhappy and I knew by then that I deserved to live a happy, healthy life as I was worthy and I couldnt live in disfuntion any more.. I wanted the chance to be able to find someone who would and could equally participate in a loving, caring and intimate relationship.
You sound like you have reached a cross roads in your life, so I hope you keep reading and reavaluating your life, what you want and where you want to be. Bear in mind too, that you even though you are a wonderful, caring mother, you are also YOU - a very important, worthwhile person who deserves a real relationship and partnership.
As I have come to discover - you have to feel it, to want it.
Just reading your thread, you sound like a great mum doing a wonderful job under difficult circumstance.
Your right, it doesnt really matter if your husband is an alcoholic, its living with the behaviours and their personality that matter. You sound like you have been aware of the alcohol causing problems for a long time. You have made changes to you and the way you react to his behaviours but its not making any difference.
To me, you also sound like a typical couple who are only together for the kids, with not a lot of warmth, affection, love etc between you. Some couples seem happy with that type of relationship but I suppose it depends on what you want at the end of the day.
My AH was verbaly abusive for our entire marriage (23yrs) when drinking or more so when I discussed his drinking. I can tell you that this caused me to slowly shut down and not expect too much for myself. I took to the roll of mother and wife and really did not put my own life/wants/needs very highly at all.
A couple of years ago now, I found my way to Al-anon, SR and into personal therapy and during this time, a switch went off inside me, and I came to realise that I was important, my life was important and even though my AH wanted to drink for the rest of his life and appeared happy to do so, that didnt mean that I had to live that way too.
I moved out about 8 months ago. I still loved him but his drinking was making me too ill and unhappy and I knew by then that I deserved to live a happy, healthy life as I was worthy and I couldnt live in disfuntion any more.. I wanted the chance to be able to find someone who would and could equally participate in a loving, caring and intimate relationship.
You sound like you have reached a cross roads in your life, so I hope you keep reading and reavaluating your life, what you want and where you want to be. Bear in mind too, that you even though you are a wonderful, caring mother, you are also YOU - a very important, worthwhile person who deserves a real relationship and partnership.
As I have come to discover - you have to feel it, to want it.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
(((((((Hugs))))))))
Welcome to the family!
I am pleased to *meet* you. Sorry about the reason you found us, but thankful you took the time to introduce yourself.
You are an amazing woman. You have done a wonderful job raising two young ladies! Good mom.
Please make yourself at home by reading and writing as much as you need. Vent here when angry and frustrated. We can take it!
Please let us know how we can help you. We care about you.
edited to add: You may be experience a tramatic stress that was triggered by your memory of what he is capable of. Do you have a counselor you can speak with?
Welcome to the family!
I am pleased to *meet* you. Sorry about the reason you found us, but thankful you took the time to introduce yourself.
You are an amazing woman. You have done a wonderful job raising two young ladies! Good mom.
Please make yourself at home by reading and writing as much as you need. Vent here when angry and frustrated. We can take it!
Please let us know how we can help you. We care about you.
edited to add: You may be experience a tramatic stress that was triggered by your memory of what he is capable of. Do you have a counselor you can speak with?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 36
My heart really goes out to you. I'm really trying to sort through some of my own issues, that sound scarily like yours. I have never been hit so violently, but I have been spit on, slapped once and verbally bullied and put down. I've only been married 5 years, and my son is just 6 months old. I wonder now, reading your story, if I should be making a move before it gets to a point that I won't leave because my child will be too distraught. I think we could change as a couple, but I know we would both have to work at it a lot. I think I could bring myself to do the work, but I expect that my husband would only go through the motions to get me to stay and leech off of me. I honestly don't know why he is sticking around. He uses the excuse of our son, but he never wanted him in the first place.
Thank you for sharing. It means a lot.
Best to you and your loved ones.
CJ
Thank you for sharing. It means a lot.
Best to you and your loved ones.
CJ
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Isollae, and Welcome to SR!
It was very brave of you to share your story here. Please know that you are not alone.
What you have and are experiencing, in my opinion, is domestic abuse. Neither you nor your children deserve to live this way. No one does. I'm glad you created an emergency fund, and hope that it is still in place in case you decide that you and your children need to leave in a hurry.
Below are links to some really great information and resources about domestic violence. I hope you will take the time to read the information.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Welcome, again, to SR! Glad you found us!
HG
It was very brave of you to share your story here. Please know that you are not alone.
What you have and are experiencing, in my opinion, is domestic abuse. Neither you nor your children deserve to live this way. No one does. I'm glad you created an emergency fund, and hope that it is still in place in case you decide that you and your children need to leave in a hurry.
Below are links to some really great information and resources about domestic violence. I hope you will take the time to read the information.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Welcome, again, to SR! Glad you found us!
HG
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SR, and I am so very sorry for the circumstance that brought you here.
Numbing or "stuffing" our feelings doesn't make them go away, and I too hope you can find some counseling or abuse support to work through yours. Crying is good, it's a start at letting them out.
I hope you contact a women's abuse center near you, they can tell you where you can find support and also what to do if you need to leave in a hurry.
Hugs
Numbing or "stuffing" our feelings doesn't make them go away, and I too hope you can find some counseling or abuse support to work through yours. Crying is good, it's a start at letting them out.
I hope you contact a women's abuse center near you, they can tell you where you can find support and also what to do if you need to leave in a hurry.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1
Thank you for your insightful threads. My ABF and I started dating in July 2010. He acted like he had it all together and I had no idea about his addiction until a few months into the relationship. He would never do anything or take me anywhere - our time became very limited which I came to find out later was so he could go home and drink in solitude. I was ready to end it when low and behold I am pregnant! Being a 39 year old female on birth control it was a shock but I was happy. He was not. He stopped talking to me for 2 weeks and did not even want to hear the word baby or pregnant. I know you are thinking was he 15? No he is a 37 yr old man and I use the word man loosely. He refused to go to the first sonogram. He stressed me out so much I became so sick and lost the baby at 14 weeks. He would not come to the hospital when I miscarried and refused to take care of me when I developed an infection a few weeks later.
But in my codependent fashion I kept on going. By this time I was so depressed and sad over the loss of my baby it didn't matter. But through it all I still loved him and still do. Finally, in October I was able to end the realtionship and he says losing me was the reason he went into rehab. He came out Dec 9th and we were supposed to talk and "hash things out". He told me he would fight for me no matter what because I was still in his heart and he loved me.
Low and behold, I open up to him and tell him I still love him and want to know if we can see if we have a chance now that he is sober. But talking to him I felt like he could not have a thought of his own and was very distracted. He FINALLY admitted to me that he fell for an older woman in rehab and they have been dating because he decided he didn't want to fight for me. He said he doesn't have to worry cause she has grown kids, doesn't want to get married, and her tubes are tied. He says his sponsor told him it is not a good idea to continue our relationship because of his recovery but seems OK with this new relationship. He says his sponsor told him he does not need to get stressed since it is a trigger and it is best to forget about what we had because I do not understand the AA process. I offered to go to meetings and try but he says now he loves this new woman.
I can't understand how he can profess his undying love for me and say he was going to fight no matter what then be in love with someone else after only a few weeks. It seems to me he cannot think for himself and this new woman and his sponsor do all the thinking for him. I feel like I was talking to an AA robot in a sense. The whole thing has me heart broken and saddened beyond belief. I am a good person and did everything for this man. I know I will realize this is for the best. He says he wants to be friends but friends do not treat friends in this manner so I ended it entirely. I hope he stays sober but from what I have heard he is breaking all the rules and is sure to relapse soon.
So, here I go again on my own. I need to get out of this codependent funk and realize I am strong enough to let him go and move on. I just can't help but think of our time together and the love I thought we had - he was very sweet and caring at times.
Thanks for letting me blab on and on. I know I am a strong woman but this has made me feel weak and has made me feel hate. I am tired of always doing the right thing and treating ppl well regardless of how I am treated. Right now I feel like I want him to suffer as much as I have and that is what I hope for at this point. Sounds evil I know but I cannot help it - I am hurt and destroyed.
But in my codependent fashion I kept on going. By this time I was so depressed and sad over the loss of my baby it didn't matter. But through it all I still loved him and still do. Finally, in October I was able to end the realtionship and he says losing me was the reason he went into rehab. He came out Dec 9th and we were supposed to talk and "hash things out". He told me he would fight for me no matter what because I was still in his heart and he loved me.
Low and behold, I open up to him and tell him I still love him and want to know if we can see if we have a chance now that he is sober. But talking to him I felt like he could not have a thought of his own and was very distracted. He FINALLY admitted to me that he fell for an older woman in rehab and they have been dating because he decided he didn't want to fight for me. He said he doesn't have to worry cause she has grown kids, doesn't want to get married, and her tubes are tied. He says his sponsor told him it is not a good idea to continue our relationship because of his recovery but seems OK with this new relationship. He says his sponsor told him he does not need to get stressed since it is a trigger and it is best to forget about what we had because I do not understand the AA process. I offered to go to meetings and try but he says now he loves this new woman.
I can't understand how he can profess his undying love for me and say he was going to fight no matter what then be in love with someone else after only a few weeks. It seems to me he cannot think for himself and this new woman and his sponsor do all the thinking for him. I feel like I was talking to an AA robot in a sense. The whole thing has me heart broken and saddened beyond belief. I am a good person and did everything for this man. I know I will realize this is for the best. He says he wants to be friends but friends do not treat friends in this manner so I ended it entirely. I hope he stays sober but from what I have heard he is breaking all the rules and is sure to relapse soon.
So, here I go again on my own. I need to get out of this codependent funk and realize I am strong enough to let him go and move on. I just can't help but think of our time together and the love I thought we had - he was very sweet and caring at times.
Thanks for letting me blab on and on. I know I am a strong woman but this has made me feel weak and has made me feel hate. I am tired of always doing the right thing and treating ppl well regardless of how I am treated. Right now I feel like I want him to suffer as much as I have and that is what I hope for at this point. Sounds evil I know but I cannot help it - I am hurt and destroyed.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
WOW Isollae. It sounds as though you have been an INCREDIBLE parent. It doesn't matter if he is an alcoholic (sounds like he is, though) the behavior he had displayed is just plain nuts. At this point, though, it's up to you. How much more of this can you take? Is this acceptable for YOU? I left my XAH for much less. He was an arrogant, blithering jerk who couldn't hold a job and left all of the parenting to me, but he never hit me. I remember, at one point, wishing he would so that I had a "reason" to call the police. You have endured quite a bit kiddo.
Do you attend Al-Anon?
Do you attend Al-Anon?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Tucson
Posts: 71
Originally Posted by CalamityJane 
My heart really goes out to you. I'm really trying to sort through some of my own issues, that sound scarily like yours. I have never been hit so violently, but I have been spit on, slapped once and verbally bullied and put down. I've only been married 5 years, and my son is just 6 months old. I wonder now, reading your story, if I should be making a move before it gets to a point that I won't leave because my child will be too distraught. I think we could change as a couple, but I know we would both have to work at it a lot. I think I could bring myself to do the work, but I expect that my husband would only go through the motions to get me to stay and leech off of me. I honestly don't know why he is sticking around. He uses the excuse of our son, but he never wanted him in the first place.
Thank you for sharing. It means a lot.
Best to you and your loved ones.
CJ
Thank you for sharing. It means a lot.
Best to you and your loved ones.
CJ
Hes only struck me twice in 20 years and each time he modified his own behavior afterwards. But oh I make him angry! I think on my own, I don't always agree with him and I don't always approve of him. If I stay with him and he snaps again....how much anger will he be letting fly at me next time?
Anyway, the important part is that he has honestly tried to change his own behavior in this regard. He does know that how he treats me is not about me - its about him. It doesn't matter who he's with...if he lets loose enough to be himself, then he will treat her that way eventually.
How can a man succeed at never letting himself relax and be himself?
Now add alcohol to the mix. Maybe he drinks not because his body needs it....maybe he drinks because it gives him an excuse for his own behavior when he's simply being himself.
He holds back not because he thinks I'm special, he holds back because he knows how the world would respond to it all.
If you stay with your man and find that you think its time to get out down the road...please don't let your kids momentary feelings stop you. Self-preservation is not something to feel guilty about either.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Tucson
Posts: 71
Thank you guys for your warmth and support. I can't tell you how much it means just to share it all. No I have never tried al-anon but I'm definitely at a point where I would like to find....something.
I feel like I've lost myself over the years. So I guess just finding myself again is all I'm really looking for.
I feel like I've lost myself over the years. So I guess just finding myself again is all I'm really looking for.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Bowling Green, Kentucky
Posts: 39
Isollae,
I don't really believe I can add anything that would make much of a difference however God bless you and your two girls. Through the help of God I've been sober now for 2 years and a couple of days!!! As I read the part of him physically smashing your face I wanted to jump through the screen and smash his...but I know that wouldn't accomplish anything (and for all I know he might smash mine). Having said that I will say that I hate divorce, but I hate abuse worse and there comes a time when the last line drawn is the line you made hightailing it towards another destiny. I admonish you to Never, Never take that from anyone. "but of course he clarified that he did what he had to do because of my worthless behavior...however, he did think he use too much force. "...you've got to be kidding me! It may not seem like it but he has a very hard fall awaiting him...and you know the thing is that you sound like the kind of person that loves deeply and really don't want him to get his own. And truth be known; I too prefer mercy but pride is so ugly and when we see that person who is so full of themselves finally get theirs it seems to make those who know feel just a little bit better. Not because the person is feeling pain but because maybe now they can begin to learn to empathize. I had to pay an enormous price to have the scales of my eyes shed so that I could finally see the light. It seems to be the way that it normally runs for a large number of us alcoholics. I applaud you for getting on here and sharing your story. I would say good luck to you but luck seldom has anything to do with decision making. And whether you decide to stick around and see if the miracle ever happens or you decide to fly the coop…you will have made a decision and I’m sure that it’s something that weighs heavily on your mind daily as the drama of each one unfolds. How many times we get caught up in the day dream of “what could be?” As hard as it may seem don’t make a decision with your emotions…do the pros and cons and then if you have to flip a coin. My sponsor basically told me to stay put and not do anything. However, I wasn’t getting my face bashed in by my wife either and had it been that way I don’t know if I would still be with her. But you did the right thing in having him arrested…well, the police did the right thing in arresting him…that is the least that he deserved. I don’t get it where men think that they “own” women.
Peace
Cob
I don't really believe I can add anything that would make much of a difference however God bless you and your two girls. Through the help of God I've been sober now for 2 years and a couple of days!!! As I read the part of him physically smashing your face I wanted to jump through the screen and smash his...but I know that wouldn't accomplish anything (and for all I know he might smash mine). Having said that I will say that I hate divorce, but I hate abuse worse and there comes a time when the last line drawn is the line you made hightailing it towards another destiny. I admonish you to Never, Never take that from anyone. "but of course he clarified that he did what he had to do because of my worthless behavior...however, he did think he use too much force. "...you've got to be kidding me! It may not seem like it but he has a very hard fall awaiting him...and you know the thing is that you sound like the kind of person that loves deeply and really don't want him to get his own. And truth be known; I too prefer mercy but pride is so ugly and when we see that person who is so full of themselves finally get theirs it seems to make those who know feel just a little bit better. Not because the person is feeling pain but because maybe now they can begin to learn to empathize. I had to pay an enormous price to have the scales of my eyes shed so that I could finally see the light. It seems to be the way that it normally runs for a large number of us alcoholics. I applaud you for getting on here and sharing your story. I would say good luck to you but luck seldom has anything to do with decision making. And whether you decide to stick around and see if the miracle ever happens or you decide to fly the coop…you will have made a decision and I’m sure that it’s something that weighs heavily on your mind daily as the drama of each one unfolds. How many times we get caught up in the day dream of “what could be?” As hard as it may seem don’t make a decision with your emotions…do the pros and cons and then if you have to flip a coin. My sponsor basically told me to stay put and not do anything. However, I wasn’t getting my face bashed in by my wife either and had it been that way I don’t know if I would still be with her. But you did the right thing in having him arrested…well, the police did the right thing in arresting him…that is the least that he deserved. I don’t get it where men think that they “own” women.
Peace
Cob
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Welcome to our SR family!!
So glad you joined us but hate so much that your life has been affected by someone's drinking ~
Congrats on all you and your daughters have accomplished while living in this unhealthy environment ~ You have done very well to realize his actions are NOT about you ~ it is about the way he is affected by his disease.
I pray you continue reaching out for help here and thru other recovery methods - they helped me find my way to a Happy and Joyous life regardless of the chaos surrounding me!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
So glad you joined us but hate so much that your life has been affected by someone's drinking ~
Congrats on all you and your daughters have accomplished while living in this unhealthy environment ~ You have done very well to realize his actions are NOT about you ~ it is about the way he is affected by his disease.
I pray you continue reaching out for help here and thru other recovery methods - they helped me find my way to a Happy and Joyous life regardless of the chaos surrounding me!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Isollae,
I hope you do find a good safety plan.
Also a success story: Like your youngest daughter, I was diagnosed with autism at an early age. I've been very successful in my career and in school now. Just still trying to shake the ACOA codie behavior I learned while growing up in a home very much like you're describing. I respected my mother more when she was able to get away from my bio-dad.
I hope you do find a good safety plan.
Also a success story: Like your youngest daughter, I was diagnosed with autism at an early age. I've been very successful in my career and in school now. Just still trying to shake the ACOA codie behavior I learned while growing up in a home very much like you're describing. I respected my mother more when she was able to get away from my bio-dad.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by Isollae
Hes only struck me twice in 20 years and each time he modified his own behavior afterwards. But oh I make him angry! I think on my own, I don't always agree with him and I don't always approve of him. If I stay with him and he snaps again....how much anger will he be letting fly at me next time?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
He is, unequivocally, an alcoholic-- your description of him above is the epitome of a type of alcoholic and alcoholic behavior. It's dead nuts on.
The real question is, and God bless you, how in the world you could even be questioning this? You are questioning if it is snowing when snow is falling all around you. It's like standing in the rain and wondering if it's raining.
You are asking many of the right questions, and there are many great posts back to you, but make no mistake about one thing-- HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC. Period.
Cyranoak
The real question is, and God bless you, how in the world you could even be questioning this? You are questioning if it is snowing when snow is falling all around you. It's like standing in the rain and wondering if it's raining.
You are asking many of the right questions, and there are many great posts back to you, but make no mistake about one thing-- HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC. Period.
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Isollae, welcome to you, so glad you are here, I wish I was close enough to come defend you and those two innocent angels from what you are going through.
Not to long ago I asked my dad, why did you leave us in that environment, why did you not love us enough to take us away from a self-absorbed, abusive alcoholic, do you not understand how much that hurt us, he did not have an answer for me.
Your children may come to you some day and ask the same question, I hope you have a better answer than he did.
Ala-teen may help your older daughter with her anger issues, also you might consider counseling for all of you, it has been a tremendous help to me.
I will say a prayer for all of you,
Best of luck,
Bill
Not to long ago I asked my dad, why did you leave us in that environment, why did you not love us enough to take us away from a self-absorbed, abusive alcoholic, do you not understand how much that hurt us, he did not have an answer for me.
Your children may come to you some day and ask the same question, I hope you have a better answer than he did.
Ala-teen may help your older daughter with her anger issues, also you might consider counseling for all of you, it has been a tremendous help to me.
I will say a prayer for all of you,
Best of luck,
Bill
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Tucson
Posts: 71
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
He is, unequivocally, an alcoholic-- your description of him above is the epitome of a type of alcoholic and alcoholic behavior. It's dead nuts on.
Cyranoak
Cyranoak
Forgive me if I'm having a hard time figuring out where I need to be at this point in my life...but...but...but...
and all the buts are probably alot of rationalizations. Still I need to go through those buts to feel right walking out that door.
I've read through the success stories post in the stickies? section. Are there no success stories where any ones stayed? Believe me, I know where I am at is NOT a success. But I'm used to giving up not being an option also.
And the funny, sad? part is that when I first came here I had decided that the alcohol is irrelevant. It doesn't matter if he is or is not. He is who he is and all that matters is what am I going to do. Then I started reading and thinking about our relationship again.
And now I'm thinking....'but'....oh so many buts.
But...accept for how he treats me hes doing ok now. Great in most areas, decent in others, could use some improvement in others. That describes how most people are, including myself.
But...(I'm starting to hate that word) how he has treated me is oh so very wrong.
But...he has made some big changes since 'that' night.
But...maybe (probably?) those changes are more about me withdrawing from him completely. I ceased to care one way or another about him for the last...oh what...4 almost 5 years. An occassional burst of anger when ever he caught my attention but thats it and that was rare. And I have this blank spot from that whole time period around when he hit me. I had actually completely forgotten about it until he got mad the other night. His anger triggered a huge emotional response in me and I remembered when I asked myself why I was feeling the way I was. This is not willful forgetting. Its from the concussion. There is no real memory...just the verbal knowledge from afterwards.
But...if I give him any attention again, would he go back to his old behavior patterns? Crazy question isn't it? I know he is still the same person. So why the bleep am I even asking such a question? Why does reading about things make me start to say but?
And I feel so close to just breaking down. I really am afraid that if I let it all out and feel everything all this is dredging up that I won't be able to pull myself back together. I don't want to wallow and react. I want to think and reason. But right now I can't quite seem to think about it all without feeling emotionally overwhelmed.
Ok...that was my mini-break down for the day. Now I have to dry my eyes and go pick up my kids and smile and chatter and share their days with them.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Isollae, take a deep breath and try to calm your mind. I know when the realization on where you are at, what has been happening finally begins to sink in it can be overwhelming. Most of us have been there so we understand how you are feeling right now. No one should be abused, period and fear can freeze you as well. I've been where you are at and was abused for years and shrugged it off as if it really didn't happen until people began asking questions about the bruises and the deep cut above my eye, ugh. Alcoholism is PROGRESSIVE and you can't hold back the tide that is coming! Please find a safe place for you and your children.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Tucson
Posts: 71
I probably shouldn't post in emotional moments. But I do bottle things up and I am grateful to anything that triggers it. Its like poison and the only safe place I can get it out of me is away from my family...places like here and probably with a therapist once I'm able to finance one without having to talk about it with hubby. So probably the therapist will have to wait until I'm free of this situation.
I'm trying to find a healthy place to be both emotionally and logically right now. I need to be able to deal with leaving without tears and anger. And without delusions if I can manage that...at least a healthy way to view things. I don't want my kids to have to deal with over the top emotions and I don't want to give them an unhealthy way of looking at all this. My anger at myself, hubby and even with my lifelong belief system is not something I want them to have to deal with. I think thats best bottled up and dealt with when they're not home. I don't want that bottled up thing to be a permanent way of living though.
I believe we are safe while I work through all this. I'm not trying to work on him or our marriage....I'm only trying to work on me and re-find who I want to be. So there is no fighting or 'discussions' or anything at all going on between me and him. Hasn't been for 4-5 years. My thoughts are being shared only on paper and on these boards and thats how I will keep it until I feel that I have a sane place to start a new life from. I think my oldest probably knows that something is going on inside of me...shes very perceptive. I don't believe my youngest or my hubby know anything at all is changing in me.
Anyway...reading and posting here is helping me re-find myself. Find a healthy outlook and view point so I can be who I want to be. And its helping me to get those emotions out so I can be who I want to be. Hopefully without hurting my kids.
I'm trying to find a healthy place to be both emotionally and logically right now. I need to be able to deal with leaving without tears and anger. And without delusions if I can manage that...at least a healthy way to view things. I don't want my kids to have to deal with over the top emotions and I don't want to give them an unhealthy way of looking at all this. My anger at myself, hubby and even with my lifelong belief system is not something I want them to have to deal with. I think thats best bottled up and dealt with when they're not home. I don't want that bottled up thing to be a permanent way of living though.
I believe we are safe while I work through all this. I'm not trying to work on him or our marriage....I'm only trying to work on me and re-find who I want to be. So there is no fighting or 'discussions' or anything at all going on between me and him. Hasn't been for 4-5 years. My thoughts are being shared only on paper and on these boards and thats how I will keep it until I feel that I have a sane place to start a new life from. I think my oldest probably knows that something is going on inside of me...shes very perceptive. I don't believe my youngest or my hubby know anything at all is changing in me.
Anyway...reading and posting here is helping me re-find myself. Find a healthy outlook and view point so I can be who I want to be. And its helping me to get those emotions out so I can be who I want to be. Hopefully without hurting my kids.
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