boing5050

When things were going so well i once again managed to screw it all up. I am so ashamed of myself for being an idiot and drinking again, been drunk for 4 days now, depressed and feeling so guilty for failing so bad. It so painful i am afraid to stop drinking, life sucks right about now.

Riel

You didn't fail, you succeeded in stopping drinking for a while, and you can stop again.

You gave your liver a break, proved you can stop drinking, and you have another chance to get sober for good.

WantToHeal

Sorry you're having to go through this, boing. IMHO, life doesn't suck any less when you're drinking, though it may feel that way at times. You're only deferring all of your reckoning to the future, when the problem(s) may be worse.

boing5050

Am on a downward path and crashing hard,,,the alternatives to continue crashing and suffering or to appease the pain with another drink or pill, either way it does not feel good nor is it an easy choice to make. I am so mad at myself for making the mistake of drinking again, my mind wont stop torturing itself the guilt is unbearable.

GirlFromCO

Are you still drinking, boing? One way to ease the guilt would be to start making some healthy decisions. What's keeping you from not drinking for the rest of today?

boing5050

I had a couple of beers when i woke up this morning and smoked some pot. Nothing since but i am hurting mentally and spiritually. I feel so bad and depressed from my failure its eating me up and the only thing i know to make it go away is having a stiff drink. So far hanging on by a thread but unsure how the day will turn out.

instant

Learning to live sober does not come without setbacks. Reassess and make a new plan. Beating yourself up does not help, it is part of the problem.

boing5050

Instant, i understand that and do appreciate your advice.
A couple of weeks back i had a solid plan, full of confidence and resolve. I felt strong and highly capable that i would succeed, the expectation were so high that i set myself up for a hard crash if i was to fail. I did and now i pay the price, the higher you go the harder you fall would describe where i am. As of now the inner strugle to rectify my path will rage on until i either come out of it or keep failing. This thread is helping me working things out and is why am here. Thanks for all the advice, it helps me fight off another drink.

WantToHeal

If posting here helps - I know it does for me - then by all means, keep posting and talking it out!

boing5050

Thanks WanToHeal.

Fandy

i've been there and all you can do is pick yourself up and do it again. one thing you can be sure of is that you will feel LESS depressed and upset the sooner you stop again. you will figure out what happened to lure you back and be better prepared. i'm not trying to put a positive spin on what happened, but you can learn from this. learn what not to do.

keep posting and try to relax a bit. beating yourself up over the circumstance doesn't help. I just hope you do not pick up another drink.

boing5050

Funny how i fell for it, i think it was on Friday as i was at the mall with my wife, on our way out we walked by a Chili's restaurant and i jokingly told my wife about we go in there and a grab a couple of margaritas, we laughed about it and moved on. A bit later while grocery shopping without realizing i made a turn in the liquor department to take a peek, i quickly caught myself and got away from there. Next thing i know The next evening we were both drinking margaritas in our backyard, of course we made a deal that it was only for that evening and back on the wagon the next day (over-confidence and feeling a bit too cocky for being able to quit and think i was in control)..Well the next morning came on and the drinks never ceased pouring, and now here i am pissed off saying over and over again w t f happened...........yup am a dumbarse and hate myself for it.

boing5050

Thanks Fandi,

Being over-confident from being able and feeling 100% in control to quit and be sober is what did me in, what is worse is that i very well knew i would feel that way and that i would be at risk of falling for a drink because of it..And like a fool i fell for it

desertsong

Don't be too hard on yourself, boing. I relapsed twice and each time it was worse. I shudder to think of how much WORSE it would be if I did it again. But in some ways, I'm grateful that I did relapse because both times taught me SO much about myself and about my drinking that I might not have figured out otherwise. Now I see where I made mistakes the last two times and am not repeating them.

There is always another opportunity for another Day 1. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and let this be a learning experience. You can do this.

Lily

Keep getting up, this is KEY! The fact that you recognize you failed is awesome! At least you are not numbing out and just forgetting about quiting. you can do this, many of us have been where you are at, but keep on posting and keep on getting back up!

Lily

boing5050

Thanks Desertsong, just so you know it took me over two years to bring myself to quit drinking, i was sober for a all year before then and only failed for the same reason i did a few days ago- then it was just a couple glasses of champagne to celebrate the new year and no more drinks after that evening, thoses few glasses of booze turned into 2 years drunk. This time i barely made it 5 days sober. I know i have the strenght to pick myself up and beat this stuff, its just one of them days being down on myself and working it out within. I think its good to get humbled and beat down a bit, this will **** me off enough to go back on the offensive and regain control. Actually am starting to recover and am about to slap myself back into sanity. My last drink was early this morning and i wont have another,,, NOW I QUIT DRINKING.

Fandy

any little thing can still set me up too...a commercial on TV the clink of ice cubes..but i've learned to turn this into something i can also enjoy drinking that is non-alcoholic.

desertsong

I hear ya. For me, all it takes is that first drink and it's all over.

Bravo for starting again. I'm rooting for you.

boing5050

I never relied on AA or any other program to help me remain sober, probably because i think i dont need to or that i can do it alone. But now i have to start considering that i obviously need a little help to remind me / keep me motivated to stay away from alcohol... I like the mentor idea without the AA sessions, is there such a program out there.

GirlFromCO

Boing, great decision making your last drink this morning. Many people would have said "F it, today is ruined so I'm going to get wasted." Heh, I remember saying that to myself once or twice I'm so proud of you!