MentalLoop

I have never been to AA, and don't attribute every stroke of bad luck or good luck to God, but I have been fortunate enough to understand the relevance and reality of my higher power. Here is my story:

When I was 19 or so, my family went through a horrible breakup. The kind where your father sneaked to the middle east while your mother was visiting her parents and revoked her travelling priviledges. Yup, women are cattle out there (although changing). My mother separated from her three kids, one who was nine, and was absent from work. I was desparate....and although I never went to church, I always had a belief in God. There are many fasting rituals my born in church does - vegan 55 days before lent, 40 days before christmas, two weeks in august. Being desperate I made a deal with God that I would fast the Easter lent if he brought my mom home. Of course she came home eventually.

Shortly after that I got caught thinking that God cannot be of my convenience, I cant only turn to him when I need him. Well August came and I figured I think I need to fast this one. Then December, and so on for 18 years now, I never missed a cycle.

Then I started thinking well if I lie or do things I believe to be wrong, then God couldn't possibly care if I fasted.....fasting doesn't reduce my transgressions. So then I started living my life by a code.....don't do anything you in your gutt believe to be wrong. Other people may not agree with me or I them, but so long as I am honest to myself and my intentions, then I am ok. Since I made that life shift around 20, God has never left me alone. Family, job, money...everything. of course I found a new God briefly...liquor, and my life went all waco - but another story.

Here is why I get it though....absent this commitment to God, I cant diet to save my life. I tried Atkins I tried south beach, weight watchers, etc. I fall in less than two days. But for 110 days a year I go vegan cold turkey without batting an eye...really, it is no sweat. Because I have a fear, love, unmitigated respect for God. With drinking no matter what I said to you all or my family, not until I made my commitment to God, did I resolve that I wouldn't drink. I need something higher, more powerful than me. Something in my core I don't want to let down. Somebody who is in my conscience every second of every day. God is that for me. I still have never set foot in church (actually, personally i think it is a sham ---my church), but my bond with my higher power - IT'S TIGHT!