My husband says his addiction is none of my business!
Soon-to-be-Ex-Wife of Addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Clarksburg, West Virginia
Posts: 30
My husband says his addiction is none of my business!
My husband says his addiction and recovery have nothing to do with me. Is there a way to convince him that I have questions and concerns...and that it DOES HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH ME?? Yeah, I didn't get to go out and party and spend all of our money getting high, but I did have to figure out how to pay the bills right along with him. I had to wait up all night wondering where my husband was and wondering what he was doing while he was out having a good old time. So, yeah, his illness and recovery have a LOT to do with me.
How do I convince this self-centered "recovering" addict that his actions affect more people than just him (the person that the whole world revolves around).
Here's our back story (if you're interested).
My husband has been addicted to various drugs for nearly 20 years. When I met him, he was clean, and he was clean our first year together. It had been a dream of his to own his own bar, so we made that happen. Our relationship began to unravel during that time, and he was breaking up with me every other day and then wanting me back a day later. Six months into this business venture, and he spent $800 (the rent for the building his bar was in) getting high. He came home the next morning completely broken and ashamed. He closed the door to the bar and never went back. I thought this was a one time relapse; I found out later that he had been getting high regularly while he owned the bar.
Half a year later, we got married. Things had been going so well since we closed the bar I thought his addiction was behind us. Suddenly he was threatening to divorce me on a regular basis. I couldn't understand what was going on. I finally left him after we'd been married a year. A month later, he begged me to come back home and I did. Within a week he was out all night getting high. He came home completely upset and admitted that he had been smoking crack regularly while we were broken up. He stopped talking to his "drug" friends, so I thought things were better.
Four months later, he cashed his paycheck and then went to visit one of his "friends". He came home with his $400 minus $200. He cried and begged my forgiveness, and of course I freely gave it.
Four months later he was going to take his nephew and me to a roller coaster park. He left $600 in his unlocked car, and someone stole it. So I cleaned out our savings account ($400) so we could go to the park (and not disappoint his nephew). I found out later that he spent that money on crack.
Two months later we bought a brand new car (I still didn't know he had spent the $600 getting high) and we were about to buy a house (A fixer upper). The contract was being drawn up, and all we needed was $500 for closing costs. I gave my husband my debit card (which had $530) so he could get gas on his way to pick up supplies for our future home. A few hours later, I noticed he'd made a $90 withdrawal. When asked about it, he said he had a flat tire and had to replace it. A few hours later, he wasn't where he was supposed to be, so I checked the account again and saw that over the course of a few hours he'd made 8 $40 withdrawals. I immediately reported my debit card stolen, and drove to the neighborhood where the ATM machine was he was making the withdrawls. I found his crack house and walked right in (God made a way, more on that at another time).
Long story short, I work for a municipal government, and therefore I work closely with the Chief of Police. He did me a favor, and we set up a quick sting operation to get my husband out of that house. He spent the night in jail, and when he got out he seemed ready to make a change.
A month later, I went on a trip with my church, and while I was gone he got high every night. I did not know this, and when I came home he announced he wanted a divorce and moved out. A few days later (and $1,000 broker) he came home. So I moved out. I was gone two weeks, and apparently that's when he finally hit bottom. He spent another $1,500 in two days getting high, and missed work without calling.
So the idea of losing his JOB made him take action. He checked himself into rehab, but not before convincing me to give him ONE MORE CHANCE. He wrote to me and called me while in rehab. Once he got out of rehab, he started going to NA meetings every night for a month. He's been clean about 90 days, and he goes to meetings around twice a week.
The PROBLEM NOW is how indifferent he is about how this whole ordeal has affected ME!!!! He has aaaaaaaaaaaaaall of this support (NA, Rehab, friends, etc.) Nobody gives a CRAP about me!!!! I didn't have the downpayment on my house because of HIS choice. I can't keep money in savings because I'm always suffering from HIS choice.
I head to deal with all of the fallout from his addiction without the luxury of getting high to get through it. I had to deal with this mess SOBER...AND I DIDN'T GET TO MAKE ANY CHOICES ABOUT IT!
Around Thanksgiving (after he'd been clean around 60 days) I had asked him if he'd found a sponsor. He hadn't. I mentioned it again a couple weeks later. He still hadn't found one. A week later he was talking to his sister, and he said, "I got me a sponsor."
I was floored. Why didn't he tell me??? After she left, I asked him why he got a sponsor but didn't tell me. His response? "It has nothing to do with you."
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?! His sobriety has nothing to do with me!?!?!?!
I told him how this hurt me, and he said he didn't mean it like that. However, a few weeks later I asked him if he was going to an NA Meeting (because I wanted to know if he was going to be home for dinner or not) and he said, "Why? That has nothing to do with you!"
AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!
So I try to let his addiction be aaaaaaaaall about him (even though the consequences are shared).
Tonight he was about half an hour later getting home from an NA Meeting. So I called his cell phone and asked where he was. He told me he was at his friend's house...
This friend USED to sell marijuana. His house wreaks of marijuana. I haven't been there in over a year, and my husband says that this friend is clean.
A year ago, my husband disappeared with this same friend for 12 hours to get high on crack.
So, out of anger, I told him that I was going to tell his sponsor on him. He said, "If I want a babysitter, I'll let you know."
Three months is long enough for me to start to let my guard down. At four months he has a relapse. I'm hoping that all of the effort he's put into his sobriety sticks, but we'll see. Month #4 is coming up and I'm getting scared.
Not that there's anything I can do about it. I just get to suffer the consequences if I stay married to him.
How do I convince this self-centered "recovering" addict that his actions affect more people than just him (the person that the whole world revolves around).
Here's our back story (if you're interested).
My husband has been addicted to various drugs for nearly 20 years. When I met him, he was clean, and he was clean our first year together. It had been a dream of his to own his own bar, so we made that happen. Our relationship began to unravel during that time, and he was breaking up with me every other day and then wanting me back a day later. Six months into this business venture, and he spent $800 (the rent for the building his bar was in) getting high. He came home the next morning completely broken and ashamed. He closed the door to the bar and never went back. I thought this was a one time relapse; I found out later that he had been getting high regularly while he owned the bar.
Half a year later, we got married. Things had been going so well since we closed the bar I thought his addiction was behind us. Suddenly he was threatening to divorce me on a regular basis. I couldn't understand what was going on. I finally left him after we'd been married a year. A month later, he begged me to come back home and I did. Within a week he was out all night getting high. He came home completely upset and admitted that he had been smoking crack regularly while we were broken up. He stopped talking to his "drug" friends, so I thought things were better.
Four months later, he cashed his paycheck and then went to visit one of his "friends". He came home with his $400 minus $200. He cried and begged my forgiveness, and of course I freely gave it.
Four months later he was going to take his nephew and me to a roller coaster park. He left $600 in his unlocked car, and someone stole it. So I cleaned out our savings account ($400) so we could go to the park (and not disappoint his nephew). I found out later that he spent that money on crack.
Two months later we bought a brand new car (I still didn't know he had spent the $600 getting high) and we were about to buy a house (A fixer upper). The contract was being drawn up, and all we needed was $500 for closing costs. I gave my husband my debit card (which had $530) so he could get gas on his way to pick up supplies for our future home. A few hours later, I noticed he'd made a $90 withdrawal. When asked about it, he said he had a flat tire and had to replace it. A few hours later, he wasn't where he was supposed to be, so I checked the account again and saw that over the course of a few hours he'd made 8 $40 withdrawals. I immediately reported my debit card stolen, and drove to the neighborhood where the ATM machine was he was making the withdrawls. I found his crack house and walked right in (God made a way, more on that at another time).
Long story short, I work for a municipal government, and therefore I work closely with the Chief of Police. He did me a favor, and we set up a quick sting operation to get my husband out of that house. He spent the night in jail, and when he got out he seemed ready to make a change.
A month later, I went on a trip with my church, and while I was gone he got high every night. I did not know this, and when I came home he announced he wanted a divorce and moved out. A few days later (and $1,000 broker) he came home. So I moved out. I was gone two weeks, and apparently that's when he finally hit bottom. He spent another $1,500 in two days getting high, and missed work without calling.
So the idea of losing his JOB made him take action. He checked himself into rehab, but not before convincing me to give him ONE MORE CHANCE. He wrote to me and called me while in rehab. Once he got out of rehab, he started going to NA meetings every night for a month. He's been clean about 90 days, and he goes to meetings around twice a week.
The PROBLEM NOW is how indifferent he is about how this whole ordeal has affected ME!!!! He has aaaaaaaaaaaaaall of this support (NA, Rehab, friends, etc.) Nobody gives a CRAP about me!!!! I didn't have the downpayment on my house because of HIS choice. I can't keep money in savings because I'm always suffering from HIS choice.
I head to deal with all of the fallout from his addiction without the luxury of getting high to get through it. I had to deal with this mess SOBER...AND I DIDN'T GET TO MAKE ANY CHOICES ABOUT IT!
Around Thanksgiving (after he'd been clean around 60 days) I had asked him if he'd found a sponsor. He hadn't. I mentioned it again a couple weeks later. He still hadn't found one. A week later he was talking to his sister, and he said, "I got me a sponsor."
I was floored. Why didn't he tell me??? After she left, I asked him why he got a sponsor but didn't tell me. His response? "It has nothing to do with you."
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?! His sobriety has nothing to do with me!?!?!?!
I told him how this hurt me, and he said he didn't mean it like that. However, a few weeks later I asked him if he was going to an NA Meeting (because I wanted to know if he was going to be home for dinner or not) and he said, "Why? That has nothing to do with you!"
AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!
So I try to let his addiction be aaaaaaaaall about him (even though the consequences are shared).
Tonight he was about half an hour later getting home from an NA Meeting. So I called his cell phone and asked where he was. He told me he was at his friend's house...
This friend USED to sell marijuana. His house wreaks of marijuana. I haven't been there in over a year, and my husband says that this friend is clean.
A year ago, my husband disappeared with this same friend for 12 hours to get high on crack.
So, out of anger, I told him that I was going to tell his sponsor on him. He said, "If I want a babysitter, I'll let you know."
Three months is long enough for me to start to let my guard down. At four months he has a relapse. I'm hoping that all of the effort he's put into his sobriety sticks, but we'll see. Month #4 is coming up and I'm getting scared.
Not that there's anything I can do about it. I just get to suffer the consequences if I stay married to him.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
Welcome to SR! Have you considered attending nar-anon or al-anon meetings? I really think they could help you. In a way, he is right that his recovery is his, even though his addiction did affect you. Instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop, why not find a meeting where you can get some face-to-face support from others who are going through the same thing?
Take some time to read around the forum and don't miss the "stickie" posts at the top. There is a lot of good information there. Please keep posting...it will help.
Take some time to read around the forum and don't miss the "stickie" posts at the top. There is a lot of good information there. Please keep posting...it will help.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Crazy Land USA
Posts: 259
Are you attending Naranon or alanon meetings? You need to work on yourself and your recovery. He is right. His recovery is his business. We learn from working our own program to not catch them when they fall, to stop bailing them out. I suggest you attend f2f meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps. I recommend you pick up Codependent No More. You can't fix him. You didn't cause it you can't cure it and you can't control it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((WMaxwell))) - Welcome to SR, though sorry for what has brought you here.
I'm both a recovering crack addict and a recovering codependent who has loved ones who are addicts. When I began recovery, I was in my 40's, living back home with dad/stepmom because of the financial and other consequences of my addiction.
Though I do believe his recovery is his, I also know that I was expected to have a job, pay bills, help dad in his business and around the house. My family doesn't really "get" recovery so there was nothing about meetings or sponsors. It was more about my ACTIONS. Did I do what I said I would, was I where I said I would be?
Yep, I felt like a teenager again, but I brought it on myself. Almost 5 years later, I have their complete trust and I'm the "responsible and reliable" one in the family.
I've been on your side, too - been lied to, stolen from, etc. Difference was, my ex's never got into recovery. I had to deal with the anger, grief and all those other feelings but the great folks here helped me do that. I do agree with al-anon or nar-anon meetings may help. I don't go, but I have some really supportive people in my life - that f2f support helps a lot.
The fact is, no matter what he does, or doesn't do, you can still have a good life. I know, when we're enmeshed with them, it's hard to see it, but it's true.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm both a recovering crack addict and a recovering codependent who has loved ones who are addicts. When I began recovery, I was in my 40's, living back home with dad/stepmom because of the financial and other consequences of my addiction.
Though I do believe his recovery is his, I also know that I was expected to have a job, pay bills, help dad in his business and around the house. My family doesn't really "get" recovery so there was nothing about meetings or sponsors. It was more about my ACTIONS. Did I do what I said I would, was I where I said I would be?
Yep, I felt like a teenager again, but I brought it on myself. Almost 5 years later, I have their complete trust and I'm the "responsible and reliable" one in the family.
I've been on your side, too - been lied to, stolen from, etc. Difference was, my ex's never got into recovery. I had to deal with the anger, grief and all those other feelings but the great folks here helped me do that. I do agree with al-anon or nar-anon meetings may help. I don't go, but I have some really supportive people in my life - that f2f support helps a lot.
The fact is, no matter what he does, or doesn't do, you can still have a good life. I know, when we're enmeshed with them, it's hard to see it, but it's true.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Soon-to-be-Ex-Wife of Addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Clarksburg, West Virginia
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by suki44883 
Welcome to SR! Have you considered attending nar-anon or al-anon meetings? I really think they could help you. In a way, he is right that his recovery is his, even though his addiction did affect you. Instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop, why not find a meeting where you can get some face-to-face support from others who are going through the same thing?
Take some time to read around the forum and don't miss the "stickie" posts at the top. There is a lot of good information there. Please keep posting...it will help.
Take some time to read around the forum and don't miss the "stickie" posts at the top. There is a lot of good information there. Please keep posting...it will help.
I feel like I am the only person in the world who is ANGRY about this whole thing instead of being just hurt by it. Yeah, it hurts, but I feel more anger and resentment than anything.
I guess I'll go to that Al-anon meeting again...but I really don't want to.
I guess if a bunch of angry "victims" got in a room together it would just make everything worse because we would fuel one another's anger.
Soon-to-be-Ex-Wife of Addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Clarksburg, West Virginia
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by Impurrfect
(((WMaxwell))) - Welcome to SR, though sorry for what has brought you here.
I'm both a recovering crack addict and a recovering codependent who has loved ones who are addicts. When I began recovery, I was in my 40's, living back home with dad/stepmom because of the financial and other consequences of my addiction.
Though I do believe his recovery is his, I also know that I was expected to have a job, pay bills, help dad in his business and around the house. My family doesn't really "get" recovery so there was nothing about meetings or sponsors. It was more about my ACTIONS. Did I do what I said I would, was I where I said I would be?
Yep, I felt like a teenager again, but I brought it on myself. Almost 5 years later, I have their complete trust and I'm the "responsible and reliable" one in the family.
I've been on your side, too - been lied to, stolen from, etc. Difference was, my ex's never got into recovery. I had to deal with the anger, grief and all those other feelings but the great folks here helped me do that. I do agree with al-anon or nar-anon meetings may help. I don't go, but I have some really supportive people in my life - that f2f support helps a lot.
The fact is, no matter what he does, or doesn't do, you can still have a good life. I know, when we're enmeshed with them, it's hard to see it, but it's true.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm both a recovering crack addict and a recovering codependent who has loved ones who are addicts. When I began recovery, I was in my 40's, living back home with dad/stepmom because of the financial and other consequences of my addiction.
Though I do believe his recovery is his, I also know that I was expected to have a job, pay bills, help dad in his business and around the house. My family doesn't really "get" recovery so there was nothing about meetings or sponsors. It was more about my ACTIONS. Did I do what I said I would, was I where I said I would be?
Yep, I felt like a teenager again, but I brought it on myself. Almost 5 years later, I have their complete trust and I'm the "responsible and reliable" one in the family.
I've been on your side, too - been lied to, stolen from, etc. Difference was, my ex's never got into recovery. I had to deal with the anger, grief and all those other feelings but the great folks here helped me do that. I do agree with al-anon or nar-anon meetings may help. I don't go, but I have some really supportive people in my life - that f2f support helps a lot.
The fact is, no matter what he does, or doesn't do, you can still have a good life. I know, when we're enmeshed with them, it's hard to see it, but it's true.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
P.S. I LOVE your name "Impurrfect". LOVE IT!
Soon-to-be-Ex-Wife of Addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Clarksburg, West Virginia
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by Farfalla
Are you attending Naranon or alanon meetings? You need to work on yourself and your recovery. He is right. His recovery is his business. We learn from working our own program to not catch them when they fall, to stop bailing them out. I suggest you attend f2f meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps. I recommend you pick up Codependent No More. You can't fix him. You didn't cause it you can't cure it and you can't control it.
I don't bail him out. I called the cops, I sent him to jail, and I left him there. He bonded himself out and thumbed the 50 miles home.
I resent being tricked, manipulated, and lied to. I put my jewelry in a lock box and keep it at work because I can't trust him to not steal it! I HATE THAT! IT MAKES ME ANGRY!
I don't need help not catching him when he falls. I need help staying one step ahead of his manipulative addict so I don't fall victim again. Is there a book on that? If he wants to earn $1,500 and then spend every penny of it getting high then that's his business. I get angry, however, when I have to spend my whole paycheck to make sure I have electricity because he can't help with the bills. That's unacceptable.
I talk way too much about this. I get talking about all of the anger and I have trouble stopping.
Soon-to-be-Ex-Wife of Addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Clarksburg, West Virginia
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by suki44883
Not sure what's up with the "thumbs down" and "bashing" emoticons. I certainly don't think I deserved that, but, whatever.
Sorry you're so angry.
Sorry you're so angry.
The thumbs down was in relation to there not being any NarAnon meetings near me. That makes me angry too. Why does he get so much support and there is NONE for me?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by WMaxwell
Thank you for your response. I do not think anything to do with his addiction is my fault. In fact, I am angry that something I have NO CONROL OVER has such a profound impact on my life. I hate hate hate that this isn't my fault, I had nothing to do with it, yet I have to struggle through the mess HE makes because he's my husband! Grrrr
I don't bail him out. I called the cops, I sent him to jail, and I left him there. He bonded himself out and thumbed the 50 miles home.
I resent being tricked, manipulated, and lied to. I put my jewelry in a lock box and keep it at work because I can't trust him to not steal it! I HATE THAT! IT MAKES ME ANGRY!
I don't need help not catching him when he falls. I need help staying one step ahead of his manipulative addict so I don't fall victim again. Is there a book on that? If he wants to earn $1,500 and then spend every penny of it getting high then that's his business. I get angry, however, when I have to spend my whole paycheck to make sure I have electricity because he can't help with the bills. That's unacceptable.
I talk way too much about this. I get talking about all of the anger and I have trouble stopping.
I don't bail him out. I called the cops, I sent him to jail, and I left him there. He bonded himself out and thumbed the 50 miles home.
I resent being tricked, manipulated, and lied to. I put my jewelry in a lock box and keep it at work because I can't trust him to not steal it! I HATE THAT! IT MAKES ME ANGRY!
I don't need help not catching him when he falls. I need help staying one step ahead of his manipulative addict so I don't fall victim again. Is there a book on that? If he wants to earn $1,500 and then spend every penny of it getting high then that's his business. I get angry, however, when I have to spend my whole paycheck to make sure I have electricity because he can't help with the bills. That's unacceptable.
I talk way too much about this. I get talking about all of the anger and I have trouble stopping.
Why does he have access to your accounts? Why does he still live in your house?
Al-anon is more about recognizing the impact that alcohol/drugs has on YOUR life. It is about accepting that alcohol /drugs are making your life unmanageable and you don't know how to fix that. It is having people who have been there before you and who can tell you HOW to stop letting their behavior make you crazy! I'm definately NOT saying it is for everyone and it might not be for you but it sounds as if you are making it NOT for you only after one meeting.
We don't have a big selection in my area either (no naranon and two alanon meetings) but I didn't like one and tonight was my first visit at the other....I found a lot of people I can relate to in that meeting.
Soon-to-be-Ex-Wife of Addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Clarksburg, West Virginia
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by InnocntBystnder
So why do you do all of those things if you hate them?
Why does he have access to your accounts? Why does he still live in your house?
Al-anon is more about recognizing the impact that alcohol/drugs has on YOUR life. It is about accepting that alcohol /drugs are making your life unmanageable and you don't know how to fix that. It is having people who have been there before you and who can tell you HOW to stop letting their behavior make you crazy! I'm definately NOT saying it is for everyone and it might not be for you but it sounds as if you are making it NOT for you only after one meeting.
We don't have a big selection in my area either (no naranon and two alanon meetings) but I didn't like one and tonight was my first visit at the other....I found a lot of people I can relate to in that meeting.
Why does he have access to your accounts? Why does he still live in your house?
Al-anon is more about recognizing the impact that alcohol/drugs has on YOUR life. It is about accepting that alcohol /drugs are making your life unmanageable and you don't know how to fix that. It is having people who have been there before you and who can tell you HOW to stop letting their behavior make you crazy! I'm definately NOT saying it is for everyone and it might not be for you but it sounds as if you are making it NOT for you only after one meeting.
We don't have a big selection in my area either (no naranon and two alanon meetings) but I didn't like one and tonight was my first visit at the other....I found a lot of people I can relate to in that meeting.
I have one Al-anon meeting...I guess I'll try it again and see if it's better.
Soon-to-be-Ex-Wife of Addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Clarksburg, West Virginia
Posts: 30
He just asked me if I was still on this board and I admitted that I was. He then asked what you guys were saying, and I said, "Dont' worry about it, it has nothing to do with you." He got upset and said, "how does it have nothing to do with me??"
?
So his recovery has nothing to do with me...is my recovery any of his business?
?
So his recovery has nothing to do with me...is my recovery any of his business?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((WMaxwell))) - SR has been a huge help in me getting through the various feelings I've had about my ex's (I had 3 ex-addict/alcoholic bf's = XABF).
I found that anger suited me well, a lot of times - it spurred me into action. I get it.
I AM a codependent (codie) - big time. What really sucked? I had to admit that I allowed a lot of the stuff that had been done to me. Can you say "OUCH!!!"
I'm not saying that's you. What I am saying is - what would you do if he wasn't in the picture. Is he working now? Contributing to the bills? If not, why? When I got into recovery, I was working. Yes, I still depend on my family for the roof over my head, but I do contribute. There is another member here who got out of rehab, had no car and 2 daughters to raise. Wake up time!
Yes, recovery is very important. However, it doesn't mean you get to do whatever you want and let others take up the slack. My REAL recovery came when all he!! was raining down on me (consequences catching up to me) and I had to figure a way out of it - and not use.
It took anger and the realization that my last XABF was not going to "suit up and show up" for me to tell him goodbye. Yes, I still loved him but love isn't enough. Take away the drugs, and some people are still immature, feel entitled or are just jerks.
YOUR feelings are important, too. A lot of people that have a loved one who is an addict/alcoholic have some measure of PTSD. The good news is, we can work through all that. I've dealt with addiction recovery, codependency recovery and PTSD (not addiction related) right here at SR.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I found that anger suited me well, a lot of times - it spurred me into action. I get it.
I AM a codependent (codie) - big time. What really sucked? I had to admit that I allowed a lot of the stuff that had been done to me. Can you say "OUCH!!!"
I'm not saying that's you. What I am saying is - what would you do if he wasn't in the picture. Is he working now? Contributing to the bills? If not, why? When I got into recovery, I was working. Yes, I still depend on my family for the roof over my head, but I do contribute. There is another member here who got out of rehab, had no car and 2 daughters to raise. Wake up time!
Yes, recovery is very important. However, it doesn't mean you get to do whatever you want and let others take up the slack. My REAL recovery came when all he!! was raining down on me (consequences catching up to me) and I had to figure a way out of it - and not use.
It took anger and the realization that my last XABF was not going to "suit up and show up" for me to tell him goodbye. Yes, I still loved him but love isn't enough. Take away the drugs, and some people are still immature, feel entitled or are just jerks.
YOUR feelings are important, too. A lot of people that have a loved one who is an addict/alcoholic have some measure of PTSD. The good news is, we can work through all that. I've dealt with addiction recovery, codependency recovery and PTSD (not addiction related) right here at SR.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 35
Ding, ding, ding.....that's the answer.
You can let keep hope but no matter how much you hope, he's not going to change until he is ready. The addict is NEVER going to go away. The addict might be in remission or recovery but the addict is ALWAYS there. You should accept that right now if you want to stay with him. It can ALWAYS come back.
Listen.....you don't HAVE to give up on who he could be but stop living in the fantasy that you want your life to be and start living in the reality it is.
It's hard...I know. I've been there before and I'm there again. My husband had several YEARS clean and relapsed before Thanksgiving.
You can let keep hope but no matter how much you hope, he's not going to change until he is ready. The addict is NEVER going to go away. The addict might be in remission or recovery but the addict is ALWAYS there. You should accept that right now if you want to stay with him. It can ALWAYS come back.
Listen.....you don't HAVE to give up on who he could be but stop living in the fantasy that you want your life to be and start living in the reality it is.
It's hard...I know. I've been there before and I'm there again. My husband had several YEARS clean and relapsed before Thanksgiving.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Even though I'm a recovering addict (RA), I have to agree with (((Innocnt))). I finally called it quits with XABF#3 (slow learner) when I realized that no matter HOW long he was in recovery (if he ever chose it - he didn't, he died in a crack house) I wouldn't trust him. I'd never be able to leave him in my home, and not worry that I'd come home and everything would be gone (has happened before).
I've been in recovery for going on 5 years. I'm not cured. YES I want people to trust me, but I've put in 5 years of recovery, dealing with a whole lot of stuff (robberies at work, family deaths, addiction in family) and I work my recovery. I get up, each day, and I choose a life without substances, after 20+ years of using/abusing one thing or another.
I also forgot to mention locking up stuff. I have medications that I need to sleep (thanks to PTSD) and my stepmom has stolen them. I have to lock them up in a lock box. It INFURIATES me, and she hasn't tried to steal them in a long time, but then she hasn't been able to. Thing is, MY consequences are such that I need to live here. So, I get to deal with this. YOU didn't do anything to cause this behavior, but it is your choice.
If I had the means, I would set a boundary (al-anon AND SR are good at helping me with boundaries) - you steal from me ONE more time, and I'm gone. I can't do that. I have set the boundary that if I find stepmom passed out, I will check her breathing (I was a nurse - lost that career to addiction), and if she's breathing, I will leave her where she is. She hasn't done that in a long time.
It's HARD to set boundaries because if we don't follow through, they mean nothing (my dad is really good at not following through). Maybe it's time for you to set boundaries, but only if you're really ready to follow through.
I'm not saying he can't be the man you want him to be. I'm only saying that you have the right to expect certain things from a relationship, and if he can't follow through? Then you have to think about whether it's worth it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I've been in recovery for going on 5 years. I'm not cured. YES I want people to trust me, but I've put in 5 years of recovery, dealing with a whole lot of stuff (robberies at work, family deaths, addiction in family) and I work my recovery. I get up, each day, and I choose a life without substances, after 20+ years of using/abusing one thing or another.
I also forgot to mention locking up stuff. I have medications that I need to sleep (thanks to PTSD) and my stepmom has stolen them. I have to lock them up in a lock box. It INFURIATES me, and she hasn't tried to steal them in a long time, but then she hasn't been able to. Thing is, MY consequences are such that I need to live here. So, I get to deal with this. YOU didn't do anything to cause this behavior, but it is your choice.
If I had the means, I would set a boundary (al-anon AND SR are good at helping me with boundaries) - you steal from me ONE more time, and I'm gone. I can't do that. I have set the boundary that if I find stepmom passed out, I will check her breathing (I was a nurse - lost that career to addiction), and if she's breathing, I will leave her where she is. She hasn't done that in a long time.
It's HARD to set boundaries because if we don't follow through, they mean nothing (my dad is really good at not following through). Maybe it's time for you to set boundaries, but only if you're really ready to follow through.
I'm not saying he can't be the man you want him to be. I'm only saying that you have the right to expect certain things from a relationship, and if he can't follow through? Then you have to think about whether it's worth it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Soon-to-be-Ex-Wife of Addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Clarksburg, West Virginia
Posts: 30
Thank you both for the advice.
Purr - he does work. he does earn money and he contributes to the household. He's a Union employee and being able to pass drug tests is important to his employment. His job is very important to him, and the thought of losing it spurred him to action.
Innocent - You say I need to start living in the reality of what my life is. I don't completely understand what this means. Can you elaborate?
Purr - he does work. he does earn money and he contributes to the household. He's a Union employee and being able to pass drug tests is important to his employment. His job is very important to him, and the thought of losing it spurred him to action.
Innocent - You say I need to start living in the reality of what my life is. I don't completely understand what this means. Can you elaborate?
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((WMaxwell))) - I'm glad he is working and contributing to the household expenses. I can sort of expand on what ((innocent)) was talking about.
Addiction is a life-long disease. We're never cured, we have a daily reprieve but it's dependent on working our recovery.
Knowing that, are you prepared to deal with this...forever? She mentions that her husband had several years in recovery then went back out. This is a possibility, so is this what you want to deal with? He's shutting you out of his recovery, yet telling his sister about a sponsor after you'd asked him about it. This MAY change but what if it doesn't?
Addiction changes the rules of a relationship. Trust has to be re-earned (by the addict) and it's not always possible. How long are you going to lock up your stuff? What has to change before you're okay without doing that?
I'm NOT saying that he can't recover and you can have a future together. Heck, even people who get together don't know what the future holds, it's just that addiction changes things.
I think there are just a lot of questions you have to ask yourself, and one of them is "when will I NOT feel angry?". As I said, I understand your anger, but a relationship is a two-way street. Yes, early recovery has it's challenges, and they say that an A has the emotional maturity of the age when they started using. It takes time to catch up, but some just never do.
I believe in hope, I really do. I also believe in taking care of ourselves so that no matter what happens, even if it really hurts, we will be okay. Knowing "I'll be okay" goes a long way in getting back our serenity.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Addiction is a life-long disease. We're never cured, we have a daily reprieve but it's dependent on working our recovery.
Knowing that, are you prepared to deal with this...forever? She mentions that her husband had several years in recovery then went back out. This is a possibility, so is this what you want to deal with? He's shutting you out of his recovery, yet telling his sister about a sponsor after you'd asked him about it. This MAY change but what if it doesn't?
Addiction changes the rules of a relationship. Trust has to be re-earned (by the addict) and it's not always possible. How long are you going to lock up your stuff? What has to change before you're okay without doing that?
I'm NOT saying that he can't recover and you can have a future together. Heck, even people who get together don't know what the future holds, it's just that addiction changes things.
I think there are just a lot of questions you have to ask yourself, and one of them is "when will I NOT feel angry?". As I said, I understand your anger, but a relationship is a two-way street. Yes, early recovery has it's challenges, and they say that an A has the emotional maturity of the age when they started using. It takes time to catch up, but some just never do.
I believe in hope, I really do. I also believe in taking care of ourselves so that no matter what happens, even if it really hurts, we will be okay. Knowing "I'll be okay" goes a long way in getting back our serenity.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
Yes, his recovery is not your business.
But your (mutual) marriage is your business. Your (mutual) finances are his business, etc...
Good for you for telling him your recovery is not any of his business. I got a laugh out of that. Wouldn't hurt to be gone a few nights either and if he asks remind him that it's not any of his business.
But I think you had it right, as long as you are with him, the marriage is not likely to be a happy one.
But your (mutual) marriage is your business. Your (mutual) finances are his business, etc...
Good for you for telling him your recovery is not any of his business. I got a laugh out of that. Wouldn't hurt to be gone a few nights either and if he asks remind him that it's not any of his business.
But I think you had it right, as long as you are with him, the marriage is not likely to be a happy one.
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