Resentments
Clever Yak
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
Resentments
Maybe this is better suited to the adult children section, but I figured I'd post here simply because I know some people are dealing with resentments too, whether they grew up with an addict or not.
My main question: How the hell did you get over them? I am at a loss. My dad may be dead now but I still resent him for a lot of the things he did. I also hold resentments against my mom for how she acted when we were still "one big happy family," and the whole ordeal after my dad's death. Though a lot of you are in the position of leaving spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends/children how do you get over your resentments? I guess for me it's just not something I'm either ready to do or can do, maybe. I want to be able to just let things go, almost forget about them, but I'm having such a hard time doing so because I know that a lot of their behaviors have had a serious impact on the person I am today. How can I not feel like blaming them? How can I not resent them for making me grow up like that? And I'm not talking about my own addiction, I take responsibility for that. I'm talking about my inability to get close to people and feel comfortable about it, my inability to trust other people or even myself! I just don't feel connected to people. I'm tired of pretending that I'm close to people when really I feel like if they walked out of my life the next day, I wouldn't care. That is how detached I am and its ridiculous. There are very few people that I know I would be extremely sad if I did not have their friendship anymore. My parents have screwed me up. I know a lot of you will object to that, but what else could have happened? As far as I know, you cannot screw up yourself...by yourself. I know I need to let my resentments go, and that blaming people does absolutely zip, but I'm angry and frustrated. How can I just let the hell I lived through, go? That just doesn't seem fair.
Never thought that at 20, I would feel like I've had enough life. Somedays I feel like I should be 90 with how much crap I've experienced...
My main question: How the hell did you get over them? I am at a loss. My dad may be dead now but I still resent him for a lot of the things he did. I also hold resentments against my mom for how she acted when we were still "one big happy family," and the whole ordeal after my dad's death. Though a lot of you are in the position of leaving spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends/children how do you get over your resentments? I guess for me it's just not something I'm either ready to do or can do, maybe. I want to be able to just let things go, almost forget about them, but I'm having such a hard time doing so because I know that a lot of their behaviors have had a serious impact on the person I am today. How can I not feel like blaming them? How can I not resent them for making me grow up like that? And I'm not talking about my own addiction, I take responsibility for that. I'm talking about my inability to get close to people and feel comfortable about it, my inability to trust other people or even myself! I just don't feel connected to people. I'm tired of pretending that I'm close to people when really I feel like if they walked out of my life the next day, I wouldn't care. That is how detached I am and its ridiculous. There are very few people that I know I would be extremely sad if I did not have their friendship anymore. My parents have screwed me up. I know a lot of you will object to that, but what else could have happened? As far as I know, you cannot screw up yourself...by yourself. I know I need to let my resentments go, and that blaming people does absolutely zip, but I'm angry and frustrated. How can I just let the hell I lived through, go? That just doesn't seem fair.
Never thought that at 20, I would feel like I've had enough life. Somedays I feel like I should be 90 with how much crap I've experienced...
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Speedy,
This is a difficult mountain to climb. I, at age 64, am still trying to make it over the top to enjoy the beauty of the valley on the other side.
My alcoholic mother is still alive at age 86, she is a miserable, nasty drunk, who I believe, I detest, I have forgiven her so many times, that I no longer have any forgiveness for her, I just tolerate her.
Like yours, my childhood was a mess, through therapy, Alanon and this board I have been able to leave the past where it belongs....in the past...it's over, it cannpt be changed...I keep telling myself "Make the past a guidepost, not a hitching post"...I strive to be a better
person, not a carbon copy of my mother or father. My life is what I have made it to be, it fits me. I wake up every morning and ask myself what positive thing can I accomplish today? How can I enrich my life, and those of others?
Life is what you make of it, you are young and should be excited about all the possibilities that life has to offer, it is a mindset, one that you can redirect through the power of positive thinking, search the net for information on how to redirect your thoughts to become
a positive, forward thinking person.
As ever, Dolly
This is a difficult mountain to climb. I, at age 64, am still trying to make it over the top to enjoy the beauty of the valley on the other side.
My alcoholic mother is still alive at age 86, she is a miserable, nasty drunk, who I believe, I detest, I have forgiven her so many times, that I no longer have any forgiveness for her, I just tolerate her.
Like yours, my childhood was a mess, through therapy, Alanon and this board I have been able to leave the past where it belongs....in the past...it's over, it cannpt be changed...I keep telling myself "Make the past a guidepost, not a hitching post"...I strive to be a better
person, not a carbon copy of my mother or father. My life is what I have made it to be, it fits me. I wake up every morning and ask myself what positive thing can I accomplish today? How can I enrich my life, and those of others?
Life is what you make of it, you are young and should be excited about all the possibilities that life has to offer, it is a mindset, one that you can redirect through the power of positive thinking, search the net for information on how to redirect your thoughts to become
a positive, forward thinking person.
As ever, Dolly
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
"Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."
- Carrie Fisher
I keep this on my desktop, as well as other stickies to keep me "in check".... it's a good one.
- Carrie Fisher
I keep this on my desktop, as well as other stickies to keep me "in check".... it's a good one.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Jason))
Resentment is a poison ~ I know that, you know that.
BUT we are human, the things we have experienced in our lives have caused us many emotions. WE continue our recovery path ~ these emotions will probably stay with us most of our lives ~ HOW we choose to deal with them is the beauty of our recovery. . .
Somedays I feel totally free from my past, I feel healed, at peace and calm
The next day I feel burdened down, dark and overwhelmed by the grief, pain and hurt of the memories of shame, regret and resentments
On those days ~ I know I need lots of self-care, recovery, prayer, meetings, one on one time with the God of my understanding, maybe some time with my Sponsor and some SR time.
Maybe someday I'll be totally free from the resentments that crop up every now and then . . . maybe I won't ~ I think the key for me is to KNOW what to do when I have those feelings. . .
To process them, NOT react, and not beat myself up over a natural emotion - just focus on the NEXT right thing in recovery and remember This Too Shall Pass!
Just my e, s, & h and what works for me!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Resentment is a poison ~ I know that, you know that.
BUT we are human, the things we have experienced in our lives have caused us many emotions. WE continue our recovery path ~ these emotions will probably stay with us most of our lives ~ HOW we choose to deal with them is the beauty of our recovery. . .
Somedays I feel totally free from my past, I feel healed, at peace and calm
The next day I feel burdened down, dark and overwhelmed by the grief, pain and hurt of the memories of shame, regret and resentments
On those days ~ I know I need lots of self-care, recovery, prayer, meetings, one on one time with the God of my understanding, maybe some time with my Sponsor and some SR time.
Maybe someday I'll be totally free from the resentments that crop up every now and then . . . maybe I won't ~ I think the key for me is to KNOW what to do when I have those feelings. . .
To process them, NOT react, and not beat myself up over a natural emotion - just focus on the NEXT right thing in recovery and remember This Too Shall Pass!
Just my e, s, & h and what works for me!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 35
My dad is an alcoholic. He has almost 17 years sober now I think but for the majority of my growing up period (until I was 11 or 12) he was a mean liquor drinker. I will never forget growing up that way for as long as I live and I KNOW it is part of the reason that I chose an addict as my husband.
I don't really know HOW to let go of the resentments. I work on forgiveness but sometiems it does rear its ugly head. I just tell myself that the person I am angry with has already asked me for forgiveness so that I don't bite their head off.
I'm pretty sure I need to start back therapy because I need to work out some of these issues.
I don't really know HOW to let go of the resentments. I work on forgiveness but sometiems it does rear its ugly head. I just tell myself that the person I am angry with has already asked me for forgiveness so that I don't bite their head off.
I'm pretty sure I need to start back therapy because I need to work out some of these issues.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by SpeedyJason 
How can I just let the hell I lived through, go?
I was the first person in my huge family tree to see a therapist (I was in my early 20's), and I was making great progress until I got comfortable and stopped. I was breaking all the old cycles and patterns until I stopped. Then I ended up perpetuating them with my daughter, when she lost self control. I reverted back to old ways because I didn't continue to do all the work I needed.
We all only do what we know. I did what I knew, just like my parents, and their parents, and so on.
Jason, you've only done what you know, just like your parents. They obviously didn't have any healthy coping skills, either. Realizing my parents weren't able to teach me healthy coping skills, then acquiring them for myself, is what set me free.
I needed professional help and so has my daughter. She's smarter and more humble than me at her age. She knows she has to continue making the changes permanent.
It may be time to seek professional help, before resentment derails you.
"Be the change you wish to see in the world."
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Dr. Drew says that an intoxicated parent is an abandoning parent.
When we are abandoned as children, we put on a thick body armor to protect ourselves from ever being devastated to the core again.
I believe that if you continue to stay sober, and alive, that God has already put in place--in your future--those people and experiences which will show up at the appointed times to melt away your body armor, little by little, until one day you do not have to defend yourself against pain so valiantly as you do now.
Being angry about being abandoned by your parents is the most normal and healthy response you can have right now.
I just hope you will stay open to the unfolding of your story, Speedy Jason, because out there in your future there are angels. It's true. God did not make you just to watch you suffer and be abandoned.
You really can rise up from the ashes. I hope you'll give yourself a chance to be reborn.
God bless.
When we are abandoned as children, we put on a thick body armor to protect ourselves from ever being devastated to the core again.
I believe that if you continue to stay sober, and alive, that God has already put in place--in your future--those people and experiences which will show up at the appointed times to melt away your body armor, little by little, until one day you do not have to defend yourself against pain so valiantly as you do now.
Being angry about being abandoned by your parents is the most normal and healthy response you can have right now.
I just hope you will stay open to the unfolding of your story, Speedy Jason, because out there in your future there are angels. It's true. God did not make you just to watch you suffer and be abandoned.
You really can rise up from the ashes. I hope you'll give yourself a chance to be reborn.
God bless.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Jason,
Your question really stirred up a lot of thinking, in me. So I'm going to write out my thinking process, as it has helped me, on the chance it stirs another out there to help their thinking process, so they can come to their own resolution. This is my resolution, arrived at from my own thinking process, about your general question of resentments:
I separated out two aspects that are blended into a "resentment." First is the basic objective facts of a history. Second is the emotional fallout or damage, due to the objective facts.
When we look at the events, there are objective facts. There are two ways of dealing with the facts: one is blame, the second is responsibility. Blame is sort of a mixture of objective fact (so-and-so had the objective responsibility to do xx) mixed with or overlaid with the emotional tone of resentment - a negative emotional state. There is both an objective and subjective component to blame, whereas responsibility is much more objective in and of itself.
When we look at a resentment - we'll take yours as an example to use since this is your thread and your question - we can parse out the responsibility from the negative emotional fallout. By doing this, we can acknowledge and accept the historical facts freely and without guilt, and also let go of that which we do not "own."
So in the case the parenting you received, the objective facts are that your parents (as any parents) had a certain job to do in parenting, and they had failures in doing this job. This is an objective fact. As such, the responsibilities they failed at belong to them, objectively. So you can freely allow yourself permission to place the responsibility where it truly belongs - they had parenting failures, the responsibility for this is not yours but rather theirs. You can take this thousand pound weight, and place it squarely on their failures. (The alternative here is to blame them, and the thing about blame is that it bounces back to you as guilt for blaming them, then you carry the guilt, further damaging you.)
So we do not blame, but rather objectively acknowledge and accept the responsibility landscape, placing responsibilities where they belong.
When we place the objective responsibility where it really lies, with them, then we are left with what’s left of the resentment – the negative fallout/damage – that resides within us. But in FIRST unloading the responsibility, we find that by doing so we are guiltless for their failures, but took on the negative damage.
When we look at it this way, we do not own the problem, but we own the solution.
Why? Because we can see we do not carry guilt; we carry emotional fallout.
So the task becomes NOT how to unload the guilt from ourselves, and de-poison our minds from resentment, BUT RATHER to focus on our REAL job at hand:
OUR JOB IS TO GRIEVE. WE GRIEVE THE DAMAGE DONE TO US, AND IN GRIEVING, HEAL.
It’s very hard to enter grieving if one is subconsciously feeling guilty (if we feel guilt, we don't deserve to heal), or responsible for damage done to us.
By separating out responsibility from damage, we can grieve the damage, knowing it WASN’T OUR FAULT.
Those were my thoughts.
You're exceptional in how far you've come, Jason -- don't give up because your process isn't over yet, you still have a lot of grieving and healing to do. But in doing so, you can shed the resentments, and go on to be happy, joyous, and free.
Sending support,
CLMI
Your question really stirred up a lot of thinking, in me. So I'm going to write out my thinking process, as it has helped me, on the chance it stirs another out there to help their thinking process, so they can come to their own resolution. This is my resolution, arrived at from my own thinking process, about your general question of resentments:
I separated out two aspects that are blended into a "resentment." First is the basic objective facts of a history. Second is the emotional fallout or damage, due to the objective facts.
A "resentment" to me is
a persisting negative emotional state
as the result of some historical events.
a persisting negative emotional state
as the result of some historical events.
When we look at the events, there are objective facts. There are two ways of dealing with the facts: one is blame, the second is responsibility. Blame is sort of a mixture of objective fact (so-and-so had the objective responsibility to do xx) mixed with or overlaid with the emotional tone of resentment - a negative emotional state. There is both an objective and subjective component to blame, whereas responsibility is much more objective in and of itself.
When we look at a resentment - we'll take yours as an example to use since this is your thread and your question - we can parse out the responsibility from the negative emotional fallout. By doing this, we can acknowledge and accept the historical facts freely and without guilt, and also let go of that which we do not "own."
So in the case the parenting you received, the objective facts are that your parents (as any parents) had a certain job to do in parenting, and they had failures in doing this job. This is an objective fact. As such, the responsibilities they failed at belong to them, objectively. So you can freely allow yourself permission to place the responsibility where it truly belongs - they had parenting failures, the responsibility for this is not yours but rather theirs. You can take this thousand pound weight, and place it squarely on their failures. (The alternative here is to blame them, and the thing about blame is that it bounces back to you as guilt for blaming them, then you carry the guilt, further damaging you.)
So we do not blame, but rather objectively acknowledge and accept the responsibility landscape, placing responsibilities where they belong.
When we place the objective responsibility where it really lies, with them, then we are left with what’s left of the resentment – the negative fallout/damage – that resides within us. But in FIRST unloading the responsibility, we find that by doing so we are guiltless for their failures, but took on the negative damage.
When we look at it this way, we do not own the problem, but we own the solution.
Why? Because we can see we do not carry guilt; we carry emotional fallout.
So the task becomes NOT how to unload the guilt from ourselves, and de-poison our minds from resentment, BUT RATHER to focus on our REAL job at hand:
OUR JOB IS TO GRIEVE. WE GRIEVE THE DAMAGE DONE TO US, AND IN GRIEVING, HEAL.
It’s very hard to enter grieving if one is subconsciously feeling guilty (if we feel guilt, we don't deserve to heal), or responsible for damage done to us.
By separating out responsibility from damage, we can grieve the damage, knowing it WASN’T OUR FAULT.
Those were my thoughts.
You're exceptional in how far you've come, Jason -- don't give up because your process isn't over yet, you still have a lot of grieving and healing to do. But in doing so, you can shed the resentments, and go on to be happy, joyous, and free.
Sending support,
CLMI
Clever Yak
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
Thank you for your responses.
I have been in counseling for well over a year, however I had to stop recently because I can't afford it anymore (and I was already on sliding scale fees). I can't even afford my medications due to job changes and restarting school, so those had to stop too. Believe me...I would have continued if I had the money. We never really got to resentments though, well I mean we touched on it but I guess I never understood what I was supposed to do about it. I will figure it out at some point...
I have been in counseling for well over a year, however I had to stop recently because I can't afford it anymore (and I was already on sliding scale fees). I can't even afford my medications due to job changes and restarting school, so those had to stop too. Believe me...I would have continued if I had the money. We never really got to resentments though, well I mean we touched on it but I guess I never understood what I was supposed to do about it. I will figure it out at some point...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
Jason....
Chino's response is very close to what I was thinking and then CLMI came in and nailed it.
A few things that worked for me.....
What if your parents did what they knew how to do and BECAUSE of that....you are learning one of the lessons that you came here to learn?
20 or so years ago, I was given a set of audio tapes Embraced By the Light, by Betty J. Eadie. The tapes were actually loaned to me from a very unusual source. Someone who said "you think like I do....and I think you would like listening to these tapes"
Honestly......they changed my entire life.
I listened to them every chance I got. And one of the messages she said was that we choose our parents before we are born....based on the lessons we are sent here to learn.
Let me tell you.....true or not......if you wrap yourself up in the idea that maybe...just maybe....you chose them. I dunno....but, when I started thinking that way.....I let all of that go.
The tapes also say that there are no coincidences. Every person you come in contact with is here for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Sometimes to help you learn a lesson...sometimes for you to help them.
When I worked on learning and observing why certain things worked or didn't.....then the guilt, blame and resentment started to subside and I emerged with a totally different level of compassion.
I really hope this helps you. I'm working to get rid of some resentment right now... myself....so your post came along in perfect time. Remember....there are no coincidences
Chino's response is very close to what I was thinking and then CLMI came in and nailed it.
A few things that worked for me.....
What if your parents did what they knew how to do and BECAUSE of that....you are learning one of the lessons that you came here to learn?
20 or so years ago, I was given a set of audio tapes Embraced By the Light, by Betty J. Eadie. The tapes were actually loaned to me from a very unusual source. Someone who said "you think like I do....and I think you would like listening to these tapes"
Honestly......they changed my entire life.
I listened to them every chance I got. And one of the messages she said was that we choose our parents before we are born....based on the lessons we are sent here to learn.
Let me tell you.....true or not......if you wrap yourself up in the idea that maybe...just maybe....you chose them. I dunno....but, when I started thinking that way.....I let all of that go.
The tapes also say that there are no coincidences. Every person you come in contact with is here for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Sometimes to help you learn a lesson...sometimes for you to help them.
When I worked on learning and observing why certain things worked or didn't.....then the guilt, blame and resentment started to subside and I emerged with a totally different level of compassion.
I really hope this helps you. I'm working to get rid of some resentment right now... myself....so your post came along in perfect time. Remember....there are no coincidences
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
(((SJ)))
I've spent many years trying to figure that out. I'm knocking on the door of 50 right now and I still think about it. I still resent the things that happened. I always will to some degree.
The things that my parents did and didn't do, were horrible and inhumane. How does a child ever come to terms with that? As an adult, I look back and feel disgust, shame and almost pure hatred for them. Yet, I still love them. How can that be? How can you hate and love someone with equal measures of emotion?
I always come back to "Why didn't they love me?" "Why didn't I matter to them?" "How could anyone do that to an innocent child?" "Why wasn't I worth anything to them?" Parents are supposed to be our lifeline, not the people who sever it. They aren't supposed to be the people that beat us down and destroy us. They are supposed to be our protectors not our enemy's.
I hate them, I love them.....I wish they could feel my pain the way I did, then maybe just maybe they would have some empathy for me, maybe even a little love.
And that is what the resentment boiled down to for me. Why didn't they love me? No one could have possibly done those things if they had loved me.
The hurt and pain will dull over time, but it will never go away totally. The more that I worked on coming to terms with the fact that I am not what they made me feel like, the more I grew to really see them in a different light. The resentment became peppered with pity...for them, not for me.
There aren't really words to describe the horrible despicable people that they were. Yet I still loved them, still strove for their love and approval.
Can you imagine what kind of life people like that have? Never knowing love or compassion? Yep, over the years as I came to terms with the fact that I am lovable, I am worth something, I am a good person deserving of love, then my resentments started turning more to pity for them. They will never know happiness, but I will in spite of what they did.
Jason, when you are ready, that wall you have put up around yourself will start to crumble and you will start allowing yourself to love other people again. It will be scary at first and you may get hurt, but you also may find a happiness that your parents didn't even know existed.
You are a good person Jason. You deserve to love and be loved without the shadow of other peoples short comings. Look at what you have in your heart. You are the total opposite of what they were, that is something to be proud of Jason.
Sending lots of Love, Hugs and Prayers your way.
B
I've spent many years trying to figure that out. I'm knocking on the door of 50 right now and I still think about it. I still resent the things that happened. I always will to some degree.
The things that my parents did and didn't do, were horrible and inhumane. How does a child ever come to terms with that? As an adult, I look back and feel disgust, shame and almost pure hatred for them. Yet, I still love them. How can that be? How can you hate and love someone with equal measures of emotion?
I always come back to "Why didn't they love me?" "Why didn't I matter to them?" "How could anyone do that to an innocent child?" "Why wasn't I worth anything to them?" Parents are supposed to be our lifeline, not the people who sever it. They aren't supposed to be the people that beat us down and destroy us. They are supposed to be our protectors not our enemy's.
I hate them, I love them.....I wish they could feel my pain the way I did, then maybe just maybe they would have some empathy for me, maybe even a little love.
And that is what the resentment boiled down to for me. Why didn't they love me? No one could have possibly done those things if they had loved me.
The hurt and pain will dull over time, but it will never go away totally. The more that I worked on coming to terms with the fact that I am not what they made me feel like, the more I grew to really see them in a different light. The resentment became peppered with pity...for them, not for me.
There aren't really words to describe the horrible despicable people that they were. Yet I still loved them, still strove for their love and approval.
Can you imagine what kind of life people like that have? Never knowing love or compassion? Yep, over the years as I came to terms with the fact that I am lovable, I am worth something, I am a good person deserving of love, then my resentments started turning more to pity for them. They will never know happiness, but I will in spite of what they did.
Jason, when you are ready, that wall you have put up around yourself will start to crumble and you will start allowing yourself to love other people again. It will be scary at first and you may get hurt, but you also may find a happiness that your parents didn't even know existed.
You are a good person Jason. You deserve to love and be loved without the shadow of other peoples short comings. Look at what you have in your heart. You are the total opposite of what they were, that is something to be proud of Jason.
Sending lots of Love, Hugs and Prayers your way.
B
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 47
Jason - I'm 23 and I've been in recovery since October from family addiction and growing up with an ACA mother who carried the dysfunction into our family even outside my brother's addiction. You're not alone in being young and learning how to be healthy, as unfair as it seems to have to do so.
Everything shared on these forums has really helped me in the three months I've been coming here. I have been numb for a great part of my life to cope, but it isn't me - it was my defense mechanism. Now I no longer need that habit, but it doesn't go away from my life just because I'm removed from the insanity. All the friends and family forums have helped me learn better ways of coping and have a safe place to talk about the elephant in the room. You may want to try Al-Anon or Naranon - personally it has helped me, and it is free.
I've found everything everyone has said here about forgiveness and resentment to be true in my own process. At first when I broke free of denial I was so angry (still am) and bitter...to a point it is healthy and can show me when my boundaries are being trampled - but not when it becomes tempting to yield it like a righteous sword. I was in the family circus too and did not know better at the time. Now I know better, so I will do better. It's slowly coming to me to have that same compassion for my family that I struggle to give myself. Negative feelings come more easily than happy or content ones at this point still - I posted about one particularly frustrating moment (link below) and the response from the wise people of this forum, esp. lesliej, helped me:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...o-contact.html
Everything shared on these forums has really helped me in the three months I've been coming here. I have been numb for a great part of my life to cope, but it isn't me - it was my defense mechanism. Now I no longer need that habit, but it doesn't go away from my life just because I'm removed from the insanity. All the friends and family forums have helped me learn better ways of coping and have a safe place to talk about the elephant in the room. You may want to try Al-Anon or Naranon - personally it has helped me, and it is free.
I've found everything everyone has said here about forgiveness and resentment to be true in my own process. At first when I broke free of denial I was so angry (still am) and bitter...to a point it is healthy and can show me when my boundaries are being trampled - but not when it becomes tempting to yield it like a righteous sword. I was in the family circus too and did not know better at the time. Now I know better, so I will do better. It's slowly coming to me to have that same compassion for my family that I struggle to give myself. Negative feelings come more easily than happy or content ones at this point still - I posted about one particularly frustrating moment (link below) and the response from the wise people of this forum, esp. lesliej, helped me:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...o-contact.html
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Jason,
I've been struggling with this issue a whole lot lately. My head accepts and surrenders but yet my heart has lagged behind and I'm unable to find peace on a consitent basis.
Last night I read a quote that really turned on a bright light bulb for me....."don't let your wounds make you become someone that you're not". Truly an insight that I have desparately needed. I've heard all of the adages about resentments (it's like drinking poision and expecting the other person to die) but have struggled with that. For some reason the quote last night made me see what I've been doing.
I think that a lot of the process is just in becoming willing to have the resentments removed. I've struggled with actually having them removed but at least I've been willing. I'm tired of my wounds defining who I am....maybe it will help you to hear it from that perspective too.
Sending you warm thoughts!
I've been struggling with this issue a whole lot lately. My head accepts and surrenders but yet my heart has lagged behind and I'm unable to find peace on a consitent basis.
Last night I read a quote that really turned on a bright light bulb for me....."don't let your wounds make you become someone that you're not". Truly an insight that I have desparately needed. I've heard all of the adages about resentments (it's like drinking poision and expecting the other person to die) but have struggled with that. For some reason the quote last night made me see what I've been doing.
I think that a lot of the process is just in becoming willing to have the resentments removed. I've struggled with actually having them removed but at least I've been willing. I'm tired of my wounds defining who I am....maybe it will help you to hear it from that perspective too.
Sending you warm thoughts!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 213
For me somehow I have found that I can still love a person but not leg go of the"bad" things they have done to me, it just keeps replaying in my memory but yet i still feel and can offer love to this person i think i dont let the "bad" stuff get to me, like it happened to someone else, well thats how i deal with it for now .
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Jay))) - I know I don't have the ES&H of someone who has btdt with the things you have had to face. I can tell you, though, I, too, had a really strong resentment toward your "mom". I didn't "meet" you until your dad died, so maybe that's why I don't have the same feelings toward him?
I read this thread this morning, and have been thinking about it all day. MY answer toward resentments is to pray for the person, but I admit - I hadn't been able to do that for your mom. I finally figured out a way to do it today. If it weren't for her and your dad, YOU wouldn't be here, and you're very dear to me. So, for all her faults I was able to find something that allowed me to pray for her, and I did.
I know you get tired of hearing "it takes time", so do I. I just want you to know, that whether you realize it or not, I've seen SO much growth in you. I know that we, at SR, are not f2f but I've seen you let some of the walls you've built up around you crumble down. You've reached out when you're struggling, and you've reached out to others who are struggling.
I'm going to leave it up to the great folks here who have similar experiences to yours to give ES&H on resentments. I do know that there are many here, who I admire tremendously, and they've walked similar paths.
You and ((Kirby)) have walked a really tough path, but you both will get through this. It may be hard, and take time, to allow f2f people get close to you, but you are making the steps, and I'm really proud of you, my friend.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
I read this thread this morning, and have been thinking about it all day. MY answer toward resentments is to pray for the person, but I admit - I hadn't been able to do that for your mom. I finally figured out a way to do it today. If it weren't for her and your dad, YOU wouldn't be here, and you're very dear to me. So, for all her faults I was able to find something that allowed me to pray for her, and I did.
I know you get tired of hearing "it takes time", so do I. I just want you to know, that whether you realize it or not, I've seen SO much growth in you. I know that we, at SR, are not f2f but I've seen you let some of the walls you've built up around you crumble down. You've reached out when you're struggling, and you've reached out to others who are struggling.
I'm going to leave it up to the great folks here who have similar experiences to yours to give ES&H on resentments. I do know that there are many here, who I admire tremendously, and they've walked similar paths.
You and ((Kirby)) have walked a really tough path, but you both will get through this. It may be hard, and take time, to allow f2f people get close to you, but you are making the steps, and I'm really proud of you, my friend.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Jason,
I by no means have this nailed down, but I wanted to share with you what I have recently learned.
I am reading the Big Red Book, it is basically the Bible for the ACOA program, what they say in there is to take what they call a "blameless inventory", you write down all the things that were done to you, the purpose is not to get your apology or just forgive and forget but to summarize the wrongs, hurts etc. so you can move forward.
Recently I started with a new counselor, I decided rather than spending weeks trying to tell my story to her, I would simmarize all the things that happened that made me the person I am today. I have to tell you that was like draining a festering sore, I have never felt better than after I got done putting that history of all my pain onto paper.
I know there are folks in the ACOA thread who know tons more about this than I do, so reposting there could be very beneficial.
I would also suggest attending an ACOA meeting in your area, they are very different from al-anon, they work on these kinds of issues every week at thier meetings.
If I can help let me know,
Bill
I by no means have this nailed down, but I wanted to share with you what I have recently learned.
I am reading the Big Red Book, it is basically the Bible for the ACOA program, what they say in there is to take what they call a "blameless inventory", you write down all the things that were done to you, the purpose is not to get your apology or just forgive and forget but to summarize the wrongs, hurts etc. so you can move forward.
Recently I started with a new counselor, I decided rather than spending weeks trying to tell my story to her, I would simmarize all the things that happened that made me the person I am today. I have to tell you that was like draining a festering sore, I have never felt better than after I got done putting that history of all my pain onto paper.
I know there are folks in the ACOA thread who know tons more about this than I do, so reposting there could be very beneficial.
I would also suggest attending an ACOA meeting in your area, they are very different from al-anon, they work on these kinds of issues every week at thier meetings.
If I can help let me know,
Bill
Clever Yak
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
Again, thanks for the responses all. I do appreciate it.
Bill, I actually have that book, I've just been putting off reading it because I don't want to face it... I've only been to one ACoA meeting, and I should probably go to more. The problem with me and AA-affliated programs is I can never get around the higher power stuff but I do like to listen. I have heard some things that have stuck with me, it certainly doesn't hurt to go. I guess I oughta look at the book, huh?
I read somewhere today that instead of detaching some people just turn their emotions off completely. Apparently there is a difference. Perhaps that is what I am doing, but I have a hard time deciding that because somedays I can just be emotionally all over the place. They're still there...I don't know. I know that has nothing to do with resentments but it's just what I've been thinking about.
Bill, I actually have that book, I've just been putting off reading it because I don't want to face it... I've only been to one ACoA meeting, and I should probably go to more. The problem with me and AA-affliated programs is I can never get around the higher power stuff but I do like to listen. I have heard some things that have stuck with me, it certainly doesn't hurt to go. I guess I oughta look at the book, huh?
I read somewhere today that instead of detaching some people just turn their emotions off completely. Apparently there is a difference. Perhaps that is what I am doing, but I have a hard time deciding that because somedays I can just be emotionally all over the place. They're still there...I don't know. I know that has nothing to do with resentments but it's just what I've been thinking about.
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