Questions About Controlled Drinking
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 36
Questions About Controlled Drinking
Ok, so I made an ultimatum with my AH about his drinking and he bit.
I told him I would have to leave if he didn't get it 'under control'.
At the time I was very unschooled in how to deal with an alcoholic family member, and in hindsight, I think it wasn't good for me to make this deal.
In any case, he got into and tried to control it.
It didn't work. He couldn't cut down his drinking to something manageable and healthy.
He told me then that he wanted to quit completely, cause he 'finally realized' that he couldn't cut back.
So he quit for a week. After a week, he told me "I'm going to start drinking again on weekends, just a couple a night, of quality stuff...not quantity. Now I know how easy it is to quit, now that I have managed to quit for a while, i've got it under control."
I really want to believe him, but I have this suspicion that he is already drinking a little on the sly...but i'm not sure.
Part of me wonders, maybe my husband CAN drink in a controlled fashion. After all, he wasn't the worst drunk I knew. He drank about 8 beers a night, every night for 3 years straight. It is a lot but I have heard worse.
My head is telling me that he will definitely not be able to stick with it.
My heart is doubting my head, wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt and telling me not to be so paranoid...that I am the one causing tension between us at the moment.
I think I need some feedback. Please let me know your thoughts on the above and if you have ever gone through something similar. I need some perspective, and to get myself into a healthy mindset about the manner.
Thanks!
CJ
I told him I would have to leave if he didn't get it 'under control'.
At the time I was very unschooled in how to deal with an alcoholic family member, and in hindsight, I think it wasn't good for me to make this deal.
In any case, he got into and tried to control it.
It didn't work. He couldn't cut down his drinking to something manageable and healthy.
He told me then that he wanted to quit completely, cause he 'finally realized' that he couldn't cut back.
So he quit for a week. After a week, he told me "I'm going to start drinking again on weekends, just a couple a night, of quality stuff...not quantity. Now I know how easy it is to quit, now that I have managed to quit for a while, i've got it under control."
I really want to believe him, but I have this suspicion that he is already drinking a little on the sly...but i'm not sure.
Part of me wonders, maybe my husband CAN drink in a controlled fashion. After all, he wasn't the worst drunk I knew. He drank about 8 beers a night, every night for 3 years straight. It is a lot but I have heard worse.
My head is telling me that he will definitely not be able to stick with it.
My heart is doubting my head, wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt and telling me not to be so paranoid...that I am the one causing tension between us at the moment.
I think I need some feedback. Please let me know your thoughts on the above and if you have ever gone through something similar. I need some perspective, and to get myself into a healthy mindset about the manner.
Thanks!
CJ
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
As a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic, I can share with you that controlled drinking did NOT work for me.
Oh sure, I'd go through a particularly bad spell where I thought I needed to straighten up and quit for a few days, then it wasn't long before I tried "controlled" drinking. I may have managed "controlled" drinking for a night, but inevitably I went back to my usual out of control drunken stupor drinking.
As for how much your AH drinks or how often he drinks (as opposed to "worse" alcoholics) is a moot point. I was a binge drinker, never drank every day, never had a DUI, never ended up on skid row, never did time, etc.
However I can assure you I am indeed an alcoholic, albeit one in long-term recovery.
I have found over the years that Alanon, therapy, and books such as "Codependent No More" have helped me tremendously in detaching from my 33-year-old daughter's alcoholism/addiction. Have you given any of those a try?
Sending you hugs of support!
Oh sure, I'd go through a particularly bad spell where I thought I needed to straighten up and quit for a few days, then it wasn't long before I tried "controlled" drinking. I may have managed "controlled" drinking for a night, but inevitably I went back to my usual out of control drunken stupor drinking.
As for how much your AH drinks or how often he drinks (as opposed to "worse" alcoholics) is a moot point. I was a binge drinker, never drank every day, never had a DUI, never ended up on skid row, never did time, etc.
However I can assure you I am indeed an alcoholic, albeit one in long-term recovery.
I have found over the years that Alanon, therapy, and books such as "Codependent No More" have helped me tremendously in detaching from my 33-year-old daughter's alcoholism/addiction. Have you given any of those a try?
Sending you hugs of support!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
All I know is that my A has never been able to 'cut back'. He's tried - at least once a month and it lasted for all of a day. I , too, would be interested to hear if anyone has ever been able to just 'cut back'. I think the only people who are able to control drinking are the ones who are not addicted to it in the first place.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Maybe he can and maybe he can't. But, if you're like me, it's really not about the drinking is it?
I wanted my husband to be financially responsible, emotionally available, a participating parent, and an equal partner in my marriage. He couldn't manage to do those things whether he was drinking two beers or twenty-two.
Instead of setting boundaries around the amount of alcohol, I found it much more productive to set my boundaries around behavior and leave the decision of whether to drink or how much to him.
Just my thoughts,
L
P.S. This method also takes you out of the "policing" his drinking role. If he's sneaking, that's his business.
I wanted my husband to be financially responsible, emotionally available, a participating parent, and an equal partner in my marriage. He couldn't manage to do those things whether he was drinking two beers or twenty-two.
Instead of setting boundaries around the amount of alcohol, I found it much more productive to set my boundaries around behavior and leave the decision of whether to drink or how much to him.
Just my thoughts,
L
P.S. This method also takes you out of the "policing" his drinking role. If he's sneaking, that's his business.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I have been dealing with an alcoholics for over 60 years, husbands, cousins, father and mother and I can say from my limited experience there is no such thing as controlled drinking with an alcoholic...the party is either on or off...ie...in recovery or not.
All I can offer, is to let your head do what it is designed to do....think...your heart does not have the capability to think or reason, it is just a mush, mush pot of indecision.
Read all the stickeys at the top of this and the F & F of Substance Abusers, it doesn't matter if the addiction is alcohol or other substances...it is all about addiction.
All I can offer, is to let your head do what it is designed to do....think...your heart does not have the capability to think or reason, it is just a mush, mush pot of indecision.
Read all the stickeys at the top of this and the F & F of Substance Abusers, it doesn't matter if the addiction is alcohol or other substances...it is all about addiction.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
I think that if someone can't cut back, if someone can't control how much they drink--that is the definition of an alcoholic. They have a compulsion to drink, and obsession with drinking, they'll do anything and tell you anything to keep drinking. It really doesn't have much to do with how much they drink...it's more about the fact that they must drink. Eight beers a day isn't the worst...but alcoholism is a progressive disease. Trust me, it can get worse.
In my case, at first I knew my wife was drinking inappropriately. We'd go camping with friends and by the end of a day of casual drinking, she's be took drunk to feed the kids. But I didn't think she was an alcoholic. So I adjusted, and we started eating dinner earlier. Later, I just discovered that she could drink me under the table, and I quit trying to keep up. But I still didn't think she was an alcoholic. Later, when my life had become quite miserable and I didn't know what to do about it, I finally admitted to myself that my wife was an alcoholic. But I still didn't know what to do about.
Much later, with my wife on a two week binge and possibly on the edge of death, me in a state of prolonged depression and our finances on the verge of catastrophe I finally reached out for help.
In my case, I got lucky. My wife went into detox and a 30 day treatment program and has been successful at staying sober for approaching two years. I found a support group for the families of alcoholics (Al-Anon) and began to heal from the damage that living with an alcoholic can do. I feel better emotionally, spiritually and physically than I had in maybe 10 years.
If you're looking for a healthier mindset, try Al-Anon. It provides a lot of support, it's a safe place--the people there understand exactly what you're going through. It helps, whether the alcoholic in your life is drinking or not.
In my case, at first I knew my wife was drinking inappropriately. We'd go camping with friends and by the end of a day of casual drinking, she's be took drunk to feed the kids. But I didn't think she was an alcoholic. So I adjusted, and we started eating dinner earlier. Later, I just discovered that she could drink me under the table, and I quit trying to keep up. But I still didn't think she was an alcoholic. Later, when my life had become quite miserable and I didn't know what to do about it, I finally admitted to myself that my wife was an alcoholic. But I still didn't know what to do about.
Much later, with my wife on a two week binge and possibly on the edge of death, me in a state of prolonged depression and our finances on the verge of catastrophe I finally reached out for help.
In my case, I got lucky. My wife went into detox and a 30 day treatment program and has been successful at staying sober for approaching two years. I found a support group for the families of alcoholics (Al-Anon) and began to heal from the damage that living with an alcoholic can do. I feel better emotionally, spiritually and physically than I had in maybe 10 years.
If you're looking for a healthier mindset, try Al-Anon. It provides a lot of support, it's a safe place--the people there understand exactly what you're going through. It helps, whether the alcoholic in your life is drinking or not.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Shawnee, KS
Posts: 7
How do you set boundaries with your husband's behavior when you don't want or aren't ready to have the consequence be divorce?
Finances - I am ready to tell him that we need separate checking accounts and that he must now pay for his own car, his beer, his expenses and hope that he will find a job that will pay for half the bills. I doubt he will but at the very least he will have to work to pay for his car and alcohol if he wants to still own a vehicle and drink.
But how do you set boundaries around dishonesty?
How do I set boundaries regarding the fact I can't stand finding empty beer cans, bottles, caps and hidden boxes of wine all over the house, garage and basement?
I would love some suggestions on other boundaries that you have set while still living with your AH. Mine isn't working (laid off 1.5 years ago and tried now two businesses from home).
Finances - I am ready to tell him that we need separate checking accounts and that he must now pay for his own car, his beer, his expenses and hope that he will find a job that will pay for half the bills. I doubt he will but at the very least he will have to work to pay for his car and alcohol if he wants to still own a vehicle and drink.
But how do you set boundaries around dishonesty?
How do I set boundaries regarding the fact I can't stand finding empty beer cans, bottles, caps and hidden boxes of wine all over the house, garage and basement?
I would love some suggestions on other boundaries that you have set while still living with your AH. Mine isn't working (laid off 1.5 years ago and tried now two businesses from home).
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Calamity Jane, Welcome to SR!!!
As others have said, and as I have learned here by countless "I'm going to try to control my drinking" threads in the alcoholism forums, it typically does not work.
In reading many threads on the friends and family side of life, ultimatums typically don't work as well. An ultimatum is an attempt to control someone else, and that NEVER works. "If you don't X, then I'll Y".
My only question is: are you prepared to follow through completely with your "or else"?
As others have said, and as I have learned here by countless "I'm going to try to control my drinking" threads in the alcoholism forums, it typically does not work.
In reading many threads on the friends and family side of life, ultimatums typically don't work as well. An ultimatum is an attempt to control someone else, and that NEVER works. "If you don't X, then I'll Y".
My only question is: are you prepared to follow through completely with your "or else"?
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Jane, one of the hard thing to understand about boundaries is they are not about the other person. They are there to protect you. Typical boundaries are things like "I will not ride in a car when the driver has been drinking" or "I will leave the room/house/apt is someone is being verbally abusive to me". It's about protecting yourself not setting conditions for someone else.
Your friend,
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
I know alkies who are touting their choice of lite beer, when they have a choice or chose to select lite beer. And they still wind up getting high or hammered on occassion that I've seen. What don't I see.
To the control the impluse to drink alcohol should be the key.
To the control the impluse to drink alcohol should be the key.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
To me, controlled drinking is akin to a "controlled" car crash.
And FTR, "A standard bottle of beer (12 imperial fl oz/341 mL and five percent alcohol by volume)"...so if he's having "a few a night", say 3, it means he's having about 1000 ml of beer, or 1 liter of beer per night.
When I was with my XAH, he had 4 to 5 large beers, which are 500 ml each...meaning he was having 2 liters of beer every night, and more on week-ends.
Food for thought.
And FTR, "A standard bottle of beer (12 imperial fl oz/341 mL and five percent alcohol by volume)"...so if he's having "a few a night", say 3, it means he's having about 1000 ml of beer, or 1 liter of beer per night.
When I was with my XAH, he had 4 to 5 large beers, which are 500 ml each...meaning he was having 2 liters of beer every night, and more on week-ends.
Food for thought.
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