artygirl

I am asking for tools. It has been 6 months since my AXBF broke up with me when I asked him to stop drinking. At first he said he would get help and he didn't want to lose me but he did a 360 and told me he put me through enough and we should part ways. We were together for 5 yrs. ( we didn't live together)

At first I was relieved and went about my life. I am working with a sponsor in Al Anon and go to 2 AL ANON meetings a week and one open AA meeting. I do service at the meetings. I have begun working on the STEPS. I realize that although my XABF was the first A I was involved with, all my relationships for the most part were Co Dependent. My sponsor asked me to take a yr. off from dating so I can work on myself. This is very hard for me. I haven't gone this long without dating ( usually online dating). The dating helps me to move on and NOT obsess so much about my EX's.

I find myself obssessing about my EXABF. He has moved on and is "IN LOVE" with someone else. I feel so disposed of and unloveable. When I met him he was in a very early stage of Alcoholism ( I am reading "Under the Influence") but as time went on he seemed to be advancing into the second stage. He was getting edgier, touchier and I could tell he was drinking more. He would obviously be drunk on a work night when I talked to him on the phone. He lived about an 1 and 1/2 away. He has an amazing job, no kids, restoring a beautiful old home, etc. etc. and managed to make it to work everyday.

Somebody told me on this site that my ExABF was living rent free in my head. I agree but I can't seem to get him out of my head. I keep remembering all the good things. He was never abusive with me, and treated me like gold. His drinking was beginning to affect him and I simply wanted him to curb it. It's hard to wrap my brain around the fact that the relationship ended so abruptly when i confronted him...

...and dating would help me but I am determined to follow my sponsors suggestions. Ugh!!! I am so saddened about the loss and often wish I never said anything about his drinking.

dollydo

Your subconcious mind is the controller of your mind and body. Your concious mind believes and acts on what it is fed by your sunconcious mind. The mind that you are trapped in is your concious mind.

Every night, while in bed, and right before you go to sleep feed your subconcious mind a positive thought like "I will not think about exabf tomorrow" do that every night until your concious mind believes it, all of a sudden poof you will not be obsessing about exabf.

It does work, if it were not for your subconcious mind your heart would not be beating right this minute, nor would you be breathing...it is in charge.

Threshold

Sometimes the idea of being alone is scarier than the reality. I have found myself lonelier IN unhealthy relationships than when I was in no relationship at all.

The reason we work on developing a relationship with a HP is so we will stop seeking validation of our worth based on the behavior of others. When we learn, through a spiritual awakening, that we are valuable no matter what happens, no matter how another speaks or behaves towards us, etc...then we no longer are inclined to stay in unhealthy relationships, nor are we inclined to disrespect ourselves or others.

That is the goal. In the meantime...before we are sure it will work...when life feels scary, we get sentimental for that old familiar somebody. What if I NEVER find love again?

and the spiraling, second guessing and fudging on our program begins.

I am alone tonight. I am numb. ABF...MIA. I don't want to be alone. I don't like the implications of a woman who can't get a man. I think about my ex, and my previous boyfriends, and...what good does that do me? I felt lonely and disrespected, I don't want THAT. I must move forward. I must maintain my program, and trust that healing comes. I don't know what it will look like or feel like. I get angry and disillusioned when I am "doing everything right" as far as my program goes and gold coins of love are not falling into my lap. I want healing my way in my time, and I want it to mean I get to keep my old relationships, but by some magic my old partners are healed too!

I am beginning to suspect that recovery is also about me being open to new ideas about myself, about what a healthy relationship looks like and feels like and that the second relationship I need to be focusing on is the one with myself. (the first being the one with my HP)

I feel sad. But today I realized again that lately I feel less alone when I AM alone, than when I am with others. I don't know how to relate. If I didn't have a phone, I wouldn't be sad that he hasn't called.

Just babbling now. I don't like the way this feels, yet I know that what I am doing is right.

the mental obsession sometimes stops when I say to my HP "fill me up with truth"

lillamy

Big hugs to you, sweetie!!!

I think you're doing a really good thing trying to follow your sponsor's advice.
The fact that he replaced you so quickly just means he's desperate to have someone who will validate his worth as a human being. When I came to my AXH's house two weeks after leaving, I found another woman's clothes in his house. He went through... at least four women that I was aware of in eight months. Introduced them to the kids. Said he loved them.

His actions have nothing to do with you. He wants someone by his side who doesn't distract him from his main love: Drinking. I often compared being married to an A with having your husband move his mistress into the house and demanding that you accept to play second fiddle to her.

You say it wasn't that bad. One thing about alcoholism is that it doesn't go away. As long as he keeps drinking, it will get worse. You are lucky that you are not the one who will be there when his health starts failing and when he starts getting paranoid and abusive.

strengthtobeone

Artygirl, I really relate to you on this topic right now as my breakup is still fresh.

Filling in as much time as possible with your favorite hobbies and friends is a really good way to combat the exbf obsessive thought blues...Call your al-anon friends when the voice in your head gets really loud! Sometimes a reality check is all I need to put my thoughts into a proper perspective.

And that second-guessing and feeling unloveable that threshold mentions, oh yeah, that is like poison right now!!

I like the suggestion from Dollydo to place that intention that I am not going to think about him, and that it will eventually seep into my subconscious. Going to start trying that tonight!

I also

TakingCharge999

I get it.
For me it was 2 things that have brought me any peace:

-time.
-yoga.

I obsessed too and was deeply hurt. Now he is no longer part of my mind. You will get there, trust me!! I also stopped struggling, I went "another day with my mind tormenting me and this deep sadness?? OK FINE..." this acceptance opened up some small space within me.

Its a process... ((hugs))

m1k3

Artygirl, 2 things that really helped me with the mind chatter.

The 1st was mindfulness. Whenever I caught myself in the middle of one of those obsessive mind games I would say to myself "who are you talking to?", or "how does this help your recovery?". This would usually bring me back to the here and now. After a while this kind of became second nature and I would find myself stopping the obsessive thoughts without even thinking about it, at least most of the time.

Also, I found meditation to be very helpful.

Your friend,

NYCDoglvr

Boy do I relate! After a lot of work I grew to understand that mind chatter (about all sorts of things) was part of the reason I picked an alcoholic. It's easier to focus on someone else's problems than my own. Have you thought of exercise? It will make a huge difference in your thoughts....I started fast walking and the obsessional thinking really decreased.

AntoinetteP

The mind chatter is driving me nuts, but it's not an XABF, it's an AB(brother). I can't give up on him, he's my family, and has always been my favorite in the family. I used to joke with his girlfriends that they came and went but he would always be my brother.
The fact that I've not seen him or spoken to him for the better part of a year only seems to make the worry worse. I miss him so much and want so much for him to get help.

I have been working hard on myself, lost a lot of weight, built a shade garden out of a patch of irrigation creek, we're building a house and start moving in tomorrow, i'm in a show. I haven't just been sitting around obsessing, I've been doing everything and still am obsessing. How do you get past that?

Sail48

I can relate to revisiting old memories and the way it use to be.... When my life changed it was a blindside hit. One day shes getting help, three weeks later she gone....just, flat, dropped. What helped us was a professional therapist trained in addiction. It helped to talk to someone who understands what I'm going through. Another big help was to occupy my time for me...I started something I havent done since high school, EXERCISE! The best me thing I did....take energy, aggression and weaken the bond of tears...no kidding. I feel and if I do say myself look better too! Time will tell you what your next step is....good luck. This sight helped me, so just keep coming back. (((((arty))))))

TakingCharge999

Yes exercise is excellent, especially if it involves punching something,

WMaxwell

It might help you to write down any negative aspects of your relationship (assuming there were some). Think about the fights you had (I'm sure in five years you had at least a few fights ). After a break-up I used to obsess about the good times (and forget the bad times that led to a break-up). I used to obsess about how aweful it was that another woman was enjoying the good times with the man I loved. Now I remind myself that he is HER problem now.

I think you made the right decision, but whether or not you made the right decision is irrelevent now. It seems he's moved on. He chose his addiction over you. :-/ for now...

I probably shouldn't say this because it'll probably get you into a mess, but if you move on he'll probably want you back. 5 years is a long time to just end a relationship out of the blue. Just saying. I think you're better off without an alcoholic, and I think you need to heal yourself before being in a relationship, but ultimately it's YOUR life and YOUR choices.

artygirl

Wow!!!! I wrote this post yesterday morning before I went to an open AA meeting. The brutal honesty and stories I heard at that meeting really blew me away.

When I got back from the meeting I checked this web site and my post was way at the bottom and I just figured I wouldn't get too many responses. Then tonight I was surprised to see so many responses.Part of my disease is the feeling of NOT being good enough, interesting enough, etc, etc. This carries into many aspects of my life even including my self esteem on a forum like this where no one even knows me. Now how bizarre is that?

I know that deep down I have to work on self love and my relationship with my higher power. My EXABF's drinking had bothered me for quite awhile but I was AFRAID that if I said something he would be upset and the relationship would suffer. I put my own feelings aside. Then one night he was particularly testy when I said, It seems like you have had a lot to drink ( we were watching a movie)and his response was, "Yes, I have a good buzz going on and don't spoil it." Well I basically told him he acted like an SOB when he was drinking and I went to bed. He went and slept in his truck then left the next morning. He told me I called him an SOB and he didn't want to be in my house with me. Somehow HE was the victim and if I had to be honest that was the only time I got angry with him in the five yrs. we were together. I always complimented him and built him up but he really needed to be the knight in shining armor. He always did things around the house for me, bought me lots of things, etc. etc. but I made sure to thank him and thank him. I think it would be a good idea to write down the negative aspects of him and revisit it when I am weak.

Honestly learning to love myself is going to take time. I have always put someone else's feelings above my own and invalidated my own thoughts and feelings.

You all had some great ideas. Exercise and yoga really have helped me. I have always maintained a good weight but I am getting in better shape. I started using my meditation tapes again. I work with kids and they are a great distraction... and of course my art....I have two furry dogs who love me. My sons are both away at school.

My sponsor tells me that God has his hand in this and the way things have happened is the way it is supposed to be for the spiritual growth of myself and EXABF. I have to let go and if two people are meant to be together they WILL be together. She tells me that if I am meant to be with him I will or I that needed to go through what I went through with him to prepare me for the person I am meant to be with. She has 23 yrs. in program and is an amazing sponsor. She told me that she did not have any relationship with God when she began Al Anon. She tells me to pray on my knees.

For those of you who are sad too!!! I will pray for you as well.

Now this mind chatter comes and goes. Today was a work day and I had an Al Anon Meeting. I didn't have heat and had to deal with that and the financial insecurity that goes with it. For a split second I wanted to call the EXABF like the old days but he wouldn't have been available to help even when we were together. He lived too far away and wouldn't drink and drive anyhow. He seemed to drink every night. I handled it fine. I really need to trust that I am competent, smart and loveable..



.

BobbyJ

Sounds like your going UP the hill, instead of down...Way to go!!

One day at a time, remember that and somedays its hour by hour at a time....

Learn to treat yourself to good stuff that makes you feel nice

Go get your toes painted, new hair do, free makeup make over at the mall
teeth whitened, something that is ALL ABOUT YOU....It's the small things
that we have neglected and it's the small thing's that will make you feel
good about yourself....Then you can move up to bigger things, like new
clothes, taking some college classes or jumping out of airplanes...

Challenge yourself to something new every week. Wheter it's appearance
or painting your kitchen or joining some odd club that you never had the
nerve to do before....REACH FOR IT..Look at it as exciting, it's a whole NEW YOU!!!

In recovery and moving on......LIFE IS GOOD!.. YOU GOT IT!!