Regretting reconnecting with my family
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Regretting reconnecting with my family
Hey guys,
Been awhile since I posted and I don't know if you guys remember my story. I grew up in a household with a mother who was Adult Child of an Alcoholic, as well as I think some other psych disorders (she would have violent outburst and then act like nothing happened, have irrational behaviors at times). My father, who I adored and kept the cap on my mother, died when I was 18 of leukemia. When that happened, it became WW3 at my house with my mothers behavior, and in the end, caused me to leave and estrange myself from my family for 13 years. My older sister was married and thankful had moved out, and my younger sister was living in another city with a friends family due to a performance group she belonged to. Thankfully, she was spared a lot of the emotional abuse by our mother because of that. All of us were in defense mode and just fended for ourselves, so we never came together as a family to deal with this. That's why I also estranged myself from them for those 13 years.
3 years ago, my younger sister found me on Facebook and emailed me. After a lot of thought, talk with my theraphist, I decided to give it a shot and reconnect, especially since her email was so heartfelt and caring. I wanted family in my life. It was hard being an orphan. I eventually also reconnected with my older sister not long after. It was great at first, but over the past 2 years, has gone downhill and kinda exploded this week.
I have gone home 3 times, and over that time, my older sisters relationship with her husband has deteriorated so bad that they won't even stand next to each other. They won't even be in the same room. They tried theraphy years ago but gave up on it so have resigned themselves to live in a very loveless, and friendless marriage. My BIL has called/emailed me a couple times looking for me to fix things, and I am just not capable of fixing another person. So they do nothing and act like strangers. Because of this, my sister emeshes herself in everything the kids do to a point that it's ridiculous. I've tried to get her to go to counseling but she's "too busy". Her family is falling apart, and she's too busy. My oldest niece is a replica of my mother, living at home thinking everyone is going to pay for her, and not make her responsible for her own stuff (while her boyfriend is also allowed to live in the house for past year scott free), having ridiculous outbursts and manipulative attention getting scenes. My middle niece is showing signs of ulcers I think from internalizing all the tension/stress in the house.
My youngest sister thankfully escaped when she was young from all the bad stuff that happened in my house, so doesn't have those marks or experiences on her. She has a very loving happy healthy relationship. But because of this, she just doesn't understand where my older sister and I are coming from and thinks our mother should be part of our lives. My older sister and I have had thoughts of suicide at different points in our lives due to my mothers abuse.
Last Xmas (my first Xmas home in 13 years), she didn't call and showed up 3 hours afterwards, stayed for an awkward 2 hours, and left. I was upset but just let it go. This year, I go home for Thanksgiving, and had called her beforehand to let her know it's important to me to have us all get together over the holiday. She never called me back (she never does) and then never got in contact with me the whole week I was home. I was sitting in the airport for my flight home when I received an email from her apologizing, but giving me 50 reasons she blew me off. I just didn't care anymore.
My older sister and family were supposed to come out next month for a visit, but after this last trip, I didn't want all that dysfunction and tension in my house. It wasn't going to be fun at all. So I emailed them both and let it fly over everything. I sure it could of been put a little kinder but I just didn't want this. It was why I left the family.
My younger sister sent me an email back basically telling me that our family is not dysfuntional at all and I still am emotionally living in 1995 when I left. She thinks I'm hurtful and hateful for saying my sister should divorce if they aren't going to try and fix anything, that I won't tolerate or pay for my oldest niece for anything (no free rides or enabling of that behavior here), and that I don't know why my younger sister even looked for me if she was going to just blow me off. Apprently, being single and no kids makes my life a snap. Ya, it is easier, but being on your own with no back up is not and can be scary as hell. I have no one to lean on like family. I'm on my own. But I just couldn't believe that she thinks our family is normal and that the emotional scars from my childhood just dissappear when I get older. She just absolute 100% doesn't get the reality of our family. And now I'm the ******* for it.
What's the best way to reply to this with a family member that seems to be in such denial about our dysfunction? My best friend said just let them live their lives and it's not my problems so let it go. She's right, and I am, but it's just such a sad outcome for what I had hoped. The family hasn't changed a bit....
Been awhile since I posted and I don't know if you guys remember my story. I grew up in a household with a mother who was Adult Child of an Alcoholic, as well as I think some other psych disorders (she would have violent outburst and then act like nothing happened, have irrational behaviors at times). My father, who I adored and kept the cap on my mother, died when I was 18 of leukemia. When that happened, it became WW3 at my house with my mothers behavior, and in the end, caused me to leave and estrange myself from my family for 13 years. My older sister was married and thankful had moved out, and my younger sister was living in another city with a friends family due to a performance group she belonged to. Thankfully, she was spared a lot of the emotional abuse by our mother because of that. All of us were in defense mode and just fended for ourselves, so we never came together as a family to deal with this. That's why I also estranged myself from them for those 13 years.
3 years ago, my younger sister found me on Facebook and emailed me. After a lot of thought, talk with my theraphist, I decided to give it a shot and reconnect, especially since her email was so heartfelt and caring. I wanted family in my life. It was hard being an orphan. I eventually also reconnected with my older sister not long after. It was great at first, but over the past 2 years, has gone downhill and kinda exploded this week.
I have gone home 3 times, and over that time, my older sisters relationship with her husband has deteriorated so bad that they won't even stand next to each other. They won't even be in the same room. They tried theraphy years ago but gave up on it so have resigned themselves to live in a very loveless, and friendless marriage. My BIL has called/emailed me a couple times looking for me to fix things, and I am just not capable of fixing another person. So they do nothing and act like strangers. Because of this, my sister emeshes herself in everything the kids do to a point that it's ridiculous. I've tried to get her to go to counseling but she's "too busy". Her family is falling apart, and she's too busy. My oldest niece is a replica of my mother, living at home thinking everyone is going to pay for her, and not make her responsible for her own stuff (while her boyfriend is also allowed to live in the house for past year scott free), having ridiculous outbursts and manipulative attention getting scenes. My middle niece is showing signs of ulcers I think from internalizing all the tension/stress in the house.
My youngest sister thankfully escaped when she was young from all the bad stuff that happened in my house, so doesn't have those marks or experiences on her. She has a very loving happy healthy relationship. But because of this, she just doesn't understand where my older sister and I are coming from and thinks our mother should be part of our lives. My older sister and I have had thoughts of suicide at different points in our lives due to my mothers abuse.
Last Xmas (my first Xmas home in 13 years), she didn't call and showed up 3 hours afterwards, stayed for an awkward 2 hours, and left. I was upset but just let it go. This year, I go home for Thanksgiving, and had called her beforehand to let her know it's important to me to have us all get together over the holiday. She never called me back (she never does) and then never got in contact with me the whole week I was home. I was sitting in the airport for my flight home when I received an email from her apologizing, but giving me 50 reasons she blew me off. I just didn't care anymore.
My older sister and family were supposed to come out next month for a visit, but after this last trip, I didn't want all that dysfunction and tension in my house. It wasn't going to be fun at all. So I emailed them both and let it fly over everything. I sure it could of been put a little kinder but I just didn't want this. It was why I left the family.
My younger sister sent me an email back basically telling me that our family is not dysfuntional at all and I still am emotionally living in 1995 when I left. She thinks I'm hurtful and hateful for saying my sister should divorce if they aren't going to try and fix anything, that I won't tolerate or pay for my oldest niece for anything (no free rides or enabling of that behavior here), and that I don't know why my younger sister even looked for me if she was going to just blow me off. Apprently, being single and no kids makes my life a snap. Ya, it is easier, but being on your own with no back up is not and can be scary as hell. I have no one to lean on like family. I'm on my own. But I just couldn't believe that she thinks our family is normal and that the emotional scars from my childhood just dissappear when I get older. She just absolute 100% doesn't get the reality of our family. And now I'm the ******* for it.
What's the best way to reply to this with a family member that seems to be in such denial about our dysfunction? My best friend said just let them live their lives and it's not my problems so let it go. She's right, and I am, but it's just such a sad outcome for what I had hoped. The family hasn't changed a bit....
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You cannot change anothers preception, all you can do is accept it and grin and bear it or
once again go no contact.
My mother lives in a fantasy world, she chooses to ignore what she does not want to acknowledge, there is nothing I can do about it, all I can do is not engage her and let go.
You will never change your sisters preception of the famiy, you can only choose to participate or move on.
I am sorry, I understand, I've been there.
once again go no contact.
My mother lives in a fantasy world, she chooses to ignore what she does not want to acknowledge, there is nothing I can do about it, all I can do is not engage her and let go.
You will never change your sisters preception of the famiy, you can only choose to participate or move on.
I am sorry, I understand, I've been there.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
I totally understand. I have not had family Christmas or holiday for a long time (see my blog if you like). You are very brave for telling it like it is and letting the chips fall where they may. If you can, yes stay out of it. Just let your sister have her version of happy family. My sisters have that version too. You don't need to enter in to their craziness. Take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Everyone has the right to their own view of reality right.
My mom happily lives in denial-land, drinks 6 bottles of wine a day and she says the most awful things and then gets mad when someone objects.
You cannot make your youngest sister understand your pain, it is probably pointless to try, as far as your older sister who knows why people do that. My mom and Dad have been married 58 years, my mom cheated almost immediately, when my dad found out he made it his lifes mission to cheat as often as possible from then on. I asked my dad why he stays with someone who does not love him and who is an alcoholic, he says becuase he is trying to keep her in check, huh? I have given up trying to figure it out, I have decided to just work on me.
I hope you can find some support, if you need someone to talk to, need a hug, some propping up, I will be here.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
My mom happily lives in denial-land, drinks 6 bottles of wine a day and she says the most awful things and then gets mad when someone objects.
You cannot make your youngest sister understand your pain, it is probably pointless to try, as far as your older sister who knows why people do that. My mom and Dad have been married 58 years, my mom cheated almost immediately, when my dad found out he made it his lifes mission to cheat as often as possible from then on. I asked my dad why he stays with someone who does not love him and who is an alcoholic, he says becuase he is trying to keep her in check, huh? I have given up trying to figure it out, I have decided to just work on me.
I hope you can find some support, if you need someone to talk to, need a hug, some propping up, I will be here.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Maybe you can find a balance between no contact and becoming emeshed with the dysfunction? It's one of those things where things are the way they are, and you can't do anything about them. The best you can do is accept that this is the way things are and attempt to move on with your life.
I understand that you want to have a relationship with your younger sister. I have a fractured family which includes a half-sister. I would like to have more of a relationship with her, but it has been difficult so far. I think that it helps to take baby steps. You can talk to her sometimes, but don't try too hard to get together. Like, you can send her a Christmas card, but not expect one in return.
You also might want to try to have conversations with your younger sister that don't have to do with the family mess. Is there something else you have in common? It may be one of those things where conversations need to stay on topics such as the weather.
I understand that you want to have a relationship with your younger sister. I have a fractured family which includes a half-sister. I would like to have more of a relationship with her, but it has been difficult so far. I think that it helps to take baby steps. You can talk to her sometimes, but don't try too hard to get together. Like, you can send her a Christmas card, but not expect one in return.
You also might want to try to have conversations with your younger sister that don't have to do with the family mess. Is there something else you have in common? It may be one of those things where conversations need to stay on topics such as the weather.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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Thank you guys
Thanks for the replies. I think my main problem is I was expecting it to be different, we'd have the Cleaver family and all would be well in the world. Things don't change if no one fixes it, so I have to except it like it is. Don't know if we'll even be talking anymore anyways because they just think I'm cruel. I think it's because I've been gone from the family so long I come in with fresh eyes. They just live in that world and it's normal to them. But to me it's not. I have to except that. They live about 2000 miles from me so it's easy to not have contact. Not like my younger sister ever picked up the phone.
But I'm using this as a learning experience for me in how I handle conflict. There are always better ways too do it. I meet with my new therapist tomorrow so we'll see what she says.
Thanks again all. Hope you had a good day.
But I'm using this as a learning experience for me in how I handle conflict. There are always better ways too do it. I meet with my new therapist tomorrow so we'll see what she says.
Thanks again all. Hope you had a good day.
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Good luck with the new therapist, I hope she is able to help you sort things out in your mind.
Long ago, I printed out the 13 common characteristics of ACoA's that's stickied at the top of this forum and took it to my therapist, then said "Pick one." That therapist had the audacity to move to a different state and advance his career, so I took the same list to the next therapist. Next therapist said "there's no such thing as 'adult children of...' issues." So my NEXT therapist got the same list
Remember that there is such a thing as a 'bad fit' with therapists. I've had three amazingly good therapists, one bad one and one truly horrible one. I've decided if my current therapist retires any time soon, I'll go to another one with that same list in hand and see how they react to the list. It seems to be a good litmus test.
Long ago, I printed out the 13 common characteristics of ACoA's that's stickied at the top of this forum and took it to my therapist, then said "Pick one." That therapist had the audacity to move to a different state and advance his career, so I took the same list to the next therapist. Next therapist said "there's no such thing as 'adult children of...' issues." So my NEXT therapist got the same list
Remember that there is such a thing as a 'bad fit' with therapists. I've had three amazingly good therapists, one bad one and one truly horrible one. I've decided if my current therapist retires any time soon, I'll go to another one with that same list in hand and see how they react to the list. It seems to be a good litmus test.
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That's actually great idea. The therapist I had before I moved I had for 2 years was awesome and I got lucky, as she was my first therapist. I think she laid some great groundwork to build on. I had an eval session with this current one and I like her ideas. And she seems to know exactly what I'm talking about when i say codependecy. Looking forward to seeing what tools she has to use....
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Sounds good. Let us know how helpful it is if you would.
My family of origin is all in the same city as me and yet I never see them. I'm sure they think I am the crazy one too. But fine with me, they would be right if I continued to see them.
My family of origin is all in the same city as me and yet I never see them. I'm sure they think I am the crazy one too. But fine with me, they would be right if I continued to see them.
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Hi, I can fully understand what you did, wanting some family. I also think you were very brave to give it a go. I keep thinking of doing the same thing. I also believe that by no contact, I am encouraging isolation, not knowing who is good and who is bad or somewhere in between as nobody is completely good. So I isolate quite easily unable to make those judgements. Maybe by contacting your family and witnessing the destruction, it could make you more determined on recovery?? Good things often emerge from the worst disasters. Helping others in spite of ourselves is a typical ACA trait....
Michael
Michael
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Helping others can be of great Benefit if done in the Right Frame of mind.
I passed by a Car Tonight and It seemed ovious that She had Broke Down.
Many in front of me Passed and Kept going,I pulled up in front of her Car
and Asked if I could Help...........She said she was out of Petrol.
I said Id go to the nearest Garage and get her some petrol.
She was grateful..........My good deed for the Day done.
Now when I do Something for Someone in Fear thats Different....Thats People Pleasing.
I passed by a Car Tonight and It seemed ovious that She had Broke Down.
Many in front of me Passed and Kept going,I pulled up in front of her Car
and Asked if I could Help...........She said she was out of Petrol.
I said Id go to the nearest Garage and get her some petrol.
She was grateful..........My good deed for the Day done.
Now when I do Something for Someone in Fear thats Different....Thats People Pleasing.
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Well, finally heard from my older sister and it's the same stuff. "You need to stop living in 1995" "every family has problems" "you've obviously still have a lot of issues to work out" my younger sister thinks that not calling me ever, blowing me off, and never calling me back for MONTHS means she loves me. "We're always there for you". Really? I could be dead on the floor for months and she'd never know it. She calls her friends weekly, but her own sister never gets a call and that's love? Am I missing something?. I just feel we're all in this same dysfunctional pissing match that we grew up with. They resorted to passive aaggressive Facebook postings about people sticking around when it's bad. It completely turned me off and I limited them to stop the postings. I hate this just endless circle of drama. My new therapist talked to me about the Drama Triangle and I'm looking at it to figure out my role in this and how to get myself off...
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Dear BS08, Please tell us more about this drama triangle, I have never heard of this, I am struggling right now with being a good listener to my dad (the enabler) while not giving advice I know will not be taken.
Thanks,
Bill
Thanks,
Bill
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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I have very limited contact with my sisters. One will even fly into town and not get in touch. Fine. I have never flown to see her. I understand how you feel, they would be the last to know if I died, and the last to care. It's something that you will get used to and then they will have no power. It's not easy and it's not something you deserve. But with time you will be free from this. Then it will be easier to fill your life with people that deserve you.
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Originally Posted by Willybluedog 
Dear BS08, Please tell us more about this drama triangle, I have never heard of this, I am struggling right now with being a good listener to my dad (the enabler) while not giving advice I know will not be taken.
Basically it talks about how we can enter into dysfunctional relationships with people were we switch roles between Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim. It really described the relationship I had with my sister. I would look at her as a Victim and try to save her (the Rescuer). She would then get mad at me for telling her what to do and become a Persecutor while I became the Victim. "How can you tell me what to do when YOUR life is so messed up!" This would lead to a huge fight where one of us would start crying (becoming a Victim) and opening an opportunity for the Rescuer to save the day again.
We did this dance for years. My mother would often join us. Looking at it this way and my role in the dysfunction made it somewhat easier for me to detach.
That's my understanding of it. There are other places that provide much better examples.
Thank you for letting me share.
db
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Originally Posted by BS08
My youngest sister thankfully escaped when she was young from all the bad stuff that happened in my house, so doesn't have those marks or experiences on her.
my younger sister thinks that not calling me ever, blowing me off, and never calling me back for MONTHS means she loves me... I could be dead on the floor for months and she'd never know it. She calls her friends weekly, but her own sister never gets a call and that's love? Am I missing something?
my younger sister thinks that not calling me ever, blowing me off, and never calling me back for MONTHS means she loves me... I could be dead on the floor for months and she'd never know it. She calls her friends weekly, but her own sister never gets a call and that's love? Am I missing something?
Somehow, everyone is affected by the non-stop drama. I think the youngest ones learn to tune out ("no news is good news", that kind of thing). Being a "good" person means not being an a**hole ("I don't treat you like crap; therefore, I treat you good" with NOTHING in between). They also missed out on basic lessons in showing loving and caring in a reciprocal, balanced way. From what I can tell, neglect sure seems to leave as many deficiencies in an adult child as active abuse. In a dysfunctional home, everyone gets their own flavour it seems (sorry to say...)
If it's any consolation, I cut out most of my family last year. My mom -- who has listened to my adult anger about her role in my childhood, who has shown through actions that she respects my boundaries, and who does not instigate the "crazy" in me -- is the only family I talk to on the phone these days. In other words, as Kialua said, she has shown through actions that she deserves to have me in her life. And that only came after a couple years of me moving across the country.
Really, distancing with love is one of the nicest things you can do for them and yourself. They have to want to do the work to untangle and disengage from the family BS before they can be healthy enough for you -- before they can deserve to have you in their life. Keep your mental health top priority, BS08. Mental health really is the greatest gift you can give to yourself and anyone you care about.
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Thanks Dothi. That helps.
Basically I'm back where I started. Older sister was supposed to come out with the family this month and I just couldn't handle having a week of that total dysfunction here. It wasn't going to be any fun at all. So I said my peace to both of them and basically told that I don't understand what married life is like (I guess living with some and being with them for 8 years doesnSt cvount) and couldn't understand the dynamics of it. They also think because I left the family before, I just took the easier route and my life is just so carefree and easy. They have no idea what being completely alone is like. Like disowing your entire family is just so easy. I'm trying to get healthy, and if they aren't willing to try and get healthy to, I have to do it on my own. I limited them on my FB page when when the passive aggressive message started showing up. If they're not going to pick up the phone and discuss it like normal adults, I'm certainly not going to respond to a stupid post on their wall about real friend stick it out. And she involved my neices to gang up on me too. This is suppo sed to be between just us, not dragging everyone else into it like a big pissing match. I don't want that anymore and this same family drama. I wanna move on. I discussed it with my therapist and showed her all the email communications to try and figure this out. I even sent an apology email trying to smooth it out and own my part but just got more PA behavior and FB postings about her needing an aquintance button. I gave up and back to being an orphan again.guess i'm just ment to be on my own....
Basically I'm back where I started. Older sister was supposed to come out with the family this month and I just couldn't handle having a week of that total dysfunction here. It wasn't going to be any fun at all. So I said my peace to both of them and basically told that I don't understand what married life is like (I guess living with some and being with them for 8 years doesnSt cvount) and couldn't understand the dynamics of it. They also think because I left the family before, I just took the easier route and my life is just so carefree and easy. They have no idea what being completely alone is like. Like disowing your entire family is just so easy. I'm trying to get healthy, and if they aren't willing to try and get healthy to, I have to do it on my own. I limited them on my FB page when when the passive aggressive message started showing up. If they're not going to pick up the phone and discuss it like normal adults, I'm certainly not going to respond to a stupid post on their wall about real friend stick it out. And she involved my neices to gang up on me too. This is suppo sed to be between just us, not dragging everyone else into it like a big pissing match. I don't want that anymore and this same family drama. I wanna move on. I discussed it with my therapist and showed her all the email communications to try and figure this out. I even sent an apology email trying to smooth it out and own my part but just got more PA behavior and FB postings about her needing an aquintance button. I gave up and back to being an orphan again.guess i'm just ment to be on my own....
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