Parents of Adult Alcoholics

Old 01-07-2012, 12:18 PM
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Parents of Adult Alcoholics

I became aware of my 31-year-old daughter's alcoholism a year ago. Apparently she hid it well for some time before that. In the past year, she has been detoxed 8 times, gone to 3 different rehabs, been on life-support twice for overdosing, had at least one seizure, pleaded guilty to DUI in criminal court, had numerous injuries from falls, etc. She lost a good-paying job, her apartment, her car and license, and joint custody of her daughter.

She moved in with a heroin addict she met in one rehab, and began using drugs. When things went bad there, she went back to rehab and moved back to her daughter's town. Since she has no job, just unemployment, she can only afford to live in a "flop-house" with other addicts and indigents. Her safety is in jeopardy everyday.

Although she says she wants to get better, she hasn't done anything concrete to achieve sobriety. She begins drinking within days of leaving rehab or detox. One by one, our family members have disassociated from her. The hold-outs were her ex-husband, my husband, and me. Last night, she pulled another stunt, and her ex-husband and my husband threw in the towel.

She is planning to move back to the heroin addict, whom she now says has been clean for 3 months (so he says). She will be hours away from her daughter.

Everyone tells me I have to let go of her because she has to want to get better herself. I just don't know how to let go. If I use "tough love" will I be happy I did if she kills herself? I know I can't control what she does, but if I cut off contact with her and something (else) bad happens, how will I forgive myself?

Last edited by PerhapsLove; 01-07-2012 at 12:19 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 01-07-2012, 12:53 PM
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Hello PerhapsLove, and welcome to SR!

I don't think any of us parents of alcoholics/addicts ever dreamed or hope our kids would turn out that way, and I completely understand your heartache.

The alcoholic/addict in my life is my 33-year-old daughter.

She has been in an adolescent treatment center, drug rehab (she got kicked out of there quickly for non-participation), just got out of jail before Christmas for the umpteenth time. She has lost custody of both her children, gotten her daughter back, and lost custody of her late last year when she went back to jail.

She is a convicted felon. She is unemployable. She lives like a nomad, going from place to place, where people eventually get fed up with her and kick her out. She is morbidly obese, and has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease from smoking pot/cigarettes for years. She sells some of her xanax prescription every month to buy cigarettes.

I spent many years immersed in her addiction because of my two grandchildren. I begged, pleaded, demanded, tried my best to manipulate her into seeking recovery. None of it worked. I found myself standing at the precipice of relapse myself (I am a long-term recovering alcoholic/addict), and knew I could not continue on the way that I was. I was lost in her disease.

What has helped me immensely are Alanon, the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and individual therapy for myself.

I know today that God has a plan for her just as he has had for me. No matter how "ugly" things may look in her life, I just don't know what may be a blessing in disguise. I stay out of the way.

I hit my bottom in addiction/alcoholism when I found myself sitting on the edge of a bed in a squalid dealer's house, 109 pounds on a 6' frame, pregnant, weak, and preparing that syringe with the drug of choice, crystal meth. I did not get high from the drug. I went straight to raw screaming pain inside that is hard to describe.

It wasn't until that moment that I finally cried out to God and said I couldn't live that way anymore.

I was also married to an alcoholic/addict at the time, and that marriage was a catalyst in helping me reach bottom. That man never did get recovery, and was buried at 47 from complications due to AIDS. I will always be grateful for that marriage because it helped me find recovery. That probably doesn't make sense to you, but it was a strangely wrapped gift in my life.

So, I don't try to "judge" what may be strangely wrapped gifts in my daughter's life. She has a higher power just as I do, and I stay out of the way of his work in her life.

We have limited contact. She gets no money or shelter from me. I made the mistake of temporarily taking her in about eight years ago after she had done a lengthy sentence on drug-related charges. Never again.

I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands. I wish the same for you.

Hugs from one momma to another!
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Old 01-07-2012, 01:01 PM
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I am the mama of an addict who has been in and out of the revolving door of recovery/active addiction for many many years. I have lived through his OD's, his court cases and jail time, his many many rehabs and detox's, and tried many times to "help" him by letting him move home...a disaster every single time.

I tried, I cried, and I begged, bribed, threatened and did everything I could to help him. I now realize that his addiction was never mine to "manage". Only he can do that. If love could save our addict children, not one of us would be here.

Did I blame myself? No, my son is a foster-son who came from a family where every person was addicted to something, his sister died of addiction one Christmas day several years back, and he knew better, he knew his odds were not good if he "tried" drugs.

We have not seen or heard from my son in about 8 years now. He knows how to find us if he gets clean (we have moved during that time). If he is not clean, I don't want to hear from him because I simply cannot live in his addiction and my recovery at the same time.

How do I get through my days? I say a prayer every morning asking God to take care of my son. Then I live the rest of the day well, as life is meant to be lived. I find joy in every sunrise and I live in faith today, rather than the fear I lived in for so many years. It took time for me to heal, to work my program of recovery and find my balance again, but today I am grateful for a life worth living and for all those who walk this road of recovery with me.

I will add your son to my prayers, and you also. It is heart breaking to be the parent of an addict. I keep the candle of hope burning in my heart, right next to the loving memories of my son and how he used to be before addiction stole his soul. I will add a candle of hope for your son too.

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Old 01-07-2012, 01:38 PM
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It does help to know I am not alone in dealing with this. I have never dealt with addiction before so I am learning as I go along. My daughter has underlying mental health issues, and she is bulimic. I can't help but feel that if she would accept treatment for the psych issues she might really want sobriety, too. I told her today that I have to let go. I will see her tomorrow before she moves back with the heroin addict. I am determined to put her in God's hands. I have to trust that His plan is what needs to happen.

It is very comforting to know that others have been where I am. I am grieving for the daughter I have lost, but I can't go on this roller coaster ride any longer. I cherish my husband, my other children and grandchildren and it just isn't fair to them.

I appreciate all the suggestions and sharing. Thanks for the support.
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Old 01-07-2012, 01:54 PM
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PerhapsLove: Another mother of 25 YO AS here.

Before going any further, it would help if you gave a definition of "tough love." You see, that can mean different things to different people. If you were to institute your definition of "tough love," what would that consist of?
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Old 01-07-2012, 02:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
What has helped me immensely are Alanon, the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and individual therapy for myself.
:
I'm so sorry for your heart ache! I highly recommend Alanon also and the book "The Courage to Change". I'm not the parent of an addict, but the wife of a RAH and I must say that nothing helped until I let go and just worked on me and my life.

Praying for you, your daughter and your family!
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Old 01-07-2012, 02:49 PM
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(((((Perhapslove)))))

Guess it's time to give the other side of the coin again. My story. I was 33 1/2 years old in Early January of 1979 when my parents and my family said NO MORE. If I called on the phone they would hang up, if I came to the door, it would be shut in my face, and if I tried to or stole from them they WOULD call the police. They told me IT WAS MY PROBLEM and I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO FIX IT.

It took me another 2 1/2 years and the last 1 1/2 of that I lived on the streets of Hollywood, but I did find recovery. It WAS my problem and I WAS the one that was going to have to fix it. and ........................................ I did.

I can honestly tell you all these years later, of all the 'things' my folks did for me .................bailing me out, paying my rent, giving me money, NONE OF IT, yes I said NONE OF IT, compares to the GIFT they gave me. That 'gift' was BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR ME.

To this day, 30+ years in continuous recovery, I STILL SAY, the very BEST thing my parents EVER did for me was LETTING ME GO.

I understand, after many talks with my folks, that when they took that step it was because they had definitely reached ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. My mom told me that she knew without a shadow of a doubt, that if they did not 'shut me out' she and my dad were going to have to go being in strait jackets, locked in a padded cell.

So ................................. by 'letting her go' and trusting that her HP will take care of her you are giving her a HUGE GIFT. The ''gift" of taking Responsibility For Herself.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 01-07-2012, 04:20 PM
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To me, "tough love" means not letting her drag me down. Not giving her money for anything, even when she says she has no money for food. It means not getting her to her probation officer, not facilitating contact with her daughter, not "rescuing" her. Basically not making it easy for her to avoid responsibility for her situation. I'm just not sure I can do it. I want to have contact with her, but I'm starting to realize that she knows how much I worry about her and tells me how horrible things are so I will bail her out.
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Old 01-07-2012, 04:22 PM
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To me, "tough love" means not letting her drag me down. Not giving her money for anything, even when she says she has no money for food. It means not getting her to her probation officer, not facilitating contact with her daughter, not "rescuing" her. Basically not making it easy for her to avoid responsibility for her situation. I'm just not sure I can do it. I want to have contact with her, but I'm starting to realize that she knows how much I worry about her and tells me how horrible things are so I will bail her out.

My concern is that if I choose "tough love" and she ends up in a worse situation, I will be responsible for her downfall.

Last edited by PerhapsLove; 01-07-2012 at 04:22 PM. Reason: duplicate
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Old 01-07-2012, 04:29 PM
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I am trying to convince myself that letting go is the best thing for her. I told her today that I can't go on this ride with her anymore. She wants my approval of her decision to go back to the heroin addict, whom she claims is now clean. I didn't give it, but she is going anyway. It is her easy solution. My heart aches for her situation. I want her to be okay, but I understand she has to want it too.
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Old 01-07-2012, 04:34 PM
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I am trying to let her go. She wants my "approval" of her decision to go back to the heroin addict. I've told her I want her to be safe and healed, but that she has to want it for herself. I don't think she yet has made that commitment. Letting go is very difficult.
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Old 01-07-2012, 04:37 PM
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Sorry that I am repeating posts. I've never done this before and can't figure out how to delete the duplicates!
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Old 01-07-2012, 04:55 PM
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Originally Posted by PerhapsLove View Post
Sorry that I am repeating posts. I've never done this before and can't figure out how to delete the duplicates!
No worries! I've done it myself before. There is no way to delete duplicates unless a moderator does it.

As for you being responsible for her downfall if you use tough love, that is just not true.

Alcoholism/addiction is a progressive disease, that is it only gets worse, never better if left untreated.

She's been in rehab 3 times. She knows the drill. She isn't willing to do the work in recovery.

I can tell you that my parents almost loved me to death.

I watched it happen firsthand where I live with an addict who never did without, thanks to her parents. They financed two businesses for her, and paid for rehab over a dozen times.

Fortunately that addict's father passed away before she did, so he didn't have to bury his daughter. However, her mother did get to bury her.

She was never allowed to feel the full consequences of her addiction.
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Old 01-07-2012, 05:45 PM
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I feel like she has dragged me into a world that I never wanted to be part of. I understand that the disease is progressive, and I agree that she hasn't chosen to interrupt her path. I just keep thinking about my little girl and how sweet she was before all of this. I believe that person is still inside of her, but I am starting to understand the manipulation. Saying goodbye to her tomorrow will be tough, but I know I have to do it.
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Old 01-07-2012, 08:21 PM
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Originally Posted by laurie6781 View Post
(((((Perhapslove)))))

Guess it's time to give the other side of the coin again. My story. I was 33 1/2 years old in Early January of 1979 when my parents and my family said NO MORE. If I called on the phone they would hang up, if I came to the door, it would be shut in my face, and if I tried to or stole from them they WOULD call the police. They told me IT WAS MY PROBLEM and I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO FIX IT.

It took me another 2 1/2 years and the last 1 1/2 of that I lived on the streets of Hollywood, but I did find recovery. It WAS my problem and I WAS the one that was going to have to fix it. and ........................................ I did.

I can honestly tell you all these years later, of all the 'things' my folks did for me .................bailing me out, paying my rent, giving me money, NONE OF IT, yes I said NONE OF IT, compares to the GIFT they gave me. That 'gift' was BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR ME.

To this day, 30+ years in continuous recovery, I STILL SAY, the very BEST thing my parents EVER did for me was LETTING ME GO.

I understand, after many talks with my folks, that when they took that step it was because they had definitely reached ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. My mom told me that she knew without a shadow of a doubt, that if they did not 'shut me out' she and my dad were going to have to go being in strait jackets, locked in a padded cell.

So ................................. by 'letting her go' and trusting that her HP will take care of her you are giving her a HUGE GIFT. The ''gift" of taking Responsibility For Herself.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
What a powerful message of hope. THanks for sharing your story!
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Old 01-07-2012, 08:54 PM
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Perhapslove,

I am a parent, but not the parent of an addict, I just wanted to say welcome, I will say a prayer for you and your daughter.

Two things helped me immensely when dealing with my mothers addiction, counseling and the book Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsh, the gist is God always answers, he may not answer in a way you immediately recognize, or he may not give you the answer you want, but he is there, he listens, and he loves you.

Best of luck to you,

Bill
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