Need lots of moral support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 216
Need lots of moral support
I've finally reached a decision that I can no longer hold onto this life that I am living. I have been fighting this battle of codependency hell for more than 10 yrs and I am throwing in the towel. I have posted here with bits and peices, but I need to lay it all on the table, if only to sort it all out for me. Here's my situation:
I married a drug addict and our family life was very dysfuctional, even though I thought we could still be a functional family unit. When all 4 were still very young, it took 6 yrs, but I finished college and became a nurse. Then my husband was diagnosed with a lung disease, at the age of 36, and I worked 2 jobs to keep up with mortgage, etc....leaving the children in his care most of the time to do this. I still feel guilt over this, which is probably why I have put myself in the situation I am in.
When my spouse died 10 yrs ago, I was left with 4 children, ranging in ages from 19-14 yrs old.My oldest was not living with me, but the others were in high school. I really thought that once the addict was removed, we would somehow all mend from the madness and live happily ever after.
I can sit here and write a book on all the psych facilities, drug treatment centers, hospitals, etc, etc we have visited, but I think most of you have been down this road too and can fill in the blanks. It makes my mind spin when I even think of looking back. I sincerely don't know where I had the strength to go through all of this. Every time one would seem OK, another would step up to the plate, kind of like saying "it's my turn". My caretaking codependency had no bottom!
Anyway, today I find myself with 3 of my adult children living with me and life is HORRIBLE. They range in ages of 33 (with a 6 yr old son), 28 and 27 with the maturity of 13. Mental illness, drug abuse/addiction and lots of dysfunctional behavior on all of our parts have made this a living hell. My younges daughter (with a 5 yr old daughter) lives up north with her boyfriend. She goes to a meth clinic to ward off her withdrawals. Not a one has a job. When I look at what I just wrote, I still can't believe I am talking about my family! But there it is in black and white.
I have spent a lot of time and money in the past 10 yrs trying to get them "jump started" into adulthood. Now I am faced with jump starting 3 and I have ran out of juice, so to speak.
With this truth, staring me in the face, I have decided to put my home up for sale. I feel this is the only way I can detach and live the rest of my life in peace. I have tried throwing them out, only to have them come back to "their home". In a way, I am to blame for this, since I told them when their father died, this would always be their home. This home is only a house to me now.
I am asking for moral support from my SR family, which is very difficult for me to do, since in my mind, I have always had to be strong. Hell, that's how I survived all this! But I'm tired of simply surviving...existing. When I mention selling my home to some of my other family/friends...they pretty much all say the same...don't do it...throw them out. As I said, I've tried this, but I can't seem to do this and stick to it.
When I think of living on my own, I feel at peace. When I think of getting rid of all the junk they keep bringing back and packing up all this stuff, I feel defeated.
I attend CODA meetings once a week and began therapy (only 1 session). But for the most part, I get more out of this board.
Any sharing would be much appreciated,
huggs,
Hope
I married a drug addict and our family life was very dysfuctional, even though I thought we could still be a functional family unit. When all 4 were still very young, it took 6 yrs, but I finished college and became a nurse. Then my husband was diagnosed with a lung disease, at the age of 36, and I worked 2 jobs to keep up with mortgage, etc....leaving the children in his care most of the time to do this. I still feel guilt over this, which is probably why I have put myself in the situation I am in.
When my spouse died 10 yrs ago, I was left with 4 children, ranging in ages from 19-14 yrs old.My oldest was not living with me, but the others were in high school. I really thought that once the addict was removed, we would somehow all mend from the madness and live happily ever after.
I can sit here and write a book on all the psych facilities, drug treatment centers, hospitals, etc, etc we have visited, but I think most of you have been down this road too and can fill in the blanks. It makes my mind spin when I even think of looking back. I sincerely don't know where I had the strength to go through all of this. Every time one would seem OK, another would step up to the plate, kind of like saying "it's my turn". My caretaking codependency had no bottom!
Anyway, today I find myself with 3 of my adult children living with me and life is HORRIBLE. They range in ages of 33 (with a 6 yr old son), 28 and 27 with the maturity of 13. Mental illness, drug abuse/addiction and lots of dysfunctional behavior on all of our parts have made this a living hell. My younges daughter (with a 5 yr old daughter) lives up north with her boyfriend. She goes to a meth clinic to ward off her withdrawals. Not a one has a job. When I look at what I just wrote, I still can't believe I am talking about my family! But there it is in black and white.
I have spent a lot of time and money in the past 10 yrs trying to get them "jump started" into adulthood. Now I am faced with jump starting 3 and I have ran out of juice, so to speak.
With this truth, staring me in the face, I have decided to put my home up for sale. I feel this is the only way I can detach and live the rest of my life in peace. I have tried throwing them out, only to have them come back to "their home". In a way, I am to blame for this, since I told them when their father died, this would always be their home. This home is only a house to me now.
I am asking for moral support from my SR family, which is very difficult for me to do, since in my mind, I have always had to be strong. Hell, that's how I survived all this! But I'm tired of simply surviving...existing. When I mention selling my home to some of my other family/friends...they pretty much all say the same...don't do it...throw them out. As I said, I've tried this, but I can't seem to do this and stick to it.
When I think of living on my own, I feel at peace. When I think of getting rid of all the junk they keep bringing back and packing up all this stuff, I feel defeated.
I attend CODA meetings once a week and began therapy (only 1 session). But for the most part, I get more out of this board.
Any sharing would be much appreciated,
huggs,
Hope
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
If it's worth any consolation, although I'm sorry you are having to sell the house, I think you are doing the right thing for yourself 
.
I hope that you are receiving counseling and good advice from an attorney and real-estate agent through all of this!
For Mr. HG and I, it sort of worked out the same way with his son. At first, Mr. HG gave his son 30 days written notice to vacate (this was the only way we could get the police involved if needed at the end of that time - file with the local magistrate). We thought he might be violent.
After that, Mr. HG did put the house on the market for two reasons. He did not particularly need if just for himself, and it turns out, he was planning on proposing to me. He believed we might want a house that was "ours" not "his".
Be aware that your "house guests" might try to sabotage this process at every turn by refusing to leave the house during showings, by making messes right before they leave, or a variety of other things.
And don't forget.....vent away here any time you want to and need to!!!!
.I hope that you are receiving counseling and good advice from an attorney and real-estate agent through all of this!
For Mr. HG and I, it sort of worked out the same way with his son. At first, Mr. HG gave his son 30 days written notice to vacate (this was the only way we could get the police involved if needed at the end of that time - file with the local magistrate). We thought he might be violent.
After that, Mr. HG did put the house on the market for two reasons. He did not particularly need if just for himself, and it turns out, he was planning on proposing to me. He believed we might want a house that was "ours" not "his".
Be aware that your "house guests" might try to sabotage this process at every turn by refusing to leave the house during showings, by making messes right before they leave, or a variety of other things.
And don't forget.....vent away here any time you want to and need to!!!!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I can only share what happened to my friend. Her son is an alcoholic, he ived with her, she never took the bull by the horns and tossed him out, he kept getting worse, finally he attacked her, she did call the sheriff and he was arreested, she dropped the charges (big mistake) anyway he moved back in, eventually she did put her house up for sale, took a year to sell it....she moved....she was finally free...right? Nope, because she never took the time to work on her, her codependency and enabling continued and finally...yes...that's right...she let him move back in. He held all the power, he ran all over her, and, she allowed it. About a year after he moved back in she had several strokes and died at age 53.
The A son still exsists in the house, it is a mess, he is still drinking and I believe on crack too.
My point is that you could move to Sibera and if you are really not done enabling nothing will improve, nothing will change until you get healthy and get your life under control and
learn to say "No" and mean it.
As far as telling them your home would always be their home...you do have a right to change your mind, to me step one would be to get them all out of the house, seling it with them all there probably will turn into another nightmare.
I hope this all works out for you.
The A son still exsists in the house, it is a mess, he is still drinking and I believe on crack too.
My point is that you could move to Sibera and if you are really not done enabling nothing will improve, nothing will change until you get healthy and get your life under control and
learn to say "No" and mean it.
As far as telling them your home would always be their home...you do have a right to change your mind, to me step one would be to get them all out of the house, seling it with them all there probably will turn into another nightmare.
I hope this all works out for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
I am a real estate broker amongst other things. I have lost track of the number of homes I have shown where it's immediately apparent one or more of the occupants have no itention of moving. Hanging around during showings and bad mouthing the property, ashtrays overflowing with butts, soiled diapers, food left out to rot, poop in the toilets and worse.
In this market, in most places, it's bad enough that sellers are often forced to compete with foreclosures to get sold without the burden of some of the occupants trying to derail the sale.
Some parents change their locks and install alarm systems to keep their adult children out. Others invoke the legal process of eviction. Depends on your municipal laws and how likely the adult children are likely to squat. Seriously consider buying 1-2 hours of time with an real estate attorney to help you craft a plan.
Know that you are giving them the gift of dignity to experience the consequences of their choices. Until they do, there is no hope that one, let alone all three, will consider alternatives.
In this market, in most places, it's bad enough that sellers are often forced to compete with foreclosures to get sold without the burden of some of the occupants trying to derail the sale.
Some parents change their locks and install alarm systems to keep their adult children out. Others invoke the legal process of eviction. Depends on your municipal laws and how likely the adult children are likely to squat. Seriously consider buying 1-2 hours of time with an real estate attorney to help you craft a plan.
Know that you are giving them the gift of dignity to experience the consequences of their choices. Until they do, there is no hope that one, let alone all three, will consider alternatives.
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