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Trouble after rehab

Old 01-07-2012, 01:56 AM
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Unhappy Trouble after rehab

I am new in my recovery about 40 days sober from drugs and alcohol. I went to rehab for 30 days and regained my confidence and found hope. I moved into a sober living home for women.

Right now, I am hoping for some insight from others on my new "home." Currently, I am in a full fledged panic attack that has been going on since 2:30 pm. I have been sick to my stomach since then and cannot sleep although I am emotionally exhausted.

I have only been here a week but the woman who runs the place calls emergency house meetings and yells at us over things like butter. People were mildly complaining that there was no butter to cook with and she really flipped out and told everyone that they need to practice gratitude. It's her delivery that I find disturbing. She called a meeting today about gossip and I was so uncomfortable I looked at the wall to try and calm myself. She then put me on blast and ordered me to look at her while she is talking although I do not gossip. I just arrived here and am so fresh in my recovery. I wish I was back in the rehab where I was loved and safe.

I am having a melt down tonight in private. Is my situation "normal"? Is this what I should expect from most SLEs? We have another house meeting tomorrow and I can't stop feeling sick and scared. Thanks for letting me vent. I know that things are probably just amplified for me now. It's just really intense around here.
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Old 01-07-2012, 02:02 AM
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I have no experience to share about Sober Living Houses, but I hope others will be along BL.

I hope you'll be able to get some rest.

D
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Old 01-07-2012, 02:06 AM
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Thanks Dee. I am trying to just chill out and breathe.
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Old 01-07-2012, 03:18 AM
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Bostonluv,

Your post moved me. Sorry for your unease in the situation. I dont have any experience with sober living houses, but I know about unpleasant people and about anxiety attacks, lol. I find my mind is quite helpful in tough situations, if I can just get on the right track with it.
Congratulations on getting on track with your life,tho! and how lucky that you have are able to get here to SR. I hope you were able to get some rest.
When i have anxiety like that, i find it helpful to force myself to think of anything other than the person causing me to feel that way. like at work, i have to try to put that person out of my mind. not let them "rent space" as they say. but that would be harder in your situation, i would imagine, with all of this being new and you maybe feeling vulnerable right now.
breathing, yoga, medition and prayer helps me. remember, you are there to get you help, to get used to living without drinking. try to learn the valuable lesson in the negative things-there usually is something. sometimes, it is finding my own strength , or making myself become more mature in my responses.

you can look at someone while they are talking, and still control your thoughts. maybe think about your goals, or how what she is saying is important to someone there. i know that gossip is terribly destructive, and could be someones undoing, and i guess it is very important in early recovery, to not be gossiped about. so i can see why she would be so strict about that.

i wish i had more comforting experienced advice, but i just wish you the best. hang in there, get strong. learning to not be blown about by every wind is one of my goals. dont let rude people hurt you, just learn what you can from them, even if it is how to not take things personally if they dont pertain to your actions. big hugs, and keep posting! good luck, too!
chicory.
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Old 01-07-2012, 07:04 AM
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Unfortunately, some Recovery Homes for Alcoholic Women do have 'House Mothers' that are like that and 'rule' by dominating.

If you are that uncomfortable, there is no harm in checking around for other similar homes, as there are quite a few in California. I don't know what you mean by "Northern" California, but I know there are several in San Mateo, and there ae some pretty good ones further south in Los Angeles out in the San Fernando Valley.

It also may be her way of letting the residents see what the 'real' world is like in this day and age.

You will be the one who has to decide whether you can weather this and keep moving forward, or whether another Sober Home might be more suited to you and you more suited to it.

Know that we are alway here for you to vent.

Love and hugs,
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Old 01-07-2012, 07:18 AM
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I have zero experience, but I know you have been seeing clearly for a few weeks now. I am of the opinion that believe it or not everybody and I mean everybody has their own crazy. It is possible there is a method to her madness, or she is simply mad. But how glorious if she is just cookoo, that you have started to deal with yours. My first realization that sobriety was good for my anger and resentment? When my wife was talking to her sister that I have real issues with. Her sister was bitching about something, and for the first time I thought...hey at least I am starting to deal with my isues, but you....you are still cookoo. And for that I am sorry.

My point - learn to see the gift. You will face adversity from people for the rest of your life. But at least you have been given tools that are making you a better person. The more you can see the crazy and smile, the stronger you are becoming.
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Old 01-07-2012, 07:23 AM
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Sorry to hear about your tough situation. It sounds as if the person leading the house may not be so "well". If you can just tune this person out when you hear the negativity. Anxiety is "normal" in early recovery and unfortunately it is hard to deal with. I have always had some, but exercise and a healthy diet have done wonders. As bad as you may feel, try and remember the worst you felt prior to getting into recovery and you will see that these "feelings", though certainly not desired even to the point of "meltdown" are not nearly as bad as the experiences that brought you into recovery in the first place. Just hang in there. Get out and get some exercise. Especially, don't let sick people bring you down. There are a lot of people that have been sober and in "recovery" for some time that are still "sick". Try and stick around and get support from the people in which you see what you want. I know it is difficult, but do not personalize negativity and let it make you think the lie, " this is worse than what it was before". It is a trap. I am rooting for you.
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Old 01-07-2012, 07:36 AM
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I have no experience with a sober living house, but that sounds like an awful environment in which to try to heal.

I hope you can find some peace.
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Old 01-07-2012, 08:29 AM
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I agree with Laurie's suggestion, but I have some other advice for the present moment. Do not let anyone in that Sober Living house see you posting here on Sober Recovery. If they know your user name on here, rest assured that someone will inevitably rat you out to the "den mother" for posting this in order to get brownie points, and they will probably make an example out of you.
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Old 01-07-2012, 08:54 AM
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I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but "dealing" will help you to grow. Are you in a 12 step program? Focus on your own sobriety and growth! You can stay stopped & deal with this person!
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Old 01-08-2012, 10:29 AM
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New problem

Thanks for the thoughts and the advice. I have mentioned to others that this is a good place to vent and post. No one knows my user name though and honestly I don't think the few people were all that interested. But thank you for the reminder.

I am going to AA meetings. At least one a day. I have a sponsor in mind but she left early yesterday so I couldn't talk to her. I hope to see her at the noon meeting today. But......

I have a new problem. I moved here with another girl from the rehab and she's just playing a game to get back in favor with her father. I see that now. She offered me pills (percocet and klonopin) last night and actually was stoned in the house. I did not take the pills and told her I couldn't because I was addicted to them. I played along that I was cool with it but warned her about random UAs. No one here has ever gotten a UA from the "house mother" Veronica. So.....this morning I spoke with the house manager, Cassidy. I said I was feeling anxious and I said that Veronica should really test the house or just me specifically from time to time to keep me accountable. She asked if someone was using and I kept hesitating and then I said, possibly. She asked if the person was upstairs or downstairs and I said downstairs. She guessed the person's name and I fell silent and then said, I can't say.....

Anyway, I know she is going to Veronica with this issue and that we will be tested today. I'm extremely worried on how this will be handled. I feel sick and anxious about the whole thing. I don't know if I did something wrong or right. I feel so guilty right now. Like I'm stirring up trouble. I am so lost. I am so lost.

I also know for a fact this sick person would turn around and accuse me of using and make up anything to save their own butt since she already made up a rumor about me before. Not that I was using. I guess that's the reason I've been keeping her close to me. How messed up is that? Now things are out of control. I feel so out of control and scared. Now I'm rambling.......

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent I guess.
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Old 01-08-2012, 11:45 AM
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I have no knowledge of these houses, but from reading your posts, it is my humble opinion that the environment there is not conducive to healing.
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Old 01-08-2012, 12:19 PM
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I did in-patient rehab in 2011. I was contemplating a sober living house, but chose to go live with my parents instead. I heard a few horror stories about them from people with experience. The thought of living with other addicts/alcoholics just didn't seem right because while in rehab, all they did was talk about their addictions and use. Kinda depressing. But to each his own, right?
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Old 01-08-2012, 04:44 PM
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Okay, first off the only person you are responsible for is you. The minute you try to focus in any way on someone else in the house you are not working your program. I'm not trying to make you feel bad but you rejected her offer of the pills, the next thing you could have done is talk to someone about your fears of future drug use.

This girl you share a room with could be a future neighbor or co-worker. Will you have the tools to say no then? This girl will implode on her own. See how upset you've made yourself by giving her sobriety any thoughts? We all have our own paths, hers may be more messed up than yours so don't get sucked in.

Focus on you. Post here about your feelings some more. You're going through a ton. There are always users and liers in most sober living homes and they are always found out.
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Old 01-08-2012, 04:58 PM
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I have been in many "recovery homes". Some are stricter than others and it may not be a good fit. I was in one where we couldn't use the bathroom during the meeting and had to walk (were forbidden from taking bus) up to 4 miles for meetings. They told us we needed to learn to be grateful. Needless, to say I lasted only 2 weeks there. If you have to look for a new recovery house do not feel like a failure. It doesn't mean you can't stay sober. I eventually did move to one and lived there for a year. I really enjoyed it and got to learn a lot about recovery.
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Old 01-08-2012, 05:06 PM
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bless your heart! i can only remind you that ....that which does not kill us...will make us stronger. perhaps this is a test for you. i really want to see you pass it. just remember...all you have to do in life is the next right thing. sending strength to you...mags


ps....the witch can't eat you!
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Old 01-08-2012, 05:21 PM
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I had a six week experience years ago. All I can say is this, focus on you, why YOU are there, what you can learn and gain, and don't get caught up in anyone else's drama. The staff isn't blind or dumb. They see who the trouble makers are, who is trying to move ahead and who is trying to hold everyone back. They see it. Haters are gonna hate, even though it's hard to ignore their drama, remind yourself that their issues are theirs, and stay focused on you.

Hugs, I know these living situations are not easy, and in the end, you might choose to find another situation, but wherever you go the basics are the same. You take care of you, and don't let others drag you into their games.
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Old 01-08-2012, 07:15 PM
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First off, congrats on your sober time AND your decision to move into a recovery home. I know how difficult that can be.

I moved into an Oxford House after I was in rehab. They are a bit different than most recovery homes in that they are Self Run, Self Supported, Addiction Recovery Houses . No one is in charge (sort of like AA). It sounds crazy but it works. Oxford House has been around since 1975.

I lived in my house for about 2 years. If you'd like to know more send me a PM; I'd be happy to tell you more. It's something that helped me stay sober for sure. It was a great experience and I wouldn't trade the experience for anything.
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Old 01-08-2012, 09:20 PM
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Originally Posted by bostonluv View Post
She asked if someone was using and I kept hesitating and then I said, possibly. She asked if the person was upstairs or downstairs and I said downstairs. She guessed the person's name and I fell silent and then said, I can't say.....
That's a little weird that she went back and forth like that, trying to play "guess who" with you. IMHO.
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Old 01-08-2012, 09:29 PM
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Originally Posted by choublak View Post
That's a little weird that she went back and forth like that, trying to play "guess who" with you. IMHO.
Environments with that type of structure rely heavily on snitches, and they can always use more, so they will "test" people to see who will snitch. The best way to survive in such places is to focus on your own problems and to keep your opinions to yourself.
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