JustAverage

I am so angry! My friend is going in for detox next week. Her doctor told her not to stop drinking until she goes into detox. I was talking to her and I find out that she did not eat a thing all day today but has been drinking ALL DAY!! I AM SO ANGRY!!! What should I do? I have had it.

suki44883

Why do you feel the need to do anything? It's not your job to monitor her drinking. If she wants to drink, she's going to drink. If she doesn't want to eat, she won't eat. We cannot control other people. Take a step back and MYOB.

JustAverage

Okay, if that's what I'm supposed to do. I do usually MYOB buy the way. But I don't want to see her die!

suki44883

None of us want to see our loved ones die, but again, we cannot control them. All we can do is detach so we don't have a front row seat to the drama. It doesn't mean we don't care, it just means that we realize we are helpless in the face of addiction. They will get help if and when they are ready. We cannot make them ready. We can only take care of ourselves and pray or hope they decide to seek recovery.

JustAverage

I think I see what you're getting at. I never attended an ALONON meeting. Maybe I should. It would have done me good growing up with a junkie in my house. I found a good link here: Mind Your Own Business - Al-Anon Meeting Topic on Mind Your Own Business

JustAverage

Should I give my friend an choice, the booze or me?

jessiec

Are you ready to walk away if your friend chooses alcohol? Only pose that ultimatum if you are.

If you've reached your breaking point with a toxic friendship, end it and so be it.

But if you want to preserve this relationship, I'd say wait, let your friend go through detox and see what happens.

JustAverage

When she gets out of detox should I keep my distance? After all, I know she will be different. And our relationship will be different. I don't want to trigger her in anyway.

tabatha

There's a very good chance your friend is not able to just stop drinking and withdrawal can be brutal without medical detox and supervision. It can also be dangerous. There's really no way of knowing how your friend will be when out of detox and into recovery. She may distance herself from you to work on her recovery but you won't know this until she's out of detox, sober, and into some kind of recovery program. There's really not much if anything you can do as this is her recovery attempt and not yours. I would let her know that you want to keep her as a friend, but it will have to be a 'sober' friend.

JustAverage

Is it right to think she is only have one last binge before she gets sober? Is that a realistic way of thinking about it? I don't think it is but someone suggested that to me.

Music man

Just be her friend and support her.

If the doc said she shouldn't stop till detox, there's a good reason for it.

lillamy

You know... funny, I talked to a friend today about how when we decide to start a diet, we eat like pigs the day before.

I would definitely recommend Al-Anon. But then again, I don't think there's a human being in the world who couldn't learn important things from Al-Anon. Especially (but not only) when you have alcoholics in your group of friends or family.

As for your friend -- I know when I've had friends go into detox, I've let them.
And when they come out -- I've let them know that I'm still there. And sometimes they've been completely absorbed by recovery and it's sort of petered out; and sometimes they've been filled with spiritual insight and wanted to share everything they've learned; and sometimes, they've headed right back out to the next bar.

I've been available if I felt it was appropriate, but set my boundaries as well. A newly sober alcoholic can be quite the time vampire, and I think the important thing to remember is that you're only responsible for YOU. While I wouldn't buy drinks for a RA, I also remind myself that whether they drink or not is THEIR decision. Nothing you do is going to make the decision FOR them, no matter what they tell you. YOUR job is to make sure YOUR life is where you want it to be.

(I used to work in a field where alcoholism was almost part of the job description, so I've seen a few...)

One of my RA friends always had a bottle of champagne in his fridge. "Because every time I feel like drinking," he said, "I go look at that SOB and remember how much I lost because of it. And then I decide whether it's really worth opening it or not."

Another won't attend events where alcohol is served.

So for all the similarities between As, you never can tell which way they'll lean.

I think most times, all we can do is sit back and wait.

MsGrace

I know that these thoughts (that I shared regarding AH) are the very ones that would drive me, ultimately insane. It's all the same mechanism: "what can I do, not do, say or not say, manage in some way" to make this person stop killing themselves.

I believe it may be more helpful to ask yourself what you are doing with your life, and are you willing to invest enormous amounts of time energy and effort to manage or control any other human being? For any reason? I just don't think managing others (no matter who they are or how much we love them) is our business. We simply cannot nor should not make decisions for others.

Is this easy? Certainly not. But I know early on I strongly equated my love for the A dictated I turn myself inside out to help him...until I realized that response would kill him, AND me.

Your only job is to determine how you want to invest the precious moments of your own life. Anything outside that is not your jurisdiction.

Freedom1990

If we had the power to "trigger" an alcoholic, we'd also have the power to get them sober and keep them sober.

The truth is we have zero power over the alcoholic.

I'd highly suggest starting up in Alanon meetings, and get your hands on "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Both have been lifesavers for me.

missg

Actually it can be very dangerous for an alcoholic to stop drinking before they get into detox. She may be more likely to die of the DTs than from drinking some more. Interventionists will give someone a bottle if they ask for it on the way to detox/rehab.

Maybe she's having her final 'party'. When I arranged to check myself into rehab I spend the days until I went in totally smashed on the most expensive booze money could buy 24-7. Then I went to rehab and never drank again.

In the wacky world of alcoholism this is pretty normal behavior. If she starts drinking after detox that is a different issue.

seanmichael

The most you can do is be supportive and their for them. DEFINITELY don't go handing out ultimatums, I went through the same thing with my cousin before he went into rehab for dope (or rather snapped on the way there and got arrested) but the point is they tell you to keep drinking for a reason, detox can be deadly if not handled properly. You should just stay with her and try to get her to sleep or eat something if you can.

onlythetruth

I would STRONGLY recommend that you read this book:
Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening
Robert J Meyers Ph.D. , Brenda L. Wolfe Ph.D.

Also, keep in mind that your friend's doctor told her to keep drinking for a reason: to keep her from going into withdrawal before she has appropriate medical support.

Joanie

I've seen first hand what happens when an alcoholic stops drinking without medical supervision, there's a reason they told her to keep drinking. My A had a seizure at exactly 48 hours post stopping. Had I known that was a possibility I wouldn't have thought he could stop all on his own.
Cardiac arrest is also a possibility.
Just be there for your friend when they get out of detox if you are comfortable being there. If not, then take some space. You can control you and no one else.

tabatha

I spent three days with XABF while he was starting withdrawals and before he was willing to go to detox. It was horrifying to watch. An ambulance would not take him as he was not (yet) unconscious and just wouldn't go. I would never get angry over the fact that they are still drinking up until the time of detox. If the disease has progressed to maintenance drinking they have no choice at that point other than to maintain the level of alcohol until they can safely be monitored. I have no doubt about this now after watching someone go through this incredibly painful process.

wanttobehealthy

She will choose the booze and you will be ten times more upset than you are now. Even if she says she chooses you, she won't. She has to stop and want to get well for herself first.

And fwiw, in my limited experience, the drinking behavior pre rehab sounds about right. Is she choosing or being forced to go to rehab? People I know who have been going under duress of some sort do what you friend is doing before going.