scruple

Hi all,

I'm new. I'm a 26-year-old woman at the beginning of an academic career (assuming I'm able to get past my problems and actually teach, give papers, and attend job interviews without getting drunk first). I could go into a lot of detail about my alcohol abuse, but I'll keep it short. I'm an alcohol abuser. I binge drink. I can never have just one or two; it almost always escalates into an all-night session, which frequently sees me walking miles into the city late at night to find places still open and serving, or going back to strangers' houses for more alcohol after places close, and when I don't have money I'll charm people into buying me drinks. It's totally pathetic and embarrassing, and I don't recognise myself at all in this behaviour, which has been going on for three to four years now. I know I have to stop, and I desperately want to stop. It is affecting my life in numerous unpleasant ways. It's also affecting my intellectual and creative abilities, which is perhaps the worst of all, since I've always been a high-achieving sort of person, and I used to take such pleasure in my writerly pursuits. I'm noticing by ability to think is diminished; my nineteen-year-old self would wipe the floor with my current self intellectually, and in terms of happiness and health.

Without going into what I think has caused all this, I'll just ask a question. I know that alcoholics *have* to quite drinking, forever. As an alcohol abuser, I want to quit for six months or so, and drink again at my wedding (a bit of champagne). If I go off the rails after a long quit, I will consider quitting forever. But for now, I want to quit for a substantial but short amount of time, for my health and self-respect. But what I don't get: how, if you're an alcoholic, can you just quit?! I have tried, but never made it more than three days. I reason to myself that 'well, I don't really have a full-blown problem, I just drink too much', which gets me off the hook and lets me start again after a few days. But then, of course, it lasts all night. So there is a huge problem. But how can you just quit, if you want it so badly, to the extent that nothing seems possible without it? I sometimes find myself thinking that I must be worse than recovered alcoholics, because they could quit, whereas I can't. (By the way, I'm not religious, so I'm not interested in that approach to quitting, or in AA-type deals). I would appreciate any responses to what I'm sure must seem like a very stupid question. Thank you!

Anna

It's not a stupid question, for sure, but it sounds to me like you're on the fence right now. What I can tell you, is that yes, you can just quit. That's what we have to do. It's very hard and very scary. It's like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute because we don't have a clue how to live life sober. But, for me, I knew I could not and did not want to continue drinking.

If you're not an alcoholic, you may be able to go back to drinking after 6 months sober and be just fine. The thing is it's not just about stopping drinking. That's the first thing to do, but for me, I had to take a hard look at myself and figure out how I had ended up as I had, and learn new ways to cope with life.

Dee74

hi again scruple

I 'just quit' one day in 2007, after some 15 years of trying to. Haven't looked back.

Bottom line?
I (finally) wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink, and I was prepared to do whatever it took to remain sober.

I used the support I found here to get me through those times when I really wanted to convince myself I could drink again.

It can be that simple (not easy )

You'll find a lot of support here too - and a lot of ideas.

If you feel you need extra real life support?

If AA's not your thing maybe something like SMART or Rational Recovery may appeal to you more?

D

Philo34

I think you answered your own question.

scruple

Thank you for this, Anna. I suppose it is all to do with learning new coping strategies, and coming to terms with what led us to abusing alcohol in the first place. But of course, those things that led me there are the very things that make me keep drinking: not wanting to think about them or deal with them; just wanting to escape them. Alcohol still does that for me, so while it causes so many problems itself, it is nevertheless so scary to think of how I might deal with my problems without the crutch of alcohol. I also worry about how to fill my time, particularly in the evenings; alcohol makes time go away, and when you have no confidence in yourself and your old abilities and pursuits, all you want is to make time go away without having to confront your obvious failures.

How did you know you had to quit forever, rather than just for a while? I know it sounds like I'm on the fence, but I think right now that I'm still unsure about what I need to do. Stopping? Yes, that's obvious. But forever? That seems extreme, when I think the key thing for me now is to gauge the level of my problem. I think if I can re-connect with myself, sober, then I could potentially return to drinking in moderation with a good chance of being able to just drink normally (on special occasions, for instance).

Right now though, the thought of quitting is really daunting. I don't know how I'll cope with the (strong, loud, frequent) urges I get in the evenings.

Thanks so much for your input.

scruple

Thank you for those recommendations. I already sense that this forum can and will be very supportive, if I look for that support. What you say about wanting to be sober *more* than wanting to drink though - I want to be healthy, happy, confident. But sober, all the time? I can see myself feeling exasperated, bored, and tense. What do you do to relax in the evenings? When I don't drink, I find myself confronting my failures and re-living bad memories all the time, and I can't seem to control that. Drinking makes that all disappear (I'm aware this is a total cliche by the way ). I am going to get back into exercising, but other than that (I can't exercise all day!), I'm not sure what to do. Reading doesn't work, as that's my job, and reminds me of how crap I am at what I used to be good at.

Terminally Unique

You are highly ambivalent about drinking, simultaneously wanting to quit and not wanting to quit. You keep drinking even though you know it causes you problems, in spite of your own better judgement. This is the very definition of addiction, and the fact that you can't even go four days without drinking should tell you something. At the very least, you are certainly dependent on alcohol, wouldn't you say?

Lest you get caught up in the self-improvement instead of quitting hamster wheel that so many others do, I'll leave you with this maxim:

Philo34

Scruple I had to give it up. I was so miserable at the end that I never want to go back. I believe that if I ever take a drink again, I'll be right back where I left off, sooner or later. It's not that I can't, I just don't.

Living without alcohol will get easier and you will find productive, healthy, fun ways to fill in the gaps with time I believe. good luck

lisa29

Hi there. You and I are kinda in the same boat, just stopped drinking 2 days ago. My behavior has been pathetic as well. Drinking so much that I blackout, have a hangover all day, and then ignore my need to get rest that night and drink some more alcohol to get better. It is a cycle that has taken its toll. I've gained about 30 pounds in 3 years. I used to go nowhere without a full face of make up and being dressed nice. Lately, my appearance has taken a big hit. It has kinda crept up on me, but sometimes I'll look in the mirror and think, "man, I really just don't give a crap anymore, huh?"

I can relate with drinking to make the past disappear or to numb out for a bit. I have depression and I drink to get happy--and it worked for a while. But for me, instead of fixing my problems, drinking has become one of my biggest problems and it has magnified every other problem in my life.

Quitting for 6 months would be a great achievement. You might not want to drink after that. I am not telling myself NEVER AGAIN, but I am saying, NOT TODAY! One day at a time. I want to get healthy. I can't live life this way and be successful... I wish you all the best. I think the first few weeks will be the hardest. I'm gonna join the gym tomorrow in my attempts to get healthy : )

Dee74

I was drinking all day everyday by the end so maybe the choice between one of the other was a little clearer for me - I still understand the ambivalence though

I'd drunk for years - i defined myself as a drinker, drinking was synonymous with fun for me, and with pain relief, with mood control, with stress relief....

When I quit I had no idea how to live sober - and in fact several times I just tried living my old drinking life as was, just without drinking...which meant basically work and watching TV for relaxation.

It was so empty and boring that I invariably went back to drinking.

The key is I think to accept that you need to learn how to live sober - and accept that acquiring this new skill set will not happen overnight...

it can be difficult and uncomfortable in the beginning...if it wasn't we wouldn't need places like SR. But the rewards are fantastic - I like myself and my life now. I could never say that before.

The learning curve to getting there can be pretty steep but it's pretty swift too, and you'll always find a lot of support and encouragement here.

I spent a lot of time on SR in the beginning - I also reconnected with old friends I'd drifted away from because of my drinking, I rediscovered old hobbies and started new ones - you're only limited by your imagination really scruple

At the risk of sounding Oprahesque - you really can make your life what you want it to be...take the opportunity

D

Dee74

I was drinking all day everyday by the end so maybe the choice between one of the other was a little clearer for me - I still understand the ambivalence though

I'd drunk for years - i defined myself as a drinker, drinking was synonymous with fun for me, and with pain relief, with mood control, with stress relief....

When I quit I had no idea how to live sober - and in fact several times I just tried living my old drinking life as was, just without drinking...which meant basically work and watching TV for relaxation.

It was so empty and boring that I invariably went back to drinking.

The key is I think to accept that you need to learn how to live sober - and accept that acquiring this new skill set will not happen overnight...

it can be difficult and uncomfortable in the beginning...if it wasn't we wouldn't need places like SR. But the rewards are fantastic - I like myself and my life now. I could never say that before.

The learning curve to getting there can be pretty steep but it's pretty swift too, and you'll always find a lot of support and encouragement here.

I spent a lot of time on SR in the beginning - I also reconnected with old friends I'd drifted away from because of my drinking, I rediscovered old hobbies and started new ones - you're only limited by your imagination really scruple

At the risk of sounding Oprahesque - you really can make your life what you want it to be...take the opportunity

D

scruple

I know what you mean. And yes, we do seem to be in similar boats right now! Both roughly the same age, both female, both newly deciding to stop, both with similar anxiety issues. Spooky! (Or maybe, just not that uncommon!). Unlike you though, I have failed to quit in the last two days: decided to yesterday, but just had a glass of wine. My fiance is currently in Seattle (we live together in the UK), attending a job interview, and I've been freaking out about firstly his flight, and then his general wellbeing and not getting hit by a car or something (I know, it sounds crazy). So I just had a drink to calm myself. I feel stupid and I know I've let myself down When he gets back though, I know I'll be in a better position to quit, because he supports me and I won't be worrying so much or feeling so lonely and sad.

Like you, I don't want to say NEVER AGAIN. I think that would be a good and right option if, after I had proved to myself that I can quit, I went back to damaging drinking. But, if I can quit, and then be moderate and sensible when I start, having got a grip on myself and my problems, then I will see the quitting forever thing as unnecessary. Basically, I want to know that I'm able to quit, but I also want to know whether I'm able to be a normal drinker again. But I won't know the latter until I know the former, obviously.

Can I ask: do you smoke? Because my drinking got serious when I starting smoking, and the two totally play off each other and go together. To quit one, I'd definitely have to quit the other. I know what you mean about drinking to numb oneself out to problems, until drinking because the problem. But, without the drinking, how do you intend to combat the problems? I don't mean you have to go into detail or anything, more in terms of the anxiety you mention; would you consider anti-anxiety medication, or do you anticipate the anxiety dissolving naturally the longer you are sober?

least

me too

scruple

I know you're right, and I do sound ambivalent. But I'm not ambivalent right now, in the sense that I *do want* to stop drinking, just not necessarily forever. Because stopping forever would mean never knowing whether or not I'm an alcoholic; whereas stopping for now would let me re-evaluate, and come to terms with myself. Then, after starting again, if the same problem manifested itself, I would definitely look to quit permanently. But I do want to find out. I am, however, very concerned to quit now, for a while. Maybe I won't feel like taking it up again, but I antipate that at my wedding I should be able to have a glass or two of champagne without feeling guilty or worrying. Would you advise against that?

Perhaps I haven't been expressing myself all that well. I admit, completely, that I have alcohol dependency, at least psychologically and emotionally. I don't want to be dishonest about that. But I remain hopeful that this doesn't necessarily mean lifelong alcoholism/teetotalling, but can be conquered in its earlier stages perhaps, if I overcome the underlying problems. I hope that doesn't sound dishonest or deluded. I just do genuinely wonder how alcoholics can just quit, without seeking any replacement drug, and be okay. I have so much respect for it, but it baffles and astounds me.

laurie6781

Look closely and HONESTLY at the following statement. Apply it HONESTLY to yourself.

You will have your answer:

"If, when you honestly want to, you find you
cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have
little control over the amount you take, you are probably
alcoholic."

If your HONEST answer for yourself is 'alcoholic' then it is time to search out the VARIOUS means available to learn how to abstain One Day At A Time and put your alcoholism into remission.

If you don't feel you are alcoholic, then try some CONTROLLED drinking ie 2 drinks at any function where alcohol is involved for 6 MONTHS and come back and tell us how it went.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Terminally Unique

Whether or not you are "an alcoholic" is ultimately irrelevant unless you intend to join Alcoholics Anonymous. If you really want to try this, though, quit for at least six months. You'll know soon enough the depth of your dependency, and it will take about that long for your tolerance to drop back to baseline. That said, re-addiction can occur much faster than the initial addiction. It won't necessarily happen overnight, like some people make it sound, but if it took years to get hooked, for example, you could easily be in worse shape in a month.

Some people can do this, but there is no guarantee that you will be one of them.


"Underlying issues" may lead people to start drinking in the first place, but once they cross a certain line, those "issues" cease to be the prime mover, and they drink just to drink. There is an old proverb that sums this up rather nicely: "First the man takes a drink. Then the drink takes a drink. Then the drink takes the man.”

The reason you wonder this is that you are currently living within the bubble of alcohol dependence, and quite possibly addiction, where everything looks upside down. Once you get out of that bubble, you will probably see things differently. From what you wrote, I recommend that you quit, but it is up to you, though. Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own lives.

scruple

Thanks for this, it's given me a lot to contemplate! All day every day is an unquestionable sign one needs to stop forever. My drinking is more fitful at present, but I know it's a slippery slope. So, can I ask, what *do* you do now to combat the emptiness of work+TV? If I lived in the countryside I would be better (I'm a country girl) but right now I live in a city I hate, and the only outlet has been drinking. I don't have money to take up expensive hobbies like joining sports clubs or taking up photography. I love walking in the countryside and want to volunteer as a bird ringer, ringing and logging different species to increase our understanding. I'm also getting more into animals rights issues and stuff. But in terms of just chilling in the afternoon/evening, living in a place that stifles me, I feel at a loss. I'd love to know what other people do to combat the urges and to fill the time. Thanks again.

scruple

Okay. That brings me around to my original question though: how to quit? Obviously the answer is 'stop drinking', but I still just don't know how an alcoholic can 'just quit' when it's such a part of their life. The type of behaviour that makes people inclined to alcoholism surely makes them much less likely to be able to stop.

But how to pop the bubble initially, without just going back to the old reasoning? I know my questions must seem so naive and annoying, but they are genuine: I've never done this before.

Sorry if I'm being repetitive, I really do appreciate your advice, and I am listening to it.

Terminally Unique

Once you remove the option of drinking, boredom alone will force you to find alternate things to do. You will also be forced to deal with reality and any actual issues that are not caused by drinking itself.

Well, different people take different approaches, and you already mentioned that you are not interested in AA. There is a whole secular connections forum here on Sober Recovery for 12-Step alternatives, which you may want to look at. I personally used a method called Addictive Voice Recognition Technique (AVRT) from Rational Recovery, which is essentially a way to recognize and detach from that "old reasoning" so you don't go back to it.

lisa29

Scruple: I actually have decided to see a psychiatrist about the anxiety/depression and am going to talk to a therapist until I have this all under control. I am no longer a smoker--you are right, smoking a drinking go together. I have 2 young children at home. I stopped drinking and smoking for both and never picked smoking back up after the second. Truth is, I was very good about limiting my alcohol consumption at night with two little ones too. Didn't want to be hung over in the morning. As they got a little older, I starting drinking too much after they went to bed. I balanced it well for a while. Whatever. Truth is, the effects of alcohol starting creeping more and more into my life. I was living a double life I guess: good mom at day, party by myself at night. I justified it for a long time as just "me time". I tried to give it up too and failed the same day many times. I don't think I was very serious then...not like now. I think it just hit me that I only have this one life and that this isn't the way to go about it. Kinda like now or never. Drinking is supposed to be fun or a relaxing treat for some people, not obligatory! It's okay. I think that you can quit. It is hard and there aren't any easy answers at all. That is all I do know. And just cause I haven't drank for 2 days doesn't make me much different from you AT ALL. I could easily go back to drinking. But I really don't want to.