brownhorse

I am here again asking for help! I can not shake that I am not doing the right thing. I am constantly questioning Am I doing what I want? What my family wants? What my AH wants?

I know this is completely codependent but the truth is, excuse the expression, "I need to SH** or get of the pot!"

I have left him, he has not followed through with recovery and has started drinking or vicodin at least 5 serious times I can remember in our marriage. I have filed for divorce and it will be final in May. The first time I went to an Attorney and almost left him was when my DS, who is now almost 10, was 2! But, my heart still hurts. Am I abandoning him? He has not drank this time in over a year, unless you count non-alcoholic beer and energy drinks. So, that is my issue. Of course everytime I leave him he goes to AA and gets better for a while. I am 35 and remember when I turned 30 saying I am not going to live my 30's unhappy. He still acts like a 5 year old. We fight over everything.

So, is there anyone out there really that regrets leaving an AH? Is there anyone who stayed and wish they would of left marriage years ago?

Do I really for my own sanity have any other choice? My 2nd al-anon meeting was not as helpful as my first. It seems like everyone stays with the AH because they are sick and this is a disease.

I know no one can tell me what to do but lay it out there!! I have no one else. My grandma stayed with her AH and is still with him, unhappy. My mom stayed with my dad, unhappy. Divorce is just not common in my family but they want me to leave him! Mixed messages. Thanks

Bernadette

So, is there anyone out there really that regrets leaving an AH? Is there anyone who stayed and wish they would of left marriage years ago?


I am constantly questioning Am I doing what I want? What my family wants? What my AH wants?

This is one of those questions that is impossible to answer - and when I am asking myself to predict the future or trying to base my decisions on what other's have experienced it is usually a sign that I am OBSESSING and trying to control the uncontrollable.

Codependency warped my thinking so that I sometimes couldn;t even see how poorly I knew/understood myself, and couldn;t see how much I lived to serve and attempt to control others!

Therapy AND AlAnon helped me break those bad habits of mind....I had to find out who I am and what I really want for myself...and at first I needed a lot of help to break through my codie walls and get to ME!! But once I got through to myself all the answers are there, as well as an ability to accept the uncertaintay and unknowability of the future and just make the very best choices, do the next right thing TODAY and not obsess about how I may or may not feel in the unknowable future....

So I guess I'd try to focus on questions I CAN answer like who am I? In answering those I end up with answers and directions for many decisions in my life.

Peace-
B

Willybluedog

Brownhorse,

I have asked my dad many times over the years why he would not divorce my mother who has been an alcoholic for over 40 years (I am 49), she drinks between 3 & 6 bottles of wine a day, been in the ICU twice in the last 18 months for alcohol related heart damage, she spends over $400 a month on heart drugs that don't work if you take them while drinking, she falls constantly, lies like a rug, she lies when the truth would go over better. My dad said well if I don't stay she'll drink herself to death, I asked him, what the hell do you think she's doing now, he just shrugs, I blasted him for leaving us with an abusive drunk, when we were kids, he just does not answer.

Please don't be like this, my dad has put up with this for over 50 years, go live a happy life!

You can do better than this.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

Seren

Hi brownhorse!

No, you are not abandoning him. You have just decided that you and your precious child are not going to be subjected to a front-row seat to his addiction any longer.

Does it hurt? Oh, yes, it does. I'm very sorry for your pain, but it will pass, and you and your son will get some peace.

Although I have no similar experience to share, my understanding from reading this board is that there are many, many folks who wish they had left sooner.

Be gentle with yourself through this. You deserve joy!

brownhorse

Thanks, I am in therapy and going to al-anon. Just sometimes feel like I get mixed messages and I know it is because no one can tell me what is right for me. I really get confused with the he has stopped drinking but is not growing part of it all. I think if he started drinking it would be easy. Mentally, he is miserable, though. I can walk into a room when he is there and the whole day changes. He sulks constantly! He never feels good and is always tired. I dread if he wants to do something with me and the boys because I know it is not going to be as fun. I know the answer. I just am dealing with the moral conflict of the word divorce in my head, too. Then, there is in the future the whole dating world and that scares me all over again. I am going to worry myself sick.

Bernadette

I am going to worry myself sick.

Zaaaaaaaaackley!!!!!

Take a breath! Just reading your above post look at all the "he's!!!"

Bring on the "I's!!!"

Easy does it!
Peace,
B

LifeRecovery

My definition of recovery has changed over the years. I am in my own personal recovery from and eating disorder and even this week I tweaked what I consider my own recovery.

I am not saying that you can dictate your loved ones recovery to him by any means, but what does recovery mean to you? Are their actions associated with it, is their behavior or habits associated with it?

For awhile in my eating disorder recovery it was not engaging in the behavior....then it was not falling into the same hole again and again that triggered the behavior, then it was seeing the hole and going around it etc. During my almost 12 years of working on my recovery that has meant regular counseling, body work, seeing a dietitian at times, group counseling at times etc. Though my definitions have changed, my behavior (thank goodness has changed) it still requires a large amount of energy to work my recovery (at this time).

I do not struggle today with alcohol abuse, but I suspect that recovery for that would feel similar, but that eventually it would mean more than just not picking up alcohol. Are you seeing actions or behaviors that support recovery, in yourself or your loved one? That for me would help to answer the question if I was experiencing it.

bless5

I think you know the answer to your question. Most of the time doing the right thing, is not the easy thing. From what you are saying, staying together has not helped him to recover and has made you miserable, so being apart may be the answer. Being in an unhappy marriage can't be good for you, him or the kids.

And as for your children - I remember my, then, 18yo daughter finally told me that she loved her alcoholic father very much, but I needed to leave him. She told me she needed at least one sane parent. Her father wasn't going to be the sane one if he drank, and I was a depressed, anxiety filled, unhappy mess, trying to stay with him and make it work. She said she knew I would be fine once the divorce was over. Out of the mouths of babes....

Find another Alanon meeting and please keep going. I've been to a couple different groups, and there was definately a different feel for each.

jessiec

Hugs.

I would ask this: If you stayed with him would it just be for him?

What is best for *you*?

brownhorse

I did just get back from an alanon meeting and it was again very good. I cried. Hopefully, I am not the first one to cry at alanon.

I do not want to divorce him, but have literally given him so many chances I don't have the strength to try any more.

To answer your question LifeRecovery, no I do not think he is acting in a way I would preceive as recovery. He wants to go to meetings on his schedule and tell me why I should give me another chance. His schedule should at this point revolve around meetings and he should be showing himself why he deserves a happy life.

I truly believe right now his life revolves around me. He is either trying to get me back and doing everything he possible can for me to being mad at me and doing everything he can say or do to hurt me. That has got to be a sad way to live.

I did it again, Bernadette, and that was all about him.

I think this will all be easier when the divorce is final and he back to work in April/May.

Here is a funny end. He was talking today about all his bills and how hard it is to pay everything. (I have always done that for him.) But he says I don't have to really worry about money for food since I am over here (meaning my house during the time he is supposed to be watching, feeding, and caring for kids) so much. Who needs to budget for food when their seperated spouses house is an open pantry. Took orange juice, oranges, my extra laptop, soy milk, and cereal to his dad's house for his weekend with the kids. What am I suppose to do? It is food for the kids!

LifeRecovery

Is this okay for you today? Is it okay if it never changes?

jessiec

So glad you went to Al-Anon! And, no, you are definitely NOT the first to cry there! I sobbed my entire first meeting!

Jadmack25

I left my late XAH a week after our 27th wedding anniversary, many long years ago.
I threatened to leave, did leave, kicked out and went NC with my RABF over the years and finally came to SR.

I have wished I had done many things differently in both these alcohol damaged relationships, but NEVER have I regretted NOT staying with XAH one minute longer.

I've looked at thousands of posts and replies about folks leaving their A partner and cannot recall even 1 person believing they had gone or kicked A out too soon.
It is different for each of us, but I know that I left when I had to, when it was right for me and tho I regretted the reasons for going, I never regretted the going.

There will be days of great sadness, pain, loneliness and maybe guilt trips, and anger.....but these are grief reactions and are quite normal.

Alanon and perhaps counselling can help get thru these days, weeks and months til to our surprise the sky is blue again, birds still sing and the sun shines on us.

All the best.

lillamy

Babe, my Al-Anon group was joking about buying me my own tissue box. I've never cried as much in my adult life as I have in those meetings. 's OK.

You know... your path is your path. But when I've been asked this question in the past, I've always said the same thing: I've never heard a mother say "I regret having this child" and I've never heard a former spouse of an A say, "I wish I had stayed."

I'm about a dozen years older than you. It took me a loooooong time to decide whether to sh*t or get off the pot. Long time. Four years in Al-Anon after about 16 wondering if it was really that bad and thinking maybe this is just what marriage is like.

Even after I left, I felt guilt over having left. I knew rationally it was the right thing, but after all those years of being the wife and mother and best friend and nurse and mediator and all those other things for my AH, my emotions hadn't caught up with my brain.

The best thing anyone ever said to me (and I say this so often I should put it in my signature) was, "Not only do you have a RIGHT to leave him, you have a RESPONSIBILITY to yourself and your children to remove them from a dysfunctional situation."

You are only responsible for you. And your children. I'm guessing you and your AH haven't been together since birth, right? Somewhere along the line, before you entered the picture, he was able to make decisions and tie his shoelaces and decide on whether to go potty before getting in the car. Which means he can do it again.

You say he's angry and just being in the same room with him makes you miserable. That sounds like a very difficult situation to consider continuing living in. I know I (who says I need to be consistent, eh?) felt like it was the right thing to do to leave -- but that there was somehow something wrong with me for feeling that way. Like I should want to stay. But I didn't. And being able to be honest about that with myself was a huge milestone. I didn't care what I (or anyone else) thought I should be feeling or doing.

What's that quote that someone has in their signature? "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting a different result" or something along those lines. Another Al-Anon saying is "if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten."

In the thick of things, I would go to Al-Anon every day. I'd have gone twice a day if there had been that many meetings available. I had friends around me pointing out to me when I was enabling my AH. It worked. And even in the middle of the guilt, I have never for a red second regretted my decision to leave.

lillamy

Oh, one more quote that helped me:
"You're not abandoning him. You're saving your children and yourself."

Hopeworks

Hi Brownhorse,

I feel your torn emotions and have been there myself and what worked for me was alanon, a GREAT therapist who understood addictions and codependency (talking one on one is so helpful as we navigate the individual events and days of our lives with an A.)

It's like peeling an onion one layer at a time to get back to being the emotionally healthy person we before we slid down codependency hill into the A's abyss of insanity. It is doable but it takes time ... usually more time than we want.

I have come to believe with all of my heart that seperation and divorce can be redemptive and acts of love. Interventions are also acts of love and I do believe in those even when they FAIL to accomplish their primary purpose in the alcoholic quickly conceding to detox/recovery and a lifetime of healthy sobriety.

Interventions/seperations are acts of healthy independence for us where we draw a line in the sand and create healthy alcohol free boundaries for ourselves. The alcoholic/addict must respect these acts of self preservation and if they choose not to respect them or make the appropriate choices to potentially allow for reconciliation then they bear the consequences of those decisions.

It creates a path of "letting go" with dignity and with love for both sides of the conflict and leaves the door open for the future if things were to change someday.

The A is always furious at the outset and often stays furious and in denial but if he does then that was going to be the future anyway! There was little downside to my own decision to completely set my A adrift despite my firm belief that he would DIE ... i literally grieved that he would not survive as he has skirted death with alcohol percentages as high as 51% on many occasions.

He didn't die an in fact he had a dark night of the soul and connected with God after a month of isolated misery drinking himself into oblivion and the "miracle" finally happened! Now... prior to this time he had been dabbling at recovery and could talk the talk but was not sold out in full spiritual recovery.

If I had continued to "shelter" him from the storm he needed to fully experience that night would not have happened between he and his HP who now is a vital part of His life and recovery.

That is my personal experience and I don't want to get anyone's hopes up because it is so very, very rare but we are happier than we ever been in our entire lives!

So... my recommendation is to find a good couselor, alanon and a lot of prayer and meditation about whether you are to let him go to find his own path with the help of his HP alone.

My RAH and I have been together for 4 years and I am still not back living with him and have insisted that we continue to live in seperate households... that being said we are always together either at his house or mine.... having seperate homes gives me the peace of knowing that IF he were to drink that cutting the ties would be as easy as starting my car and driving home!

He wants to take me to an exotic beach getaway and renew our vows and eventually we will but for now I am just enjoying "dating" my handsome sober knight in shining armor one day at a time.

Hopeworks

One more thing... he and I have been and still are in counseling together and that has been extremely beneficial in helping us grow our relationship.

Most men will not willingly consider counseling but that has been one of the major keys to our successes is my RAH's willingness to receive and apply good counsel from his AA sponsors (he has several mentors) as well as our pastors and psychologist.

It took a village to put us back together again...lol

brownhorse

Thanks everybody you really have made me feel better.

Lifr, No I am not willing to live the resi of my life without him changing.

Jad, I think you nailed it. I am not really regretting that I am leaving him, it is more the why I have to!

lil amy, THANKS. I need to hear it. I do not want to wake up in 5 years and think what have I done. My kids are young enough one will not remember much of the fighting at all 4, and the other has already been through too much, In fact the moment the first time I left I decided I was done is he popped open a beer and all 4 of us were in the car!!! The second time after he stopped drinking was when he started yelling and freaking out at my oldest you are as bad and difficult as your mother!

I CAN DO THIS and be strong (most of the time) for my children and me!

brownhorse

Thanks Hope, that too helps me. I am in couseling, I would not of made it this far without it. We have treid to go together and the counselor said it is hard because the RA is not going to aa. And I am so happy things have worked out for you.

When people suggest that I try things like working together in couseling and stuff like that this feelinf of dread comes over me like I have tried so hard, I am tired. I know this is all signs I am ready to leave him.

THis website is amazing!

MsGrace

Brownhorse, so sorry for the pain you are going through...it is enormously painful to be faced with these decisions we never thought we'd have to make.

My husband was sober 13 years when we married..I'd never seen him drinking ever. The relationship was lovely and I was so happy. I thought he'd "beat" this disease. When the relapse started, I couldn't recognize it...I had no experience with it. As our lives went from happy and stable to first confused, then crisis to crisis to a rehab then full blown relapse I thought I'd just die. I couldn't believe how quickly our perfect life had turned into a nightmare. I was clear right at the beginning...that drinking had brought this chaos into our lives....the funny, smart capable loving sweet man I'd married had become sick, morose, volatile, withdrawn, anxiety ridden, narcissistic, mean. A completely different person.

It was just two weeks after discovering the drinking (which had been hidden over the course of the last year) I quietly and lovingly told him that he would have to choose...he could find his way back to sobriety and I'd support his every effort. But if he chose to not recover...he could not be with me. Period. I knew without even having researched the nature of the disease, I didn't have to look any further than the last chaotic year of our life where alcohol took center stage to see what my whole life would be, and I knew for sure I could not live like that. I WOULD NOT live like that.

He chose, and he chose that very day. He drove away to work and never looked back. He was clear he wanted his freedom to drink, his privacy, and no responsibilities. We are in the divorce process as we speak.

I've never been so heartbroken, or suffered so much in my whole life. I lost weeks to deep grief. I went to Al Anon and weeks and weeks I cried the whole meeting. I found it almost impossible to grasp he could take our wonderful life and cast it away in a second.

I'm wiser now...I know much more about the disease and MUCH more about myself. I've learned that my impulse to draw a line in the sand early and clearly was EXACTLY the right thing to do. I've learned I can survive profound grief. I've learned that pining away for the life I once knew was not productive, and now, only 3 months later, I find myself at peace. My home is quiet and safe and drama free. I'm not managing a new crisis every day. EVERY SINGLE DAY I am full of gratitude that he made the decision he made....I look back in HORROR of what the rest of my life would have been like with him. How quickly our perspective can change....when we can really look at what our life is and what our life can be. And I didn't have the responsibility of small children to consider!

This has been one of the most profoundly painful periods of my life, but you know what? I can see the end of my pain.....and fairly soon. My life will go on, on my terms, and I can fill it with everything I value that makes life worth living. This is SUCH a much better alternative than a lifetime of suffering, wondering, managing an alcoholic.

Blessings to you.... a big hug. You know what the right thing to do for you and your kids is! Just take a step toward it, as you are able.