I relapsed-
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I relapsed-
i feel dirty for this relapse, i feel stupid, and i feel i am never going to get it
what can i say, in one regard there really is nothing to say. but i am going to vent. never before have i felt so much like charlie brown with the football. this is by far the most f'd up position to be in- on different levels. for one, it's messed up to love someone who you know loves you, but just cant get it together to have something normal. 2nd- it is messed up that the only thing that can save me is the exact opposite of what i want. and 3rd what kills me is realizing i dont have the strength to do it. I remember everything that was said, and i know everyone was/is right.
for crying out loud, everything seems to move forward and i totally drop my guard, feeling content in that there is progress, but lo and behold, there really isnt progress. i think i have finally come to the realization that there is NO progress during any use, relapse or not. i ended up feeling like a jackass out in the cold last night and what kills me, what really kills me is that for the first time in my life i see that i feel unable to stand alone. so i start to reach for that thread.
today i am angry enough not to reach for it. and i have that feeling in my gut that the thread isnt going to be offered. how can so much change in 30 minutes between phone calls? how can she be so great at keeping up with things then just drop it. she had been staying at one place while doing her classes to get back into the program. she called at 9ish and talked a few minutes and i would call back in like 30 minutes. i called back and in that time she was dropped of to stay at another persons house. i got no call. and it infuriated me. the person she went to stay with had just told me about how she said she loved me so much and wants a future and all, but come on, if i was staying at one place and went to another i would call the person- right?
it seems like a petty thing, but i guess it is the straw that broke my back. i know i should be done. i know i need a break, but dammit i cant seem to let myself let go. i know today is sort of ok because i am riding high on anger, but once that subsides i am going to feel that emptiness again.
yes, nothing changes if nothing changes. but in my awful-izing i feel she has hooked up or something, i mean why else would there be radio silence. and whats it really matter. like one addict with another is going to have a happy ending. i just hate the feeling of not having someone to hold and be held by, i hate the feeling of being duped and possibly i try to change reality to make it work for me so i dont feel that way. .
wow, back to the beginning, what can i say, i am freakin charlie brown
and what may be worse, is that i am waiting for the call to hear the explanation. and whats even worse is that i am afraid to say, thats it, im done because i think without batting an eye she'll just move on to a backup. i know that says enough, but that is whats in my head. and what also bugs me is that i play out all these things in my head- did she suddenly decide that she wants to be w someone else, is she making plans to make something work with someone else, are all the i love yous meaningless. but i do know that this is all the craziness that goes with being involved with an addict. i feel like i am giving up on myself in that i dont find the strength to get out of this.
what can i say, in one regard there really is nothing to say. but i am going to vent. never before have i felt so much like charlie brown with the football. this is by far the most f'd up position to be in- on different levels. for one, it's messed up to love someone who you know loves you, but just cant get it together to have something normal. 2nd- it is messed up that the only thing that can save me is the exact opposite of what i want. and 3rd what kills me is realizing i dont have the strength to do it. I remember everything that was said, and i know everyone was/is right.
for crying out loud, everything seems to move forward and i totally drop my guard, feeling content in that there is progress, but lo and behold, there really isnt progress. i think i have finally come to the realization that there is NO progress during any use, relapse or not. i ended up feeling like a jackass out in the cold last night and what kills me, what really kills me is that for the first time in my life i see that i feel unable to stand alone. so i start to reach for that thread.
today i am angry enough not to reach for it. and i have that feeling in my gut that the thread isnt going to be offered. how can so much change in 30 minutes between phone calls? how can she be so great at keeping up with things then just drop it. she had been staying at one place while doing her classes to get back into the program. she called at 9ish and talked a few minutes and i would call back in like 30 minutes. i called back and in that time she was dropped of to stay at another persons house. i got no call. and it infuriated me. the person she went to stay with had just told me about how she said she loved me so much and wants a future and all, but come on, if i was staying at one place and went to another i would call the person- right?
it seems like a petty thing, but i guess it is the straw that broke my back. i know i should be done. i know i need a break, but dammit i cant seem to let myself let go. i know today is sort of ok because i am riding high on anger, but once that subsides i am going to feel that emptiness again.
yes, nothing changes if nothing changes. but in my awful-izing i feel she has hooked up or something, i mean why else would there be radio silence. and whats it really matter. like one addict with another is going to have a happy ending. i just hate the feeling of not having someone to hold and be held by, i hate the feeling of being duped and possibly i try to change reality to make it work for me so i dont feel that way. .
wow, back to the beginning, what can i say, i am freakin charlie brown
and what may be worse, is that i am waiting for the call to hear the explanation. and whats even worse is that i am afraid to say, thats it, im done because i think without batting an eye she'll just move on to a backup. i know that says enough, but that is whats in my head. and what also bugs me is that i play out all these things in my head- did she suddenly decide that she wants to be w someone else, is she making plans to make something work with someone else, are all the i love yous meaningless. but i do know that this is all the craziness that goes with being involved with an addict. i feel like i am giving up on myself in that i dont find the strength to get out of this.
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i think i figured something out- i finally feel used up and left in the cold to some extent. i feel ashamed and embarrassed by that. and i am unable to imagine life without this person, i feel that i may just be waiting. and i know part of me is just waiting for another call to hear the story and another part fears there wont be a call and another feels that i shoundnt take the call anyway, then i feel that that is playing a game. but you are all right, the only way to be out is to be out.
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i have been digging in to myself. and i get to the question- why can't i opt out, or why won't i? this is embarrassing to admit, but i think i have a fear that i wont meet someone else i fell attracted to on various levels. i realize that before her, i was content in life but i did smoke weed, along with having other distractions. i dont know life without anything like that in it. i dont feel close to anyone in the way that i want, you know- to have some one special to turn to.
my entire life has been devoid of that and my entire life i have tried to fill it. when i have nothing ot fill it with, it is too immense to face. plus i have issues accepting that maybe she isnt attracted to me, maybe i am her emotional drug. all i think about is that she may have switched emotional drugs last night. despite hearing that she loves me, i wonder if she is using someone new to fill that space. and if so, i cannot deal with being the one left in the dust. why should i be the one left standing alone? she should be clamoring at my door to get me to stay, and there is an answer, maybe she jsut doesnt care, and i wont allow myself to accept that.
my entire life has been devoid of that and my entire life i have tried to fill it. when i have nothing ot fill it with, it is too immense to face. plus i have issues accepting that maybe she isnt attracted to me, maybe i am her emotional drug. all i think about is that she may have switched emotional drugs last night. despite hearing that she loves me, i wonder if she is using someone new to fill that space. and if so, i cannot deal with being the one left in the dust. why should i be the one left standing alone? she should be clamoring at my door to get me to stay, and there is an answer, maybe she jsut doesnt care, and i wont allow myself to accept that.
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It is a game to her. An active addict will play people like pieces on a chess board in order to continually support their need for their DOC. This is exactly what she is doing.
Just another move in the game to keep you hooked.
I'm really sorry to hear you are in such pain, steve. You don't deserve it, but you are choosing it because you are doing this to yourself. There really isn't anything any of us can do to change this for you. It's your life, your choice. You can choose to spend the rest of this precious life of yours waiting around for an addict who isn't done yet, who isn't ready to quit, who may never be ready to quit.
or
You can choose to move forward with your life and away from her manipulations.
All the best to you, steve.
Originally Posted by steve1840
the person she went to stay with had just told me about how she said she loved me so much and wants a future and all,
I'm really sorry to hear you are in such pain, steve. You don't deserve it, but you are choosing it because you are doing this to yourself. There really isn't anything any of us can do to change this for you. It's your life, your choice. You can choose to spend the rest of this precious life of yours waiting around for an addict who isn't done yet, who isn't ready to quit, who may never be ready to quit.
or
You can choose to move forward with your life and away from her manipulations.
All the best to you, steve.
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Hi Steve,
I've been with you in spirit since 2010 while others here have been trying to help you keep your sanity. This relationship and your hopes have certainly taken a toll on your self-esteem. You feel shame because you are unable to let go, and this shame is part of her disease infecting you.
Codependency is the burying the healthy self and assuming a false self, in order to keep a relationship. You do have a healthy self, and the friends on this forum are trying to help you let go of the false one that takes over when you try to hold on to the drug addict.
The addiction literature says that the one of the primary reasons we are unable to draw a line with the addict is that we are afraid we will lose her/him. So we try to bargain with the disease. We don't let go completely, we still hope, even if we are being sensible enough to stay away. To let go completely is like a death we will do anything not to experience.
Our program teaches us that surrender to a higher power is the key to finding serenity. To believe, after much prayer and self-reflection, that our lives are in the hands of a power greater than ourselves who decides our destiny and the destiny of the one we love.
If we can believe this, we can let go. We can say, I will let go completely for one year or two or three...however long seems possible for us.....and if it is God's will, the addict will come back to me, a whole person again, and by grace alone, not by my will, we will have a life together.
There is no shame is being tossed about and shattered by someone's addiction. You cannot help what you feel and your feelings keep you slipping into answering the phone calls. But the outcome is inevitable pain, because she is active and deeply selfish and incapable of caring about your highest good.
She abuses you, then woos you, then abuses you. She is very good at keeping you off balance and in shame. This is what addicts do to us. They bring us down to their level: insane behavior and feelings of shame.
You will find your way to a clearing. Keep trying. Do not be ashamed, the disease wins if you feel that way. You will eventually find a clearing.
Stay strong. God bless.
I've been with you in spirit since 2010 while others here have been trying to help you keep your sanity. This relationship and your hopes have certainly taken a toll on your self-esteem. You feel shame because you are unable to let go, and this shame is part of her disease infecting you.
Codependency is the burying the healthy self and assuming a false self, in order to keep a relationship. You do have a healthy self, and the friends on this forum are trying to help you let go of the false one that takes over when you try to hold on to the drug addict.
The addiction literature says that the one of the primary reasons we are unable to draw a line with the addict is that we are afraid we will lose her/him. So we try to bargain with the disease. We don't let go completely, we still hope, even if we are being sensible enough to stay away. To let go completely is like a death we will do anything not to experience.
Our program teaches us that surrender to a higher power is the key to finding serenity. To believe, after much prayer and self-reflection, that our lives are in the hands of a power greater than ourselves who decides our destiny and the destiny of the one we love.
If we can believe this, we can let go. We can say, I will let go completely for one year or two or three...however long seems possible for us.....and if it is God's will, the addict will come back to me, a whole person again, and by grace alone, not by my will, we will have a life together.
There is no shame is being tossed about and shattered by someone's addiction. You cannot help what you feel and your feelings keep you slipping into answering the phone calls. But the outcome is inevitable pain, because she is active and deeply selfish and incapable of caring about your highest good.
She abuses you, then woos you, then abuses you. She is very good at keeping you off balance and in shame. This is what addicts do to us. They bring us down to their level: insane behavior and feelings of shame.
You will find your way to a clearing. Keep trying. Do not be ashamed, the disease wins if you feel that way. You will eventually find a clearing.
Stay strong. God bless.
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i think i keep allowing myself to believe that she's beyond that stuff. that she could be honest with me about anything. i keep allowing myself to believe that she is just around the corner from something good. yet, she has had a month to finish her classes and get back in, but she hasnt done it. the place she stayed last night, they first let her stay after she had to leave the program so that she could get to her classes, they eventually had enough and started to clamp down so she went back to the other friends place, but in that weeks time nothing happened. so now she is back with the first people. the kid that lives there is as codependent as i am and gets burned repeatedly by her. but there she is again, he has his family let her stay. and i feel completely immature in worrying that they will end up together becasue he can serve those needs.
its easier when i see her from the outside. i can see that she is still using and making little effort to get back in the program, but could this just be a few week relapse? but i allow myself to believe that staying at this place things will be different. that today she'll wake up and decide not to use, that they'll work on sobriety together, that she'll get back in and all these good things will happen. but when i see it from the outside, i see that she will want just a littel today, and maybe she'll make it through the day. maybe, just maybe she'll make it to class tomorrow, but she's stayed there before and it is just a matter of time between now and the weekend that things will get rocky and monday she'll miss class and so on. i project. maybe i hate not being needed by her, because that means that i really am alone. but i should accept that she has been out of the program since dec 10th and only need to go to class a handful of times and has done half. she exclaims how much she liked it and how bad she wants to go back and hates this life, but i guess that is why it is addiction, because the desire to get high seems to win everytime.
i am in denial. i dont allow myself ot accept that she is in active addiction. i try to play it off that its not so bad, that she is getting close to getting better. but she got high all week. and how is being at this place going to be any different? he'll find her money, but when that run goes dry, she'll want more. not to mention that i doubt she stays in her own room. i see her playing him the way others see her playing me. all the time he complains about how he would do allthe stuff so his familit what let her stay and she did nothing, or how she doesnt appreciate anything, or how she would take off in his aunts car for hours, he cant stand her, etc, but i know he likes her and wants to be with her.
that leads my to an immaturity again, how i dont want to lose to someone else. il ask, what is my deficiency that makes her not want to be with me? how am i unattractive?
its easier when i see her from the outside. i can see that she is still using and making little effort to get back in the program, but could this just be a few week relapse? but i allow myself to believe that staying at this place things will be different. that today she'll wake up and decide not to use, that they'll work on sobriety together, that she'll get back in and all these good things will happen. but when i see it from the outside, i see that she will want just a littel today, and maybe she'll make it through the day. maybe, just maybe she'll make it to class tomorrow, but she's stayed there before and it is just a matter of time between now and the weekend that things will get rocky and monday she'll miss class and so on. i project. maybe i hate not being needed by her, because that means that i really am alone. but i should accept that she has been out of the program since dec 10th and only need to go to class a handful of times and has done half. she exclaims how much she liked it and how bad she wants to go back and hates this life, but i guess that is why it is addiction, because the desire to get high seems to win everytime.
i am in denial. i dont allow myself ot accept that she is in active addiction. i try to play it off that its not so bad, that she is getting close to getting better. but she got high all week. and how is being at this place going to be any different? he'll find her money, but when that run goes dry, she'll want more. not to mention that i doubt she stays in her own room. i see her playing him the way others see her playing me. all the time he complains about how he would do allthe stuff so his familit what let her stay and she did nothing, or how she doesnt appreciate anything, or how she would take off in his aunts car for hours, he cant stand her, etc, but i know he likes her and wants to be with her.
that leads my to an immaturity again, how i dont want to lose to someone else. il ask, what is my deficiency that makes her not want to be with me? how am i unattractive?
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
love someone who you know loves you,
SHE CANNOT LOVE YOU WHEN SHE DOES NOT LOVE HERSELF.
So until you get STEP 1 down to the very core of your being:
"I am POWERLESS over ____________, and my life is unmanageable."
You will continue to repeat this cycle.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
ps: You cannot 'lose' something you NEVER had!
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden 
The addiction literature says that the one of the primary reasons we are unable to draw a line with the addict is that we are afraid we will lose her/him.
We don't let go completely, we still hope,
To let go completely is like a death we will do anything not to experience.
She abuses you, then woos you, then abuses you. She is very good at keeping you off balance and in shame. This is what addicts do to us.
That part i highlighted is the core of the issue. because no matter how far i can get, i still have not completely let go. if i let go, i feel like that promo for the movie vertigo, i just fall alone deep into the spiral. once upon a time i had my spirituality with me during those falls, now i fall alone and that scares me, all i can think of is being in that place with someone to hold, to give each other comfort.
i can't seem to accept that she has done very little. btw- she was really in the rehab, i got letters from her there and sent her one. i do question the circumstances as to why she got temporarily suspended. but the fact is that over the 3 weeks time, she was given a place to stay went to a couple classes then just stopped. took advantage of her situation and caused chaos and left to go stay with another person, who also uses. that started last friday. she was supposed to go to class three times this week and hasnt gone once. and as of last night is back with this other person.
its weird that when i see her possibly being with someone else, i see all the things you guys say to me. i see that there is no way anything can work out. she stays with people out of convenience. she probably tells them the same things. in fact, i know she told this one guy some of the same things. i want him to be smart enough not to fall for it, but he lets her stay with him again, so i wonder, is she telling him stuff, like is she using her seductions to break him down? he seems a lot like me. so i ask myself, why? why does he let her back in after screwing him over and causing chaos. he's only known her a couple months nad has been through the same thing with another addict. i think he thinks it is different with her. but give it time, they are allthe same. then i think, well wait, how am i different- terminal uniqueness is deeply deeply engrained in my head.
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http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ff-lately.html
This post talks a whole lot about love. Worth a read.
This post talks a whole lot about love. Worth a read.
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You might read this....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ff-lately.html
This post talks a whole lot about love. Worth a read.
This post talks a whole lot about love. Worth a read.
Last edited by Sotiredofitall; 01-05-2012 at 12:10 PM. Reason: double post
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I found this over a year ago, and it was hard but important for me to read... it still holds a lot of meaning for me and wanted to share it.
"The more I practice detachment the more in touch I am with the actual love I feel. Before recovery- loving someone had a lot of strings attached- and those strings were attached to fear. When my loved ones did things that pulled those strings- they pulled my fear- not my love. Perhaps I am more selfish than others, but I know I love my family very much. However, when I WORRY (which to me is a big part of attachment) I worry about how I am going to survive- emotionally, mentally, sometimes even physically. The fears about what could actually happen to my loved ones was secondary- first was always the automatic and immense stress about what I would experience- devastation, grief, loss, abandonment, guilt, failure, and so on. Actually I think when I am not practicing detachment I experience all those emotions even when I am only imagining possible futures that may never happen. My love which is very real, drowns in my reactions to fear, and for some reason without that love the structure of my life seems to crumble.
Detachment sets that love free, and although the love I feel for my loved ones is the same as it was when I was attached, the love behaves differently. I react less because I have enough faith in myself and my HP and life in general to believe I will survive what happens next. I may not like it, but letting my fears govern who I am instead of the immense love I feel for my life and those in it is truly a waste of all that is good in me. I now love people enough to let them discover for themselves who they are."
"The more I practice detachment the more in touch I am with the actual love I feel. Before recovery- loving someone had a lot of strings attached- and those strings were attached to fear. When my loved ones did things that pulled those strings- they pulled my fear- not my love. Perhaps I am more selfish than others, but I know I love my family very much. However, when I WORRY (which to me is a big part of attachment) I worry about how I am going to survive- emotionally, mentally, sometimes even physically. The fears about what could actually happen to my loved ones was secondary- first was always the automatic and immense stress about what I would experience- devastation, grief, loss, abandonment, guilt, failure, and so on. Actually I think when I am not practicing detachment I experience all those emotions even when I am only imagining possible futures that may never happen. My love which is very real, drowns in my reactions to fear, and for some reason without that love the structure of my life seems to crumble.
Detachment sets that love free, and although the love I feel for my loved ones is the same as it was when I was attached, the love behaves differently. I react less because I have enough faith in myself and my HP and life in general to believe I will survive what happens next. I may not like it, but letting my fears govern who I am instead of the immense love I feel for my life and those in it is truly a waste of all that is good in me. I now love people enough to let them discover for themselves who they are."
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i am experiencing basically is the feeling of the end. and you know when you are with someone, when you have a bad moment or day, you have that someone to go to, so i feel down, but dont have that person to turn to.
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if i let go, i feel like that promo for the movie vertigo, i just fall alone deep into the spiral.
Visualize a safe and happy landing for yourself, she's not part of it. Write it down and make it a goal. Create your own story! When you're ready, of course. I pray that it is soon
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
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Posts: 7,545
((steve))
I truly pray that some day you realize how much you truly deserve better ~ it took my over 40 years and many many heartbreaks and tears to realize that ~
I have been told several times that it's not just addicts and alcoholics that die from this disease ~ many times it is their family and loved ones that die also ~ from broken hearts and physical illnesses because we don't love ourselves enough to take care of ourselves. . .
Steve, you know what you have to do ~ you just have to be willing
recovery isn't just for those who want it - it is for those who realize it is the only chance to survive. . .
PINK HUGS,
Rita
I truly pray that some day you realize how much you truly deserve better ~ it took my over 40 years and many many heartbreaks and tears to realize that ~
I have been told several times that it's not just addicts and alcoholics that die from this disease ~ many times it is their family and loved ones that die also ~ from broken hearts and physical illnesses because we don't love ourselves enough to take care of ourselves. . .
Steve, you know what you have to do ~ you just have to be willing
recovery isn't just for those who want it - it is for those who realize it is the only chance to survive. . .
PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Originally Posted by steve1840
i am experiencing basically is the feeling of the end. and you know when you are with someone, when you have a bad moment or day, you have that someone to go to, so i feel down, but dont have that person to turn to.
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when my head is clear, i see that i should not take anything to heart while she is in active addiction. this fear of her moving on with someone else while not even really having started recovery- it is love, or is it another hostage. it has to be hostage. i only thought love was possible with me because we have such a history, like maybe there was a foundation to hold us through this. just for today, i will not make contact.
i guess i felt that i could maintain this all while she found her way into recovery. but there has been little more than a foot in the door. in reality, she's done little to go back. i just lie to myself that things are on the right track.
its just this feeling of her choosing someone else over me. that is ego i know, but anyone who has experienced it knows that crappy feeling of being left for someone else. and the thing is, so far its all in my head. it is crazy making. no other relationships were like this. how can i be so thick headed, why wont i let myself move on. this will sound likea joke, but in my younger years i was so solid. man, nothing swayed me- except the occasional bad break up. i was stoic, self assured. i fancied myself to be the outlaw josie wales. i cant imagine clint eastwood being liek this. but i guessit is comfortable. i thought i was off the roller coaster, but all it was was switching rides, things seemed so smooth between us. i knew she was using, but i saw efforts to keep it in check. but then again, she still didnt go to classes.
and the kicker is, i dont wantto hurt her feelings in any way. and i dont want her to be mad or hate me. thats childhood scars there.
but aside from the addiction, there is the fear of something else going on. might all be in my head. she could have taken something to sleep and is still cashed. i just dont get wht now call last night and it pisses me off.
i guess i felt that i could maintain this all while she found her way into recovery. but there has been little more than a foot in the door. in reality, she's done little to go back. i just lie to myself that things are on the right track.
its just this feeling of her choosing someone else over me. that is ego i know, but anyone who has experienced it knows that crappy feeling of being left for someone else. and the thing is, so far its all in my head. it is crazy making. no other relationships were like this. how can i be so thick headed, why wont i let myself move on. this will sound likea joke, but in my younger years i was so solid. man, nothing swayed me- except the occasional bad break up. i was stoic, self assured. i fancied myself to be the outlaw josie wales. i cant imagine clint eastwood being liek this. but i guessit is comfortable. i thought i was off the roller coaster, but all it was was switching rides, things seemed so smooth between us. i knew she was using, but i saw efforts to keep it in check. but then again, she still didnt go to classes.
and the kicker is, i dont wantto hurt her feelings in any way. and i dont want her to be mad or hate me. thats childhood scars there.
but aside from the addiction, there is the fear of something else going on. might all be in my head. she could have taken something to sleep and is still cashed. i just dont get wht now call last night and it pisses me off.
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And haven't you been tormenting yourself by continuing contact with her? It seems to me that your decision to still be in contact with her has drawn out the pain of wondering if she is with someone else, the torture of "what if she really gets clean this time", what if that other guy really is "just a friend"?
If I may ask a question......why do you dislike yourself and disrespect yourself so much as to do that to yourself? I can't imagine you would do the same to anyone else around you, but it seems you place yourself at the bottom of a very long line.
That's just not fair. I hope you will be able to see that soon, steve.
If I may ask a question......why do you dislike yourself and disrespect yourself so much as to do that to yourself? I can't imagine you would do the same to anyone else around you, but it seems you place yourself at the bottom of a very long line.
That's just not fair. I hope you will be able to see that soon, steve.
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hydro-
myself esteem has been a challenge my entire life. its like i have body dimorphism. as a kid i grew up with a rage-oholic and a passive mom. i lived my entire life walking on eggshells. we were a totally dysfunctional unit. there was no exchange of real love, there was an emotional abyss. i posted about this somewhere. i remember in 4th grade wanting a girl friend to take away my pain and to be someone who i could express love to. i became a victim of the hollywood images. i never adheres to that, i hung wit hthe freaks and weirdos ata time when it wasnt all that accepted. i was alway told i was wrong. there lots of stuff. but i would have long stretches of confidence and pride. even as an adult, i dont quite fit in. im ok with all that, but it does affect my self esteem. i dont make much money, i look like i could be a roadie for a washed up 70s band i have arrested development so i feel i dont have the proper things to offer someone my age. i know i am a great person, i know i am fun, kind, considerate, buti never feel i connect with anyone who not only lives outside the box, but outside the box that is outside the box. and i am sure that being stuck does nothing to help that self esteem. do you watch the simpsons? sometimes i fell like i am as lovable as teh comic book guy, just replace that with records. i was never usedto being treated well. some of the women in my relationships were fantastic and did treat me well, like a king, but eventually i put up walls. i met this girl and its been this way for on and off since.
i think a lot has to do with what i posted above in this thread about never not being without a crutch. sometimes its an introverted crutch, other times its external like pot. now it is her.
myself esteem has been a challenge my entire life. its like i have body dimorphism. as a kid i grew up with a rage-oholic and a passive mom. i lived my entire life walking on eggshells. we were a totally dysfunctional unit. there was no exchange of real love, there was an emotional abyss. i posted about this somewhere. i remember in 4th grade wanting a girl friend to take away my pain and to be someone who i could express love to. i became a victim of the hollywood images. i never adheres to that, i hung wit hthe freaks and weirdos ata time when it wasnt all that accepted. i was alway told i was wrong. there lots of stuff. but i would have long stretches of confidence and pride. even as an adult, i dont quite fit in. im ok with all that, but it does affect my self esteem. i dont make much money, i look like i could be a roadie for a washed up 70s band i have arrested development so i feel i dont have the proper things to offer someone my age. i know i am a great person, i know i am fun, kind, considerate, buti never feel i connect with anyone who not only lives outside the box, but outside the box that is outside the box. and i am sure that being stuck does nothing to help that self esteem. do you watch the simpsons? sometimes i fell like i am as lovable as teh comic book guy, just replace that with records. i was never usedto being treated well. some of the women in my relationships were fantastic and did treat me well, like a king, but eventually i put up walls. i met this girl and its been this way for on and off since.
i think a lot has to do with what i posted above in this thread about never not being without a crutch. sometimes its an introverted crutch, other times its external like pot. now it is her.
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