Good old mannipulation!

Old 12-12-2003, 05:07 PM
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Good old mannipulation!

I posted a few days ago ("Saying no and feeling good about it")
that my ex-sisyer in law invited my son to her kid's b day party tonight. Son(age 11) doesnt like girl, she berates and embarasses him at school, so he said NO WAY. I told sis in law, she made face as in "But he MUST come, he is family"....I bascially said no and felt very ok with it.Well...................

Today, MOTHER-in-Law, er, thats EX-M I L, calls, rudely, wants to speak with son. I hear him tell her 3 times "I know its her b day, but I have other plans"...She apparently was pushing a guilt trip (ie; manipulation)saying "Are your plans more IMPORTANT than your cousins b day"????? She is an adult, he is a kid!! What a witch she is. He got so frustrated, he threw phone on floor, with her still on it!!!

I pick it up, she is pissed and asks why he isnt going,,,,so, for the 4th time I say we have other plans. Apparently that just wasnt good enough of an answer for her cus she then attacks me with "Why are you trying to seperate him from our family"???? I say" Who says I am".."ME" she says. I say not true, I gave him choice of going and HE chose not to go. Now, do you think she believed me? Nahhhhhhhh, so she keeps on and on and on (She is a good candidate for On and On Anon). I was very calm, well, as calm as I could manage, ans said I have no prob with her family seeing him at all, however, I dont appreciate her manipulating him. WELL! The latin-bomshell blew up and started in again, I just wasnt going to "Emmesh" myself with her so I said goodbye and hung up.

So now, Im shaky,,I had no regrets about saying no on my son's behalf and pretty much expected a call from her, but I was still in "Slight serenity shock loss". I call sponsor right away, he says I did right thing, HOWEVER, I may not have recognized that she is affected by Alcoholism (Her son is my ex-al Hub), so therefore her bahavior is typical, and that perhaps she was in fear that she would never see her grandson again, so maybe in future I could say no to an invitation, BUT reassure her that he will definitely see her again soon.

That sounds rational, but I do find it hard to take the high road with someone who has been so hurtful to me, so controlling. After all , this issue had nothing to do with her, she is nothosting the party,,,she was just being a nosey controlling "Youd better go the party cus its the family thing to do" person. I just dont believe its healthy or right to brow beat or question an 11 yr old. People are allowed to NOT want to go to a party, right????

So basically, my TCB (Typical Codie Behavior) was showing, and I needed to get rid of shakes. Sponsor helped with that somewhat, but then called another al anon friend, and that made me feel much better. I refuse to live with guilt for saying No, so thank god Im more comfortable with reaching out to Al-friends....I dont have to have those cruddy feelings If I pick up the phone and vent. So, just like Im doing here,,thanks for "reading".
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Old 12-12-2003, 07:56 PM
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JT
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12 Step,

Have you ever explored reacting?? That sounds like what is going on here. I totally understand getting your hackles up when someone messes with your child but getting all shaky and unnerved tells me that you may need some work in that area.

By the way...your sponsor is a "him"???

Hugs,
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Old 12-12-2003, 11:09 PM
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Whenever I took contrary action, I found out why I had never taken contrary action by myself......all kinds of negative feelings flooded me.

The simple truth is that people I love don't like not getting their way. When faced with a simple, "No," they reacted. I hated the conflict, which is why I never said "No" before.

Don't worry. Not only will you get stronger in the face of conflict, but others will also come to respect you more and their own behavior will change. It works out just fine.

This is called......."boundary flack." Expect it for awhile.

You did great!
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Old 12-13-2003, 05:18 AM
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Yes, my sponsor is a HIM.
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Old 12-13-2003, 05:20 AM
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thank you 12step marce,,,,,it does feel abnormal to stand my fround, thats why I felt "Shaky". I appreciate your supportive words.

JT, yea I believe I did react,,,,didnt say did it perfectly, in past I wouldve read her the riot act, so for today, I did good.
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Old 12-13-2003, 06:44 AM
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Hey 12 step,way to go.!!!!..You took the time to try to understand where,"she" was coming from,.That she is in fear.Boundaires,,e-h?wowow,,hard one for me also.When i got the courage to finally say that word.."no",to those who expected always for me to say yes to,i then got into a phase,of trying to explaine myself.Oh,boy..lol..On and on,and on i went for my reasons of saying no.Did they understand?No,because they wanted me to say,,yes.,and i always did say yes,,until,i learned to say no.So i stoped,explaining myself.,to the point i was overwhelmed...lol..Just kept it to a few short words,being mindful,of where they were coming from,too,Showing respect for them,and then took action.,They,threw out all kinds of hurtful words towards me,,called me,names..tried to get me to believe,in what they were saying,,and not what i trully felt in my heart...etc...But i kept in mind that i personally taught these good folks how to treat me.I was a yes,,person,,and now im not.It takes time.I was so sick the first time i did this,.Shaky,almost had to go to the toliet.But i stuck with it...Looking for my part.Am i being selfish,or is this what i need to do?.Inventory of myself to be sure,,i doing this ,saying no for the right reasons.
Thanks for letting me share,,,
one day at a time...
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