convincing him its a problem
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 2
convincing him its a problem
hello all. first post here, so do forgive me if I make mistakes! I guess I just need some virtual 'shoulders' to cry on and some help/advice!
For some time now - years, in fact - my very lovely husband has been drinking in excess of half a bottle of spirits a day, every day. Sometimes more. I should point out, he never drives if he's been drinking, he doesn't get violent, he doesn't cause trouble, he just sits there in the evening, drinking steadily, every evening. Conversations come to an end after his second drink. He slurs, he's repetitive and can't follow a train of thought.
Now, I know that half a bottle a day on the scale of some of the battles that some of you have fought (and gloriously won!) seems little, but I believe he is alcohol dependant. Am I over-reacting? Does he have a problem? I believe that drinking that level of spirits every day will damage his health, but am I right? Should I be asking him to stop drinking?
Please, all your advice would be welcome. I've raised the subject before, but he clearly thinks I'm being hysterical - perhaps I am?
Thanks for reading this!
For some time now - years, in fact - my very lovely husband has been drinking in excess of half a bottle of spirits a day, every day. Sometimes more. I should point out, he never drives if he's been drinking, he doesn't get violent, he doesn't cause trouble, he just sits there in the evening, drinking steadily, every evening. Conversations come to an end after his second drink. He slurs, he's repetitive and can't follow a train of thought.
Now, I know that half a bottle a day on the scale of some of the battles that some of you have fought (and gloriously won!) seems little, but I believe he is alcohol dependant. Am I over-reacting? Does he have a problem? I believe that drinking that level of spirits every day will damage his health, but am I right? Should I be asking him to stop drinking?
Please, all your advice would be welcome. I've raised the subject before, but he clearly thinks I'm being hysterical - perhaps I am?
Thanks for reading this!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. Please feel free to read and post as much as needed. We understand and we are here to support you.
Somedays, it just helps to come here and post a vent of frustration over living with alcoholism.
One of the first things that helped me understand my husbands alcoholism, was the three C's of alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
When I finally accepted that info, I was able to give the problem with alcoholism to the adult with the issue. I was able to stop focusing on him and start taking care of myself. I had become so focused on him, that I lost contact with myself. I was becoming someone I did not recognize.
It didn't mean I loved him less, it just meant that I was ready to accept that I was powerless over alcohol and my life was becoming unmanageable.
Reading and posting here at SR helped me, as well as attending Alanon meetings. I also found good information in reading self-improvement books like "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
Some of our stories are posted in the Stickies (older, permanent posts) at the top of the forum page. Here is one of my favorites that helped me while living with alcoholism in my home:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. Please feel free to read and post as much as needed. We understand and we are here to support you.
Somedays, it just helps to come here and post a vent of frustration over living with alcoholism.
One of the first things that helped me understand my husbands alcoholism, was the three C's of alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
When I finally accepted that info, I was able to give the problem with alcoholism to the adult with the issue. I was able to stop focusing on him and start taking care of myself. I had become so focused on him, that I lost contact with myself. I was becoming someone I did not recognize.
It didn't mean I loved him less, it just meant that I was ready to accept that I was powerless over alcohol and my life was becoming unmanageable.
Reading and posting here at SR helped me, as well as attending Alanon meetings. I also found good information in reading self-improvement books like "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
Some of our stories are posted in the Stickies (older, permanent posts) at the top of the forum page. Here is one of my favorites that helped me while living with alcoholism in my home:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,848
Whether or not alcohol is a problem for him, it is obviously a problem for you. Taking care of yourself is all you can do. You have no control over whether he drinks or not, which I'm sure you already know. It sounds like you have mentioned your concerns to him in the past and he's ignored them. So, you have your answer as to what he plans to do. Nothing.
Have you considered attending al-anon meetings? The face-to-face support from others who are dealing with the same thing you are can be a great help. You will learn to detach from his actions and focus on taking care of yourself. Posting and reading here is also a great help, but face-to-face support can be invaluable.
Have you considered attending al-anon meetings? The face-to-face support from others who are dealing with the same thing you are can be a great help. You will learn to detach from his actions and focus on taking care of yourself. Posting and reading here is also a great help, but face-to-face support can be invaluable.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Your situation could be mine. My AH is a good guy who never got drunk, never went to a bar, only sat at night and drank until he was pretty well medicated.
I asked myself the same questions, "Is it a problem?" "Am I crazy?" "Am I imagining things?" "Am I uptight?" "Does everyone live like this?"
I finally realized by educating myself that it IS a problem if I am having a problem with it. My AH does not believe he has a problem, that the problem is mine. We are now separated and have an amicable relationship, but he still drinks. Alcoholism is so crazy-making.
My best advice to you is learn all you can about alcoholism, attend Al Anon, keep reading here on SR, read, read, read. "Under The Influence" by Milam and "Codependent No More" were extremely helpful for me. Once I got my head screw on straight about what I was dealing with, I was able to process it, grieve, then make plans. Good luck.
I asked myself the same questions, "Is it a problem?" "Am I crazy?" "Am I imagining things?" "Am I uptight?" "Does everyone live like this?"
I finally realized by educating myself that it IS a problem if I am having a problem with it. My AH does not believe he has a problem, that the problem is mine. We are now separated and have an amicable relationship, but he still drinks. Alcoholism is so crazy-making.
My best advice to you is learn all you can about alcoholism, attend Al Anon, keep reading here on SR, read, read, read. "Under The Influence" by Milam and "Codependent No More" were extremely helpful for me. Once I got my head screw on straight about what I was dealing with, I was able to process it, grieve, then make plans. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Welcome, glad you are here.
If his drinking causes you heartache it's a problem. I don't know if it is affecting his body (always the exceptions, grandma drank a fifth of whiskey and smoked 8 packs of cigarettes a day and lived to 120, etc.), but it certainly affects the liver and kidneys of the average person.
Please consider counseling and al-anon they helped me immensely.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
If his drinking causes you heartache it's a problem. I don't know if it is affecting his body (always the exceptions, grandma drank a fifth of whiskey and smoked 8 packs of cigarettes a day and lived to 120, etc.), but it certainly affects the liver and kidneys of the average person.
Please consider counseling and al-anon they helped me immensely.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 36
Hi Tartine Doll,
I feel like I'm in the same boat as you, but the more I've read up on alcoholism, the more I am lead to believe that I am not the crazy one...although it is REALLY hard to get around those doubts, especially since my husband is an expert debater at this point. He makes me feel like I am the one with the problem, and has from the very beginning.
Honestly though, if my husband treated me in the way I feel I deserve, with respect and love, without condescension or mocking, if we could talk like two adults instead of him treating me like i'm a stupid kid, if he even treated me as well as he treats complete strangers or colleagues at work, then I could care less if he drank or not. Of course I would worry about his health, but I would feel good about the fact that he loved me as much as he did. But he doesn't. He treats me like crap and he doesn't even realize it, and it has gotten worse over time. We used to be able to have great conversations together...now we mostly argue.
In conclusion...you aren't crazy. If you have any doubts, read up on the disease and bide your time a little bit...time can tell a lot of things. Of course, I would suggest joining a support group at the same time, like Alanon. You might not realize it, but you are probably being effected more deeply than you realize by his addiction. It has taken me years to 'wake up'.
CJ
I feel like I'm in the same boat as you, but the more I've read up on alcoholism, the more I am lead to believe that I am not the crazy one...although it is REALLY hard to get around those doubts, especially since my husband is an expert debater at this point. He makes me feel like I am the one with the problem, and has from the very beginning.
Honestly though, if my husband treated me in the way I feel I deserve, with respect and love, without condescension or mocking, if we could talk like two adults instead of him treating me like i'm a stupid kid, if he even treated me as well as he treats complete strangers or colleagues at work, then I could care less if he drank or not. Of course I would worry about his health, but I would feel good about the fact that he loved me as much as he did. But he doesn't. He treats me like crap and he doesn't even realize it, and it has gotten worse over time. We used to be able to have great conversations together...now we mostly argue.
In conclusion...you aren't crazy. If you have any doubts, read up on the disease and bide your time a little bit...time can tell a lot of things. Of course, I would suggest joining a support group at the same time, like Alanon. You might not realize it, but you are probably being effected more deeply than you realize by his addiction. It has taken me years to 'wake up'.
CJ
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 23
Welcome CJ. Sorry you're going through this. I'm new here as well, so I usually wait for someone who knows what they are talking about more than me respond first. Your post just resonated with me because it is just like my story.
My bf (who is currently a recovering alcoholic) was just like your husband. He would go home after work, drink his liquor while watching TV/playing video games/browsing the web. We have a long distance relationship, so at the time we only saw eachother on the weekends. He never drove after drinking, never raised his voice at me, never hit me, he didn't let it interfere with his job. So whenever I would voice my concerns, he would say-I don't do anything wrong. I don't drink and drive, I stay home, we just relax. However, he didn't realize how he stumbled around in the middle of the afternoon, how I knew that he snuck drinks from his bottle of whiskey while I was in the bathroom, how it was annoying as *#@% to me to have to drive EVERYWHERE when we were together and he didn't realize that although he didn't treat me badly, he didn't treat me nearly as well as he had the ability to. They're just excuses that he's using to validate his behavior. So, to answer your question, in my experience-yes, he does have a problem with alcohol. In my case I ended up leaving him-easy since we were just dating, had no children-and I cut off all communcation with him. From friends and his family, I did discover that things got much, much worse. Detox, relapse, detox, losing his job, treatment, and currently recovery. Now that he is sober, we have reconnected and restarted our relationship, but I'm just taking it one day at a time.
Sorry for the book, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry and I understand. You're going to have some tough decisions to make-the best decisions are never easy-but you'll find good support here.
My bf (who is currently a recovering alcoholic) was just like your husband. He would go home after work, drink his liquor while watching TV/playing video games/browsing the web. We have a long distance relationship, so at the time we only saw eachother on the weekends. He never drove after drinking, never raised his voice at me, never hit me, he didn't let it interfere with his job. So whenever I would voice my concerns, he would say-I don't do anything wrong. I don't drink and drive, I stay home, we just relax. However, he didn't realize how he stumbled around in the middle of the afternoon, how I knew that he snuck drinks from his bottle of whiskey while I was in the bathroom, how it was annoying as *#@% to me to have to drive EVERYWHERE when we were together and he didn't realize that although he didn't treat me badly, he didn't treat me nearly as well as he had the ability to. They're just excuses that he's using to validate his behavior. So, to answer your question, in my experience-yes, he does have a problem with alcohol. In my case I ended up leaving him-easy since we were just dating, had no children-and I cut off all communcation with him. From friends and his family, I did discover that things got much, much worse. Detox, relapse, detox, losing his job, treatment, and currently recovery. Now that he is sober, we have reconnected and restarted our relationship, but I'm just taking it one day at a time.
Sorry for the book, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry and I understand. You're going to have some tough decisions to make-the best decisions are never easy-but you'll find good support here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Originally Posted by tartinedolly 
Now, I know that half a bottle a day on the scale of some of the battles that some of you have fought (and gloriously won!) seems little, but I believe he is alcohol dependant. Am I over-reacting? Does he have a problem? I believe that drinking that level of spirits every day will damage his health, but am I right? Should I be asking him to stop drinking?
You're not over reacting.
I'd say he does have a problem.
It can damage his health.
You can ask him to stop, but it is not really likely he will.
Because it doesn't work that way. In order to stop, he has to want it himself, and you can not make him want it no matter what strategy you choose to get that result.
As others have said: you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
The only thing you can do is decide what you can live with and what you can't live with. What is acceptable for you and what is not. The only help you can give to your AH is let him take responisibility for his own actions.
I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be smart, but it is really this simple, unfortunatelly.
Saying all this, I'd like to add SR has been a life saver for me, there is a lot of knowledge and wisdom here, so I highly recomend you stick around.
Welcome
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 25
My guess would be that it IS a problem, though only he knows for sure. In my experience, it will likely progress. The driving thing is good for now (phew) but for my husband, he eventually DID start drinking and driving, b/c he always underestimated how much beer he would "need" in an evening. UGH.
Best wishes to you as you travel this road. Take care of yourself.
L.
Best wishes to you as you travel this road. Take care of yourself.
L.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
tartinedolly, ((((hugs))))
What I have found from experience. Prepare your speech, practice it, then go out side and deliver it to the first tree you see. It will have pretty much the exact same effect except the tree won't get mad.
His drinking is his issue, so you might as well put it down and start working on yourself.
Your friend,
What I have found from experience. Prepare your speech, practice it, then go out side and deliver it to the first tree you see. It will have pretty much the exact same effect except the tree won't get mad.
His drinking is his issue, so you might as well put it down and start working on yourself.
Your friend,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 2
hi everyone, I tried to thank you all, but I suspect I messed up - me and techno are a bad mix!
There is so much comfort and advice here, I hardly know where to start - although I did go and talk to a tree. You were right, it didn't get mad. In fact, t behaved like him - it ignored me! What he just does is do that kinda 'well, well, well, here we are again' smile, and just carry on... He takes passive-aggressive to an art form!
Thank you all for your word of kindness and practicality. I'm not alone. That means a lot.
Thank you.
There is so much comfort and advice here, I hardly know where to start - although I did go and talk to a tree. You were right, it didn't get mad. In fact, t behaved like him - it ignored me! What he just does is do that kinda 'well, well, well, here we are again' smile, and just carry on... He takes passive-aggressive to an art form!
Thank you all for your word of kindness and practicality. I'm not alone. That means a lot.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Someone posted here (or had a tag line) that questions are what we ask when we already know the answer...or something to that effect. I assume you already know the answer to your questions above, and maybe the real question floating around in your mind is what the heck do you do now?
I would highly recommend educating yourself on alcoholism and attending some Al-Anon meetings before trying to talk to him about this or making any drastic decisions. There are many good books on the topic and knowledge is empowering!
And keep coming back here, reading and posting. Don't hesitate to read posts in the alcoholics forum - another place to be enlightened and encouraged.
Stay strong!
~T
I would highly recommend educating yourself on alcoholism and attending some Al-Anon meetings before trying to talk to him about this or making any drastic decisions. There are many good books on the topic and knowledge is empowering!
And keep coming back here, reading and posting. Don't hesitate to read posts in the alcoholics forum - another place to be enlightened and encouraged.
Stay strong!
~T
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 54
[QUOTE=tartinedolly;3231703]He takes passive-aggressive to an art form!
QUOTE]
Oh boy do i know about that! There's a lot of great articles if you google 'passive-aggressive husband' that I have found brought me a lot of clarity in trying to figure out why our communication was about the same as me banging my head against the wall! (Actually I think banging my head against the wall would feel more productive!)
QUOTE]
Oh boy do i know about that! There's a lot of great articles if you google 'passive-aggressive husband' that I have found brought me a lot of clarity in trying to figure out why our communication was about the same as me banging my head against the wall! (Actually I think banging my head against the wall would feel more productive!)
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