My husband doesn't think I have a problem
My husband doesn't think I have a problem
I recently started seeing a therapist because of my depression. I have suffered from depression and been treated for it off and on since my teen years. I also talked about how I have been taking vicodin a few times a week and about my weekend drunk binges. I have always been a binge drinker, and drink maybe 1 or 2 times a week. I tend to blackout and often make an ass of myself. I told my husband last night that my therapist thinks I have a problem and need to stop drinking. He said that was crazy. Hubby said you just can't handle your liquor. I said that is the same thing! He said I just need to drink slower, etc. I told him that if I could I would have been doing that alll along! I am pissed at my husband, confused by my therapist, and feel stuck in the middle. I don't know what to do. I do know that for days after a binge I feel guilty, depressed, horrible, etc. I am feeling very alone, and the one person who I thought I could talk to says I am fine and doesn't want to listen.
I can relate. My wife and a few of my close friends don't completely believe that I have a problem. Despite the fact that I've taken most of my drunken rage and stupidity out on them. Weird huh?
But what matters most in this process is you. Do YOU believe you have a problem with alcohol? It's nice that you and your husband can talk about these issues, and he can be an inspiration to you in quitting, but he can not live your life for you.
I think you are on the right path of enlightenment and self-discovery. Why not see where it leads?
Oops, and above all else...WELCOME!
But what matters most in this process is you. Do YOU believe you have a problem with alcohol? It's nice that you and your husband can talk about these issues, and he can be an inspiration to you in quitting, but he can not live your life for you.
I think you are on the right path of enlightenment and self-discovery. Why not see where it leads?
Oops, and above all else...WELCOME!
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 609
It can be difficult for others to understand, they tend to look at the alcoholic and think why can't they just slow down or have fewer? Problem fixed. Unfortunately not that simple for those of us with the condition.
I think that also, family members and close ones can sometimes be in their own form of denial when someone they know has an addiction. Your recovery is your personal journey, that is what I chose to focus on.
I think that also, family members and close ones can sometimes be in their own form of denial when someone they know has an addiction. Your recovery is your personal journey, that is what I chose to focus on.
I can relate too. I have to talk my husband into believing I have a problem. And like WantToHeal says, a lot of the problems between us has been because of my drinking! What that shows me is that, I've been leading a double life. He really has no idea how much I have been drinking and that's part of the whole problem. I shouldn't have to be a master at disguising what and how much I'm drinking. I realized that it's my problem, and with or without him, I need to take care of myself.
My husband sees alcoholics as daily drinkers who lose their jobs and can't handle life. I told him it doesn't always look like that, but he doesn't believe me. I told him he was just burying his head in the sand. I have done and said horrible things when drunk, and he has been around that...why would he want me to continue like that? I have never felt more alone.
aeo: Pick up some books that talk about high-functioning alcoholics. I talked about this earlier on another post - it's a personal struggle of mine. Because I'm not falling down, passing out on the ground, losing my job and home, some people say I don't have a problem. It's hard to convince others I have a problem. So I quit doing that. Only my husband and people on this forum know I have quit drinking. I'm not bothering to try to convince my family or friends. For them, I just say, oh I quit - too many calories, or I just say I quit - with no explanation. It was too tiring for me to explain so I decided I'd work on myself instead and reap those benefits.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
Per4haps your husband doesn't want you to stop drinking totally because the time you spend together on the weekends involves both of you having a few drinks and he does not want to let that go.
I don't know if this is the case for you but it may be something to mull over.
Be true to yourself and do what is right for you.
Good luck.
I don't know if this is the case for you but it may be something to mull over.
Be true to yourself and do what is right for you.
Good luck.
My husband sees alcoholics as daily drinkers who lose their jobs and can't handle life. I told him it doesn't always look like that, but he doesn't believe me. I told him he was just burying his head in the sand. I have done and said horrible things when drunk, and he has been around that...why would he want me to continue like that? I have never felt more alone.
There are many times I can have 1 drink and therefore he says I am fine, that a problem drinker couldn't do that. What about the million other times I get wasted and wake up with bruises from falling, or go into the backyard naked, etc. What if my kids had seen that?? On thanksgiving I passed out at the table and everyone just laughs about it. Inside it wasn't very funny. My kids saw me passed out at a family dinner. Yikes. Yes, I can have 1 drink easily, but as soon as I feel buzzed I don't stop.
Per4haps your husband doesn't want you to stop drinking totally because the time you spend together on the weekends involves both of you having a few drinks and he does not want to let that go.
I don't know if this is the case for you but it may be something to mull over.
Be true to yourself and do what is right for you.
Good luck.
I don't know if this is the case for you but it may be something to mull over.
Be true to yourself and do what is right for you.
Good luck.
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
That makes things tough for everyone.
He probably thinks that it is worth putting up with some minor annoyances instead of losing his drinking buddy.
You are caught between a rock and a hard place but you have to do what your heart tells you is right for you and your children.
This is probably something you should discuss with your therapist.
He probably thinks that it is worth putting up with some minor annoyances instead of losing his drinking buddy.
You are caught between a rock and a hard place but you have to do what your heart tells you is right for you and your children.
This is probably something you should discuss with your therapist.
A fair amount of ppl didn't think I had an alcoholic problem either. They'd tell me to tone it down...slow it down.....drink a little less......that's all I needed to do. Just goes to show, we alkies are great liars, we're great actors, great manipulators and we can convince ppl to think all sorts of erroneous things about us.
On the other hand, your hubby may have no idea what alcoholism is - hell, I HAD it and I didn't know what it was. lol
Your sobriety is NOT......I repeat......IS NOT contingent upon support from your husband. Sure, support is great....it FEELS wonderful.....but haven't you, like me, had support that didn't really do anything to solve the problem before?
I'm in AA. Lots of ppl in AA have spouses and/or kids who are in Alanon or alateen. For many though, their spouses don't do that stuff. (My sponsor, for example - his wife says, "It's YOUR problem....YOU go fix it.") Plenty of recovered alkies have an alcoholic spouse at home.....actively drinking....day in and day out. Then there are ppl like me who aren't married (anymore) and don't have a built in support person close to them at all times.
"Support" is a part of AA.......just a part, but a part none the less. One alcoholic, working with another...helping his/her fellow man/woman.
Reality is that MOST ppl will never really understand alcoholism. They have no need to and no desire to....and that's OK. I don't know all about paleontology for the same reasons - no need / no desire.
Alcoholics tend to be a self-centered bunch though. I know for most of us we want to drag everyone around us into our recovery. We think we need them to get involved in it, to learn about it, to help us.
From what I've experienced and what I've seen in others.....that's simply not a true need. It's maybe a want...but not a need. My recovery and that of millions of recovering/recovered alcoholics around the world is totally dependent upon the actions we, the alkies, take ourselves. And that's good news......you don't HAVE to depend upon another person to get/keep you sober. (you may, like me, need some help, some direction and some additional power.......and that's an area AA can help).
On the other hand, your hubby may have no idea what alcoholism is - hell, I HAD it and I didn't know what it was. lol
Your sobriety is NOT......I repeat......IS NOT contingent upon support from your husband. Sure, support is great....it FEELS wonderful.....but haven't you, like me, had support that didn't really do anything to solve the problem before?
I'm in AA. Lots of ppl in AA have spouses and/or kids who are in Alanon or alateen. For many though, their spouses don't do that stuff. (My sponsor, for example - his wife says, "It's YOUR problem....YOU go fix it.") Plenty of recovered alkies have an alcoholic spouse at home.....actively drinking....day in and day out. Then there are ppl like me who aren't married (anymore) and don't have a built in support person close to them at all times.
"Support" is a part of AA.......just a part, but a part none the less. One alcoholic, working with another...helping his/her fellow man/woman.
Reality is that MOST ppl will never really understand alcoholism. They have no need to and no desire to....and that's OK. I don't know all about paleontology for the same reasons - no need / no desire.
Alcoholics tend to be a self-centered bunch though. I know for most of us we want to drag everyone around us into our recovery. We think we need them to get involved in it, to learn about it, to help us.
From what I've experienced and what I've seen in others.....that's simply not a true need. It's maybe a want...but not a need. My recovery and that of millions of recovering/recovered alcoholics around the world is totally dependent upon the actions we, the alkies, take ourselves. And that's good news......you don't HAVE to depend upon another person to get/keep you sober. (you may, like me, need some help, some direction and some additional power.......and that's an area AA can help).
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 617
Welcome! You're not alone - you've now joined the SR family and it's awesome!! Continue to post here and you'll receive wonderful support.
My husband doesn't seem to think that I need to quit drinking either. (*I do* - Believe me!) He still drinks and seems continually surprised when yet another week passes by and I don't drink. Maybe my DH is bummed that he is losing his drinking buddy? I don't really know. I do know that I need to be sober, so that is what I'm doing. In general, I don't discuss my sobriety with him (aside from an occassional comment about how great I feel these days) - I'm just sober now and our life continues on. When I need support for my sobriety or just to vent/discuss etc... I log onto SR.
Although....sometimes I think he is starting to *like* my being sober....I may not be a "fun" drinking partner anymore, but our family life is getting much better, even, serene etc... My depression is slowly lifting and my mood improving. When Mom is good - the whole house is good....so the saying goes LOL.
Best wishes to you on your journey. If you think you have a problem with alcohol then it is worth your time and trouble to quit for a while (at least 30 days - maybe more) and see how your life improves
Make sure to let us know how you're doing!
My husband doesn't seem to think that I need to quit drinking either. (*I do* - Believe me!) He still drinks and seems continually surprised when yet another week passes by and I don't drink. Maybe my DH is bummed that he is losing his drinking buddy? I don't really know. I do know that I need to be sober, so that is what I'm doing. In general, I don't discuss my sobriety with him (aside from an occassional comment about how great I feel these days) - I'm just sober now and our life continues on. When I need support for my sobriety or just to vent/discuss etc... I log onto SR.
Although....sometimes I think he is starting to *like* my being sober....I may not be a "fun" drinking partner anymore, but our family life is getting much better, even, serene etc... My depression is slowly lifting and my mood improving. When Mom is good - the whole house is good....so the saying goes LOL.
Best wishes to you on your journey. If you think you have a problem with alcohol then it is worth your time and trouble to quit for a while (at least 30 days - maybe more) and see how your life improves
Make sure to let us know how you're doing!
Everyone seems to think see a doctor, not sure why. I would love to get some valium or something to get me thru the weekends but theres not a doctor left in this county who will give me anything that can be abused as through the years she has let them know what I do with pills. I have schedualed an appointment with a therapist to help me make a plan. This is all so frustrating cause I know after all the blah blah blah its gonna come down to me gritting my teeth and just not doing it. When I was 45 I tried real hard to quit smoking, thats when I found out how addicted I was. So I reset me goal to stop when I was fifty hoping to taper down and make it easy. I did just the opposite. My 49 year I smoked as much as was humanly possible. I did quit though. Just thinking about stopping drinking is doing the same thing to me. I never drink during the week but have been hitting the bottle daily since making the appointment. I ramble to much.
Welcome! You're not alone - you've now joined the SR family and it's awesome!! Continue to post here and you'll receive wonderful support.
My husband doesn't seem to think that I need to quit drinking either. (*I do* - Believe me!) He still drinks and seems continually surprised when yet another week passes by and I don't drink. Maybe my DH is bummed that he is losing his drinking buddy? I don't really know. I do know that I need to be sober, so that is what I'm doing. In general, I don't discuss my sobriety with him (aside from an occassional comment about how great I feel these days) - I'm just sober now and our life continues on. When I need support for my sobriety or just to vent/discuss etc... I log onto SR.
Although....sometimes I think he is starting to *like* my being sober....I may not be a "fun" drinking partner anymore, but our family life is getting much better, even, serene etc... My depression is slowly lifting and my mood improving. When Mom is good - the whole house is good....so the saying goes LOL.
Best wishes to you on your journey. If you think you have a problem with alcohol then it is worth your time and trouble to quit for a while (at least 30 days - maybe more) and see how your life improves
Make sure to let us know how you're doing!
My husband doesn't seem to think that I need to quit drinking either. (*I do* - Believe me!) He still drinks and seems continually surprised when yet another week passes by and I don't drink. Maybe my DH is bummed that he is losing his drinking buddy? I don't really know. I do know that I need to be sober, so that is what I'm doing. In general, I don't discuss my sobriety with him (aside from an occassional comment about how great I feel these days) - I'm just sober now and our life continues on. When I need support for my sobriety or just to vent/discuss etc... I log onto SR.
Although....sometimes I think he is starting to *like* my being sober....I may not be a "fun" drinking partner anymore, but our family life is getting much better, even, serene etc... My depression is slowly lifting and my mood improving. When Mom is good - the whole house is good....so the saying goes LOL.
Best wishes to you on your journey. If you think you have a problem with alcohol then it is worth your time and trouble to quit for a while (at least 30 days - maybe more) and see how your life improves
Make sure to let us know how you're doing!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Alaska
Posts: 1,458
Welcome to SR ae01313!!
Like all the others here said, you know you have a problem so do not let the others around you convince you that you don't.
Luckily enough, my hubby saw somewhat of how much I drank (I say somewhat because he didn't always fully see how much I drank. I hid a lot!) so now that I'm in recovery he is fully supporting me 100%.
Just keep coming here. It really helps!
Like all the others here said, you know you have a problem so do not let the others around you convince you that you don't.
Luckily enough, my hubby saw somewhat of how much I drank (I say somewhat because he didn't always fully see how much I drank. I hid a lot!) so now that I'm in recovery he is fully supporting me 100%.
Just keep coming here. It really helps!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 617
Make sure to keep coming back to SR to visit your sober friends
Best wishes!! 2012 is going to be a great year for you!!
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