I there really any hope
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Red Bank
Posts: 78
I there really any hope
I'm feeling really down today. Is there really any hope for a life even if my AS gets clean and sober?
He owes so much money, collection agencies are after him.
He has no Job. Will anyone ever hire him - 0 credit rating, arrest record.
He has nowhere to live - he's living with friends now, but who knows how long that will last.
Even if he got a job he wouldn't make enough money to support himself and I don't know who would rent to him with his credit rating and record.
Like I said I am just feeling hopeless today. any success stories out there?
He owes so much money, collection agencies are after him.
He has no Job. Will anyone ever hire him - 0 credit rating, arrest record.
He has nowhere to live - he's living with friends now, but who knows how long that will last.
Even if he got a job he wouldn't make enough money to support himself and I don't know who would rent to him with his credit rating and record.
Like I said I am just feeling hopeless today. any success stories out there?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: In the South
Posts: 228
Pommie, I feel like I'm in the same boat and it's sinking. When my phone rings and I see it's my AS on the caller ID, my stomach instantly goes into a knot because I know he's going to be badgering me for money. He's 26 years old, no job, hasn't worked in years, but has managed to get tattoos all over himself - in visible places like his neck, hands, and even on his head, thus further ensuring he won't get a decent paying job. Days like this I just feel so very tired of it all.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
there is hope... never give up. my son is serving a 7yr. sentence & will b 42 when he gets out. i ask my self that some times & i always come back with"where there is a will, there is a way." have the faith that your sons will go to meetings. meetings are where the ole timers are & they have been where your sons are. an addict can find someone who will hire them at a meeting & lots of times a place to stay. there is always 1/2 houses. it is up to our sons to find these things for themselves. it takes time & work but they can do it if they want it bad enough. work your recovery & let go & let God. prayers for your son & mine.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
He is living his life as he sees fit.
You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this.
Please consider getting some counseling to learn how to disengage your emotional stability and from your son's choices. Back when, my own survival depended on it.
You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this.
Please consider getting some counseling to learn how to disengage your emotional stability and from your son's choices. Back when, my own survival depended on it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
My son is 21. He is 6+ months clean. He has just moved from a Sober Living Environment (SLE) into a house with one of his friends from AA. He has a decent job as a server and is working to repair damage done to his credit.
When he graduated high school in 2008 he had it all going for him. He'd just won 2 state championship rings in football, was 6th in state in wrestling, earned an academic scholarship to any AZ school, and was dating the prom queen. Because of the progression from pot to oxys to smoking heroin, the scholarship was gone by age 19. During several periods of sobriety and relapses he blew up his credit, lost several very good jobs and just about ended up in jail (18months probation). He was asked to leave our home several times.
The only thing we ever did for him, rehab wise, was pay for an outpatient treatment through Banner. It was there that he was introduced to the 12 steps. Even though he's relapsed a few times since then, the recovery skills he learned there have, I believe, saved his life. That's where he goes and those are the people he calls when he "bottoms" out.
For now, he's in a good place in his life and in his head. Who knows what the future will bring? I've learned alot here. Anyways, there is hope.
When he graduated high school in 2008 he had it all going for him. He'd just won 2 state championship rings in football, was 6th in state in wrestling, earned an academic scholarship to any AZ school, and was dating the prom queen. Because of the progression from pot to oxys to smoking heroin, the scholarship was gone by age 19. During several periods of sobriety and relapses he blew up his credit, lost several very good jobs and just about ended up in jail (18months probation). He was asked to leave our home several times.
The only thing we ever did for him, rehab wise, was pay for an outpatient treatment through Banner. It was there that he was introduced to the 12 steps. Even though he's relapsed a few times since then, the recovery skills he learned there have, I believe, saved his life. That's where he goes and those are the people he calls when he "bottoms" out.
For now, he's in a good place in his life and in his head. Who knows what the future will bring? I've learned alot here. Anyways, there is hope.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
thank you for those encouraging words Beavs Dad. I think it gives us all who are in the same boat a lot of HOPE! Your story sounds so much like mine it hurts. Bright kid, lots of potential, throw it away for drugs. Now 21 and rebuilding and finding his own way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Red Bank
Posts: 78
Thank you all for your comforting words. I am so glad I found this place.
I just got back from my mother's where he used to live and she had his mail stacked up. It included seven letters from the parkway authority meaning he went thru the tolls seven times without paying. Also there was a letter from the DMV which probably means he doesn't have a driver's license anymore because he hasn't paid his court fines.
This is hard to deal with but next week I am going to a Nar-Anon meeting to learn how to live with this stuff.
I just got back from my mother's where he used to live and she had his mail stacked up. It included seven letters from the parkway authority meaning he went thru the tolls seven times without paying. Also there was a letter from the DMV which probably means he doesn't have a driver's license anymore because he hasn't paid his court fines.
This is hard to deal with but next week I am going to a Nar-Anon meeting to learn how to live with this stuff.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Red Bank
Posts: 78
Thank you all for your comforting words. I am so glad I found this place.
I just got back from my mother's where he used to live and she had his mail stacked up. It included seven letters from the parkway authority meaning he went thru the tolls seven times without paying. Also there was a letter from the DMV which probably means he doesn't have a driver's license anymore because he hasn't paid his court fines.
This is hard to deal with but next week I am going to a Nar-Anon meeting to learn how to live with this stuff.
I just got back from my mother's where he used to live and she had his mail stacked up. It included seven letters from the parkway authority meaning he went thru the tolls seven times without paying. Also there was a letter from the DMV which probably means he doesn't have a driver's license anymore because he hasn't paid his court fines.
This is hard to deal with but next week I am going to a Nar-Anon meeting to learn how to live with this stuff.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by hope213 
it is up to our sons to find these things for themselves.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I have a daughter who will be 34 this month. She just got out of jail for the umpteenth time, a few days before Christmas.
It's been the same pattern with her for 16 years now. She hasn't had a job since she was 17. I've lost count of how many years she's been on probation now. She's a convicted felon. She's morbidly obese and already has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease from smoking pot and cigarettes for over a decade. She moves from place to place as people just can't deal with her for long.
I don't hold out hope for her. That's an emotion based on the "potential" outcome of future events, and that's just not how I operate. Instead, I have faith, faith that her higher power has a plan for her, just as he has had for me, and I don't get in the way of those plans.
I am no longer consumed by her addiction. I no longer lose sleep over it, obsess over it, worry over it. It is what it is, and she makes her own choices as an adult.
I have my own life to live, as she does hers.
Thank God for the program of Alanon and those who have shown me the way to a better life for myself.
It's been the same pattern with her for 16 years now. She hasn't had a job since she was 17. I've lost count of how many years she's been on probation now. She's a convicted felon. She's morbidly obese and already has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease from smoking pot and cigarettes for over a decade. She moves from place to place as people just can't deal with her for long.
I don't hold out hope for her. That's an emotion based on the "potential" outcome of future events, and that's just not how I operate. Instead, I have faith, faith that her higher power has a plan for her, just as he has had for me, and I don't get in the way of those plans.
I am no longer consumed by her addiction. I no longer lose sleep over it, obsess over it, worry over it. It is what it is, and she makes her own choices as an adult.
I have my own life to live, as she does hers.
Thank God for the program of Alanon and those who have shown me the way to a better life for myself.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Hi Pommie
The same, I related to most of the stories here. All we want is good for our kids and I bent over backwards trying to fix my son.
A long time of give, give, my 'lightbulb' moment happened like this.
My son had years of alcohol and drugs, no job, no money etc etc. He came good, got a great job, lovely girlfriend and a place to call home. He'd been driving around a beat up car that scared me, (you know dangerous), so I was trading up on my car for another one. Decided to give him my car, he was so grateful. When it was time to register the car, the papers came back to me. I called him and he said he wasnt able to register the car due to court fines he owed?? After asking a few questions he started swearing, yelling abuse to me.
then I got a text from him "I didnt ask for the car, dont worry about it, Ive registered the car in girlfriends name"
That was it for me, end of discussion. Dont know what happened but the 'click,' happened and the turn off button went completely off. I havent thought about helping him since.
Make any sense?
The same, I related to most of the stories here. All we want is good for our kids and I bent over backwards trying to fix my son.
A long time of give, give, my 'lightbulb' moment happened like this.
My son had years of alcohol and drugs, no job, no money etc etc. He came good, got a great job, lovely girlfriend and a place to call home. He'd been driving around a beat up car that scared me, (you know dangerous), so I was trading up on my car for another one. Decided to give him my car, he was so grateful. When it was time to register the car, the papers came back to me. I called him and he said he wasnt able to register the car due to court fines he owed?? After asking a few questions he started swearing, yelling abuse to me.
then I got a text from him "I didnt ask for the car, dont worry about it, Ive registered the car in girlfriends name"
That was it for me, end of discussion. Dont know what happened but the 'click,' happened and the turn off button went completely off. I havent thought about helping him since.
Make any sense?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Red Bank
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by anvilhead
Pommie...your son is 34 years old. this is how HE chooses to live HIS life. some people are quite content not to have a pot to **** in, live "off the grid" so to speak, float in a world with no responsibilities or more likely IGNORED responsibilities, in vagrancy. they live their lives with minimal output, minimal effort, with no desire to strive or achieve or garner anything remotely resembling success.
it's only SAD when we color our concept of what their lives should look like with our own expectations. my BIL is currently in prison...he's in his 40's and is a complete disaster as a grown up. he's actually thriving in the penal system because of it's structure - they tell him when to get up, what to wear, when to eat, what to do, when to go to bed. trust me the man is not dumb, but he's clueless and seems to lack any sort of drive or initiative or staying power. left to his own devices, he finds trouble on his way to stupid. he's not gonna wake up tomorrow and be the next Bill Gates or Thomas Edison - and i would hazard a guess that even when he does get out, he'll flounder and sadly probably end up drinking again and doing dope. i'd love to believe differently......all we can do is wish him the best and be glad he won't be allowed to leave the state of Wisconsin for a lonnnngggg time!
it's only SAD when we color our concept of what their lives should look like with our own expectations. my BIL is currently in prison...he's in his 40's and is a complete disaster as a grown up. he's actually thriving in the penal system because of it's structure - they tell him when to get up, what to wear, when to eat, what to do, when to go to bed. trust me the man is not dumb, but he's clueless and seems to lack any sort of drive or initiative or staying power. left to his own devices, he finds trouble on his way to stupid. he's not gonna wake up tomorrow and be the next Bill Gates or Thomas Edison - and i would hazard a guess that even when he does get out, he'll flounder and sadly probably end up drinking again and doing dope. i'd love to believe differently......all we can do is wish him the best and be glad he won't be allowed to leave the state of Wisconsin for a lonnnngggg time!
Wow - you just described my son to a tee. Thank you - good advice.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
there are succes stories.....when I look around at this forum and see what people are dealing with I see success. It's amazing what I see the strength and serenity that so many mom's in our group have. I'm thinking of the Alanon saying "let it begin with me". If I am looking for success stories - why don't I work to be one? I know that Alanon and recovery have helped to point me in that direction.
With that said....yes....here's a success story of sorts. This man used drugs from the age of 12. At 24 he began using crack. He was arrested multiple times, spent a year in a crack house, went to 5 inpatient rehabs, and used until he was 47. And then he put it down. He developed his own business (real estate photography) and in 1 1/2 years has made quite a name for himself. He's rejuvinated his relationship with his sons...and developed credibility. He been sober for 6 1/2 years now. So yes....there are success stories. This man's mother finally quit enabling him and that is when he put it all down.
Hugs....
With that said....yes....here's a success story of sorts. This man used drugs from the age of 12. At 24 he began using crack. He was arrested multiple times, spent a year in a crack house, went to 5 inpatient rehabs, and used until he was 47. And then he put it down. He developed his own business (real estate photography) and in 1 1/2 years has made quite a name for himself. He's rejuvinated his relationship with his sons...and developed credibility. He been sober for 6 1/2 years now. So yes....there are success stories. This man's mother finally quit enabling him and that is when he put it all down.
Hugs....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: In the South
Posts: 228
I can relate to all of these. I tried finding a 'naranon" meeting in our area today, but apparently there are none. (East Coast, Florida). I even called the phone number from the NA website, and got a recording, left a msg, but no return call yet.
I'm so glad I found this site, and really appreciate everyone taking the time to share their experiences. Sometimes I feel like there needs to be meetings specifically for parents of adult children addicted to shooting oxys/roxys, sad to say as it's become such an epidemic, but maybe that's just a localized thing here in the pill mill capital of the world. But at least on this site, it seems like we can gain strength from each other, and that's a lot more than I've had up until now, which has been absolutely nothing. So Thank You, all of you!!!
I'm so glad I found this site, and really appreciate everyone taking the time to share their experiences. Sometimes I feel like there needs to be meetings specifically for parents of adult children addicted to shooting oxys/roxys, sad to say as it's become such an epidemic, but maybe that's just a localized thing here in the pill mill capital of the world. But at least on this site, it seems like we can gain strength from each other, and that's a lot more than I've had up until now, which has been absolutely nothing. So Thank You, all of you!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 151
Pommie, KUAN YIN, and everyone else out there with these issues. I am there with you. My son is the same, 26. He is in a Rehab now and then on to the 1/2 house. This is what we can do for him. Supportwise and Financially. We could have paid for a 4 year degree at State with all the enabling funds we gave over the last many years and now this.
I follow the three Cs and am working through all the info, classes and groups we attend as a family at the Rehab. Even as I left last evening after 6 hours in assorted family events, I found myself asking the same questions
I know there is hope after all this, but it is so hard to stay positive.
I follow the three Cs and am working through all the info, classes and groups we attend as a family at the Rehab. Even as I left last evening after 6 hours in assorted family events, I found myself asking the same questions
I know there is hope after all this, but it is so hard to stay positive.
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