WhereDidHeGo

So about 4 years ago I met an amazing man. He was funny, social, in shape, motivated, and perfect for me. We had a whirlwind romance, and I ended up pregnant six months later with our now 2 1/2 year old daughter. Only then did he tell me he was in recovery. He had been clean for a year but had charges pending, which we stuck together through. It was hard for me to believe he had ever been an addict, as he was so responsible and clean cut, and strong. Our relationship blossomed at he was a great dad. When he asked me to marry him I was estatic. We were married one year ago and it was the best day of my life. Today, I dropped my husband off at rehab. The past six months have been he'll, as I live with a stranger. He uses painkillers, try's to come off them with Xanax, and does this over and over again. He lies, sneaks around, and has neglected the two things in his life that mattered the most, my daughter and myself. Thursday, I found a heroine in my daughters bathroom after my once prince charming was in there. We fought, he hit me, and left. Today was the first day I saw him since, and i had a hard time being supportive. I know for his best chance at getting healthy I should support him, but I am so mad! I am 25, work full time, go to school, and am raising our daughter basically alone. I want him to get better, and I want my husband back. How do I move forward and let go of the anger? what should I expect when he comes home?

bluebelle

Welcome to SR. Have you read the stickies at the top of this page? There is some really good information up there. It is a good place to start. You said that he hit you. This makes me concerned for your safety and the safety of your daughter. I am glad that he is at rehab right now and that you are currently safe. If you are in the US, you can call the domestic violence hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233).

You mention that you work full-time and that you go to school. Both of these places probably have resources to help you. A lot of employers have counseling lines, and I think about all colleges offer some kind of counseling service. You could go in and talk to them and explain your situation.

hope213

welcome to S.R. you have come to the right place. i really hope he is sincere about getting clean. it is hard for them & harder for us. this is his recovery. find a meeting for u to go to. read all the stickys at the top of the forum. i am happy to see you are putting yourself & your daughter first. it is a hard road with an addict. there is no cure. it he really wants to be clean he will work his recovery now & will stay in recovery after he comes home. you have my prayers. keep coming back. hugs & hope

WhereDidHeGo

I have reached out to my counselor through school, and am working through the incident. My husband had never been physical before, but then again, this is not the man I knew. I guess I am just reaching out because I feel truly overwhelmed by the fact that my life has changed so much in such a short period of time. I feel almost guilty that I miss him and love him, even though he has tortured us recently. I wonder what I will do when he comes out of short term if I cannot stop being angry. He won't be able to come home. But on the other hand, I don't have any other family support to help me with my child. I work full time and go to school full time, and my AH always helped me through it by taking some of my load. I am hopeful, even though I know how this could end up.

WhereDidHeGo

I have never gone to a meeting, would it be appropriate for me to attend and open or closed meeting?

hope213

go to an open meeting. also have u thought about how unsafe it would b to leave your child with him. i know he is her dad but addict dads are not in there right minds when they want their drug. my son went as far as taking his 8yr old daughter with him to the crack house & left her in the car sleeping for hours. he was separated from his wife at that time. try getting some help from social services while he is gone.

WhereDidHeGo

It's totally insane right? He hasn't been alone with her since I found out about his relapse. Putting my daughter in danger is out of control.although e bag was empty, he shouldn't be getting high in our space. I went through his things tonight and found needles among other things. My gut is telling me to just get rid of it and not confront him while in treatment. It's just difficult for me to detach bc I know this isn't him. I know who he is capable of being.

CatsPajamas

Hi WDHG and welcome to SR. I'm sorry for what you're going thru, it's a lot to take in all at once I'm sure. Take some time to click around and do some reading, find some good resources.

You'll find all sorts of people here, some with a lot of recovery, some with little. Some of us are more supportive than others. All of us are on a similar journey but we travel it in different ways. We try to help one another by sharing our own experience, strength and hope.

I hope you are able to find help and support here.

Cats

WhereDidHeGo

We also own a business together, which can't run without him. If he doesn't come home and stay clean, we will have to break it all up. And I'll have to drop school in exchange for single parenting. There goes my plans for the future!

TiredandSpent

Is that true? How do you know that?

I don't ask to be argumentative, but it's opposite to what I've learning in meetings; altho it's highly possibly I don't understand.

And if true, what is 'support'?

Gosh, the heroin is bad business, my understanding it's highly addictive and extremely hard to get off of. And the physical abuse is terrible for a child to live with.

Would you consider separating while he sorts out his addiction problem?

EnglishGarden

When should a woman be supportive of a man who hits her after leaving a dirty needle in her toddler's bathroom?

Never.

Worrying about how to manage your anger so you can be supportive of an active drug addict-child-and -wife abuser.....this is what the disease does to us: it tricks us into forgetting we are being emotionally and/or physically violated and it tricks us into feeling sorry for the abuser.

You should be consumed with fury. You should not be worrying about his sensitivities and his needs. But his disease has tricked you.

You will need to draw a hard line and hold it. Addicts listen only to what we do.

Hold it for a LONG TIME. I suggest a year minimum separation.

Because he is likely to relapse. And to hit you again. And traumatize your toddler.

Find your fury for your child's protection.

Draw a hard line. It won't be easy. If you isolate with him, rather than go to weekly Al-Anon meetings and to therapy, his addiction will destroy all of you.

There is hope for change. But only if you find the strength to act in a completely new way with him. For that you will need Al-Anon. Isolated, without support, you will have no chance of saving your family from the disease.

It will be the greatest act of love and courage for you to seek help for yourself. Hang on to that fury, it can fuel your determination.

Stay strong. God bless.

WhereDidHeGo

Well, his family went though some groups last time he was in treatment, and atnhis current intake they encouraged me to be positive and support his choice to go to rehab. I certainly do not enable him, but then again I never had a chance to, I didn't know he was using.

Separation is definitely an option. I couldn't afford it alone, but through the courts and child support I'm hoping to get by. I would have to live alone as I have no family. We have agreed that since our lease is up for renewal in April, I will stay in our home with our daughter while we figure it out. If he completes the program and stays in intensive outpatient, he can stay also. If I am not happy and feeling safe, he will help me move out and separate at that time. I would just hate to drop school as I onl have a year left and I couldn't handle it if I was the sole caretaker of our kid.

WhereDidHeGo

English garden,


I hear what you say, and I hope it resonates with me someday. Separation is not ideal for me or my family. Meetings are hard when I have no one to watch my kid, and I'm losing everything I've invested in because of his bad decision. Giving up school, my only chance of true independence would be selling my daughter short as well. This, is my last resort. Until then i will choose to be hope. Hope for myself, my family, and my husband.

WhereDidHeGo

I guess only time will tell. Can't count your chickens before they've hatched. I still pray my husband gets better. But if he doesn't, I will cross that bridge when it comes.

bluebelle

Anger is a very understandable emotion. He placed you and your daughter in danger.

I'm glad you talked to a counselor at your school. It sounds like you have a lot to think about right now. I don't know if you receive financial aid, but I believe there is some kind of extra benefit if you need child care.

hope213

you do not have to make any decision right now. just one day at a time will do it. focus on you & your daughter. work your recovery & let him work his.

Hanna

Welcome to Sober Recovery. What you are going through is really as tough as it comes, but you've come to the right place to start finding answers.

A few thoughts:
I've seen plenty of kiddos in meetings, so just take her with you along with some things to keep her occupied.

Think about what you would do for the next 6 months if he was suddenly incapacitated and you were alone. Plan on him not being there to help. There are ways you could still continue with school, even if it seems impossible, there are lots and lots of women doing it at this very moment. Check around on campus to see what kinds of childcare might be available.

And breathe... you don't have to have all the answers today. The right decisions will come just when necessary.

My prayers will be with you, your daughter and your husband.

laurie6781

I would strongly suggest NOT. From inpatient, he should go to a Sober Living House. Sounds to me like he never really learned his first or 2nd or whatever time around how TO LIVE SOBER. This will come about for him in a SLH.

Your support of him is to TAKE CARE OF YOU AND YOUR CHILD. This is HIS PROBLEM, and only HE CAN FIX IT. I know from personal experience, been there, done that, and have been in continuous recovery for over 30 years now, from alcohol and drugs, and over 27 years working on my codependency issues, lol

Check with Social Services to see what assistance is available to you with a young child, school and work, plus he will have to pay support.

All of the above is based on my only personal experiences 'working with others' for over 30 years now. I can tell you if that were my child there is NO WAY I would let him back into the home. He ENDANGERED your 2 1/2 yr old.

His ACTIONS, over time will tell you more than his words.

Find yourself, some Naranon or Alanon meetings for YOU. I realize your time is limited so please feel free to come post here 24/7 whenever you need to.

Love and hugs,

Heartbroken0608

I had my first child when I was 19. I was in college at the time and quitting was not an option. If you think creatively you'll be amazed what you can accomplish. There are a ton of resources for single mothers. I met other single moms and we worked together when scheduling our classes so we could swap off child care. Sometimes that meant I took a class that didn't end until 10pm but you do what you have to do. If you're committed enough you can make it work!

If I had dropped out who knows where I'd be today. Instead, I went from being a teenage mom to a professional with a 6 figure income. You have the same potential! Do not let your husbands addiction derail your future and the future of your child. Your current situation sucks, and I'm very sorry you're having to go through this. Use your anger to propel yourself to have the best possible future for you and your child. Your husband needs to find his own recovery. You can support him without letting him ruin your future. You CAN make it on your own, you just need to want it badly enough.

((hugs))

itsanewday2011

Hi - I am reading your post and it breaks my heart. I found cocaine all over our house about a year ago, and our daughter was just two when I sent my husband to rehab. We are now divorced. I can tell you when he relapsed when he got out of rehab, it was much worse than before he went in.

I, too, had hope in marriage, in my ex husband, and for the future. I feel your heartbreak....

I will tell you one thing that really resonated with me...it may not with you, but I met with a counselor who said "you know, people are probably telling you to take care of you. However, I am telling you that you need to take care of you so that your child does not see you growing up as a caretaker, so she doesn't become one herself". So, maybe a question to ask is....if your child were in the same situation as you when she is older and married, what would you want her to do?"

I agree with Heartbroken - this can propel you to new levels. I had one of my best sales years ever in my company last year, all while going through the yucky relapse, divorce, etc.

I wish the best for you. Whatever path you choose will have rocks to it, but I am sure you have the strength and courage to get there. After all, you are in school, working, and a mom to a toddler - celebrate that!!! You will get through this.

Hugs to you.