Panda13

When I last posted, my friend and neighbor had died over the holidays, unfortunately me and another neighbor discovered him.

The family of the deceased came down to take care of everything from memorial service to cleaning out his place. Because my neighbor was a close friend to me and seeing his family's grief, I've had no problem helping them with recommending funeral homes, helping them with his mail, cleaning his place, etc. etc. When his mother came and before I could introduce myself, she knew exactly who I was. She gave me the longest hug and sat me down, wanting me to tell her everything about when I last saw him and how depressed I thought he was. As much as I didn't want to tell her how he wasn't doing all that well and how his drinking progressed, she said she needed to know everything so I couldn't deny her request. I thought that finding him and calling the police on NYE was hard enough but it was harder talking to his mother and siblings.

As hard as everything is right now and continuing to help them with everything they need me for, its been helpful talking to them about all of the good times me and their son had and how important he was to me and everyone in the neighborhood. They didn't know how important he was to us and they're all happy to know that now. I get a huge lump in my throat every time they tell me and others how happy they are to have me help them and for them to know that their brother/son/uncle had a good friend next door.

I keep thinking about the day of NYE and still processing. I keep thinking about how easy it is to forget that addicts hide their addictions. And I keep thinking about how real everything is and how my friends death pertains to my addict ex-bf. Because I have these thoughts I know its going to take me a while to work through everything and I'm ok with that.

Any advice on how to deal with a death from alcoholism situation would help a lot.

-Panda

suki44883

Aww, Panda. I'm sorry you are going through this. I think, the only way to deal with it is to just deal with it as it comes. It's an extremely bad situation, but it happens so often. Reading your post reminds me that every addict is someones son or daughter; sister or brother; cousin, nephew or niece. Most of them have a family somewhere that loves them, but can't help them. Your friend was very lucky to have you, and I know his family is most grateful for the friendship you showed their son. You probably knew him better this past while than they did.

You'll get past this, but it will take time. Just allow the feelings to come, grieve when you need to, then let it go. You're going to be fine.

lesliej

I have officiated for four funerals now that were the result of a death from alcoholism. In my pastoral care class for grief one of the most important things I learned was not to be afraid of the grief. When someone dies from alcoholism, addiction or suicide one of the worst things about the grief is that it gets compounded by shame.

Remember that alcoholism, addiction and depression are diseases. There are treatments available for said diseases but they are not always successful, or treatment is not found, or not followed. The result of these diseases going untreated or under treated is often death.

We grieve death, and having a sense of dignity or honor about the life of someone who has passed...even from a senseless disease...helps us to grieve and process. Shame around the death of someone we love is brutal and unhealthy.

Being open, opening heart, conversation and mind...so helpful.

Ann

I think that helping the family and doing what you did will help you process your own grief.

There is no easy way and I don't think we ever "get used to it" even here, where death is not uncommon.

Remembering the person he was before addiction helps you grieve the person who really died. The rest was his disease.

I cope with grief by praying, by reading comforting poems and readings, and sometimes by "talking" to the person who died, telling them how I feel and things I wish I had said when they were alive. My mother was one of the finest women I ever knew (never touched alcohol or drugs), and I talk to her every day. It just helps me keep her memory and let go of the pain.

Give yourself time, and just process this at your own pace.

Hugs

Kindeyes

It's always hard to hear of another life cut short by this disease. So very sad.

Grieving takes time....and no one can say exactly how much time because so much of depends on what kind of impact the deceased had in our lives.

I'm sure that his family is finding comfort in your company as they deal with the duties that must be done.

gentle hugs
ke

justjo

HI Panda

I can only agree with what Kindeyes has said. As a grieving sister, even after 2 years the pain/sadness is still feel is huge.
Time will help.
JJ